30 And Never Had A Girlfriend, Too Ugly?

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MysteriousTelephone

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So, this is a weird thing to post, as I really don't know what to do, but it's weighing me down and nobody seems to give any constructive help. I have tried posting on similar forums, but have had very little constructive help, mostly people don't seem to read this and understand the problems I am explaining.

Up top, I have no issues with shyness or anxiety, never had a problem talking to women or issues with confidence etc.

In short, I'm male, 30 years old, 5ft 10, 170lbs, I'm in reasonably athletic shape. I rent in a city, and am fully employed. In my spare time I enjoy a range of hobbies, such as; going to the gym, swing-dancing, photography, meeting friends, going to bars & clubs. I've also joined some social "meet-up" groups designed to help meet new people. All of that is great, I love the things that I do, and I make friends very easily from them. I honestly feel lucky to have curated such a wonderful bunch of people from different walks of life, a healthy mix of male and female, older and younger, married and single. I'm very social, my problem is that I cannot get a girlfriend, and it's becoming increasingly apparent to me that my looks are the issue.

Look, I know that "nobody's ugly!" and all the Hallmark card stuff, but at this point I cannot put it down to anything else. This is not some random theory I've come up with, I have been told this many times over the years. Honestly, I think I'm somewhere in the range of 'average', don't we all? Sadly, the single women of the world have a different opinion. I have been told many times that I'm ugly, and though I don't believe it, it does seem like the general consensus. Tinder is the obvious yardstick: women are shown a picture of me with no clue as to how what job I have, my confidence levels, my religion, my politics, literally nothing other than "is this person attractive?" and seeing as I've never had a match on there, the answer must be "no". Other people have said this either about me, or sometimes to me. I live in a big city, it is odd to never ever get a match. I take care in the photos I put up, it's not hard. I had a friend try to tell me that it must be something I'm saying wrong, and that he could get me date within a week using online dating. I took him up on his challenge, he could say whatever he wanted, just had to use photos of me. 2 months later with no dates, he gave up.

But of course, online is not the only way to meet people. Like I said, I do a range of activities that are very easy to meet a partner, and many do through these channels. I have known many single women actively looking for a man, but any suggestion I make of us getting to know each other better is quickly brushed aside. I will also get the "I'm not looking for a relationship" line from people, which is betrayed when they show up a few weeks later with an attractive person on their arm. I've even went speed dating, events where single women literally pay money to meet a man; at these events I've had really good times talking to people, felt relaxed, and walked away feeling good about myself. Then the next morning I find that out of 12 women, all of them ticked 'no' for me. Again, I can't see how it could be a confidence issue when I don't feel un-confident.

I'm having a hard time getting people to believe me. My friends certainly don't, as much as they give the cartoonishly supportive line of "something will come along soon, just you wait!", it would be more convincing if they hadn't been saying it since 2012. Thing is, they've all had a completely different lived experience. They're pretty people: they had their first relationships in their teens, then a couple of semi serious ones in their early 20s, then they got married with 2.4 kids and a Labrador. Whereas I'm 30 and never even had a Valentine's Day card. I feel very 'behind' everyone else. They literally do not understand the words I am saying when I tell them that women want nothing to do with me, because they've never had that experience. It makes me sad that as much as I do enjoy my life as it is, I'm getting the impression that... this is it; I will just work during the week, fill my evenings and weekends with hobbies and friends, and that's all my life will be until I die.

Statistically it's unheard of to make it to 30 without having a single relationship, I've never met anyone with that issue. I have had a couple of one-night-stands when I was in my early 20s, but I'm very aware they only happened with copious amounts of alcohol, in the sober light of day each person dropped me very quickly.

I don't know, but seemingly nobody else seems to. I don't know what I hoped to achieve writing this here, but I'm just out of ideas. I'm very sure many will skim-read this and come up with the usual "you just need to believe harder!" or "have you tried meeting new people?", to those who've read the whole thing and believe the words I'm saying, thank you.
 
