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Hello, I'm a Big Fancy Advice Columnist
By O. Iamsosmart
Are you depressed? Lonely? Constipated? Well I'm a big fancy advice columnist and I know absolutely everything. Whatever it is that's troubling you, I can fix. I know every aspect of your life and have walked in your shoes many times. I am omniscient. I am the Alpha and the Omega. Heed my words!
Are you having relationship problems? Do you feel unappreciated by your spouse? Maybe you need to "kick 'em to the curb!” It's also possible you that you need to "Lose the zero and get with the hero!” Then again, it could be that you both simply need to spend some "quality time". You know, to "sort things out" or "share your feelings" with one another.
Are you suffering from self esteem issues? Are you feeling like a big ugly sack of raw sewage? You should probably learn to "love yourself". You should make a list of all the qualities you possess that make you "special". Then you should make a list of things that make you "not so special". Then maybe you should make a list of groceries to purchase. All three lists should then be merged into one Master List. Now throw that list away. It's stupid.
Do you suffer from bipolar disorder or manic depression? I'm talking to you LYDIA! Snap out of it and bring me my coffee. I'm not paying you to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. It’s bad enough that I have to listen to you drone on endlessly to your boyfriend over the phone all the time. You know, the one that smells like motor oil and wears the “No Fat Chicks” t-shirt? By the way, your vacation has been cancelled…because you’re fired.
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Thank you for reading my amazing and helpful article. If you get the opportunity, please buy my new book "Ten Personal Problems That Can Be Fixed by Punching Yourself Repeatedly in the Crotch". It's on sale now at places where they sell books and crap like that.
By O. Iamsosmart
Are you depressed? Lonely? Constipated? Well I'm a big fancy advice columnist and I know absolutely everything. Whatever it is that's troubling you, I can fix. I know every aspect of your life and have walked in your shoes many times. I am omniscient. I am the Alpha and the Omega. Heed my words!
Are you having relationship problems? Do you feel unappreciated by your spouse? Maybe you need to "kick 'em to the curb!” It's also possible you that you need to "Lose the zero and get with the hero!” Then again, it could be that you both simply need to spend some "quality time". You know, to "sort things out" or "share your feelings" with one another.
Are you suffering from self esteem issues? Are you feeling like a big ugly sack of raw sewage? You should probably learn to "love yourself". You should make a list of all the qualities you possess that make you "special". Then you should make a list of things that make you "not so special". Then maybe you should make a list of groceries to purchase. All three lists should then be merged into one Master List. Now throw that list away. It's stupid.
Do you suffer from bipolar disorder or manic depression? I'm talking to you LYDIA! Snap out of it and bring me my coffee. I'm not paying you to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. It’s bad enough that I have to listen to you drone on endlessly to your boyfriend over the phone all the time. You know, the one that smells like motor oil and wears the “No Fat Chicks” t-shirt? By the way, your vacation has been cancelled…because you’re fired.
--------
Thank you for reading my amazing and helpful article. If you get the opportunity, please buy my new book "Ten Personal Problems That Can Be Fixed by Punching Yourself Repeatedly in the Crotch". It's on sale now at places where they sell books and crap like that.