How to Stop Correcting People

Hi. My name is Case, and I'm a recovering grammar nazi.

(HIIIII, CASE!)

Well, here's a brief description of my former life. I wasn't just a guy who would correct your grammar. I'd correct anything you said that was factually inaccurate. If you said that Samuel L. Jackson starred in "The Shawshank Redemption," I'd say, "No, he wasn't in that movie. You're thinking of Morgan Freeman." If you said that President Nixon was impeached for the Watergate scandal, I would have said, "Uh, he was never impeached. He resigned." And, so on.

The thing is, I thought I was doing people a great service by correcting them on their errors. This was the depth of my delusion. As I saw it, if I informed them that they were saying things that were wrong, they would be better people, and I would have helped them achieve that with a simple corrective comment. (Once again, so I thought.)

Over the years, however, I realized the only thing that this got me was angry stares, bruised egos, and people thinking I was an utter *******. This was a shocking blow to me considering I only wanted to help people, not create conflict. When I realized that no one wanted to be corrected, even if it made a person less ignorant, it made me question what it means to help someone. It was my bucket of cold water hitting me in the face, and I didn't know how to proceed.

Then, I saw a TV show on PBS (several decades ago) with some psychologist talking about lowering your stress. In it, he said four magic words that turned my life around. He said, "Let people be wrong."

He said that the more we try to correct other people, and in fact, make ourselves responsible for the mistakes that everyone makes on a daily basis, the more we experience high levels of stress, and the more people will dislike us. (There's more to it than that, but reducing stress was his main point.)

So, he suggested that we let people be wrong. Don't respond. Don't correct them. Unless you know for certain that the person will appreciate the critique, just leave it alone. And, unless it is part of your profession to teach someone a skill and to make sure they make no mistakes, just don't correct people.

My eyes suddenly were open to a world where the mistakes people made were no longer my responsibility, and a huge weight was lifted from me. If someone said the sky was plaid and really meant it, I could let it go. If someone said my favorite band in the world was, in fact, the worst band in the world, I could finally let it go. It was a revelation to me. I didn't have to correct ANYONE, and I could actually find happiness in that.

The point in the phrase "let them be wrong" is to not let someone else's error affect you, and I realized that when someone said something wrong, it really bothered me for some reason and I had a compulsion to correct the error. However, if I "let them be wrong," I relinquish responsibility to the person making the error, and I move on with my life.

If you think that "let them be wrong" is too arrogant-sounding, you can replace it with a similar phrase, which is "live and let live."

Do you have a compulsion to correct people? If so, maybe this simple philosophy will help you live a more relaxed life.

EDIT: Of course, there are always exceptions. For example, if I was in London and I heard someone say that to get to Piccadilly Circus station they needed to take the Circle Line, I would have to interject and say that they needed the Piccadilly Line instead, because the Circle Line would not get them to Piccadilly Circus at all. This would be my honest effort to help out a fellow traveler.

GRAMMAR NAZIS UNITE!!!!!

I'm pretty good about not correcting people TOO much. I'll do it occasionally, just to annoy people or if they use a word incorrectly that I just can't seem to abide. (Those words shall remain secret, so people can't do it to annoy me )
I will, however, NEVER, correct someone's grammar if I feel I'm losing an argument. I've seen it so many times and it's ridiculous. If you argue with someone that has been using bad grammar the entire time and only start correcting them later when you realize you are not "winning," you are just proving that you lost, IMO.

"Do you have a compulsion to correct people? If so, maybe this simple philosophy will help you live a more relaxed life."

Only ******** that I feel deserve to be put in their place. You know the type, the know it all's that aren't as smart as they think they are, but love to run their mouths? Yeah, them.

