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how do you get over a negative mindset
#11
(01-16-2019, 02:23 PM)AmyTheTemperamental Wrote: What has helped me personally (and I am no way implying that you have an addictions problem or anything) was step 4.

What is step 4? Multiple people on this thread have mentioned it
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#12
A big personal problem of mine is that I have a poor opinion of myself and look to others to fill that hole I feel. The problem is, others unconsciously treat you the way you treat yourself, and I'm very critical of myself. I have obsessive thought of "I wish I didn't say that, I'm so stupid." "I wish I didn't do that". I have read many articles that tell you to ignore what people think, but it's deep grained into my mind and I don't know how to snap out of it. I also have a talent for projecting my self-hate, saying things that make me look bad until the person who thought I was cool completely can't stand me. It's like I do it on purpose and cant get a grip of myself. I also have this deep rooted anger that comes from a feeling of constant miserableness. I get upset over the smallest things that I've seen others not even think twice about. I don't know what caused this, or how to change it, but I really want to change. Does anyone else interpret everything (event and interaction) negatively and project their self-hate? I really want to overcome this. I've made small steps where if I became anxious about something and would normally ask the other person if they think its an issue, I hold back and tell myself "I'm not going to put my energy into it." I just wish I was one of those people that do/say whatever they want and absolutely do not care how it gets interpreted, and they actually draw more people that. I'm more interested in conquering my sadness/loneliness than I am in finding friends. I've always admired those who can be alone comfortably. I just don't want to live the rest of my life with a broken negative tape record in my head. I mean a human can't possibly regret EVERYTHING they say/do, but I somehow can.

I really appreciate the responses so far. It's makes me happy to see that there are people who care and want to help. It's nice to know I'm not alone, although I wish others weren't experiencing this as well.

(01-16-2019, 06:10 PM)hewhowalksalone Wrote: It's as though I wrote the original post AND the reply.  This is pretty much the way I think.

(01-16-2019, 08:46 PM)TheRealCallie Wrote: Other than that, maybe if you catch yourself being negative, stop and reanalyze it with a different prospective.  Even if you don't fully believe it, it will give you the chance to look at it in a different way.  A way other than your own.
As for opinions of others, do these opinion givers honestly know you? Do they care about you? If they don't know you, not really, just remember that they don't, that their opinion has no relevance because that.  If they do, maybe you could ask why they think something or say something so you can try to understand it better or determine that it's complete bullshit.
I really like this. Applying this in my everyday life and thoughts is the issue. When I try not to think about stuff like this, or something bad happening I think "what do normal people think about all day?" i'm really fed up with overreacting to the smallest things, it makes me feel like an angry child that is sad and broken on the inside.
I've tried looking at different perspectives but it somehow always goes back to the negativity..
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#13
(01-20-2019, 07:27 PM)Sir Joseph Wrote: Whether you accept it or not, the overwhelming scientific evidence is that you were created by a supernatural being - something beyond time, space, and matter; powerful enough to create the cosmos and life out of nothing; knowledgeable enough to create our complex minds; and loving enough to instill love and conscience into us as human beings.  Such a being is best described as a god, and I'd confidently say that the god described in the Christian bible best fits that bill.  I would also confidently say that, after considering a significant amount of the bible's textual criticism, historical documentation, archaeological evidence, and fulfilled prophesies, that the Christian faith is the only one, true religion in the world.  No others can come close to having such verifiable supporting evidence.  And in its inspired scriptures, one can read, understand, and appreciate that God not only created us, but that he created us for a purpose.  So how's this suppose to relate to your sense of self worth, confidence, or concern for other people's opinions of you?  It comes down to you needing to have a proper relationship with your creator.  If you're a Christian, you need to gain your knowledge, strength, and proper world view with more bible reading, praying, and help from small church study groups.  If you're not a believer, I'd suggest you give it some thought, since it's the most important thing in this world and life.  When you have a right relationship with God, being the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, you'll have immense peace in your heart, confidence in who you are, and strength to disregard others' opinions about you.  In other words, the standard of who you are and how you're judged will be by God, not man. There will always be people trying to judge or influence you by their own shallow, wrong, or misguided opinions.  Some are good or right of course, but how do you distinguish right from wrong, or the type of person you want to be?  I'd suggest that the world's wisest old man, King Soloman, said it well in Proverbs 3;5-6:
While I'm not religious, I am spiritual and believe we are all an extension of God. I believe we are put here to master loving ourselves first, so that we can subsequently love each other and will be closer to God since we are all technically a part of him. It is hard to like others, when you loathe yourself and all events surrounding you, this is the challenge.
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#14
Your response is fair and reasonable, and I've spent some time pondering how best to respond once more myself.

Although I enjoy sharing my strong beliefs and values with others, hoping to persuade people's thinking, I don't like being a nuisance to anyone. So I try not to delve into serious discussions on religion, politics, or important things in life unless someone shows interest in such. In your case as a non-Christian, spiritual person (like several friends of mine), I won't preach to you excessively, but let me reiterate one point.

