No need to read... very long story of what brought me to ALL...

[Mr.YellowCat]

Hey...I have read everything you wrote, even the replies you had with the stranger that is helping you.
I have never gone thru anything like you are talking about, I talked to people on the internet, but nothing that comes close to what you are saying.
But I kinda have one feeling from what you are saying. But as I said, I´m far away from really walking in your shoes.
So please, if what I will write will be just a sheer nonsense, tell me to fudge off.
It has nothing really to do with the girl, just you..In a sense.

To me, it seems that what you really loved, was the feeling of living. All the talks, and all the step-backs.
I get this feeling from how you write, describe, and all. Just a feeling.
I think you loved how alive were you feeling with her, even in the days you didnt talk, knowing you will do that again. You loved that she make you both wanted, and did hurt you at the same time, that you had to talk to her, and then was not allowed to talk to her for a long periods of time.
I think you loved the feeling of living, and you are obsessed with her because you are afraid you will never live alone, when you are not forced to live. Two words you made in caps, are sexy and passionate. That makes me think that it was her who awakened all of that, the knowledge of how it is to feel, and mostly, the fear of not having that again, as it was mostly her pushing your buttons.

I have no advice, sorry. And I feel bad for you, I know that this must hurt.
And again...If I´m totally wrong, just tell me that I´m an idiot.
Hope you get better, in whichever way it may happen.

 

[lostatsea]

Hey thanks for replying... I love hearing from people comment on in it general. I think you nailed it on the head. I thought she was amazing, and the fact that she "cared" about me so much meant so much. She enjoyed talking to me. So much that when we stopped, she got really sad over it. I know at one point in time, she really appreciated my presence and I defintiely became a huge part of her life. This was never any official relationship by any means. But it was the "realest" relationship I've had with a girl.

I have also came to the realization yesterday that I treated her so badly. I kind of forced myself into her life. She has trouble trusting people, but ended up trusting me. She opened her life up ALMOST completely to me. But after 20 months of off-and-on talking to her, she has no idea who I am. I could walk up to her in the street right now, and she would have no idea it's me. She's hooked up with guys over a few nights, and has deeper connection then she ever had with me. She gave me the chance to have something realer. I'm the one who was too scared to go on camera, and share my life. I had this fear due to low self esteem that if she saw me she would not want to talk to me anymore, so I didn't. The truth is I may very well be right. But at least I would have taken that chance in life. I would have had closure. I would have made it fair to her.

The worst part of all of this, is that some part inside me thinks I'll never get a girl as "good" as her to like me in real life. She had so many amazing qualities, and her being a sexual dynamo put it over the top. The fact that I'm the one who stopped this eats at me, because she never wanted to stop talking to me. My brain just keeps reminding my heart that there was no happily ever after ever coming for the two of us. She is in a better place now, maybe because I gave her that hard push. She met that British guy through casual sex in a bar, but they developed a real connection. She said he is the first guy to ever make her really feel like she could have a relationship with them. She's grown up in love a few months before 19....

Now I just need to do my part and grow up a few months before 31. I obviously have a lot of issues I need to fix in my life because at the end of the day she is a teenager. She may have been confused but she's exactly where she should be in life. In college, having fun, doing whatever she wants. I'm the grown up. That life isn't for me. It just hurts because yes, I'm lonely. I need affection, even its virtually from a girl 2500 miles away.

 

[Senamian]

Mentioning how you felt bad for "forcing yourself into her life" then not taking another step forward (camera and such)...

Something that I have learned. I'm someone who... I don't communicate well. I bottle things up. I unintentionally subconsciously (but now I made it conscious to work on it) push people away; family, friends an loved ones. And the person who I used to be with? He could not do confrontation. He gave up too easily on asking "what's wrong?" because I am very stubborn/withheld. You'd think that how understanding, careful and resilient he was that he would be "perfect for me".

But it was not true. He may have been everything to me (to which I played a part to destroy what we had), but we did not compliment each other. He needed someone who could keep his mind on track, and away from those "other girls". I could never do that. He has that now. I need someone who will push me passed my limits, to MAKE me open up to them, so I do NOT bottle things up. And... I have that now. As much as there were feelings - real feelings - between who I was with and myself... It would never have worked out - not if we had tried again.

So, being the way you are... Is just how you should be. How she is... Is how she will be. You need someone who'll be understanding, very patient, but still give you that push to go forward... And what you give to them, should benefit them too. It took me a year to figure that out.