At the risk of spamming this, no you are not an "anomaly." https://www.joe.ie/life-style/amount-men-30-not-sex-nearly-tripled-past-decade-663846

This is a lot more common than the media and people in general let on.

Whatever you do don't wait for someone to come along. Men can't do that anyway. They need to be proactive, walk that difficult line of making effort without looking desperate. Do whatever you need to to meet as many women as possible. I usually loathe the 'go abroad' advice but if you find people closed off and hostile maybe consider a working holiday. At 30 there's still some time.
 
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At the risk of spamming this, no you are not an "anomaly." https://www.joe.ie/life-style/amount-men-30-not-sex-nearly-tripled-past-decade-663846

This is a lot more common than the media and people in general let on.

Whatever you do don't wait for someone to come along. Men can't do that anyway, they need to be proactive, without looking desperate. Do whatever you need to to meet as many women as possible. I usually loathe the 'go abroad' advice but if you find people closed off and hostile maybe consider a working holiday. At 30 you are still young, there's still time.
You are not old either
 
Hey @MysteriousTelephone

I'm almost 57 and I have never had a girlfriend or even date that wasn't based on a direct financial transaction.
I'm too old and set in my ways to change now, but...

You're 30!!!
That's young!!!
You still have a great chance!
In fact, at 30 you are just coming into your your own in your career.
And you are doing all the right things with the gym and the socializing.
Maybe try changing things up.
Take up a cool hobby, like rock climbing, surfing/wind surfing, maybe MMA/Kickboxing. Girls love guys with cool hobbies
Also...have you tried volunteering for a charity once or twice a week like "meals on wheels" or the ASPCA or something?
You may meet some really nice, caring girls that way.
These are things I would try if I had a time machine.
Maybe make a New Year's resolution to try something different.
Good luck and Happy New Year.
You can do it!
 
It's more common than you might think. I'm 35 and haven't been on a date or even really had a platonic female friend. Unlike you, I'm also a virgin. I put it down to the fact I've always had a very small social circle with very few opportunities to meet new women, I'm not someone who'd feel comfortable just approaching women I don't know in order to "chat them up" and although I don't rate myself as downright ugly, I'm certainly not attractive enough for women to take an interest in me based on looks alone. All this combined has made me the romantically inexperienced man I am today. I don't consider it something to be ashamed of, it's just one of those unfortunate things. Good fortune isn't distributed evenly and I have had some good fortune in other aspects of my life, but not in terms of my romantic life. C'est La Vie. They say there's a reason for everything.
 
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In addition to all the things I mentioned above, it's probably also worth mentioning that I've had quite a few mental health issues over the years that have meant long periods of unemployment and social inactivity. Those things haven't exactly done me any favours in the romance department either.
 
So, this is a weird thing to post, as I really don't know what to do, but it's weighing me down and nobody seems to give any constructive help. I have tried posting on similar forums, but have had very little constructive help, mostly people don't seem to read this and understand the problems I am explaining.

Up top, I have no issues with shyness or anxiety, never had a problem talking to women or issues with confidence etc.

In short, I'm male, 30 years old, 5ft 10, 170lbs, I'm in reasonably athletic shape. I rent in a city, and am fully employed. In my spare time I enjoy a range of hobbies, such as; going to the gym, swing-dancing, photography, meeting friends, going to bars & clubs. I've also joined some social "meet-up" groups designed to help meet new people. All of that is great, I love the things that I do, and I make friends very easily from them. I honestly feel lucky to have curated such a wonderful bunch of people from different walks of life, a healthy mix of male and female, older and younger, married and single. I'm very social, my problem is that I cannot get a girlfriend, and it's becoming increasingly apparent to me that my looks are the issue.

