My Predicament

So I've been here a few days now and I feel I'm getting to know the place a little better so I figured I would give you guys the back-story on what brought me here. I don't really want to go into too much detail publicly but I would be happy to talk about it privately.

I met my ex when I was 19, we was exceptionally close and our relationship was perfect as far as I was concerned. I was honestly expecting to spend my life with her and maybe even at some point start a family.

A couple of months ago I found out she had cheated on me. Not recently but five years ago. To make matters worse she did it while I was mourning the loss of one of my parents.

She has explained her reasons and I have forgiven her for cheating, she was young and stupid and I see no point in making her feel worse about herself for it. For what it's worth I believe that she is truly sorry and full of regret and I still have a lot of feelings towards her.

The trouble I'm having is that she decided not to tell me. Cheating is bad enough and if she would have come clean straight away I could probably forgiven her, but to lie to me and hide it from me for five years? She didn't want to lose me but by the fact that she let me discover it by accident was completely selfish and I'm not sure I can forgive her for that. What if we had a six month old baby when I found out? I'm not the kind of guy that could walk away from a child, I don't think it would be fair and I would have resented her even more for putting me in that position.

We're still living together, I'm sleeping in the spare room, but we are not together. We still get on well, there is no hostilities or tension and until I find a place to move in to I am happy enough to share a house with her as friends, but it's not exactly easy. My feelings for her change from day to day and it's pretty confusing to say the least.

The toughest part for me is that while we've been together I have reduced the number of close friends I have because I wanted to spend my time with her and now I don't really have anyone to turn to for support.

I'm not really looking for sympathy or anything, just venting I guess. I really didn't see this coming and I feel like I've wasted the best part of a decade. So here I am, back at square one, it's as if I'm 19 again except my knee hurts when it's cold and I've started to notice the odd grey hair.

At least you have some kind of romantic experience now. That's good, right? I wouldn't see it as 'wasted time'.

Felix said:

At least you have some kind of romantic experience now. That's good, right? I wouldn't see it as 'wasted time'.

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Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun while it lasted but I have less now than when I was 19. That and I'm concerned that this is going to have subconscious effects on my ability to be able to completely trust other women.

Meh...I feel your pain, Runciter (based on experience).
However, try not to allow the previous relationship to be dragged into the next one. I know it will be very difficult, but do your best. I keep my eyes open, but always try to remember than everyone can't be held responsible for the actions of an ex. Or several ex's in my case, lol.

Runciter, I kinda feel like I can relate to your story on some levels. Meh too. But what Eve said though, don't let it affect your future or bring you down. Get out of that "place" you're in.. and things will eventually get better, I believe.

Some of the best men and women get cheated on.

Some advice I got on relationships is that after coming out of a long term one or pretty much any relationship you should take at least six months off from dating and just learn to get to know yourself again. Pursue your interests and hobbies and learn to be totally happy alone.

It allows you time to grow. So many people jump from relationship to relationship and experience the same failures over and over again, they never get to learn what they really want from life.

No time is wasted though, all experiences have value.

My father spent 16 years working all the time to provide a good home for me, my mother, and my sister.

My mom cheated on him and left him for a rich old guy.

My sister drank herself to death.

But my father met a new wife and he's been with her for close to 20 years now. He may have lost my sister but she left him two beautiful grandchildren.

If he didn't have the experience with my mother he might not be able to appreciate the good woman he has now. If he hadn't of lost my sister maybe he wouldn't be such a great grandfather. You never know.

Runciter, forgive her completely. The longer you hold onto this pain, the more you are letting it grow as a cancer inside of you.

I was also cheated on. I forgave my wife for it. I'm no longer married to her and that was not what ended our marriage, but if I had to do it over again, I'd forgive her all over again. Why? Because it eases my mind. Having rage about someone's actions broiling in my heart hurts ME, not her. So, I let it go. As should you.

You may know that psychiatrists are frequently asked by cheating spouses if they should tell their husbands or wives of their infidelity. The universal answer to that is "No." Professionals say that confessing an infidelity would bring a bad situation into the relationship, so if the cheating person is remorseful, the professional advice is to shut up about it and never do anything like that again. If she hid this from you, professionals are on her side. Why punish her for something she did to make the relationship better?

Now you know that she cheated on you five years ago. To her, this is ancient history. To you, it feels like it happened recently. You say you have forgiven her for the infidelity, but you cannot forgive her for hiding it for five years?

I can't know what's in your head, or her's for that matter, but if that was the only infidelity, then forgive her and move on to whatever eventual conclusion your relationship will take. I would also recommend trying to salvage the relationship if you can.

Whether you stay with her or not, you must forgive her or this will be a pain you will carry with you for the rest of your days and affect any future relationship you have with women. Whether you are going to split up with her or not, carrying this burden in your psyche is a choice you make willingly.

I wish you well.

Thanks guys, it's good to get this off my chest.

EveWasFramed said:

Meh...I feel your pain, Runciter (based on experience).
However, try not to allow the previous relationship to be dragged into the next one. I know it will be very difficult, but do your best. I keep my eyes open, but always try to remember than everyone can't be held responsible for the actions of an ex. Or several ex's in my case, lol.

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Sorry you've had to go through something similar too. I'm conscious of trying to not let it effect my future relationships but I'm still worried that it might anyway.

Ladyforsaken said:

Runciter, I kinda feel like I can relate to your story on some levels. Meh too. But what Eve said though, don't let it affect your future or bring you down. Get out of that "place" you're in.. and things will eventually get better, I believe.