 

[lostatsea]

Well when I say forcing, I mean when she first started talking to me, she naturally assumed I wasn't THAT much older than her. She assumed I was in my early to mid 20s instead of late. I eventually confessed my age to her but by then we were already fairly close. She already liked me, so it was too late for her to make an unbiased choice. I've also begged her to keep talking whenever we stopped. Even a few days ago, she says why do you keep trying to talk to me when you know I don't want to to talk to you. I was again honest. I said I know if I didn't try talking to her, it really would be over and I didn't want that. She's said it's completely over before, and always eventually came back to me. She asked why she should would possibly want me as a friend when she knows she doesn't need me. I said she knows I genuinely do care about her and would never intentionally do anything to hurt her. So she eventually relented and she feels inclined to superficially talk to me if I message her now. I know she's just being nice now. She does those live casting shows and lies to me about it thinking I'm not watching. If she sees me in there, she freaks out. But this is how it has to be. I also know I should have never contacted her at all after she moved on. It was just the weakness in me.

Spending so much time with this girl changed my life in a lot of ways. For one, I never believed in Zodiac signs. I hate thinking that just because I was born on this Day, and the moon and sun were in these positions, I'm going to have these characteristics. But this girl really believed in them. She is a near textbook Scorpio. I also share a lot of qualities of the typical Sagittarius sign. These two signs are supposed to be among the worst matches in the Zodiac. They are the closest to each other, so that you get a lot of similarities, but at the same time very different. We did butt heads a lot. She also believes she hates Sagittariuses but was cool with me. They say it can be a good relationship between a Sag and Scorp but it requires work.

Scorpios are "mysterious" and "contradictory". You never know what a Scorpio is thinking unless she tells you. Sagittarius are the seekers of truth, and incredibly inquisitive. So I would constantly try to figure out what she's saying versus what she's doing and coming up with what she really thinks. She completely hated that. She didn't want me to figure her out and put her in some box. I couldn't help it, because I hate the amibiguous nature of everything. It's annoying when someones words changes constantly, or when their actions don't mirror their words. But that's just how Scorpios are. They like being in control, and knowing more than everyone else.

I was fairly sure she was all sad at times because we weren't talking. I mentioned it to her, and she said I'm being conceited, of course it wasn't me. Only at the very end did she admit that yes of course it was me. Because when she thought she really cared about me she was willing to forego all the bs. She told me the truth when I asked her. Now that she's moved on she has rationalized she hates sagittariuses including me. She finds me annoying. She said me trying to figure her out all the time is annoying. That I think I know her so well, better than she knows herself. etc.

So I forced her to open up about things she didn't want to. I obviously don't know her better than herself, but I'm sure I know her well now, to the point I can often see what she really thinks about things. At the same time, its a bit hypocritical. I was 100% honest my feelings, but never really opened myself up.

The worst part of all of this are the memories of her. She's by far not your typical girl (not that I would know). Scorpios are dark and she does things very differently. For example, I found this oddly beautiful though I would shudder doing it. After the 2nd night with the British guy she felt so happy and content. She's stayed away from relationships for years. She's always been this highly attractive girl, but her last boyfriend was one of those kiddy ones 7 years ago. She has been lonely and depressed life almost all of this year. She realized that she finally met a guy who she could really see herself with. So she asked him if she could burn him. He was like what?!?! But she said he could burn her too. So they burned each other on their arms. At first it seems weird, but then she said she wanted it to leave a perfect scar. She hopes it doesn't heal over. That's when it all made sense. It's like a tattoo, and she loves tattoos. She had a milestone moment in her life, and wanted to mark it forever with a burn. It's eerily beautiful in ways... and that's just the girl she is.

 

[lostatsea]

So I just tried sleeping naturally at around 1:30 am, but couldn't sleep. So at 3 am I gave up and took a sleeping pill. At 3:30 it kicked in and I passed out. But by 7 am I was awake already. I know way too much about what goes on in her life, and my subconscious must not be able to take it. I woke up with this very bad thought. She's said the hostel that he's staying at, and I'm such a psycho I even looked at a picture of the type of room their in. Mix that with the details of massages, movies, oils, candles, and whatever solution they come up with for sex on their period, it would probably be an interesting passionate night. Now the girl will sleep thru the early afternoon, before being force to say goodbye, and then visit her friends at college.

