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Despair
#1
Hello Again, Nearly five months ago I was on the verge of taking my own life. For a week or so before that day, I had thought about all the reasons why I should choose to live and those why I felt it would be best for me to go. The reasons for not living another day were far more than why I should continue on with not only the painful loneliness, but also because of some serious health problems that I’ve been fighting for a very long time and which were only getting worse. My Mom and Dad had passed away from Alzheimer’s not long ago and my three sisters haven’t spoken to me in years. I have a daughter, who’s 35 now, who I haven’t seen or heard from since she was three and a half years old.  For twenty years of that time I had been incarcerated because of a severe drug addiction problem and the consolidation of a lot of minor drug crimes, but every month I was locked up I wrote her a letter explaining how sorry I was for not being there for her and how much I loved and missed her more than anything in the world, but she still kept up her silence and has never spoken to me again.
 
Then in October of last year, after I posted a message filled with hopelessness and despair, a woman on ALL had replied to that message and we began talking and gradually my focus changed from suicide to the love I was beginning to feel for her.
 She lives in another country and even though we’ve never met face to face, it didn’t matter to me then because of what I was feeling in my heart for her. About a month later was when I told her that I was beginning to fall in love with her and she surprised me by telling me the same thing. Initially we  both were hesitant about sharing our deepest secrets with each other, but gradually I became more comfortable in doing so. We talked every night on the phone for hours on end and then we found out about Skype and when it was working it was great. It gave us a chance to finally see who we had been talking to and falling in love with. We had a set time that I would call each night and that in itself gave me something to look forward to.
 
Then the subject turned to my health problems, which as I said earlier were serious and then she shared that she too had a serious heart condition, but she was going to try and get it taken care of. Unfortunately though my health problems wouldn’t be so easily fixed and my time here on earth was limited. They began causing me a lot of pain and I tried my very best to hide that pain from her because I didn’t want her worrying about me when I wanted her to get her heart condition fixed. Gradually the pain I felt became worse and I no longer could hide it as well as I did before Skype. The harder I tried to conceal it from her the worse it seemed to become and I became worried that I might not last long enough to spend any time with her. I was planning on going to visit her in her country and she told me the best time to visit was in May when the weather was more suited for going outdoors, but I was constantly worried that I might not make it until then and I think some of that worry showed in my behavior when we were on Skype.
 
Please understand that I love this girl with every part of me and I have never felt as strongly about someone as I do her, but gradually our differences showed their ugly heads. They weren’t major differences, but because I had told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, however long that was. They were something we needed to talk about and we did. She was under a lot of stress because of her Mom being on her death bed and even though I was thousand miles away I tried to alleviate some of that stress by telling her how much I loved her. I didn’t know what else I could do which only frustrated me. When you love someone as much as I do her, I think it’s only natural to want to shield her from as much stress and pain as you can. Then sadly we began not seeing eye to eye on some things which somehow have gotten magnified and the frustration I was feeling not only from the immense pain I was feeling, but because of my inability to be there for her as she was for me when I was at the end of my rope back in October of last year.
 
With great sadness I need to say that it doesn’t seem that we will be a part of each other’s future, a future we both dreamt about for so long. Now, I find myself feeling full of the same hopelessness and despair I felt what seems like a lifetime ago. Now and I have absolutely no desire to take another breath. In the past whenever our relationship started to disintegrate, I would begin feeling the same desire not to live another day. I’m smart enough to know that my happiness shouldn’t be based on whether or not I’m with the girl I fell I in love with, but pain has a way of clouding one’s judgment. The reason I’m posting this is to let you know that it is possible for you to fall in love with someone who’ve you’ve never been with romantically. The thought of us being together in that way in May did help us to hold out hope,  but it seems as if that hope is gone despite my dreaming of it still. One of the things that hurts me the most is that she will never know the full extent of my love for her as words can only say so much.
 
She always be the best thing that has ever happened to me and because of the loss of the one love that has meant the most to me in my life and my desire not to take another breath, I will say goodbye and hopefully I will see her again in another place. Thanks
 
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#2
I've been in a similar situation as you, but I didn't feel nearly so acute about it.

But, I can tell you one thing that worked for me, and it already did for you too: Don't quit and give up. Keep going.


Look at it, seriously. Where you were at before you even met her; without hope and wanting to die; but you didn't. You kept going and look what you found.

Yeah, it didn't work in the end, but you got something from it, whether you know it or not. You got wisdom. You're better off now than you were last year, and things still improved.

Keep going, one day at a time like you did before and you might end up meeting someone even better. That legit happened to me after my own first breakup that really, really hit me hard. And all I did was try to keep living for me and I wound up clicking with someone in a place I had gone for fun when I wasn't even looking.