Look, I know that "nobody's ugly!" and all the Hallmark card stuff, but at this point I cannot put it down to anything else. This is not some random theory I've come up with, I have been told this many times over the years. Honestly, I think I'm somewhere in the range of 'average', don't we all? Sadly, the single women of the world have a different opinion. I have been told many times that I'm ugly, and though I don't believe it, it does seem like the general consensus. Tinder is the obvious yardstick: women are shown a picture of me with no clue as to how what job I have, my confidence levels, my religion, my politics, literally nothing other than "is this person attractive?" and seeing as I've never had a match on there, the answer must be "no". Other people have said this either about me, or sometimes to me. I live in a big city, it is odd to never ever get a match. I take care in the photos I put up, it's not hard. I had a friend try to tell me that it must be something I'm saying wrong, and that he could get me date within a week using online dating. I took him up on his challenge, he could say whatever he wanted, just had to use photos of me. 2 months later with no dates, he gave up.

But of course, online is not the only way to meet people. Like I said, I do a range of activities that are very easy to meet a partner, and many do through these channels. I have known many single women actively looking for a man, but any suggestion I make of us getting to know each other better is quickly brushed aside. I will also get the "I'm not looking for a relationship" line from people, which is betrayed when they show up a few weeks later with an attractive person on their arm. I've even went speed dating, events where single women literally pay money to meet a man; at these events I've had really good times talking to people, felt relaxed, and walked away feeling good about myself. Then the next morning I find that out of 12 women, all of them ticked 'no' for me. Again, I can't see how it could be a confidence issue when I don't feel un-confident.

I'm having a hard time getting people to believe me. My friends certainly don't, as much as they give the cartoonishly supportive line of "something will come along soon, just you wait!", it would be more convincing if they hadn't been saying it since 2012. Thing is, they've all had a completely different lived experience. They're pretty people: they had their first relationships in their teens, then a couple of semi serious ones in their early 20s, then they got married with 2.4 kids and a Labrador. Whereas I'm 30 and never even had a Valentine's Day card. I feel very 'behind' everyone else. They literally do not understand the words I am saying when I tell them that women want nothing to do with me, because they've never had that experience. It makes me sad that as much as I do enjoy my life as it is, I'm getting the impression that... this is it; I will just work during the week, fill my evenings and weekends with hobbies and friends, and that's all my life will be until I die.

Statistically it's unheard of to make it to 30 without having a single relationship, I've never met anyone with that issue. I have had a couple of one-night-stands when I was in my early 20s, but I'm very aware they only happened with copious amounts of alcohol, in the sober light of day each person dropped me very quickly.

I don't know, but seemingly nobody else seems to. I don't know what I hoped to achieve writing this here, but I'm just out of ideas. I'm very sure many will skim-read this and come up with the usual "you just need to believe harder!" or "have you tried meeting new people?", to those who've read the whole thing and believe the words I'm saying, thank you.
Honestly I didn’t skim read this… it was interesting 😇 welcome to the forums.

My advice is… 🛬🛫🛬… go abroad, cant be ugly everywhere… genuinely people never believe me, but I was considered unattractive men didn’t even wanna date me … all I did was move cities and suddenly I became “that girl”, sometimes its location, location, location 😇
 
You enjoy swing-dancing 😍

and you can't find a girl who appreciates this? :unsure:
Sadly not! And you'd be surprised, women outnumber men on the swing scene, to the point where any viable male is typically snapped up very quickly. There are a handful of fairly old men who remain single, but for my age and ability it's an anomaly to not be wanted.

At the risk of spamming this, no you are not an "anomaly." https://www.joe.ie/life-style/amount-men-30-not-sex-nearly-tripled-past-decade-663846

This is a lot more common than the media and people in general let on.

Whatever you do don't wait for someone to come along. Men can't do that anyway. They need to be proactive, walk that difficult line of making effort without looking desperate. Do whatever you need to to meet as many women as possible. I usually loathe the 'go abroad' advice but if you find people closed off and hostile maybe consider a working holiday. At 30 there's still some time.
That's an interesting article. I suppose I'm talking mostly from a viewpoint of the people I have met and spoken to. I've always seen it as typical for people to have their first relationship about 14-17.

