I'm going to suicide, but before that let me tell u abit about my useless life.

I'm turning 28 in September 2007. But i might never reach that age. I'm just gonna say something here, then would do myself a favor for once and go die as planned on a secret date, time and place. alone by myself when i can finally free my life.

I live in Singapore. None of you probably know where this tiny little country is in the big freakin map. I had wanted to die when i was around 18. But I kept get told by others that is not worth to die. Now almost 10 years later. I kind of regret. 10 years, my life is now in an all-time-low. I'm not gonna regret again.

When i was born, (my mom told me this) my legs weren't straight. My sternum, the center bone of the chest is dent inwards. The nurses had to fold my tiny legs up and down everyday to "exercise" them so that they'll be straight when i grow up. Thing is, my legs my legs are still not 100% straight and when i stand, people said i look lazy. When i take off my shirt people stare at my hollow chest with disgust. Its just so dented inwards like a punch print on a sponge. I don't dare to take off my shirt anywhere other then my in my own room.

Age 3, i got scalded by boiling water and it left an ugly scar on my left collar bone. Everytime i go for swimming as a kid, others would look at my scar like they'd just saw an alien-spider. I quit going to the pools or beach.

Age 8, my ******* dad left us. My mom had to work alone to bring up my eldest bro, 2nd sis, and me. We don't get any pointers in life.
We're all left to ourselves. my relatives shun us coz of the shame my dad brought, and my mom shun them too. My brother bullied me all my childhood-life. He (a smoker himself) beat the hell outta me when he caught me smoking and the umbrella was crooked from using it to hit my legs. He didn't do it for the good of me, just an excuse to bully me again that day.

i went to Secondary school, (probably something like college) but never finished it. Was too dumb.

Commited a crime (similar to vandalism) at 19 and was sentenced to 9 months jail.

Got my first GF at 20 (knew her previously for 1 year), loved her deeply and i thought i finally know how wonderful life actually is. She broke up with me just after 19 days. The reason she told me was that she is too evil and she don't wanna taint my clean life. I was totally in shock. How could someone so gentle like her do such a sudden crazy thing to me? I have no answer.

lived a secluded, hermit and pointless life for 2 years.

Somehow met a new girl just before i was drafted to the army at 21 but i refused to join the army coz i thought the God of the Bible probably would agree that i am right and that the Army is wrong. Consequently Detained for 3 years and 3 months in the Army detention barracks for refusing to join the army. Lost all my friends (all of them think i'm a religious-nutz) and also lost my 2nd girlfriend half-way through my sentence.

Released in September 2004. its now nearly 3 years since then, and i'm still struggling to rebuild my life. Got a 3rd Girlfriend last year but i end the relationship coz she did something quite unforgivable in a relationship. Forgave her and we got back together. She promise to be faithful but did it again. And so i broke up with her again. Forgave. Did it again. Forgave. Did it again. And thats how i FINALLY ended all the shits with her.
Now i'm all alone again. no friends, no one cares about me.
27 years of pure meaningless lonely life with out any chance for a good life ever.

This is what i do every day. Wake up, work as cashier, go home, try to call some old friends out (but they will ALWAYS tell me that they're too busy with their own wonderful life.) Smoke, listen to sad musics, Watch porn, masturbate (which is the only high-point of my day), smoke some more and then go to sleep.

I still live with my mom. But i really don't know what to do anymore. I tried to get to know some new ladies but EVERY SINGLE ONE of my attempts failed. I'm just not attractive and i know i'm dumb. Every night i face loneliness staring at it-staring-at-me. I thought freedom was the most important thing in life during my 39months in D.B. but freedom to me now is useless. I'm suffering everyday. and i had been Hurt too much and too deep by too many evil peoples.
I want to fight back, be strong, to love BUT no one just want to understand who i really am. 27 YEARS of my ******* lonely life.

I forgot to add i got on-and-off breathing disorder due to my dented sternum and almost everyday i have to fight the fatigue and pain resulted from it. (and the doctor told me nothing can be done to correct this physical deformation)

There are thousands of other sad and negative things that has happened to me that i won't be able write them all down. I'm lost.

i'm tired.

All I'm gonna say is DON'T.
Life fuckin sucks. Yea. But whatever, it's just one time... there's nothing after,nothing before it.
We're all fuckin lonely, some with more horrible lives than others... and your life definitely sucks... I don't doubt for a second how hard it must be... but still... even suffering is better than being molecular dust any day... keep writing here 10 times a day if you feel like it.. you might not find a girlfriend but at least someone to talk to..

i agree, just DON'T DO IT!!! it's a pointless thing to do, i know you must feel so hurt and lonely, you made me feel so mucyh, by just reading your story, it was wonderful and don't doubt it, maybe in a bad way, maybe in a good way but it was wonderful, don't lose faith, even though life sucks, for you, for me too, i think it sucks for everybody, it's just that yours was a lot more harder then mine or others people; you just have to live...at least just to know what lifes means...even though you seem like you don't have any more strenght...you should always look forward, wouldn't you like to know how oldness is like? how, i don't know, life will be in about 20 years, even if you may think it will be just the same ******* lonely life, everything can happen; MIRACLES HAPPEN! just live your life with all it's pain, and when you'll die, you'll know that even if it was spo hard, you lived, you lived till your last breath; only then you'll know true freedom; when you lived everything God wanted us to live and finally let the pain go away; yes freedom is the most important thing in everybodys life, but what freedom?

