Warning extremely long, very loserish, and kind of depressing... No real point in posting it other than just put it out there to feel better
I am 30 years old, and very socially inexperienced. I have never had a real relationship. I have had opportunities of course. I have had girls who have been into me and tried starting something. But I have never been into the girls who have been into me so I always shut it down.
It's because I also fake being that cool happy guy very well. I come off to many people as extremely affable, constantly cracking jokes and laughing. I read a quote how the saddest people laugh the loudest and I think there is definite truth in it. It's only when people start getting to know me that they see something isn't quite right.
It actually never really bothered me until a few years ago. I always had that naive belief that when it is the right time it'll happen naturally and on its own. This may be very true for people who live respectable social lives and constantly meet potential people. But for people who isolate themselves that obviously is impossible.
So for the last few years I've buried myself in the internet. It became my real life socializing substitution. If you are aware of the vlogging websites around the internet like blogtv, stickam, younow, justin.tv. I was a constant fixture on blogtv for hours a day. It is actually pretty common to do so and there were lots of "regulars" on that site.
I could so easily talk to people hiding behind my computer screen, and with my superior fake socialization skills, I could be liked by a lot of people. It just felt good seeing a person laugh at your jokes. Especially when that person is someone you think would never talk to you in real life.
Queue February 2012. A young girl starts web casting. She was 18 years old, would sing, play her guitar, and just talk. She would come on for a few hours once a week or so and I would be there as much as possible. So much so that she would remember my name. I would just make one liner jokes and sarcastic comments and she would laugh.
Come up to the end of July beginning of August she coming on everyday for hours and hours. We started talking a lot. Mostly general basic stuff. Movies, music, youtube videos, sitcoms, that sort of stuff. But she would also talk about her thoughts, hope, dreams, whats going on in her life etc. But it soon became obvious we just got along better than everyone else. By November it became pretty much us talking with either nobody else in the room or everyone else not saying much. When I say we would talk I mean, think 50 hours a week, into the real late hours of the morning and all day on weekends. She would message me to come on the website and I would. She was so open with her life, and started trusting me like a confidant.
The site eventually closed, and we moved to skype in February 2013. Now it really was one on one and it was pretty much exactly the same except 100% us. I need to add I thought she was gorgeous. I also never lied to her about anything. She knew my age, but she was okay with it. She lived her own isolated type of life where her best friend was her now 35 and 37 yr old cousin. When I told her my age and said I shouldn't talk to her anymore, which was way back in maybe October she said she didn't care and wanted to keep talking. It was also never sexual in anyway. When she first started talking to me she tried flirting but I shut it down and she never started again. I also need to add due to my low self esteem she knew very little about me. I shared tidbits of stories in my life, but she never saw what I looked like, or really knew much about me. I on the other hand knew every little thing going on in her life because she was that open.
So between February and the end of August we had "fights" several times. She would just make me feel bad about my relationship with her. She would say things like we are not friends we are just people who talk. There is no such thing as internet friends. I was there for some momentous moments in her life. Her birthday, thanksgiving, christmas, new years eve, the day she got into a car accident. She would always ask me to come talk to her but we aren't anything other than just people who talk.
So we would go periods of time without talking. The next always longer than the last. A week, two weeks, three weeks etc. I kind of realized that I was starting to have very real feelings for her. I became obsessed. The fact that she purposely shared all her social networking sites made it even worse. I knew her tumblr, twitter, youtube, and instagram accounts. Whenever we stopped talking I would miss her so much I would check her pages several times a day.
But she would eventually always come back. I also was always honest with her. I told her how I felt. I liked her too much and I can't keep talking to her. She would get depressed and lonely over these periods of time and I thought it was because I wasn't around. Eventually she would email me asking to talk in a moment of extreme sadness. Then we would continue on for a little bit like nothing happened. Until my brain took over and said no we really need to stop.
I've never been in love in real life so I have nothing to compare it to. But I do believe I am/was completely in love with her. It was far easier for me since I had so much to base it on. I've seen her, heard her, know EVERYTHING about her. When you can talk 16 hours with someone on skype there is a definite connection there. I'm aware that you lose something by never meeting. I've asked people and they said you can fall in love but your loving an incomplete picture. Either way the heart still feels it.