As far as waiting goes, I'm certainly being as proactive as I know how. Going abroad, it's been a few years but in my earlier 20s I did go abroad every year, and it was exactly as fruitless. You've got to think when there's shirtless hunks left right and centre, women were not clamouring for me. I had a fun time, though travel is certainly more expensive when you're on your own. I am hesitant to save the money for a week abroad, only to come back home and be in exactly the same position again.

Hey @MysteriousTelephone

I'm almost 57 and I have never had a girlfriend or even date that wasn't based on a direct financial transaction.
I'm too old and set in my ways to change now, but...

You're 30!!!
That's young!!!
You still have a great chance!
In fact, at 30 you are just coming into your your own in your career.
And you are doing all the right things with the gym and the socializing.
Maybe try changing things up.
Take up a cool hobby, like rock climbing, surfing/wind surfing, maybe MMA/Kickboxing. Girls love guys with cool hobbies
Also...have you tried volunteering for a charity once or twice a week like "meals on wheels" or the ASPCA or something?
You may meet some really nice, caring girls that way.
These are things I would try if I had a time machine.
Maybe make a New Year's resolution to try something different.
Good luck and Happy New Year.
You can do it!
Hey bud! You have my sympathies, whatever that means to you. I wish there was some way I could help, but I don't know your situation. I may be young-ish, but in my experience I definitely feel 'behind' when everyone had their first relationship in their teen years, I'm now in my thirties and still got nothing. I've done a bunch of hobbies over the years, I did kickboxing for a couple years, rock climbing only a few times. It's all good fun, but doesn't really do much to change the situation. I meet lovely, caring people all the time, but it makes little difference if they're not attracted to me physically.
It's more common than you might think. I'm 35 and haven't been on a date or even really had a platonic female friend. Unlike you, I'm also a virgin. I put it down to the fact I've always had a very small social circle with very few opportunities to meet new women, I'm not someone who'd feel comfortable just approaching women I don't know in order to "chat them up" and although I don't rate myself as downright ugly, I'm certainly not attractive enough for women to take an interest in me based on looks alone. All this combined has made me the romantically inexperienced man I am today. I don't consider it something to be ashamed of, it's just one of those unfortunate things. Good fortune isn't distributed evenly and I have had some good fortune in other aspects of my life, but not in terms of my romantic life. C'est La Vie. They say there's a reason for everything.
As with the previous poster, I do wish I can help, as I know your pain. Obviously it's easy for me to say "Do X, Y and Z", but absolutely expanding your social circle is a must. In my early 20s I worked on construction sites, and **** near everybody on site was married. I couldn't believe it. These are people who only work with other men, whose hobbies only extend as far as football and casual racism, yet all of them found wives. I'm not going to regurgitate what others have likely told you, but all I can say that if I was in your shoes, I would certainly try a "meet-up" group for your age range and local area, even with no romantic leads you can have some fun nights out on it. I ended up invited to a guy's birthday party where we all painted ourselves blue and dressed as Smurfs, it was pretty awesome!

Honestly I didn’t skim read this… it was interesting 😇 welcome to the forums.

My advice is… 🛬🛫🛬… go abroad, cant be ugly everywhere… genuinely people never believe me, but I was considered unattractive men didn’t even wanna date me … all I did was move cities and suddenly I became “that girl”, sometimes its location, location, location 😇
I can't tell if you're joking, but I'll have to take your word for it!

It's been a few years, but I did used to go abroad every year, and sadly I was ugly there too. Like I said, with an unlimited supply of hunks by the pool, the women had zero interest in me. I'm also hesitant to save up the money to go abroad this year (it's also frighteningly more expensive solo) only to come back home a week later to the same problems. I've also found as a male people think less of you for going alone, you get seen as a bit of a loser.
 
