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Wife cheated on me - not sure what to do now
#1
Hi Lonelyers

This has been bothering me for a while and it's starting to wreck my head.

I've been married for 7 years, but last year I discovered that my wife had been arranging to meet a man for some sort of sexual encounter. It never got that far, mainly because I found out and told her I knew. I caught her because she had used Facebook messenger on her phone without realising that all the messages were appearing on her Facebook chat window on her PC. The messages were flirty and sexual, and a definite arrangement for some sort of "tryst" had been made, but the biggest punch in the gut was when the man asked about me, she said that "we were married in name only" when in fact we were weeks away from renewing our Wedding vows.

Apologies were exchanged but me being the one who always backs down, to try and find a solution, forgave her and tried to put it behind me. We cancelled the vow renewal after I said we had to cancel them as there was no way I could look her in the eye at the alter after what she had done. This was last August, and to this day I still feel actual pain whenever I'm reminded of that.

Up until recently, (well discovering this site actually) I fell into a bit of a rut and lost touch with a lot of people. My wife however had made new friends through her work and was often out partying over Christmas which I didn't mind because it gave me time to do what I wanted to do and I have no problem with her socialising, but it really held a mirror up to my own life, to how far I had fallen into the shadows compared to everybody else.

Joining this site has lifted me out though considerably. I have made some great friends here especially one who I love chatting to every evening about everything and anything Smile If you're reading this, you know who you are, and you rule Smile

But I'm just a bit lost now as to what to do about my marriage - do I accept it is over and board the singledom bus, or carry on as I am, hoping the pieces will fall into place eventually?

She's not a bad person, she made a mistake and I don't believe it was malicious, but at the same time I don't know if I can ever recover from it. In fact I think it was joining this site that made me question my relationship, as I had pushed it to the back of my mind but the conversations here have really brought it back into focus.

The prospect of leaving has brought a lot of worries; where will I go, what about the mortgage, our pets and our home, how will she get to work without me taking her? etc etc and that's enough to scare me back into the state of limbo I have been living in ever since I found out. But I do want to sort it out before I go insane. I just want to be happy again. I've never been in a breakup situation before so I have no idea what to do.

No advice needed (but is welcome) just needed to vent.
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#2
I don't have any advice for you.

I was married for 3 years before she decided that she never did love me. She was the type that was afraid to be single, as being single means that we are not wanted (many of us could relate to that - probably all too well). This all "ended" when she started to talk to another guy and was very interested in him and used this time to finally tell me that she didn't love me (when she never did in the first place, but there wasn't a 'good' time to tell me). Anyway, that didn't "work out" and she fell back to me for awhile until she found another guy who she is now with.

Looking back, I should have never let her come back. My good side had too much compassion. You may think that's heartless, but let's put it this way.. I'm not spending my money and time on someone else's spouse. I'll be a decent human being, a friend, but no longer a lover.

My ex has another guy to take care of her, she doesn't and shouldn't need anyone else to lean on. So I am not going to let myself be one of those tragic-but-have-a-happy-ending-in-20-years-because-she-finally-realized guy. I moved on, and am quite happy with my life right now. It was hard, sure. You know that saying "don't look for someone who you can live with, find the one that you can't live without." right? Well, maybe she was the one that you can't live without, but you have to live without her anyway. There could very well be another person you can't live without.
"Easier said than done." Yes, but what else are you going to do about it?

"You can't feel the warmth of the fire if you have four layers on trying to keep the cold out."
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#3
I don't know, if it was me, that would break the trust. And she would have to be the one making the effort to prove she does love only you and is a loyal and trustworthy wife. If she made no extra effort and just wanted to drop it, I wouldn't feel the issue was settled. You caught her that's why nothing happened, not because she called it off and realized she was making a gross error in judgement. And I'd be wondering if she is out with the girls flirting with the guys on her evenings out.

You might try finding a counselor to talk to about this and maybe she would go too, at some point. Though she may not be very willing to do that. It was easiest to just say sorry and drop it, but she wasn't the one with the knife in the heart. This is still an open wound for you, and it would be for me too in your situation. I knew a guy that the same kinda thing happened to, but when he saw she had been texting some guy and caught her, she got her back up about it and after a brief time decided she wanted a divorce. So because she hasn't said anymore and life goes on, you don't know what's going on in her mind. You don't want to be blindsided like that either. Better the two of you see a counselor and tell her this is still bothering you. You might get a clearer idea of whats in the back of her mind too. I hope things work out for ya.

My exwife, went overseas (to Africa) for her dads funeral, than stalled and stalled about coming back, saying she was sick and had been in an accident. Eventually through some investigation I found she had fooled around and gotten herself pregnant (she never acknowledged this but I know it to be true). When I said I was going there myself to see what was going on, she sent me an earthshaking letter asking for a divorce. Completely out of the blue, it had been all I love you's miss you's I know you need me there kinda stuff before that. Her reason for the letter, she said she wanted to say in over there, but she in fact flew back to the states, just to another city (on the return ticket I paid for). Lies and lies. Well that's the short version. I include that just so ya know I'm not just talking out of my hat about problems of the heart.

