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Genuinely wanting a true answer to my dilemma
#1
I can't believe I'm writing this but I guess it's not so bad hiding behind my keyboard.
I'm just looking for some answers and I want you to be brutally honest and not worry about hurting my feelings.

I'm in my mid thirties and I have never been in a relationship. Looking at me you would never think that as I'm not bad looking and I'm a very genuine emotionally intelligent person.

This is where it ends though, as all my life I can never get the girl I fall in love with. Worse thing is I fall in love with girls I cannot get, to be more specific, girls who believe in only going with white guys. I was born in England and have very European features and light skinned ( not that this matters )

But what I want to ask is, do you think it's possible for a girl who thinks that way to change her feelings towards me? We're already good friends, and she's younger then me but I've fallen in love with her and this keeps happening to me. It's like on some subconscious level I am attracted to girls like this.

What I want to know is, is this not worth pursuing?
Should I keep investing my emotions into this, well it's not like I have a choice but I like to hope, hope is all I have. My time is running out and I don't want to be alone till I die.
I thought I'd accepted this, but it turns out it's a natural human trait to want to be with someone.

So is it possible to change a girls mind who thinks that people should stick to their own race?
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#2
It's completely possible. People's emotions and feelings do change. We (as people in general) are allowed to change our minds. This is why I don't necessarily believe in the whole friend zone thing. Just because things don't happen when we want them to, doesn't mean it couldn't ever happen, especially with things like this.

I should add that I'm not sure about people who's minds are really stuck in stone with some things. To change one's mind would be up to the person to actually do, regardless of you doing or showing them something different about what they think.
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#3
It happens, but it's not fair to expect it. If they've made it clear that what's on the table is friendship, then that's what they're offering.

I've been on the receiving end and it's incredibly uncomfortable if a guy takes it as a "maybe someday" and not a "no". The belief that if he is nice and waits, I may have feelings I've said I don't have and want to give him what I've said I don't want to give him.

There are plenty of women who don't need to be convinced to date other races -- is there some reason you feel you need to earn the love of those who do? Changing other people's minds is generally difficult. You don't control what they think.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
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#4
(11-03-2017, 08:28 AM)Tealeaf Wrote: It happens, but it's not fair to expect it. If they've made it clear that what's on the table is friendship, then that's what they're offering.

I've been on the receiving end and it's incredibly uncomfortable if a guy takes it as a "maybe someday" and not a "no". The belief that if he is nice and waits, I may have feelings I've said I don't have and want to give him what I've said I don't want to give him.

There are plenty of women who don't need to be convinced to date other races -- is there some reason you feel you need to earn the love of those who do? Changing other people's minds is generally difficult. You don't control what they think.

Dont nut get me wrong, she dos not know I feel like this at all. I hide it, I don't ever comment on anything to be nice or ever go out my way, as when she said that thing about people sticking to own races, it hurt. As I feel real love is blind, but it hurts thinking she is currently that shallow. Environment plays a huge part, her mum owns a pub and everyone is very English so to speak, I guess I mean common. I think they would look down on her as where I'm from this happens alot. So please understand I would NEVER put her in that predicament like she owes me, as I would not want that either. I also don't want to force her to like me, I want it to naturally happen, obviously more has gone on then what I'm saying here so you only get a short version but your input is massively appreciated. I've been hurting for a long time, this has happened to me before and it really hurts deep as I never had an option before I was born what colour or culture I would be born into. The life lottery has not been too kind in this regard, but I guess I'm angry at myself for falling for these type of girls. Part of me thinks that it's just that the majority of girls are like this where I'm from so unless I move I don't know if I can change it. No matter how positive I try to be, I think I'm buried under a lot of depression so sad truth I want her in my life but I probably wouldn't be healthy for her.

(11-03-2017, 07:53 AM)VanillaCreme Wrote: It's completely possible. People's emotions and feelings do change. We (as people in general) are allowed to change our minds. This is why I don't necessarily believe in the whole friend zone thing. Just because things don't happen when we want them to, doesn't mean it couldn't ever happen, especially with things like this.

I should add that I'm not sure about people who's minds are really stuck in stone with some things. To change one's mind would be up to the person to actually do, regardless of you doing or showing them something different about what they think.

thanks for the reply, I've never done anything like a forum before. I feel a little ashamed as I feel that I must have fallen far if I need to vent on forums, but I guess it's meant to be therapeutic right?
i like what you replied, it's nice to feed my dream hope, I feel if I fuel it enough maybe it will come true? Lol
 or maybe I'm stringing myself along into another wasted phase of my life I could be spending being more productive for myself. I just wish I could switch it off, but I repeat the same pattern and I don't know why. But again thanks for the post
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#5
A lot of women are going to be very uncomfortable continuing with things anyway, regardless of whether the male friend accepts the 'no'. Not going to sugar coat it: there's a high likelihood this will result in an end to the friendship, if not immediately then via a gradual cooling off to the point where you barely talk again.

Needless to say, falling for a friend is often a bad idea. It's usually awkward, inexperienced men this happens to since their friend circle is the only area where they socialize with women. Rejection hits harder for them.