You said your life might be short enough as it is, so why would you want to end it quicker without getting what you really want? Hold out, keep doing what you're doing, and I promise you, you'll find it in time. If life has taught me anything, it's that if you want something bad enough, you'll get it.
You might not know how, or even when, but it'll happen.


Long story short: hang in there. Trust me.
[Image: giphy.gif]
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#3
Thank you for sharing, I know that must have been hard to do. I feel that if you both love each other as you say, you can try to make it work.... Somehow figure this out. I hate to see you feel such despair....

I wish you luck and we are here to chat always....
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss
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#4
(03-12-2019, 03:43 AM)scorpio54 Wrote: Hello Again, Nearly five months ago I was on the verge of taking my own life. For a week or so before that day, I had thought about all the reasons why I should choose to live and those why I felt it would be best for me to go. The reasons for not living another day were far more than why I should continue on with not only the painful loneliness, but also because of some serious health problems that I’ve been fighting for a very long time and which were only getting worse. My Mom and Dad had passed away from Alzheimer’s not long ago and my three sisters haven’t spoken to me in years. I have a daughter, who’s 35 now, who I haven’t seen or heard from since she was three and a half years old.  For twenty years of that time I had been incarcerated because of a severe drug addiction problem and the consolidation of a lot of minor drug crimes, but every month I was locked up I wrote her a letter explaining how sorry I was for not being there for her and how much I loved and missed her more than anything in the world, but she still kept up her silence and has never spoken to me again.
 
Then in October of last year, after I posted a message filled with hopelessness and despair, a woman on ALL had replied to that message and we began talking and gradually my focus changed from suicide to the love I was beginning to feel for her.
 She lives in another country and even though we’ve never met face to face, it didn’t matter to me then because of what I was feeling in my heart for her. About a month later was when I told her that I was beginning to fall in love with her and she surprised me by telling me the same thing. Initially we  both were hesitant about sharing our deepest secrets with each other, but gradually I became more comfortable in doing so. We talked every night on the phone for hours on end and then we found out about Skype and when it was working it was great. It gave us a chance to finally see who we had been talking to and falling in love with. We had a set time that I would call each night and that in itself gave me something to look forward to.
 
Then the subject turned to my health problems, which as I said earlier were serious and then she shared that she too had a serious heart condition, but she was going to try and get it taken care of. Unfortunately though my health problems wouldn’t be so easily fixed and my time here on earth was limited. They began causing me a lot of pain and I tried my very best to hide that pain from her because I didn’t want her worrying about me when I wanted her to get her heart condition fixed. Gradually the pain I felt became worse and I no longer could hide it as well as I did before Skype. The harder I tried to conceal it from her the worse it seemed to become and I became worried that I might not last long enough to spend any time with her. I was planning on going to visit her in her country and she told me the best time to visit was in May when the weather was more suited for going outdoors, but I was constantly worried that I might not make it until then and I think some of that worry showed in my behavior when we were on Skype.
 
Please understand that I love this girl with every part of me and I have never felt as strongly about someone as I do her, but gradually our differences showed their ugly heads. They weren’t major differences, but because I had told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, however long that was. They were something we needed to talk about and we did. She was under a lot of stress because of her Mom being on her death bed and even though I was thousand miles away I tried to alleviate some of that stress by telling her how much I loved her. I didn’t know what else I could do which only frustrated me. When you love someone as much as I do her, I think it’s only natural to want to shield her from as much stress and pain as you can. Then sadly we began not seeing eye to eye on some things which somehow have gotten magnified and the frustration I was feeling not only from the immense pain I was feeling, but because of my inability to be there for her as she was for me when I was at the end of my rope back in October of last year.
 
With great sadness I need to say that it doesn’t seem that we will be a part of each other’s future, a future we both dreamt about for so long. Now, I find myself feeling full of the same hopelessness and despair I felt what seems like a lifetime ago. Now and I have absolutely no desire to take another breath. In the past whenever our relationship started to disintegrate, I would begin feeling the same desire not to live another day. I’m smart enough to know that my happiness shouldn’t be based on whether or not I’m with the girl I fell I in love with, but pain has a way of clouding one’s judgment. The reason I’m posting this is to let you know that it is possible for you to fall in love with someone who’ve you’ve never been with romantically. The thought of us being together in that way in May did help us to hold out hope,  but it seems as if that hope is gone despite my dreaming of it still. One of the things that hurts me the most is that she will never know the full extent of my love for her as words can only say so much.
 
She always be the best thing that has ever happened to me and because of the loss of the one love that has meant the most to me in my life and my desire not to take another breath, I will say goodbye and hopefully I will see her again in another place. Thanks
 

Scorpio54 hang on to the good memories. Those memories are yours forever. Just as you found this woman there can be others. Hold on and keep moving forward.
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