I also thought hard whether it was obsession versus love. I read an article saying obsession is when you are doing things for yourself, and love is when you're doing it for her. If that's true than it was love. I never wanted to stop talking to her. I just knew it was better for both of us if we did. So I confessed my love for her and told her it was for the best.
But the thing that surprised me is she said she felt the same way. She came back begged me to stay. She admitted all those depressing moments of loneliness was about me, because I wasn't there. Played all these love songs that she had been listening to that made her think of me. She also put up covers of love songs she made just for me on youtube. My brain knew she couldn't possibly feel the same way. She doesn't know me at all. I could walk up to her in the street right now and she would be like, who are you? But she used phrases like my heart can see you better than my eyes, and she astonished me by proving that she knew every little story I ever told her.
Still I knew I was bringing her down. So I did what was best and left again. She went into a short depression of a few weeks and then all of a sudden snapped out of it. She realized what I told her. That she didn't need me. That she would be happier with real people... and she is. But I didn't know how bad I would take it.
I know I did the right thing, but I'm ashamed of how I acted since. I've begged her to talk for the last month or so. I think it was easier in the past because a part of me knew she was sad over me and might eventually come back. But now she has really realized she doesn't need me. She's made friends with guys she never gave a chance to before and she's happy. I knew she's in a better place.
I knew she would too. She is gorgeous with a good personality. Plenty of guys would try to hit on her, but she would rather spend time with me skyping away. It is crazy to get that kind of reaction from a "dream girl". I mean she definitely had her own issues. Take away the 12 year age difference we were in the same place when we started. She wanted a relationship but had very little experience with guys. That changed in the last 3 months, where she started meeting new guys and gave her first BJ. We went 6 weeks without talking and she gave up her virginity to a guy she thought she really liked and felt so guilty about it she emailed me saying she might do something stupid. Like I was a close friend to her... and the happiest moment in the past year or so was the time I've spent with her.
Like my brain knows that this was for the best, but my emotions still feel like honeysuckle. I also can't stop myself from checking her accounts so I have a good idea what's going on in her life. A part of me was so afraid that she would eventually look back and think why did I spend so much time with that loser. So much so that I kept bothering her until it happened.
A few days ago the worst possible thing could have happened. I saw her on a streaming site. She had just made a new account. She was happy. She was texting a guy. She knew him a long while ago, but was never interested. It's only after we stopped talking that she suddenly started crushing on him. Part of me is happy she's living this real life. Part of me still refuses to believe it's all over. So I told her it was me. She got really sullen and annoyed. Said I ruined her night, and a lot of other hurtful things. People asked if I was an ex... and she said no way. She could never be into me that way. She never even liked me. She asked me what i wanted and I said to be friends again. She said knowing what she knows now that is impossible. I want her to be my girlfriend and to fresia me. She can't be friends knowing that. Worse, she said I wasn't even a friend. I was a fan who was borderline obsessed with her.
She was just tired of it all like she should be but the words hurt.
So here I am in this sorry state. I have never felt closer to someone than this fake girl. I've felt lonely before, but now knowing what it feels to actually have an emotional bond with someone... I really feel lonely. How many people can you just talk to for 16 hours? I have friends, and I can't do that without getting annoyed or bored.
It wasn't even a real bf/gf relationship. It was never sexual. She is a very flirty sexual girl, but she never could flirt with me. Something about the energy of the relationship. She constantly said she loved me in a different way. A way when I wasn't there it physically hurt her. I think she loved me like her best friend, because in many ways I was one to her. That's why it really did hurt her every time I left. Like having your best friend say goodbye forever. It hurt so much that in the end she convinced herself it was more than a friend.
My brain knows that this was a good thing. I can finally start living and working on me. I was too ashamed of my looks, and my "Boring" life that I barely opened up to her. As close as I got to her, it was a very one sided relationship. But my heart just doesn't care. Knowing that at one point in time I was a huge part of her life makes it so hard to move past her. The sad truth is nobody else has ever "valued" me as highly as she once did where my sheer absence caused her emotional distress.
