Accepting romance will never be a part of your life

[Xpendable]

I wish it was the 70'.

 

[Paraiyar]

I wish it was the 70'.

Why is that? Not saying that it might not be better, just wanting to know your particular reasons.

 

[Xpendable]

Why is that? Not saying that it might not be better, just wanting to know your particular reasons.

Less drama and seems like socialization was easier. Don't know, people from that time I know wouldn't have the same success socially in today's vane chaos we call the 2010'. Like my father, for example, I know how much of his awkwardness got into me but still, here I am. Me (and I) were extremely lucky that my mom existed. I'm pretty sure in this day and age that relationship wouldn't have taken place.

 

[BayouWoman]

I think in the 70's people were more free in that we were all more innocent, no internet, no boogeymen, no barbie blondes with big boobs and loads of plastic surgery to live up to.

I remember taking my girls to soccer and thinking how it was so hard for them to socialize, kids can't just go out and play in the neighborhood anymore. So, we parents set up these structured activities and none of the kids socialize at them either.

School is not socialization it is a nightmare environment that is nothing like the real world.

But then there are more opportunities too, many ways to expand your horizons that didn't exist in the 70's.

I think too we have become a throw away society, everything is disposable, including relationships, commitment is hard to find.

I guess my points in the above posts were to take the risks, don't assume rejection, if you get a no, well at least you tried. Don't take it to heart, it just wasn't meant to be, no fault of anyone. You might get surprised with a yes!

And, maybe look differently, physical attraction will not make a relationship, look for people you have things in common with, try being friends first.

And, even if you get a lot of "no's" it probably means you need to rethink your "intended targets" rather than assume there is something intrinsically wrong with you.

Sometimes too, I think you have to go through a time of wanting to be in a relationship and it not happening to be able to appreciate the relationship you do finally end up in.

Give it time, don't give up, it will happen. There is someone special for everyone.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

I wish I could rep you, BayouWoman. A million times over.

 

[BayouWoman]

Sorry Amythe, I am not sure what you mean?

 

[Xpendable]

No one has things in common with me.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

Sorry Amythe, I am not sure what you mean?

I would give you lots of cookies for your wisdom

 

[ardour]

BayouWoman, if you were a child/adolescent in the '70s then you're also speaking from the mindset of that generation.

I've said if before but there's a certain SJW attitude out there seeping into the mainstream that implies, amongst other things, that if a man asks a woman out and she isn't interested, he has violated a boundary by making her uncomfortable (regardless of context or how he asks). Combine that with shallow culture where the better looking of either gender can get away with behaving any way they like, where your character is judged by your appearance.

The 'no's' come with a hefty dose of social admonishment if you're a guy and not so attractive.

 

[BayouWoman]

Thanks Amythe!

Ardour, I know what you mean about now being different times..I have two daughters in their twenties and a son who is 16. I try to understand and while it is different and much harder for all of you "youngsters", I still think that it is not impossible to overcome.

And you live in a different country too, so I am not sure how it is there either.

I don't understand first of all what is SJW? I don't understand how if a man asks a woman out he is violating a boundary? How else is he suppose to know? Why shouldn't she feel anything but flattered, even if she has to or wants to turn him down? And while I think better looking may have it easier to some extent I do believe there are girls out there who really wouldn't care what a guy looks like as long as he is a man of character. Girls have their problems too, they all feel like they should weigh like 90 lbs and have long lustrous blonde hair and DD boobs and never look a day over 21. But I also think the people that should matter are the ones who don't get into labels or stereotypes. The girls you are describing seem to be pretty shallow themselves. Maybe look for girls with more substance? Most of the time good looking only has good looking going for them and I've got a newsflash here, looks fade!!!!

And, I do understand a "no" can be rather embarrassing, but really it is more something with the girls and not you. Don't take it so personally, after all, she doesn't know you very well so don't let her judgement of you rule your life.

For instance most people who feel they are not so attractive, actually are not as bad as they think. And most of the time, like 99%, the reason why someone doesn't like you has more to do with them than you.

