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Why are you a loner?
#71
(08-29-2010, 08:14 PM)Enchanted Girl Wrote: I sometimes think that I'm a loner because I choose to be. It's sort of true, but I choose to be because it's what I'm used to really.

As a child, I was very, very social and used to go around every day at school (from pre-school to the end of elementary) asking if I could join in people's games, trying to talk to people, and trying to make friends. I also got rejected every day. I gave up a lot later than other people give up, I think, but when I gave up, I learned to not be able to speak to other people anymore.
From early school to half-way through highschool, I was constantly bullied. Not physically, but emotionally. I switched high schools after my sophmore year. At the new school, there were more people like me (went from really small school to a wide-area high school) and I fell into the wrong crowd (the people who didn't care about grades/did and sold pot/overall slackers) and it didn't do me any good. After so many years of non acceptance, I was glad to find a group that brought me in, but it did me more harm than good. After I graduated, I realized that it was no longer what others thoguht of me or how I appeared to others that matters, but what I think of myself or how I appear to myself that does. Even though people say this all the time, it really is true. Only YOU decide who you are, no one else.

(08-29-2010, 08:14 PM)Enchanted Girl Wrote: It's all because I look and act like a nerd. I just always have. People literally see me and decide this. Whenever I start working somewhere, too, not just in high school and stuff, I am immediately the nerd again. Maybe it's my glasses, the clothes I wear, the way my face looks, or all of the above, but it's just the way it is.
Apparently I look like a drug dealer. I am an incredibly kind person. I respect my elders and animals and anyone else that will show me equal kindness in return. Because of the way that I look, which I wouldn't change for the world because it is the way I choose to look, people ALWAYS judge me by my outward appearance.
(08-29-2010, 08:14 PM)Enchanted Girl Wrote: Now I am so used to being alone that if I could be extremely social, I don't think I would. I would probably feel suffocated by it, but that doesn't mean I want to be alone all the time either.
I am exhausted by constant socialization. When I have to put on a facade at work or in college for group projects, I just look forward to it being over. People would never guess from the way I look that I would love to just "live with the wolves."

(08-29-2010, 08:14 PM)Enchanted Girl Wrote: Although I think people will stop doing this as much as I get older. I'm still only 24 and a lot of people my age act like they are still teenagers or whatever. It's easier to make friends with older people honestly who are less immature and not obsessed with whether I wear the right clothes and whether or not I look like a nerd.
Yes. I am with you 100%. I always find interactions with older people more positive than with people my own age. It seems like all anyone cares about anymore is the "cool" factor. I also find it easier to relate to more independent people who haven't had the best backgrounds. The thing that annoys me most is that people always ask me "why do you always study" or "why don't you ever do anything social" and I say because if I don't get good grades fin aid won't keep me here, and because they've never had to work for anything in their lives or ever had to experience real loss or failure, they just don't understand.
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#72
I m not a loner, it's the others who don't want to deal with me ;-)
oh, interesting question.
Well, (l)only child, family was different from all the others in the neighborhood, too much culture and not many feelings, not really bullied t school except for a couple of nasty episodes, usually just left out from all activities.
I did have a couple of friends, "losers" like me, but at some point lost them too.
Terrible shocking situations at home, that made me almost speechless for years (from age 9 to 13), nobody to talk about it, and with so many strong feelings inside I just couldn't waste time to talk about everyday things.
Hopefully in high school I met other people like me, with all these feelings, and with them I wasn't shy. Looking back, I recognize I was quite spiteful for many years, and somehow I was looking down to "normal" people, talking about "normal" stuff. This attitude changed a lot over the years, and then I really wanted to relate with normal people (I mean, smart, interesting people who didn't share my need for immediate depth and "meaning of life" conversations), but I didn't know how, and, even if I see myself as more on the bright side, I would (I still) become stupid when talking to someone, because of all these paralyzing emotions (fear of judgement?).
After many years of training in improv theatre, public speech, emotional management, meditation, I can hide this fear most of the time, and only rarely have those ugly pauses in the conversation, that the other person usually fills in with the thought "what am I doing here, how do I get off the hook?".
Because of the fear, most human interactions, except those people that I consider "friends", require for me a huge amount of nervous energy, and often I have to be alone only to calm down and allow my body to recharge the batteries. Since maybe a year I forced myself out there more, and I see it's improving, it's just a matter of getting used to it and seeing that nothing terrible will happen, but still, I don't think I ll ever be at ease talking with people I don't really "connect" with.
In spite of training, I am still completely incapable of making the extra step and offering a common activity or just show my heart without putting most people off, because it's too much to handle. I don't "play it cool" enough.
So I see other people having meaningful relationships, and I meet them sometimes, but I can never be included in their life, and on the surface I have friends, but I always feel I am living a lie and that is not the kind of relationships I want :-( (like having somebody to come with me at first aid, or bring me cough syrup when I have the flu). (Ok, maybe a couple, but they always end up living in a different city).
And all my life I had the impression that you had to "win" people over and that nobody had ever good honest fulfilling relationships, but I don't want to believe that is true and will keep looking for people with an open heart with whom you don't have to keep appearances (I did meet a couple of them here and there).
Well, this is my experience, I wished I knew WHY that is. Hope that wasn't too long to read.
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#73
Don't really know. I guess, afraid of being rejected. I have this weird ... self-absorbed/self-conscious way of thinking that everyone is always paying attention to me, looking for good things that I do, looking for bad things that I do. I can't stand it, and I expect too much from people too. So I simply avoid it. I also avoid huge groups... and friends who are already really close together. It always feels like I'm trying to intrude if I join them, and I almost always get shunned aside in those cases. The people I do find the courage to talk to aren't very interested in me, though.
If all my friends were flowers, I'd pick you.
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