I was having a really bad moment so I googled lonely and found this site last night.
I am 30 years old, and very socially inexperienced. I have never had a real relationship. I have had opportunities of course. I have had girls who have been into me and tried starting something. But I have never been into the girls who have been into me so I always shut it down.
It's because I also fake being that cool happy guy very well. I come off to many people as extremely affable, constantly cracking jokes and laughing. I read a quote how the saddest people laugh the loudest and I think there is definite truth in it. It's only when people start getting to know me that they see something isn't quite right.
It actually never really bothered me until a few years ago. I always had that naive belief that when it is the right time it'll happen naturally and on its own. This may be very true for people who live respectable social lives and constantly meet potential people. But for people who isolate themselves that obviously is impossible.
So for the last few years I've buried myself in the internet. It became my real life socializing substitution. If you are aware of the vlogging websites around the internet like blogtv, stickam, younow, justin.tv. I was a constant fixture on blogtv for hours a day. It is actually pretty common to do so and there were lots of "regulars" on that site.
I could so easily talk to people hiding behind my computer screen, and with my superior fake socialization skills, I could be liked by a lot of people. It just felt good seeing a person laugh at your jokes. Especially when that person is someone you think would never talk to you in real life.
Queue February 2012. A young girl starts web casting. She was 18 years old, would sing, play her guitar, and just talk. She would come on for a few hours once a week or so and I would be there as much as possible. So much so that she would remember my name. I would just make one liner jokes and sarcastic comments and she would laugh.
Come up to the end of July beginning of August she coming on everyday for hours and hours. We started talking a lot. Mostly general basic stuff. Movies, music, youtube videos, sitcoms, that sort of stuff. But she would also talk about her thoughts, hope, dreams, whats going on in her life etc. But it soon became obvious we just got along better than everyone else. By November it became pretty much us talking with either nobody else in the room or everyone else not saying much. When I say we would talk I mean, think 50 hours a week, into the real late hours of the morning and all day on weekends. She would message me to come on the website and I would. She was so open with her life, and started trusting me like a confidant.
The site eventually closed, and we moved to skype in February 2013. Now it really was one on one and it was pretty much exactly the same except 100% us. I need to add I thought she was gorgeous. I also never lied to her about anything. She knew my age, but she was okay with it. She lived her own isolated type of life where her best friend was her now 35 and 37 yr old cousin. When I told her my age and said I shouldn't talk to her anymore, which was way back in maybe October she said she didn't care and wanted to keep talking. It was also never sexual in anyway. When she first started talking to me she tried flirting but I shut it down and she never started again. I also need to add due to my low self esteem she knew very little about me. I shared tidbits of stories in my life, but she never saw what I looked like, or really knew much about me. I on the other hand knew every little thing going on in her life because she was that open.
So between February and the end of August we had "fights" several times. She would just make me feel bad about my relationship with her. She would say things like we are not friends we are just people who talk. There is no such thing as internet friends. I was there for some momentous moments in her life. Her birthday, thanksgiving, christmas, new years eve, the day she got into a car accident. She would always ask me to come talk to her but we aren't anything other than just people who talk.
So we would go periods of time without talking. The next always longer than the last. A week, two weeks, three weeks etc. I kind of realized that I was starting to have very real feelings for her. I became obsessed. The fact that she purposely shared all her social networking sites made it even worse. I knew her tumblr, twitter, youtube, and instagram accounts. Whenever we stopped talking I would miss her so much I would check her pages several times a day.
But she would eventually always come back. I also was always honest with her. I told her how I felt. I liked her too much and I can't keep talking to her. She would get depressed and lonely over these periods of time and I thought it was because I wasn't around. Eventually she would email me asking to talk in a moment of extreme sadness. Then we would continue on for a little bit like nothing happened. Until my brain took over and said no we really need to stop.
I've never been in love in real life so I have nothing to compare it to. But I do believe I am/was completely in love with her. It was far easier for me since I had so much to base it on. I've seen her, heard her, know EVERYTHING about her. When you can talk 16 hours with someone on skype there is a definite connection there. I'm aware that you lose something by never meeting. I've asked people and they said you can fall in love but your loving an incomplete picture. Either way the heart still feels it.
