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Debilitating Guilt
I recently moved out of my parent's house... Altough life should be better it's not. I always feel afraid and anxious that they're angry (because they are) that I left. I dwell on it constantly. I've attempted talking. They don't want to clearly. They just want me to come home.  They've gone as far as to threaten to call the police (they cant because I'm 18). Although I know my reasoning for leaving, my stepdad's parenting techniques were toxic, is justified, I still feel guilty constantly. It has made my already bad depression even worse. I can't cope with any feelings. Most of the time I lay in bed and watch YouTube for long periods of time (sometimes an upwars of 15-16 hours on end without meals) to numb the pain. Even if I am up, doing something I enjoy, I one minute will be fine and then be hit with a thought about them or some other trigger that sends me on a downward spiral where I will abruptly stop what I'm doing and lay down and let all these feelings just build up. Sometimes it gets really bad and I'll sit there staring at a wall with my mouth hanging open and won't be able to build up a crumb of will to move or live. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone.
maybe your guilt feeling comes from their gaslighting to you.
must be me right?  Cool

Quote:Although I know my reasoning for leaving, my stepdad's parenting techniques were toxic

Expanding on the above statement in your post may help to give better advice.
They are likely thinking you are not ready to be on your own yet. Or maybe it's more malicious and they want to continue to control you. You don't know why they want you back home, but the important thing is whether or not you think you can live on your own. Prove to them that you can be on your own and be okay.
Do you have a job? Do you go out and function? Do you clean and cook and all that for yourself? Are you self reliant? You see where I'm going with this.

If you aren't already, you should consider seeing a therapist to try to get your emotions in check. It's not healthy to go without meals that long and be that depressed. Honestly, it's probably not healthy to live alone right now. I'm not saying move back in with your parents, but what about a roommate? Step it up and show them that you are capable, show them that you will be okay. And stop feeling guilty, you are taking your next journey in life, a natural one. There's no reason to feel guilty.
I know it's hard, but fight the anxiety and step out of your comfort zone to make yourself a better life. Slowly, of course. Unless you do, you'll likely just prove to them that you aren't ready. You can do it.
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(01-20-2020, 12:06 PM)SpectraApocalypse Wrote: It's not always easy when a child leaves the nest, for the child or the parents.  If you felt strongly enough about what was going on to move out, it was likely the right thing to do.  I'm sorry it's making you feel so much guilt.  If you've not reached out to a counselor or therapist, that could greatly help sort these feelings and help you build good coping skills that keep you going.  It may require cutting some ties with them for a bit while you work this out.  Not abandoning, just taking a break.  Sometimes difficult relationships can be resolved somewhat through a temporary separation so each party can reflect and restore themselves, then be able to restore the relationship.  Prayers for peace, strength and restoration.
Every child bumps heads with their parents growing up, I don't know your exact situation. But I do wonder, with your obvious depression and self-imposed isolation, do you think your parents could be worried that you might hurt yourself? Or at the very least neglect your own well-being?

You made a choice to leave a situation that was intolerable for you, and I'm not saying that you should go back. But you need to take care of yourself. Some people suggested therapy, if you don't have a job or money and you're worried about that side of it... You have access to the internet, you can find options that work for you.
You're at a really rough age and now you have the major life change of moving out for the first time. It's no wonder that you're feeling anxiety.
Try to build some semblance of a routine/structure it will help. Get out of your ...apartment? And get a little exercise everyday.(a short walk is fine) Eat regular meals, go to bed at the same time every night, and get up at the same time every morning. Beyond that? Maybe spend less time on YouTube... Do you have any friends or acquaintances you can spend time with? If you don't already have a job, get one... I would hope you do since you're living on your own... But 16 hours a day watching YouTube doesn't leave much time for anything else, does it?
I wish you the best of luck.

I'm including a link to a BuzzFeed article about therapy options when you can't afford it.

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