And if a girl ridicules you and tries to embarrass you for just asking her out then she is nothing more than a bully no matter how she may otherwise look or seem and you are hanging out with the wrong crowd!

I know rude behavior seems to be what gets all the kudos these days, and in America rap and the violent gang lifestyle seems to rule. But that doesn't mean you have to buy into that. You can do better, you can be a better person and maybe others will follow suit. And if not, at least you can look yourself in the mirror every morning and be proud of who you are. And wait the tide out, someone with better character will come along and those other girls will look shallow, immature and stupid in comparison.

BTW I love libraries, love the smell and the anticipation of all those books. Love to read! What do you do there?

 

[BayouWoman]

One more thing Thought maybe this would help.

I met my second husband when he was 34. His experiences were very much how you all describe and when we met I was his first serious relationship. I was glad all those other girls had been so stupid and he was now mine!!! He was the love of my life. We were married for 18 years and every year was better than the one before. It would have been a forever thing but he passed away.

You are young, you still have time.

 

[EmilyFoxSeaton]

I don't understand how if a man asks a woman out he is violating a boundary? How else is he suppose to know? Why shouldn't she feel anything but flattered, even if she has to or wants to turn him down?

While today I do think things have gone too far, I can see this only because some crazy guys have lost all ability to be normal. Personally I find this in a lot of illegal immigrants. Thus asking someone out in a situation where it is inappropriate can set a woman on edge wondering if she is going to have a problem. I think this leads to the attitude. Guys can't understand how many times before he asked them out that they have crazy dangerous nuts start harassing them with an "innocent question".

 

[ThatZealousOne]

I think Bayouwoman makes some really good points. I would say, yeah, if I could give her a cookie for her thoughts I would. Heh.

I dunno, just seems like most days it's impossible to attract interest, or find someone who might, or one has to settle for a lot less if they want a relationship. I would agree with the whole throwaway culture thing though. Seems like all the decent people are all alone, and all the idiots who... may be idiots, but at least they have someone. It's hard to have hope and even feel like it's a possibility.

Guess the myth of 'nice guys finish last' isn't a myth after all. At least, that's what I find.

 

[blackdot]

And, maybe look differently, physical attraction will not make a relationship, look for people you have things in common with, try being friends first.

One time when I was at work, I had a guy that was annoyed that I had no way of finding anyone to date so he went around and grabbed random women and dragged them to my desk. He then proceeded to tell them that I had never slept with anyone and for them to tell me what it is I need to look for in a woman. Everyone one of them told me that I need to find a woman that I have nothing in common with and I always fight with. Ironically every one of the women had been divorced at least once.

Sometimes too, I think you have to go through a time of wanting to be in a relationship and it not happening to be able to appreciate the relationship you do finally end up in.

I would think that 42 years would be long enough for me to appreciate the relationship I'll not find. *laughs*

Give it time, don't give up, it will happen. There is someone special for everyone.

Unfortunately, there is not someone for everyone. That or they killed themselves many years ago. (In my case, that would be the case.)

 

[blackdot]

Guess the myth of 'nice guys finish last' isn't a myth after all. At least, that's what I find.

I've found that nice guys just never get to finish.
I've unfortunately been told by multiple women that I am too nice to date. One pointed out to me after a date that when she told me she didn't want to date me because I was nice, it wasn't just the normal excuse women give men. It was because I was actually nice and she is used to men that are more mean and abusive.
I've had multiple coworkers get into discussions with me about why I don't date. In the end, they come to the conclusion that I am nice which is my problem. I need to be more argumentative and self centered.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Guess the myth of 'nice guys finish last' isn't a myth after all. At least, that's what I find.

I've found that nice guys just never get to finish.
I've unfortunately been told by multiple women that I am too nice to date. One pointed out to me after a date that when she told me she didn't want to date me because I was nice, it wasn't just the normal excuse women give men. It was because I was actually nice and she is used to men that are more mean and abusive.
I've had multiple coworkers get into discussions with me about why I don't date. In the end, they come to the conclusion that I am nice which is my problem. I need to be more argumentative and self centered.