I understand well your belief that you need to love yourself in order to love others. Right or wrong, I agree with that and give you credit for valuing the two - thus showing that you do have a moral conscience that's on a good track. I would presuppose though that our first purpose in life here is to know and love the Lord. As Jesus said, this is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like it - to love others as we love ourselves. All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments.

Is it not possible that your skipping the first priority in life is affecting the second priority in life? And having both of these values out of wack inevitably causes your own sense of worth, value, and self-love to be lacking? If so, I'd propose that pursuing a right relationship with God will result in a renewed spirit within you, giving you peace, strength, and love for yourself as well as others.

You may pursue other non-Christian paths to make it through these challenging times, but I'll boldly claim that there is but one right path to take. And that path has divine wisdom and power to guide you straight, whereas none of the other false religions, cults, spiritual paths, or secular methods do.

I'll pray again that the Lord's spirit work on your heart to open it up to the greatest love in the world. He's with you all the time; you just need to let him in to change you and your life. I've said enough and will let you go now to seek your preferred destiny. Here's a last thing I'll offer though: should you get a time of worse dispair and reach the point of hopelessness with life, give this song a listen - Safe, by Phil Wickham. Believer or not, it's a good, encouraging tune. My tablet seems unable to make a link but you can copy the following link easy enough if and when you want.

https://youtu.be/hZAUq1-c8dw
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#15
(02-03-2019, 04:17 PM)Sir Joseph Wrote: Your response is fair and reasonable, and I've spent some time pondering how best to respond once more myself.  

Although I enjoy sharing my strong beliefs and values with others, hoping to persuade people's thinking, I don't like being a nuisance to anyone. So I try not to delve into serious discussions on religion, politics, or important things in life unless someone shows interest in such. In your case as a non-Christian, spiritual person (like several friends of mine), I won't preach to you excessively, but let me reiterate one point.

I understand well your belief that you need to love yourself in order to love others.  Right or wrong, I agree with that and give you credit for valuing the two - thus showing that you do have a moral conscience that's on a good track.  I would presuppose though that our first purpose in life here is to know and love the Lord.  As Jesus said, this is the first and greatest commandment.  The second is like it - to love others as we love ourselves.  All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments.

Is it not possible that your skipping the first priority in life is affecting the second priority in life? And having both of these values out of wack inevitably causes your own sense of worth, value, and self-love to be lacking?  If so, I'd propose that pursuing a right relationship with God will result in a renewed spirit within you, giving you peace, strength, and love for yourself as well as others.

You may pursue other non-Christian paths to make it through these challenging times, but I'll boldly claim that there is but one right path to take.  And that path has divine wisdom and power to guide you straight, whereas none of the other false religions, cults, spiritual paths, or secular methods do.

I'll pray again that the Lord's spirit work on your heart to open it up to the greatest love in the world. He's with you all the time; you just need to let him in to change you and your life.  I've said enough and will let you go now to seek your preferred destiny.  Here's a last thing I'll offer though: should you get a time of worse dispair and reach the point of hopelessness with life, give this song a listen - Safe, by Phil Wickham.  Believer or not, it's a good, encouraging tune. My tablet seems unable to make a link but you can copy the following link easy enough if and when you want.

 https://youtu.be/hZAUq1-c8dw

thank you for your response. i was not trying to gear my replies towards religion, more so giving my perspective of the world. I understand what you're saying, however i don't want the thread to head in that direction.

I'm wondering if you or anyone have advice regarding how to not take every single thing that happens in life so seriously. I'm extremely sensitive and negative and fixate on things. I'm not sure what to focus on. i feel so different from everyone. i feel like my thoughts are abnormally negative and i'm not sure how to fix that. when you've been told so many times you're negative and have no friends which provides you evidence of the face, you are convinced, yet don't know how to change it. have you had experience with this? I'm more positive when it comes to others but when it comes it to me, it's somehow skewed
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#16
I'm afraid you've tapped out my advice options, but I'll reiterate my points on two of your persistent issues, hoping that repetition may have some convincing or influential effect.

First, I'd suggest that you may never lose your critical, passionate, excitable nature since it's an ingrained personality trait - much of which I share myself.  But,  you can shift it from all negative to a balanced mix of positives and negatives. That means making an intentional effort to look for positive, good things around you each day to counter the negative incidents that you also face each day.  In other words,  your proactive positive thoughts can help balance out the reactive negative ones.  For example, today I'll see several things that piss me off - like smokers polluting my air and throwing their cigarette butts down, assholes crowding in line or not stepping aside to pass on a sidewalk, idiots honking their horns wrongly at people, and liberals expousing their usual Trump hating views on TV.  I can't help but notice and react negatively (emotionally and intellectually) to these things unless I want to hibernate from the world. And that's not a good way to live.  What I can do though is notice and appreciate the pretty, sunny day I wake up to, notice and appreciate feeling good and rested with yesterday's injury looking better, notice and appreciate the good breakfast that I'm able to have, and notice and appreciate the hundreds of pleasant sights and sounds I'll experience throughout the day, which includes man-made items, nature, and the things people and animals do.  In yours and my privilaged environments, there's always a world of neat, interesting, entertaining, attractive stimuli around us.  Being critical and passionate in nature allows you (and me) to observe and feel more of these things than average people.  I think that enriches life - if one notes the positives, not just the negatives.  

