Accepting romance will never be a part of your life

[ardour]

Bayouwoman – SJW: Social Justice Warrior. It’s a mildly derogatory term for twitter/Tublr feminists.

There are many valid points in-amongst the rhetoric of course. They are, however, notorious for being overzealous and generally obnoxious.

 

[BayouWoman]

Bayouwoman – SJW: Social Justice Warrior. It’s a mildly derogatory term for twitter/Tublr feminists.

There are many valid points in-amongst the rhetoric of course. They are, however, notorious for being overzealous and generally obnoxious.

Thanks ardour!

There are exremely militant feminists and even as a feminist myself I find them obnoxious as well, so I know what you mean.

I just don't hang around people like that, why do you?

I think one of the advantages of the 70s over now is that we were just beginning the computing era. We knew how life was before it. So we controlled it better.

Now you have all grown up with it and you don't know life without it and take it sort of for granted, in that you don't balance your life out (I am speaking in generalities here and not about one particular person). And as a result I feel, a lot of people let technology control them instead of controlling the technology.

For instance, it amazes me how much rude behavior is now acceptable because of cell phones. When you are with a live person, the live person should take precedence. Instead I see people all the time out to dinner yet on their phones and not interacting with each other, and I could go on and on here....

The result of this, I feel, is that online is not real, it is some fantasy where everyone is into drama and they put their lives in the best of light, let's say by exaggerating. Then others come along and feel they can never live up to this fantasy and feel let down, like they are somehow less...

And, we don't know how to relate without fences, be it texting during dinner or being on your phone when you are in a room full of people. Telling all your "friends" on facebook or twitter about your life instead of interacting with real people. Not even realizing that most of those "friends" wouldn't know the meaning of the word. So then people who shouldn't matter, like some bozo online who doesn't really know you, crushes your heart. And people online have become so nasty and catty that we are beginning to not even recognize abusive behavior and bullying and calling it for what it is, we is just put up with it for some reason, as if that is how it is suppose to be - are you kidding me?

And, when you do have face-to-face interaction with no fences you don't know what to do. It is like being a spectator and then being pushed into participating. So you grab your phone and hide behind it.

Unplug now and then, go for a walk around the neighborhood and say hi to your neighbors. Don't take your phone to the next social event. Try life unhooked and unplugged some and see if that doesn't bring more balance into your life and improve your ability to socialize.

But then again, at the next social event you will probably be the only one without a phone and there will be no one to interact with, so observe how much non-interaction really takes place. I think it will be an eye opener.

 

[GrayAndLonesome]

This is a nice thread that the OP has posted.

For me, I am still fighting on, hoping to find a girl of my dream one day. However, I have been dating on and off where my relationships have only lasted two weeks to a month. The longest relationship I have had was for only six months, platonic, shitty relationship where the girl was basically using me, and had no attraction for me. That girl was also mediocre looking, but me being dateless for a while at that time, I couldn't be a choosy beggar.

I also used a match-making agency two years ago and spent around $1000.00, to have them pair me up with various women. Many of them were women from East Asia (because I'm Taiwanese/ Korean) where I mostly ended up breaking up with them after driving them around town, being a freaking "tour guide" for them. When I complained to the match-making agency, they would usually pull a dirty sh-t trick on me, call the girl up, and have her break up with me.

I am really really pissed off with life, and how things are going for me in terms of dating and finding the special one. I have also been to churches in my area to find a single lady. No luck at all. Most of the people in the young adult group are already married and have kids.
There is this young girl who recently moved to the area too, single, but looks very dorky with her glasses. I doubt she likes me, as she tends to avoid me, and only talk to the other girls in the young adult group. I have basically been "church shopping" for the last six weeks in my area.

I am wondering if God has abandoned me, because every freaking relationship I have had was a f--king failure! >(

If you guys have read my thread about my failure today, you can reason why I'm really pissed off with life.

 

[ThatZealousOne]

to ThatZealousOne: Thanks for the cookies!

I don't think you need to attract interest, I think you need to find interest and then you will become an interesting person and will attract people who are interested in you. If you are having trouble finding girls who interest you then look at your life and see what you could add or subtract or change to create more opportunity.

If you are settling for less, then you are compromising yourself and your ideals and standards and therefore you won't feel good about yourself and the relationship won't work out. You are far better off alone than settling. I don't understand the desperation that would drive someone to be in a situation like that.... and if you are with someone who isn't really "it" for you then you are shortchanging both of you. I woldn't really call that a relationship.

Sometimes the decent people are alone awhile, that is true, but if you watch the idiots they will soon self destruct.

Sometimes the nice guys do feel like they finish last, but life is not a race, and usually the ones who feel like a lot of you seem to are the ones that end up in permanent lifelong realtionships while their friends around them self destruct. I know it may seem hopeless, but hang in there, it really isn't.

Not a problem. Hehe. Your long and thought-out posts warrant them I think.

Still, I don't know. People say I'm nice to talk to and I'm interesting enough. I can keep a conversation going and talk about a lot of things. Nobody seems to be interested in getting to know me past being friends I suppose. Never have been. And as far as settling goes, well, I haven't had the opportunity to settle for anything. Though I would be happy to go for whatever really. As long as it meant I wasn't alone. Heh. I don't really believe I would be better off by myself. I've never been happy with myself and I doubt I ever will be. I want another person with me to support me, and to give me someone to support. Heh. If that makes sense.