I would love a nice guy. Not a pushover, mind you, but a well rounded NICE guy. I've had my share of abuse and all that honeysuckle and honestly, that's a small part of the reason I don't date. I don't want to deal with the possibility that I might have that again, because the guy I married wasn't like that when I met him, he turned into that when he developed an alcohol problem.

So yeah, nice guys CAN finish and they do. They just need to find the right girl, just like every other person, nice or not. All the "bad boys" might get girls, but how many of them have lasting relationships? A lot of them are the "fresia em and dump em" variety.

And yes, there IS someone for everyone. There are way too many people in this world for there not to be.

 

[TheSkaFish]

OK after a couple of tries I think I can get my thoughts out right.

I really relate to a lot of what the OP is saying. I also had a hard time making friends growing up, because everyone around me was so competitive and nasty and was all about the social hierarchy and dominance games. There weren't a lot of like-minded people around that just wanted to have fun without causing a conflict of some kind, and there weren't many people around who were interested in the same things as me (toys, games, books, sci fi and fantasy). I just wanted to get along with everyone and get through the day as easily as possible. I wanted to simply follow my interests in peace.

I too feel like I've been overlooked or cast aside a lot. There aren't a lot of people who share my tastes and interests. I made lasting friends a lot later than most people did, and I was lucky to eventually get the friends I have.

I am now realizing that because my confidence was wounded early, not even given a chance to grow really, I find myself far behind my peers. This of course creates problems in the dating world, which as we all know is very competitive. Like I was saying on another thread, I wonder how much of an effect this has had on my confidence today. I wonder if being conditioned to believe I was a low-status person during my school years is causing me to still act in an unattractive manner, which is causing me to blow opportunities for relationships with girls I would have been very happy to be with.

I haven't accepted that romance will never be a part of my life, but I do feel that it would take a lot of work and a lot of luck for it to happen for me.

 

[BayouWoman]

I don't know how you guys do that "BayouWoman wrote thing???

Anyway EmilyFoxSeaton: I am not talking about people who play games or people who are inappropriate. Inappropriate people will set off alarm bells and then need to be given a firm "NO" that cannot be misunderstood. Then, they aren't being nice therefore you needn't be. I think one time of "firmness" can be pretty clear at getting the point across. Then if it continues that becomes an abusive situation where he will not take no for an answer and steps along those lines then need to be taken.

I was just talking about a normal guy who is interested in a normal girl, most girls appreciate no lines, no BS and just a straightforwardness in interest. Am I correct?

I think we all know how dangerous life has become and how careful we need to be. If you are a guy interested in a girl take this into consideration. If you put her in a vulnerable situation she is going to feel threatened and lash out. Mind your manners, so to speak....

to ThatZealousOne: Thanks for the cookies!

I don't think you need to attract interest, I think you need to find interest and then you will become an interesting person and will attract people who are interested in you. If you are having trouble finding girls who interest you then look at your life and see what you could add or subtract or change to create more opportunity.

If you are settling for less, then you are compromising yourself and your ideals and standards and therefore you won't feel good about yourself and the relationship won't work out. You are far better off alone than settling. I don't understand the desperation that would drive someone to be in a situation like that.... and if you are with someone who isn't really "it" for you then you are shortchanging both of you. I woldn't really call that a relationship.

Sometimes the decent people are alone awhile, that is true, but if you watch the idiots they will soon self destruct.

Sometimes the nice guys do feel like they finish last, but life is not a race, and usually the ones who feel like a lot of you seem to are the ones that end up in permanent lifelong realtionships while their friends around them self destruct. I know it may seem hopeless, but hang in there, it really isn't.

to blackdot: the guy who did that to you with the random women was abusive and an idiot. Maybe you need to look at ways to fill your life with more women meeting opportunities?