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It's been a bit of a wake up call but I'm doing my best to make it a positive. I've been going for long runs and cycling to keep my body active and it has been really helping my mind. I'm confident about my future still, I really don't see the point in dwelling on the negative aspects so much.

theglasscell said:

Some advice I got on relationships is that after coming out of a long term one or pretty much any relationship you should take at least six months off from dating and just learn to get to know yourself again. Pursue your interests and hobbies and learn to be totally happy alone.

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Yeah don't worry, I'm in no rush. I have no intention of seeking comfort from another woman and will be taking at least a year off before I even consider it. It's the first time in my adult life that I've truly been alone but I'm trying to see that as a positive as much as I can. My hobbies are helping a lot and I've taken up painting (on photoshop) as well as visited a few local dojos with the intention of taking up a martial art (something I've always wanted to do.)
Sorry to hear about your sister but I'm happy for your dad, it's good to hear the successes stories, puts things into perspective.

Case said:

Runciter, forgive her completely. The longer you hold onto this pain, the more you are letting it grow as a cancer inside of you.

I was also cheated on. I forgave my wife for it. I'm no longer married to her and that was not what ended our marriage, but if I had to do it over again, I'd forgive her all over again. Why? Because it eases my mind. Having rage about someone's actions broiling in my heart hurts ME, not her. So, I let it go. As should you.

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Firstly, 'Case,' was my first choice of name for these forums until I found out it was taken, you *******!

I hold no animosity towards her, she's still a great girl and I'm sure all always have feelings for her but I can't move on like nothing has happened.

Case said:

You may know that psychiatrists are frequently asked by cheating spouses if they should tell their husbands or wives of their infidelity. The universal answer to that is "No." Professionals say that confessing an infidelity would bring a bad situation into the relationship, so if the cheating person is remorseful, the professional advice is to shut up about it and never do anything like that again. If she hid this from you, professionals are on her side. Why punish her for something she did to make the relationship better?

Now you know that she cheated on you five years ago. To her, this is ancient history. To you, it feels like it happened recently. You say you have forgiven her for the infidelity, but you cannot forgive her for hiding it for five years?

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I really don't go in for the ignorance is bliss argument and having professionals back her up does not in any way lessen the the pain she caused. I really don't think I can forgive her for hiding it from my. Besides, I worry what kind of message it would send, "It's OK to lie and cheat on me, I'll take you back anyway." I can totally understand how someone can make a mistake like cheating but hiding it from me is plain selfish and shows that she had little respect for me.
I'm confused about what you mean by "something she did to make the relationship better." Are you suggesting that hiding it from me should be seen as a good thing?

Case said:

I can't know what's in your head, or her's for that matter, but if that was the only infidelity, then forgive her and move on to whatever eventual conclusion your relationship will take. I would also recommend trying to salvage the relationship if you can.

Whether you stay with her or not, you must forgive her or this will be a pain you will carry with you for the rest of your days and affect any future relationship you have with women. Whether you are going to split up with her or not, carrying this burden in your psyche is a choice you make willingly.

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Her infidelity consisted of sleeping with the same guy on 2/3 separate occasions, more of a mini-affair than a one-night-stand. I've thought about salvaging the relationship but I'm really not sure I can or should. No matter what the outcome though I am aware that carrying the burden around with me is not healthy and I'm not one to dwell on the past. Loosing a girlfriend like this is very low on my list of shitty things to happen in the life of Runciter and is pretty trivial compared to some of the things I've been through. I wouldn't change anything about my past because it has shaped me into who I am today.

I'd like to thank you all again, it's been really helpful and I'm grateful there are people out there willing to take the time to offer a stranger some help in his hour of need.

Much love to you all.

*hugs* Runciter.

Case said:

Whether you stay with her or not, you must forgive her or this will be a pain you will carry with you for the rest of your days and affect any future relationship you have with women. Whether you are going to split up with her or not, carrying this burden in your psyche is a choice you make willingly.

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I agree with Case. It's better to let it go. I've held onto grudges because of stuff like this, and I wish I hadn't. It changed me in a bad way. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be angy, just don't dwell on it so much that it affects who you are.

Locke said:

Case said:

Whether you stay with her or not, you must forgive her or this will be a pain you will carry with you for the rest of your days and affect any future relationship you have with women. Whether you are going to split up with her or not, carrying this burden in your psyche is a choice you make willingly.

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I agree with Case. It's better to let it go. I've held onto grudges because of stuff like this, and I wish I hadn't. It changed me in a bad way. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be angy, just don't dwell on it so much that it affects who you are.

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I think there are different phases or stages that you'd go through really to finally be able to forgive her. I know it took me awhile to forgive my first ex .. it was like an emotional rollercoaster for months and months before I could actually let it go.

I agree, but take your time as well to deal with your emotions. Good luck, Runciter.

Do not fear, my good people, I won't be allowing this to affect the rest of my life. I don't intend on becoming a bitter, lonely old man just because of the actions of one girl!

To be honest, this is the first time in my life that I have ever ended a relationship. It's actually a lot easier to deal with this way around. At least I feel as if I am in control instead of going through the usual crying in the shower for hours bullshit that I have experienced before. It's still not nice but it's been a bit of a kick up the arse and it has given me some motivation to do some things for myself.

Good to hear that you're not going to let it change you, Runciter! So many people let these things turn them bitter. When life kicks your ass, you've gotta get back up and kick its ass back.

^^Yes, that's the attitude.

Locke said:

When life kicks your ass, you've gotta get back up and kick its ass back.

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Ain't that the truth! And I've taken a fair amount of arse-kicking by life over the years, I'm sure you'll hear the tales at some point but I like to release my crazy a little at a time so as to not scare people away