Depends on a lot of things. If you are a naturally smug ******* when you correct people then yes, it's annoying and you should stfu. But if you can correct with tact, providing the person you're correcting isn't an easily-offendable idiot, then go ahead and correct them. People can be utterly face-smashingly annoying whether they are right or wrong about something. No one likes a know-it-all but also misinformation is a plague. There should be no harm correcting friends. But sure, let some people be wrong if they have nothing to do with you.

I used to be just like this as a kid. I was a bit of a perfectionist, and as someone with Asperger's whose focal interest is language, it can be a struggle for me not to say something when I hear incorrect or irrational information. Fortunately I learned early on to curtail it and let people be wrong sometimes (obviously I can be wrong too), and "Live and let live" is one of my nearest and dearest personal philosophies. Correcting misinformation was my way of helping, but it was putting people on the defensive rather than having the desired effect, so I decided to try putting people at ease instead. Rational arguments stimulate my mind, and I still enjoy a good debate. But I don't enjoy conflicts, and I've found that most people can't engage in arguments without getting bruised feelings; most end up disintegrating into circular logic, extreme analogies (Godwin's Law) and personal attacks, so it's just not worth it.

Of course now some people think I let too much go, but ya can't please everyone.

I used to be quite the grammar enthusiast (I avoid using the word "Nazi") but I realized that a lot of my desire to correct people was for classist or elitist reasons, and over time I let it go.

I hate when i see u used instead of you. Or the letter 2 for the word to. Not only is that lazy it is also wrong.

I took it to a whole other level and correct people on everything, not just grammar.

World domination is the next step.

johnny196775 said:

I hate when i see u used instead of you. Or the letter 2 for the word to. Not only is that lazy it is also wrong.

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Isn't this more of a texting thing? I can understand the economy of using less letters to complete a text. I don't do it, but I get why people do it.

I actually like being corrected and not just in the way of spelling or grammar but I mean criticism in general. As long as the correction is actually correct anyway, it can be a little silly to hear it from someone who has the right intention but delivers misinformation. In my own personal view, I welcome it because I value truth over ego.

Of course not everyone subscribes to such thoughts and many would rather go unchallenged, so that's where I draw the line. Like Solivagant I've met plenty of people who don't handle it well. In fact they're the reason I've resisted the feelings of pain (the truth hurts!) and make a solid attempt to objectify criticism.

Regarding text messages, I type as lazily as possible as long as it's a friend I know well. Yes that means at times ill typ lik dis. Hey as long as they understand what I mean it doesn't matter right? They know I don't actually think this is the proper way to type anyway and are well aware of my capacity to spell if I choose to do so.

Solivagant said:

I used to be just like this as a kid. I was a bit of a perfectionist, and as someone with Asperger's whose focal interest is language, it can be a struggle for me not to say something when I hear incorrect or irrational information. Fortunately I learned early on to curtail it and let people be wrong sometimes (obviously I can be wrong too), and "Live and let live" is one of my nearest and dearest personal philosophies. Correcting misinformation was my way of helping, but it was putting people on the defensive rather than having the desired effect, so I decided to try putting people at ease instead. Rational arguments stimulate my mind, and I still enjoy a good debate. But I don't enjoy conflicts, and I've found that most people can't engage in arguments without getting bruised feelings; most end up disintegrating into circular logic, extreme analogies (Godwin's Law) and personal attacks, so it's just not worth it.

Of course now some people think I let too much go, but ya can't please everyone.

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Can I ask you for some advice? I have Aspergers as well and I go to a French group once a week. A man with Aspergers goes there as well. My French is a bit rusty at present and I make mistakes from time to time such as with grammatical gender when I am speaking to someone else in the group. The man with AS, if he overhears, will interrupt the conversation to tell me I have just made a mistake. How can I ask him not to do this without hurting his feelings as I am revising grammar etc at home and so will improve over the course of time without his corrections. Also, when I am speaking to someone else I don't like to be interrupted by a third party with a correction as it disturbs the flow of the conversation. Most of us with AS are sensitive to criticism so I need a gentle way of asking him not to do it.