PS: STOP CALLING YOURSELF DUMB!!!
no dumb person coul dwrite something like you did it was wonderful, i repet; and i will always remember it...
i hope you'll take our advise, and you'll come back to us; i'd love to talk to you some more!

Hi AP,

Your story was very touching and powerful. You sound like a decent, good person, who's had some really rough cards in life.

Please don't even consider suicide. It's not right. Can you even begin to imagine how your mother would feel? I'm sure she loves you. Even if she doesn't show it, she still loves you and needs you.

I'm very interested in Singapore. I always wanted to travel there. I think it is very messed up that they put you in jail for refusing military service. That is bullshit!

I'm somewhat of a pacifist myself. It has nothing to do with being a "religious nut". So you didn't want to go and kill people, that means you are GOOD person, not someone who deserves jail!

Please hang in there.

I'm sorry about your problem with your sternum. Can I tell you, I met someone with the same problem? In fact, he was from south east asia as well! I did not even know that he had this problem until he took off his shirt. Though it was a bit unusual I did not judge him. I think this is a fairly common problem and he sort of "compensated" for it by doing a lot of weight lifting, which helped to build up his arms and back muscles.

I'm sorry about the pain, though.

As for your girlfriend who cheated--it seems she has a problem and it would continue even with another guy. Once a cheater, always a cheater, I say.

You've had more than so many people already in life: 3 girlfriends, some friendships though they were weakened when you went to jail, and then of course you have a job.

Please register and also STOP calling yourself dumb..you may be many things but you are NOT dumb!

lonelygirl is wise - how would your mother feel? she'd blame herself. do you want to put something like that on someone you care about? whenever thoughts like those enter my mind, i think of my mother and my younger brother. i think about what it would do to them. that's what keeps me from ever seriously considering it. i'll deal with 1000 years of loneliness and sadness if it will save the people i love from having to deal with what they'd go through if i were to go that far.

Hey Alex,

As I mentioned I knew a guy who had this same issue with his sternum. I google searched it and here is a link to a surgery that can correct it. I don't know if you have nationalized health care in Singapore, or good surgeons, but YES this problem IS correctable if you are having trouble breathing and fatigue:

http://www.pectusdeformity.com/

The link says that the results are good for this surgery and people are able to get their energy back afterward.

Hey Alex

I think you've started going thru your Saturn Return, my friend. And it's a very difficult patch to go thru. I hope you click on the following link and read the whole thing....I'm sure it will shine some light.

Sending you a massive hug X

http://newage-directory.com/saturn.html

Hi alexp, by reading Your post I can tell that You have had a very hard life but please do NOT suicide! things might get better for you. As lonelygirl said, there IS a medical treatment for your condition. I dont know much about your medical condition but if there is a cure or at least a medical treatment that can relieve at least some of the pain then why not try it? and about all of those people in your life who are treating you badly and those who don't care are just bitches and you should not think that all people are like that, only some are bitches and you should not listen to them because their opinions don't matter. please keep on living your life and if you need a friend just remember that this forum is a place that will always welcome you. You may feel like no one in the world cares about the pain you go through every single day but for what it's worth, I and everyone at this forum DO care. Don't lose hope, friend.

Hi, don't know if you are gonna read this, but you can correct whatever you want with plastic surgery these days, wich is great, because you can make an inner change with an outside change, there are even especial programmes if you don't have enough money. After that, everything will be better i can tell you that...
Just go after whatever it is that you want... i am not against suicide, but i think you have a shot!!

More stupid advice for amother hit and run poster. How sad.

I don't think that was bad advice, Aaron. I think that the guest was saying this person has a SHOT at getting a better life.

How, exactly? True, the suggestion to get the needed medical care is the best advice amid the foolish pep talks. But far easier said than done. Typically, you are not paying attention. alexp lives in destitute poverty we can scarcely imagine. Indeed, reread his account of such medical care as he has received.

You say yourself that God wouldn't want you in the army killing people...
you even spent years in prison due to that belief.
do you think he would want you killing yourself?
If he did you would be dead already.

Et tu?

ummmmmmmm aaron i'm confused, i thought he lives in Singapore? Hardly a destitute place. Whatever. I think suicide is morally wrong and is a lie from Satan. Suicide doesnt' solve any problem. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Don't assume that simply because Singapore is prosperous, that poverty is any lighter there than elsewhere through out the Far East. But that's an Empirical question. The point being that we have no idea what is easy or practical for alexp. How well do you suppose he's insured as a cashier?

Moreover, knee-jerk pontification may get anything off your chest, but it won't help anyone else.

is not a stupid advice is logics, man!!!!!, if you feel bad about yourself in a such a way that it affects your life... well, you have to correct whatever it is that you don't like.
I didn't say it was gonna solve all of his problems, but it will make a huge improment, he will at least a little better...
anyways!!!, instead of insulting my advice (wich is the right star), why don't you give your own??
I didn't assume he was Rockefeller either!!, infact i mentioned in my post that in every country there are these probono programmes for people who need surgeries and can't afford them!!.

Given the gravity of his situation, I couldn't begin to advise alexp without interviewing him at some length and only then a great deal of thought. That's my point!

AaronAgassi said:

Given the gravity of his situation, I couldn't begin to advise alexp without interviewing him at some length and only then a great deal of thought. That's my point!

Click to expand...

You don't need to interview him in length to know that the way he might look is affecting him... that was my point.
I have no idea about his life or exact feelings, so i canot give any further advice, but i do believe that's the beginning right there...
And i'm not bitching at you (just in case).