Now, how do you learn to take better notice and appreciation for the many positive stimuli around you - to achieve that balance in your critical observations?  I answered that before with the word "perspective."  For me, travelling to 3rd world countries for the past 20 years has changed my perspective immensely.  I used to take so many things for granted, but now I recognize the freedom, culture, infrastructure, safety, convenience, and comforts available in the U.S.  Returning stateside just once each summer, it's a real privilage now for me to visit a large grocery store and have such a huge choice of foods; to have the checkout conveyor belts actually work; to have prices of products marked; to visit a Walmart and be able to find such a wide variety of neccesities; to have escalators that actually work; to have free public bathrooms; to have paper towels to dry your hands or toilet paper in the bathrooms; to go to a fast food place and actually get fast service; to be able to buy electronics for a discount price; to be able to return unwanted products; to be able to try clothes on in a store before buying them; to be able to drink and use tap water; to see people standing in lines to take their turn; to have cars driving in lanes, with lights on at night, going in the right direction; to not have polluted air from the 1950's diesel taxis and busses; to walk the city sidewalks without dodging constant holes, poles, and low hanging electrical wires; to have a car and the ability to be mobile; to find police keeping law and order and not just standing around doing nothing without payment; to have recourse against endless barking dogs, roosters, or 4-day kareoke machine parties next door on the street; to know that there's a safety net of fire, police, and medical care that will help you in an emergency.  These are but a few of the many things that have become noticeably absent to me in my full time life now overseas.  And boy, now do I take notice and appreciate so many of these daily things when I do see or find them.  When I find something small and simple that I need, or have a choice, or get good service, or have people behave right, or see something nice or just working right, I notice and appreciate it now.  These are positive things added to my day helping to counter the negatives.  Now you, I'm sure have innumerable positive things like this enveloping your routine daily life of activities.  Taking these for granted short changes you on your positive feelings in life.  So, back to the initial question: how do you aquire an appreciation for such things?   I'd suggest that you start doing some overseas travel yourself.  Really, it's money and effort well spent, and it'll help put a balanced perspective on your critical observations and thinking.  And second, I'd suggest that you start watching some true war time or inspirational hardship movies.  After any good, real WWII movie, I always go to bed feeling so fortunate to have avoided such bloodshed, pain, and suffering.  It REALLY puts my excitable issues and perceived negatives into a proper light.

Your second issue of not liking yourself, with the resulting effect of being overly sensitive, defensive, and hurt is another matter for diagnosis and solutions.   As you know, there are several self help and outside professional options available to you, along with others here already offering some secular advice.  You have apparently tried several of these paths, but to little success so far.  I personally feel that the religion path that you want to avoid here is the best solution to the problem.  First, it would change your views on the world and your role in it.  Second, it would likely change your sense of self-worth and interactions with other people.  And third, it would hopefully lead to membership in a church where you would meet good people with problems like you - people who would uplift you and give you needed support and friendship.  This is what you choose to avoid now, and this is the only help perspective I can offer.

To avoid preaching, I'm out of words.  You have an attitude problem all right which pains me to hear, but I do think it's fixable. Don't dispair yet.  Stay optimistic, keep seeking your answers, and hopefully you'll see the light with time.
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#17
(01-23-2019, 06:46 PM)hewhowalksalone Wrote: Clover4You, how are you doing?

I really appreciate you checking in on me. that's very kind of you. how are you? do you want to share some of your troubles with us?

I am okay. I've been trying hard not to complain but find myself without things to talk about. I try googling topics to talk about but they are not are very interesting/natural for me to casually bring up in conversation. I have no boyfriend and no friends, so I have no activities to talk about/events I attended, i'm really stumped on topics to talk about so I end up staying quiet. i'm lonely as ever because my only friend moved. A classmate/acquaintance of mine recently told me i'm very strange and secretive, she talks to many others in my class so I guess i'm viewed as strange which I already figured. Sometimes I wonder if I have a personality disorder because i'm very strange/angry/sensitive. It sucks being the weird one. I also dislike how angry I get over small things. I have always been an angry/sensitive person which in my view go hand in hand because when you're hurt you become angry. I have a great way of rubbing people the wrong way to where they strongly dislike me. This is upsetting because I care WAY TOO MUCH what others think. But still, I try my best to remind myself that others are treated as me, I'm not alone. I also try to remind myself that my life is not bad, *I* make it bad with my outlook, but in reality the majority are truly blessed. Sure we've all been through struggles, but even being able to talk about our loneliness on a forum is a blessing. I remind myself that I get better each and every day and try to learn from my mistakes.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to not project my self-hate? I already try to by not complaining cause then it makes me/my life look bad when others go through similar things. I truly believe others hate me because I hate myself and hate them too.

And yeah, people are ALWAYS going to have something to say about you, so why try to please them. Screw them! lol
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