What happened, who killed themselves? Do you wish to share? You seem more heartbroken than anything else.

and, I think that while someone you loved immensely may have died, I think if you wish to be in a relationship you can find one, and no, I don't think 42 is too old. I am 55 and I don't think that is too old, I'm just having too much fun on my own right now, that may or may not change. Haven't you all heard stories of people in their 80s and 90s getting married and finding true love at last???

and your next post blackdot: I think that is ridiculous and a clue you may be "picking" the wrong women. I know many gals who lament that there are no nice guys out there!!!

and to therealcallie: I agree with you totally. And did all you guys hear what she said about a WELL ROUNDED nice guy. The best thing you can do is create a fun and interesting life for yourself and usually someone to share it with follows.

to theskafish: I wish I could tell everyone, throw out everything that happen(s) (ed) to you in high school, school is this unrealistic nightmare environment in which all the monsters come crawling out of the woodwork and eat decent people!!! Don't let some idiot back then affect who you are now!

and then I would say develop some new interests. Create new opportunities to meet nicer and more healthy women and people who have interests in common with yours.

and, it doesn't take long for girls to outgrow the stupid shallow cool guys and hope for someone nice. Don't try so hard, a relationship isn't something to disect under a microscope and most of those books belong in the trash. I don't think the best love starts with a spark, I think it grows.

and, you won't have power over your life until you take it.

I know that my views and advice are just mine from my experiences, and I hope you all know that I am just trying to help.

I think times are harder now in this, the internet, the whole online instead of face to face interaction and I think that is the hardest to overcome. If you are out with someone, for pete's sake don't spend the time on your phone with someone who isn't even there.

Create opportunities to be out and meet people, there are tons of volunteer and community service groups out there. Join a church, a book club, a winetasting club, whatever, be out and socialize and round out your lives and create opportunites for well rounded people to enter.

 

[EmilyFoxSeaton]

Anyway EmilyFoxSeaton: I am not talking about people who play games or people who are inappropriate. Inappropriate people will set off alarm bells and then need to be given a firm "NO" that cannot be misunderstood. Then, they aren't being nice therefore you needn't be. I think one time of "firmness" can be pretty clear at getting the point across. Then if it continues that becomes an abusive situation where he will not take no for an answer and steps along those lines then need to be taken.

But I am saying more toward ardour that after 25 inappropriate people approach you and make pest of themselves when 26 comes along who is a normal person he says "hello" and you scream "get the hell away from me you stupid freak", not that I have done that, and maybe that is what people are feeling and makes things so hard for everyone. Thanks for asking guys to take this into consideration. I do think guys just really can't fathom how dangerous a world things *can* be for women.

Maybe it is where I am in life but it doesn't seem like they are any options. The vast majority of guys I know are married. Many are gay AND married. I get a lot of interest from younger guys but I always feel like a child molester if we move into flirting (though I am working on it). But as I have said, I just really do feel ok with it.

I guess I do feel like from a young age I just knew it wasn't going to happen for me. How did I know... don't know. Just little things like people ignoring me... or friends who were commonly considered not to be as good looking as me like getting the guys. Plus I do think some life events conspired to make much of my "productive" dating years not be able to be used for them.

 

[BayouWoman]

So Emily, what happened in your younger years that conspired to not letting you be able to date? If you don't mind my asking...and how old are you now?

I see what you are saying now, but then again it is like my point to the guys, it could be that you were just #26 - don't take it so personally.

I feel okay with being alone right now too, I am kind of enjoying the freedom of it. I have no one to answer to but myself and I can do anything I want!!!

It is sad that you don't feel there are any options for you. I bet there are some and you are just not seeing them. I am surprised that your gay male friends aren't matchmaking. Seems like my gay male friends are always trying to set me up with some straight lonely friend they know...

Perhaps you just appeal to younger people. I'm not sure how much younger you are talking about. But sometimes love goes across boundaries. Sure when you are twenty you can't date someone who is twelve without getting yourself into trouble. But no one would bat an eyelash at someone who is 28 dating someone who is twenty, see what I mean? I have a friend who is 52 and her boyfriend is 67. They laugh about how if they were younger he would have been changing her diapers. Personally, I don't find that too funny and I think the age gap is too wide for me, but I can't fault anything that brings more love into this world.