G
Guest
Guest
I was born 25 years ago, I grew up in an asian family, immigrated to Canada when I was young, I lost all my friends when I had to move, it felt like I had to start all over learning a completely new language and culture, and having to act like a new person.
Elementary school was fun, even though my english were pretty bad back then, I was bullied the first day of school, it was ok, we were just kids, it was tough making friends, but I made it, it was just as simple as "Can I join?" and we played together and I made new friends, but it was just as easy that our relationships broke from a simple graduation and new school, but we were just kids.
During highschool, I met a few friends who I also lost because they thought I was 'different', they ridiculed me infront of everyone else because they wanted to be cool, but it's ok, we were just kids right?
Somehow I lost all my motivation, to continue school, I suddenly stopped caring about my future, I developed social phobias, I couldn't sleep, breath or stop my heart from pounding from just thinking about going to school or actually being in the crowd, everyday I'd just run away and shut myself in the library or in home.
No one knew what was going on to me, I started arguing with my family, I ran away alone one day but I was found and returned home, I just wanted to be alone, I just wanted to run away, I just wanted to be found dead in the freezing cold.
I keep repeating that every year, skipping classes everyday until I eventually was kicked out. That was it I thought, maybe I really could deal with this myself and I got into college as a mature student, I studied computer graphics, everything was easy for me thanks to my interests on computers, but at the same time I learned literally nothing. I can't tell if that was a great school or not, I got good marks compared to those I got in highschool, but marks had nothing to do with my ability and selfworth.
I was 21 when I graduated, I didn't know what to do after I graduated, I did some freelance here and there, but my self confident keep going down and down, because I'm just not creative in art and graphics, I don't even know what interests I have anymore actually, I remember the only thing I liked was drawing, I like to draw because it take my mind off things, but I couldn't do anything with it, I sucked and I can't do that as my career, I'm too scared to even try and improve, because it's too time consuming and I have no talents and it's useless to try.
I did some freelance work, but I was just helping, I have no actual skills in actually accepting work and be able to deal with clients, afterall I have social phobias, and my designs suck.
But here I am, went into a big history of myself, justifying my actions, self pitying myself.
I couldn't financially support myself to live and die alone, so I was forced to move and live with my family atm, in a land somewhere in asia, I can't write their language, I have no friends here, and i don't know what to do with myself, I can't design, I can't even concentrate infact, I can't talk like a normal human being, I can't focus, I can't communicate, everything is a blur, I want to learn, but my brain hasn't been working for the last so many years, I feel like a robot trying to memorize a bunch of junk inorder to make myself worthwhile, but I feel like I have no soul, I'm empty, I'm lonely, no one knows me, I can't talk to anyone because no one would look into my soul and see me as that, I'm not myself.
I don't feel like I'm living, I'm alive because I'm leeching off my family, I really want to leave and die alone, but I just can't.
I can't have anyone understand me, I don't want to live in this world anymore, I lost all my interests and everything I thought I can do when I was young.
I'm sorry but I just feel really lonely, I'm getting too old and I can't even think right.
Elementary school was fun, even though my english were pretty bad back then, I was bullied the first day of school, it was ok, we were just kids, it was tough making friends, but I made it, it was just as simple as "Can I join?" and we played together and I made new friends, but it was just as easy that our relationships broke from a simple graduation and new school, but we were just kids.
During highschool, I met a few friends who I also lost because they thought I was 'different', they ridiculed me infront of everyone else because they wanted to be cool, but it's ok, we were just kids right?
Somehow I lost all my motivation, to continue school, I suddenly stopped caring about my future, I developed social phobias, I couldn't sleep, breath or stop my heart from pounding from just thinking about going to school or actually being in the crowd, everyday I'd just run away and shut myself in the library or in home.
No one knew what was going on to me, I started arguing with my family, I ran away alone one day but I was found and returned home, I just wanted to be alone, I just wanted to run away, I just wanted to be found dead in the freezing cold.
I keep repeating that every year, skipping classes everyday until I eventually was kicked out. That was it I thought, maybe I really could deal with this myself and I got into college as a mature student, I studied computer graphics, everything was easy for me thanks to my interests on computers, but at the same time I learned literally nothing. I can't tell if that was a great school or not, I got good marks compared to those I got in highschool, but marks had nothing to do with my ability and selfworth.
I was 21 when I graduated, I didn't know what to do after I graduated, I did some freelance here and there, but my self confident keep going down and down, because I'm just not creative in art and graphics, I don't even know what interests I have anymore actually, I remember the only thing I liked was drawing, I like to draw because it take my mind off things, but I couldn't do anything with it, I sucked and I can't do that as my career, I'm too scared to even try and improve, because it's too time consuming and I have no talents and it's useless to try.
I did some freelance work, but I was just helping, I have no actual skills in actually accepting work and be able to deal with clients, afterall I have social phobias, and my designs suck.
But here I am, went into a big history of myself, justifying my actions, self pitying myself.
I couldn't financially support myself to live and die alone, so I was forced to move and live with my family atm, in a land somewhere in asia, I can't write their language, I have no friends here, and i don't know what to do with myself, I can't design, I can't even concentrate infact, I can't talk like a normal human being, I can't focus, I can't communicate, everything is a blur, I want to learn, but my brain hasn't been working for the last so many years, I feel like a robot trying to memorize a bunch of junk inorder to make myself worthwhile, but I feel like I have no soul, I'm empty, I'm lonely, no one knows me, I can't talk to anyone because no one would look into my soul and see me as that, I'm not myself.
I don't feel like I'm living, I'm alive because I'm leeching off my family, I really want to leave and die alone, but I just can't.
I can't have anyone understand me, I don't want to live in this world anymore, I lost all my interests and everything I thought I can do when I was young.
I'm sorry but I just feel really lonely, I'm getting too old and I can't even think right.