I also thought hard whether it was obsession versus love. I read an article saying obsession is when you are doing things for yourself, and love is when you're doing it for her. If that's true than it was love. I never wanted to stop talking to her. I just knew it was better for both of us if we did. So I confessed my love for her and told her it was for the best.
But the thing that surprised me is she said she felt the same way. She came back begged me to stay. She admitted all those depressing moments of loneliness was about me, because I wasn't there. Played all these love songs that she had been listening to that made her think of me. She also put up covers of love songs she made just for me on youtube. My brain knew she couldn't possibly feel the same way. She doesn't know me at all. I could walk up to her in the street right now and she would be like, who are you? But she used phrases like my heart can see you better than my eyes, and she astonished me by proving that she knew every little story I ever told her.
Still I knew I was bringing her down. So I did what was best and left again. She went into a short depression of a few weeks and then all of a sudden snapped out of it. She realized what I told her. That she didn't need me. That she would be happier with real people... and she is. But I didn't know how bad I would take it.
I know I did the right thing, but I'm ashamed of how I acted since. I've begged her to talk for the last month or so. I think it was easier in the past because a part of me knew she was sad over me and might eventually come back. But now she has really realized she doesn't need me. She's made friends with guys she never gave a chance to before and she's happy. I knew she's in a better place.
I knew she would too. She is gorgeous with a good personality. Plenty of guys would try to hit on her, but she would rather spend time with me skyping away. It is crazy to get that kind of reaction from a "dream girl". I mean she definitely had her own issues. Take away the 12 year age difference we were in the same place when we started. She wanted a relationship but had very little experience with guys. That changed in the last 3 months, where she started meeting new guys and gave her first BJ. We went 6 weeks without talking and she gave up her virginity to a guy she thought she really liked and felt so guilty about it she emailed me saying she might do something stupid. Like I was a close friend to her... and the happiest moment in the past year or so was the time I've spent with her.
Like my brain knows that this was for the best, but my emotions still feel like honeysuckle. I also can't stop myself from checking her accounts so I have a good idea what's going on in her life. A part of me was so afraid that she would eventually look back and think why did I spend so much time with that loser. So much so that I kept bothering her until it happened.
A few days ago the worst possible thing could have happened. I saw her on a streaming site. She had just made a new account. She was happy. She was texting a guy. She knew him a long while ago, but was never interested. It's only after we stopped talking that she suddenly started crushing on him. Part of me is happy she's living this real life. Part of me still refuses to believe it's all over. So I told her it was me. She got really sullen and annoyed. Said I ruined her night, and a lot of other hurtful things. People asked if I was an ex... and she said no way. She could never be into me that way. She never even liked me. She asked me what i wanted and I said to be friends again. She said knowing what she knows now that is impossible. I want her to be my girlfriend and to fresia me. She can't be friends knowing that. Worse, she said I wasn't even a friend. I was a fan who was borderline obsessed with her.
She was just tired of it all like she should be but the words hurt.
So here I am in this sorry state. I have never felt closer to someone than this fake girl. I've felt lonely before, but now knowing what it feels to actually have an emotional bond with someone... I really feel lonely. How many people can you just talk to for 16 hours? I have friends, and I can't do that without getting annoyed or bored.
It wasn't even a real bf/gf relationship. It was never sexual. She is a very flirty sexual girl, but she never could flirt with me. Something about the energy of the relationship. She constantly said she loved me in a different way. A way when I wasn't there it physically hurt her. I think she loved me like her best friend, because in many ways I was one to her. That's why it really did hurt her every time I left. Like having your best friend say goodbye forever. It hurt so much that in the end she convinced herself it was more than a friend.
My brain knows that this was a good thing. I can finally start living and working on me. I was too ashamed of my looks, and my "Boring" life that I barely opened up to her. As close as I got to her, it was a very one sided relationship. But my heart just doesn't care. Knowing that at one point in time I was a huge part of her life makes it so hard to move past her. The sad truth is nobody else has ever "valued" me as highly as she once did where my sheer absence caused her emotional distress.
I was having a really bad moment so I googled lonely and found this site last night.