@MysteriousTelephone
Thanks for your honesty.
That is very valuable.
Have you tried the volunteer work, though?
Hard to explain, but a very good friend that I never met (f-ed up, right?) used to do that. He was a much better man than me.
I miss him and kick myself for not listening to him.
Give it a shot!

No sympathies necessary for me. I made my bed and I lie in it.
I am trying to help young guys your age to NOT HAVE TO LIE IN A SIMILAR BED!
PM me whenever you like.
I can go into more detail if that helps.
Take care & God bless.
 
Like looking in a mirror when i read this post. When i was in my early teens i was very shy of the women in my school year, but even if you approached them the school chavs would ask "why are you talking to them?" and it was so dense. So when i left school at 16 i took a break from education, then i went to college for 1 year. But i got struck down by insane anxiety, which had me in and out of hospital for countless weeks but it also turned me into a recluse so i didn't even go out unless it was in the car unless i was going to hospital/the GP. So i've never been able to meet a woman till recently and for a long time i actually thought i'd die alone, as i could never go out to meet women etc but even online i was king of the friend zone which got super tiring.

But my college group was a sausage fest and it had a few 'older' women who got moved to another group with the older men, as they couldn't keep the pace with the whippets lol. But i had 1 woman in my group and she wasn't my type in a thousand years. It actually annoyed me a lot because i thought "i'll start college and meet someone there" but nope it never happened. I was starting to get more confident during that year, but all the women who caught my eye ended up being in different groups around the college. And i had no valid reason to even approach them because my confident wasn't that high that i wanted to look stupid. I know that feeling about feeling behind and it's really shitty to feel that way tbh.
 
Like looking in a mirror when i read this post. When i was in my early teens i was very shy of the women in my school year, but even if you approached them the school chavs would ask "why are you talking to them?" and it was so dense. So when i left school at 16 i took a break from education, then i went to college for 1 year. But i got struck down by insane anxiety, which had me in and out of hospital for countless weeks but it also turned me into a recluse so i didn't even go out unless it was in the car unless i was going to hospital/the GP. So i've never been able to meet a woman till recently and for a long time i actually thought i'd die alone, as i could never go out to meet women etc but even online i was king of the friend zone which got super tiring.

But my college group was a sausage fest and it had a few 'older' women who got moved to another group with the older men, as they couldn't keep the pace with the whippets lol. But i had 1 woman in my group and she wasn't my type in a thousand years. It actually annoyed me a lot because i thought "i'll start college and meet someone there" but nope it never happened. I was starting to get more confident during that year, but all the women who caught my eye ended up being in different groups around the college. And i had no valid reason to even approach them because my confident wasn't that high that i wanted to look stupid. I know that feeling about feeling behind and it's really shitty to feel that way tbh.

"It just never happened" is sometimes the only possible explanation to give. Not that we need to explain ourselves to anyone.
 
Going abroad, it's been a few years but in my earlier 20s I did go abroad every year, and it was exactly as fruitless. You've got to think when there's shirtless hunks left right and centre, women were not clamouring for me. I had a fun time, though travel is certainly more expensive when you're on your own. I am hesitant to save the money for a week abroad, only to come back home and be in exactly the same position again.
A week's holiday isn't enough time to meet anyone. Was thinking more of a extended working holiday or a complete move to new city or country. But of course you know your own circumstances best and whether this is practical or not.

One other thing: Your friends should have at least tried to introduce you to women by now. I hate to say but there's a possibility they actually look down on you, which may also affect your dating chances, if you're perceived a certain way within the group.
 
@MysteriousTelephone
Thanks for your honesty.
That is very valuable.
Have you tried the volunteer work, though?
Hard to explain, but a very good friend that I never met (f-ed up, right?) used to do that. He was a much better man than me.
I miss him and kick myself for not listening to him.
Give it a shot!

