Hello, I'm a Big Fancy Advice Columnist

Hello, I'm a Big Fancy Advice Columnist
By O. Iamsosmart


Are you depressed? Lonely? Constipated? Well I'm a big fancy advice columnist and I know absolutely everything. Whatever it is that's troubling you, I can fix. I know every aspect of your life and have walked in your shoes many times. I am omniscient. I am the Alpha and the Omega. Heed my words!

Are you having relationship problems? Do you feel unappreciated by your spouse? Maybe you need to "kick 'em to the curb!” It's also possible you that you need to "Lose the zero and get with the hero!” Then again, it could be that you both simply need to spend some "quality time". You know, to "sort things out" or "share your feelings" with one another.

Are you suffering from self esteem issues? Are you feeling like a big ugly sack of raw sewage? You should probably learn to "love yourself". You should make a list of all the qualities you possess that make you "special". Then you should make a list of things that make you "not so special". Then maybe you should make a list of groceries to purchase. All three lists should then be merged into one Master List. Now throw that list away. It's stupid.

Do you suffer from bipolar disorder or manic depression? I'm talking to you LYDIA! Snap out of it and bring me my coffee. I'm not paying you to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. It’s bad enough that I have to listen to you drone on endlessly to your boyfriend over the phone all the time. You know, the one that smells like motor oil and wears the “No Fat Chicks” t-shirt? By the way, your vacation has been cancelled…because you’re fired.

--------

Thank you for reading my amazing and helpful article. If you get the opportunity, please buy my new book "Ten Personal Problems That Can Be Fixed by Punching Yourself Repeatedly in the Crotch". It's on sale now at places where they sell books and crap like that.

I appreciated this. Advice columnists are just one step up from psychics in my opinion, and both should have big disclaimers saying: "WARNING - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO EXTRACT ANYTHING MEANINGFUL FROM OUR USE OF VAGUE POP PSYCHOLOGY". We were going to make a documentary about TV psychics, but heard so many disgusting things from a "real" psychic about the people who run the industry that we decided to get the hell out - it was like some Dan Brown honeysuckle, we would have been chased down and shot by some porno baron.

**rolls eyes**






.

Hmmmm don't think I'd trust that columnist with my life.

Sounds like an excellent book actually. I'd buy it

Minus said:

Click to expand...

Lol... It's a good thing John was there in her time of need.

hahahahaa man that's good stuff guys

i greatly enjoyed you're very convincing act as a person with bipolar disorder

very classy

evanescencefan91 said:

hahahahaa man that's good stuff guys

i greatly enjoyed you're very convincing act as a person with bipolar disorder

very classy

Click to expand...

?

Sorry, but this is confusing me. If you're saying it offended you, I apologize. The intent was to point out how frustratingly useless some of the advice columns I've seen are...not to insult anyone with bipolar disorder.

If you're saying you actually enjoyed it, then thank you.

lol pretty funny satire. can't believe that advice columnist responded that way in that newspaper clipping pic, although it's pretty funny and probably the best answer.