I used to think it was a more 'noble' thing than just approaching women I didn't know or was only vaguely acquainted with. After all, if you already know them, it implies an appreciation for who they are, not just what they look like or seem to be from afar. Experience teaches otherwise though.

I think also there's a certain level of contempt thrown at men who display passive traits by attempting to get into relationships through the 'back door' of friendship. We're expected to display the courage and masculine qualities required to do the whole approach + get rejected 100x + over thing. The Nice Guy label is also something you would want to avoid (deserved or not, it's often used to articulate aggression and contempt).

How much younger? Did you ask her already? If you have then no it's not worth pursuing or holding out hope for. You're better to try and keep your emotions in check, otherwise it's setting yourself up for a lot more pain.
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#6
(11-03-2017, 09:50 AM)ardour Wrote: A lot of women are going to be very uncomfortable continuing with things anway,  regardless of whether the male friend accepts the 'no' and doesn't bother them about it again.  Not going to lie, there's a high likelihood this will result in an end to the friendship, if not immediately then as a gradual cooling off to the point where you barely talk again.  

Needless to say, falling  for a friend is often a bad idea. It's usually awkward, inexperienced men who do this, since their friend circle is the only area they get to socialize with women. Rejection hits harder for them.

I used to think it was a more 'noble' thing than just approaching women I  didn't know or was only vaguely acqainted with. After all, you already know them, which must mean you appreciate them for who they are and not just what they look like or seem to be from afar. Experience is a hard teacher though.



I think also there's a certain level of contempt thrown at men who display passive traits by attempting to get into relationships through the 'back door' of friendship, We're expected to display the courage and masculine qualities required to do the whole approach + get rejected 100x + over thing. There's also the Nice Guy label you would want to avoid  (whether deserved or not).

How much younger? Did you ask her out already? If you have already, then no it's not worth pursuing and you're better to try and keep your emotions in check, otherwise it's setting yourself up for a lot more pain.

what you just wrote is very accurate and it's how I see it.no, I have never asked her out, in fact she would be shocked to know I feel this way, I hide it very well because of past experiences. Also you are right, to me it feels safer going for someone I know, but I am by default fighting an uphill battle because of my skin colour/culture. My post really was because of this, it's happened all my life and I don't know what to do about it. I'm proud of my background but in this day and age where I live, it's not seen as desirable. I'm just going to accept it and move on, any other choice won't be healthy for me, it's already killed a small part of me so I guess it's time to bail.
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#7
I'm sorry you feel like you have to bail, I know exactly where you're coming from. Only you can make the judgement on whether its right or wrong to tell her your feelings as you know the circumstances and the details of your previous exchanges. If you genuinely thought there was a chance that it could work out, wouldn't it be worth saying something? I may not be the best qualified to give advice as in the past have got it wrong too often.

If it helps at all I share some of your feelings.
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#8
Well, if you think you are going to die alone, think positively, there are people who are going to die alone too.. Someone like me.

Getting a hot woman is tough. They see the approach coming and they reject it as fast as they can.
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#9
(11-03-2017, 08:28 AM)Tealeaf Wrote: It happens, but it's not fair to expect it. If they've made it clear that what's on the table is friendship, then that's what they're offering.

Exactly this. Plus, if they have a preference for something that you don't fit in, it's difficult for them to just change and you should not expect them to at all.

(11-03-2017, 09:50 AM)ardour Wrote: Needless to say, falling for a friend is often a bad idea. It's usually awkward, inexperienced men this happens to since their friend circle is the only area where they socialize with women. Rejection hits harder for them.

I used to think it was a more 'noble' thing than just approaching women I didn't know or was only vaguely acquainted with. After all, if you already know them, it implies an appreciation for who they are, not just what they look like or seem to be from afar. Experience teaches otherwise though.

Try going for women that you just see in a bar or whatever and tell me what that experience will teach you. Falling for a friend will always be more advisable, there's a reason for why that person is your friend and it's a lot like the reason why someone would want to be with you romantically.
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#10
(11-05-2017, 02:32 AM)DarkSelene Wrote:
(11-03-2017, 09:50 AM)ardour Wrote: Needless to say, falling  for a friend is often a bad idea. It's usually awkward,  inexperienced men this happens to since their friend circle is the only area where they socialize with women. Rejection hits harder for them.

I used to think it was a more 'noble' thing than just approaching women I  didn't know or was only vaguely acquainted with. After all, if you already know them, it  implies  an appreciation  for who they are, not just what they look like or seem to be from afar. Experience teaches otherwise though.

Try going for women that you just see in a bar or whatever and tell me what that experience will teach you. Falling for a friend will always be more advisable, there's a reason for why that person is your friend and it's a lot like the reason why someone would want to be with you romanticall.

Ask a friend out and there's a good chance she'll think you were only ever interested in her as a romantic prospect. Assuming you want to remain friends, that's why it can be a bad idea. I wouldn't expect hitting on someone in a bar to go well either. The ideal is someone you're already acquainted with up to a certain point (just not a friend).

I don't mean to completely discourage the OP. if I were him I would probably take that chance. As depressing as the outcome is, if she takes offence and ends up avoiding him then he probably has other friends.
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