Moving on is certainly an individual thing, everyone is different, and even luck or fate can come into play. I have read men take divorce harder than women, that it takes them longer to move forward. From the guys I knew that would be true, but then they were the ones that were cheated on. Of course adultery is no big deal in regards to custody of children anymore, in our moral-less society. Thank heaven in my case, there were no kids involved.
Ngilahlekelwe
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#4
Speaking from experience, it will be so very hard to trust her again. You will wonder every time she's gone, every time she talks to someone on the computer what she's doing, what she's planning to do.

But, that's just me and my experience and a few of my friends' experiences. If you can get beyond it and trust her, that's fantastic, but realistically, can you? It's likely not something you will forget and it will likely stay in your subconscious for a very long time, if not forever. Do what you feel is the right thing. Don't worry about what will happen later because you can't know. I wondered the same things you are....what about the mortgage and the bills, the pets and (for me) our kids. You'll find a way and you'll be okay.
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#5
Hey man i just want to say im very sorry you went through that. Ive got good news for you though. All that really matters can be answered in one simple question. Do you still love her? Because its all a matter of if you both want to fix it, it can be fixed.

I had some dealings with this myself back around 2006. I had went into the army for a second time, long story but i ended up having a nervous breakdown when i got to the base, still not sure what the hell that was about. But anyway i ended up stuck in a damn mental ward, the same one i was in back in 99 so i was dealing with that. Then on top of everything else i found out my wife had been talking to this guy online she met through the mmo WoW of all things. Now heres the real kicker, it turns out this dude was on the same damn base i was on and everything. So im stuck in the fucking nutfarm while this guys out there somewhere basically in the same town. So you can imagine how pissed and angry and broken up and broken down and going crazy and everything else under the sun i was. I remember she called at one point and told me she was leaving me for this guy and i was on one of the couches in the ward in a fetal position crying like a baby pretty much.I also almost went to jail because the fucker was living in my damn house at the time and the docs decided i was stable enough to come home for christmas. Yes this was during christmas. THAT was fun.... Anyway im sure you dont wanna hear all the sordid details of this, but i was ready to kill this guy. I dont mean figuratively speaking i mean i was going to take his life i was that pissed off. But my friend at the time, he told me, man it takes two to do this and she was just as guilty as the guy. So what i in the end decided was despite all the pain, all the betrayal. All that bullshit that goes along with it. I just forgave her and let it go.

Eventually she found out this guy was a scumbag and he was married too and cheating on his wife and they had a few kids. Anyway its like you said with your wife. Mine realized shed made a mistake. We eventually worked things out. Got back together. Our 17th anniversary is coming up this march 22nd. In some ways it was a blessing believe it or not because it helped me realize despite everything how much i really loved her. Hurt has a way of speaking that nothing else in life really can. So you just gotta ask yourself what does your hurt tell you to do? I dont mean the initial fuck everybody and the world feeling, i mean that deep down hurt most people dont talk about. Does it tell you to go or stay? Go with that because theres some truth there.


I wrote all this to let you know that there is hope if you love her to work things out, but it does take time to get over it.A lot of time honesty, But now i can say that i love my wife more than ever and more importantly i trust her which is something i didnt used to do. So it can be a good thing if you manage to heal from it. Maybe going to see a counselor would be a good idea too they can guide you through sorting out all the feelings. Communication as always is the main thing that needs to happen. Just be honest with each other i mean BRUTALLY honest. And go from there. Thats the only way to work through it.

Good luck brother and I wish you peace and ill be praying for you and your family.
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#6
Sorry you're having to go through this.

Along the lines of what has been said already. Do you still love her? Has she been remorseful about what she did? Do you want to try and work it out? Going to see a marriage counselor would probably be a good step if those answers are "yes". They can help you both work on communication, so you don't fall back to the same place you were. Trust is a very hard thing to get back once it's lost. It's not easy and it does take time. Plus as with anything else there are periods of highs and lows.

Hang in there and remember to do what you feel is best for you, not what others feel you should do.
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I've been thrown down run around, beaten 'til I hit the ground. Telling you right now that it's over. - Five Finger Death Punch "Lift Me Up"

Don't get discouraged, don't be afraid, we can make it through another day. Make it worth the price we pay - Triumph "Fight the Good Fight"
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#7
I don't want to sound like a downer here, but love is not always enough. If you lose trust, it's not a good thing and it's very hard to make it work.
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#8
(03-04-2015, 03:45 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote: I don't want to sound like a downer here, but love is not always enough. If you lose trust, it's not a good thing and it's very hard to make it work.

^^This

My mom and dad didn't trust each other. It wasn't with cheating, but money. They divorced, and are doing way better. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. Would you be friends with someone you don't trust? No. Then why would you want your PARTNER, the person that is a part of you untrustworthy?
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#9
I would get rid of her.
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#10
Sorry to hear about this H3donist, I can't imagine what it's like having to deal with it. Ultimately I think, like others have already stated, it has to be down to trust and whether you both are willing to work to be together. Counselling might be a good idea so you can talk things through in a calm environment so you know where you both stand.
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