I have a feeling she's going to be near heartbroken soon because I know this girl has fallen hard for him. They have a good relationship, and there is no doubt in my mind, if he lived in the same state they would be in one. It kind of rolls around in my mind how she spent a good portion of August depressed about me not being in her life anymore. So much so she fooled herself into thinking she loved me. I asked her about it because her fake love is what makes me have such a hard time with it. She answered with a lyrics, "She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man." I know that is the truth. Only a month later she found that real man, who she could really love. I'm kind of glad she discovered reality. It hurts because it pretty much negates my worth. She knows she doesn't need me, and that there are far better guys out there who are real, she likes better, and can have tons of sex with. But I'm also kind of happy she's going to feel heartbroken. It's nowhere near the same situation as me, because hers was real, and they'll still leave on great terms., but she's going to feel that heart ache of passing ships in the night. They casually met at a bar. Reconnected two weeks later, and discovered they could have an intense connection filled with great conversation, and of course awesome sex. I asked her if she rlly liked him and she said, he just makes her happy. She likes being around him. Now that is gone, she's going to feel the pain. Unless they try for an international relationship this is over for now. She won't be able to go to England at least for a year if ever. The guy has no plans to come back to the states. Wow, kind of messed up of me to enjoy that.

I know my number one priority in life is to get the hell out of hers. I have barely checked her accounts much in the past two days. That's huge for me. I've learned to take it a day at a time. I have no idea whats going on in her life after today. While I have a probable idea of with her and the brit, it's still not confirmed. I need to have no real idea what happened, or how's she's feeling. If she's sad a large part of me would try to jump in and comfort her. But in the end what's best for me is complete black out. No contact. No knowledge of whats going on. Day by day. Let her live her life. Live yours.

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

Maybe you need to get away, literally. Pack a bag, and go for a ride over some country, find something, see something, and get of the internet.
I know this sounds like a cliche, but maybe the time off will give you a new perspective. As you are traveling or on a vacation, watch people, observe them, as well as enjoy the nature and try to understand it.
If you think what I wrote was right, then even if it hurts so badly, its a blessing in disguise, as it may start your life in reality. It may show you the possibility of living, that you were pushing away for 30 years before her.
And when you come back, you know that it can be you as well, who is pushing the buttons of others, and not only other way around.

I do not know how to ease your pain. But I suggest you take the good out of it, and learn, as this might have been the brightest chapter in your life so far, even if it did hurt.

 

[lostatsea]

Without lies, two days ago I was having a terrible moment. Seeing her "true" self and knowing all the sexual details of this girl I used to know as a innocent virgin into this, was a monster shock to my system. At the same time, I've made peace with it to a point. I know when she's really a stranger I'll be in a better place.

This was a very dark time in my life. I have friends helping me through. I'm improving myself in various ways. The worst part is just knowing how much she puts herself out there with so many different social networking profiles that are all public. Plus the fact that she talks about every little thing while webcasting. If I let myself, I could follow her life indefinitely... and it would just destroy mine. I just need to be strong. Day by day. I think if I can do that, in a week, when I have no idea what's going on with her, I'll be able to really move past this.

 

[lostatsea]

Wow... it finally hit me how badly I was used.... now that I think back clearly. She didn't change. She just put on an act around me. She was pretending to be something she wasn't just so because she didn't want me to stop being nice, dedicated, loyal and comforting. She was so sure I would judge her, and didn't trust me to just accept her, when the only thing I've ever judged her for was constantly lying to me. Now I realize the reason I'm so stuck on her, is because she put up this fake picture of who she was for 20 months. I fell in love with her based on who she was portraying which was a person she obviously isn't. I wrote this long letter out. I know she's going to be hurting soon because the Brit is leaving soon so I won't send it to her. No need to intentionally hurt anyone.

She trapped me in her heart shaped box for months. I told her how I felt. She could have set me free months ago when she knew she wasn't being genuine. But she kept coming back because she's selfish and user. But it was all based on her continually lying to me. I think I finally see clearly now. Now I just need to hold on to this realization without ever talking to her, because she is so good at manipulation she'd have me right back kissing her feet all over again.

 

[Senamian]

I kind of understand more, of the saying "good guys finish last". It isn't because they are not the "bad boys", but because people tend to use them, and they truly feel hurt when they are used!

I am glad however, that you do realize what she was doing. And it does suck that it happened... And when we care for someone, (even a fake portrayal of them), we tend to blindfold ourselves to the reality... When it seems only afterwards, the reality hits. Because we are no longer blind.