No sympathies necessary for me. I made my bed and I lie in it.
I am trying to help young guys your age to NOT HAVE TO LIE IN A SIMILAR BED!
PM me whenever you like.
I can go into more detail if that helps.
Take care & God bless.
To be honest, I don't see the volunteering thing being a viable option for me. One aspect is time: between a regular 40hr work week, going to the gym 3-5 times a week, seeing friends, going to meet-up events, and having time for myself, my week is usually fairly busy. I believe adding an extra commitment would come at the detriment of something else. There is also the aspect that I would be volunteering purely for the reason of finding someone who finds me attractive, and that's not a very noble reason to do volunteering.
A week's holiday isn't enough time to meet anyone. Was thinking more of a extended working holiday or a complete move to new city or country. If you're having no luck where you are then there isn't much else.

Your friends should have at least tried to introduce you to women by now. I hate to say but there's a possibility they actually look down on you, which will also affect your dating chances if you're perceived a certain way within the group.
That's fair. Annoyingly for someone who couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons, I have formed quite a few attachments where I am, so I really can't see myself jetting off to Barbados on a whim. Giving up my rental place and putting all my possessions in storage, and having nothing to come back to, is an immediate red flag. As for working holidays, I hate to say it, they are often as reps for travel agencies, which is 100% a 'pretty person' job.
My friends have been as supportive as they are able to be, while still not believing the words I say when I tell them it's different when people see you as ugly. Unfortunately a lot of their friends are happily paired off in relationships, or looking for something else. A few years ago I did have a situation where a female friend tried to set me up, the other party was fairly on board at first, but when it got to the stage where she exchanged photos of us, the woman backed out.
 
"It just never happened" is sometimes the only possible explanation to give. Not that we need to explain ourselves to anyone.
In the real word people just laugh in our faces when we explain ourselves/circumstances it seems. So i've not done that in the public domain for a very long time now.
 
There is also the aspect that I would be volunteering purely for the reason of finding someone who finds me attractive, and that's not a very noble reason to do volunteering.
No, that's the rub.
You volunteer to help others and you feel like you are making a difference.
That is what my friend tried to instill upon me.
He was right.
I have to give it a try too...


And maybe, just maybe...you meet a girl who feels the same way...
 
I tried many ways to meet women when i felt better mentally and i got nowhere at all. That's just how the wind blew for me, but out of nowhere someone will appear and i hope that happens for you.
 
I can't tell if you're joking, but I'll have to take your word for it!

It's been a few years, but I did used to go abroad every year, and sadly I was ugly there too. Like I said, with an unlimited supply of hunks by the pool, the women had zero interest in me. I'm also hesitant to save up the money to go abroad this year (it's also frighteningly more expensive solo) only to come back home a week later to the same problems. I've also found as a male people think less of you for going alone, you get seen as a bit of a loser.

Awh deffo not joking, being so serious (for once) 😇

I wont lie though, I think with men... theres a certain attitude that comes after years of not being able to find someone, doesn't happen to women as our value just increases the less men are interested in us, but for men it seems like there is just this literal identical attitude, it's almost like a deep sense of "failure", I have never felt that, wont sit here and pretend I have... I have been rejected, I have been the girl people would ask out for a joke, and I have been that girl that guys would want a secret "thing" with, I still get shocked when a guy says he'll hold my hand in public, or he would be proud to be with me.

Hope you can just have a nice break away somewhere, even with mates, and find a hot someone, but if not, at least you had a break, and you'll be ready to ... try again? :)
 
In the real word people just laugh in our faces when we explain ourselves/circumstances it seems. So i've not done that in the public domain for a very long time now.

I'm sorry you've had that experiece. Just goes to show how horribly judgemental society can be with these kinds of issues. I've never really told anyone about my situation (other than on forums such as this one), because as far as I'm concerned, it's nobody's concern apart from mine.
 
I'd be curious to see the photos you used on Tinder. Seems odd that you wouldn't get any matches if you're not overweight.

Have you tried the premium version to see if some women have at least swiped right on you?

I've got a thread in the miscellaneous section where I've documented how I turned my dating life around after having almost no success when I was younger. Could be worth a read.
 

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