 

[lostatsea]

Yeah it really is true that nice guys finish last. Be too nice and ur so gay. Be too nice and girls will use you as much as possible.

But if nice guys finish last, I'll deal. I'll end up last with all the other nice people, and at least I'll know who's really worth knowing.

Thx again Senamian, you've been a corner block on helping me reach me this point.

 

[Senamian]

I'd rather see people finish last, than cheat to be first

And no problem... That is what I am here for.

 

[lostatsea]

So for the first time in a while. I've been able to sleep without sleeping pills. It wasn't "good" sleep but it was sleep. I woke up a few times. Every time I woke up, it was because of sad or disturbing thoughts. I had this urge to check her pages but I didn't. I'm still a bit shocked how different she is in such a short while. But she's happy. Any scenario in my head to change that would be selfish.

It's obvious now that I'm sleeping that I'm finally getting over it. Just need to continue working on me.

 

[Senamian]

It is good that you are feeling a lot better. It's never easy, but it can be done, to let things go. It is good you didn't check her pages... Sometimes you have to force yourself to avoid it.

 

[lostatsea]

Such haunting thoughts. She spent so many days sad when I wasn't talking to her. Was always relieved when we started talking. I tried getting her to tell me why she was sad all the time. She would say she can't because she would cry. That it was personal. It was just something she had to deal with.

One of the last times I talked to her. I remember saying I couldn't keep talking to her and she got sad. I told her, maybe she missed me as much as I missed her. Then I left. She said, why would that bother her, she's used to disappointment in her life. But that night on Tumblr, she put up all this sad stuff with a message "Ya Blew It".

The next time we talked she finally admitted all those sad times were about me, and she said she felt the same way I did.

Where did that girl go? She became a girl who just wants to meet hot guys and have as much sex as possible.

Yeah I know I shouldn't even think about this stuff... and it's obviously working against me. But her manipulations were so good... it's seriously messed up my emotions... Vile Scorpio

 

[Senamian]

It took me a while to accept that "the person I once knew" was not the person he is today. Eventually, you will come to accept it.

 

[ladyforsaken]

It took me a while to accept that "the person I once knew" was not the person he is today. Eventually, you will come to accept it.

Yep. Unfortunately this happens a lot.

 

[Senamian]

Very unfortunate. Some of the best people I knew... Now some of the worst? How? Quite saddening, and I hope they are doing a lot better nowadays.

 

[lostatsea]

Another nights sleep. Not bad. I was talking to someone from ALL on skype for two hours or so before going to bed which made me feel pretty good seeing what brought other people to ALL. I think I'm finally getting back. I just need to keep staying away from the girl for a long while and things will be just fine.

I woke up with a song on my mind. The last time I spoke to her was maybe 5 or 6 days ago, and she made it a point to ask me about the song Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus. She also sang it a few times. But then got annoyed and said "Okay, I'm over this song now". I couldn't help but think she was trying to hint something.

"We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain, We jumped, Never asking why.
We kissed, I fell under your spell of love, No one Can deny
Don't you ever say, I just walked away, I will always want you,
I Can't live a lie, running for my life, I will always want you,
I Came in like a wrecking ball, I never hit so hard in love, All I wanted was to break your walls, All you did was wre-e-eck me"

The idea that this is how she saw us is melting my resolve. I can see it being sort of true. Her feeling bad about me for so long. Her constantly coming back. In some ways I could say she tried so hard to give me a chance. If the feelings were real, then I would say she really cared about me. But I never let the walls down. I was too scared. I just kept wrecking her by constantly saying we can't talk anymore bye.

At the same time there is no doubt in my mind, if she saw me she would have lost interest quickly. Part of that is low self esteem, but part of that is also reality. I really shouldn't think about this that much. It's just going to make me sad again.

Even if it's not entirely true, I need to hold on to the idea that yes she kept coming back, but it was for her own selfish reasons. Not for my benefit but for hers. She never really cared about me. She just missed me caring about her. She pretended to be someone she was not, just so I would keep caring about her.

I completely removed and blocked her on skype. So there is now no easy way for her to really contact me. When she sees that I've removed her, she'll be completely over it and not care. Which is for the best. I should never speak to her again. That girl I knew is gone, as well as the respect that girl had for me. Time to finally move on like I should have done a month ago.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I wish you all the best moving on. Keep going forward.. it gets easier by the day if you don't look back and keep yourself and your mind occupied with other things.

 

[Senamian]

I'm glad you're doing better - you're moving along faster than I ever could!