Ahh well, as for creating opportunity. I'm not in the best position to do that right now. I have a year left in university, then I will really start to focus on relationships. Just sucks in the meantime, especially as everyone was like 'oh, university will be your time' and all that crap. Which it hasn't been. But hey, whatever.

As for finishing last? Well, I don't want to finish last. I want to finish while I still have my youth, don't want to waste time and all that.

Sorry about being negative. I respect your views, I can feel you speak from wisdom. I just feel you're wrong on this. I am a fairly interesting person, and I try to be sociable. Just, nobody is ever interested for some reason.

 

[BayouWoman]

GrayandLonesome,

I think that your 20's are a hard time, for you are finding yourself at that age. Take the time to do that. I know you feel like life is passing you by but until you figure out who you are and what you want you can go no farther successfully. I think you have to be happy with your life and you before you can be happy with your life and someone else.

You say most relationships last 2 weeks to a month and then what happens? I think by judging a girl by her looks "mediocre" and you as a "beggar" sets the whole thing up for failure.

Matchmaking agencies, dating sites, speed dating, is all a bunch of BS of which in rarity does a successful relationship happen, quit wasting your time!!!!

I think that being pissed off with life shows in your attitude and that is not going to attract women.

And frankly, I don't know what to think of the dorky girl comments, do you think a girl whom you think is dorky is going to be interested in you?

I don't know what your belief in God is, but you mention it and church, perhaps God is trying to lead you in a different direction for a time? Perhpas he is trying to get you to see something that is creating these failures? God will never abandon, so perhaps you are not seeing the answers?

I want you to know that I do not mean to offend you or anyone else. This is only my advice and you are free to take it or leave it. We are all adults here.


ThatZealousOne,

Do you let people know that you are interested in going past being friends? And how do they react? Do you even have an idea of the type of partner you wish to have? Not lookswise - looks don't count and are not sustaining..as in moral, standards, interests to share etc.

I don't know how to put this, let me try, I don't think people are better off by themselves and I don't think we were meant to be alone. But I also think we have to know who we are and be happy with who we are before we can find a mate. Becoming who we are meant to be and creating a life we were meant to live helps define and attract the person we wish to share it with. Does that make sense?

I think if you are not okay with yourself then you won't be okay with yourself in a relationship and that will set the relationship up for failure - is it more understandable that way?

I don't know what your life is like. And I say I agree, I wouldn't even begin to worry about a relationship until you have finished university and have started and situated your own life.

I heard all that too, about the "your time" thing, be it high school or college. I first married at 18 and it ended in failure. We were too young and the relationship changed too much as we grew and became the people we were. We became different people and ones who didn't much like each other. With my second husband I used to lament this lost time and wish we had spent it together and he would make two points: if we hadn't gone through what we had gone through we probably would have never met and if we had met ten years previously we probably would not have liked each other. And, he was probably correct on both counts.

In college, I know this is hard to believe, but you will be more successful just focusing on your career and getting yourself settled in life and THEN worrying about a mate to share it with. Wait and see, most of the people you envy in relationships now you will be relieved you didn't follow later.

I didn't feel real young in my twenties either so I know where you are coming from, but you still have plenty of time. And it will probably be better for the waiting.

I don't think you are being negative, I think you are being real, and I can respect that.

Last thought, what would be some of the reasons no one is interested in you?? If you were trying to date you, what would you think?

 

[Nice But Dim Jim]

I've always found romance comes when you least expect it. Don't go out of your way to find it because if you do, you'll have to force it and forced romance never ends well. Just do what you do and you'll soon find someone who you enjoy and enjoys you.

 

[EmilyFoxSeaton]

I've always found romance comes when you least expect it. Don't go out of your way to find it because if you do, you'll have to force it and forced romance never ends well. Just do what you do and you'll soon find someone who you enjoy and enjoys you.

Well just as a counter point... I don't want to give false hope because I am 48 and that hasn't happened. People may enjoy me and I think they do, but only as friends and non close person. People told me, love would come for me, and it didn't. It could come now... but kind of who cares. Too old.

Nobody seems to be interested in getting to know me past being friends I suppose. Never have been.

This. I think it is really quite odd. And heck, it would be progress if I got hit on by a gay person or a married person or anyone who was not skanky and dangerous. But no... no one is ever interested in past friends. Though I have a lot of people who like me as friends and am quite well regarded.

I was sick when I was a teenager but got better around 20.

because every freaking relationship I have had was a f--king failure!

Maybe some people just are not meant for a relationship. It kind of annoys me that society has made this like some false thing that we all have to have and can ruin your life. Enough. I refuse to ring my hands over it anymore. Time to start living my life for me.

 

[ThatZealousOne]

ThatZealousOne,

Do you let people know that you are interested in going past being friends? And how do they react? Do you even have an idea of the type of partner you wish to have? Not lookswise - looks don't count and are not sustaining..as in moral, standards, interests to share etc.

I don't know how to put this, let me try, I don't think people are better off by themselves and I don't think we were meant to be alone. But I also think we have to know who we are and be happy with who we are before we can find a mate. Becoming who we are meant to be and creating a life we were meant to live helps define and attract the person we wish to share it with. Does that make sense?

I think if you are not okay with yourself then you won't be okay with yourself in a relationship and that will set the relationship up for failure - is it more understandable that way?

I don't know what your life is like. And I say I agree, I wouldn't even begin to worry about a relationship until you have finished university and have started and situated your own life.

I heard all that too, about the "your time" thing, be it high school or college. I first married at 18 and it ended in failure. We were too young and the relationship changed too much as we grew and became the people we were. We became different people and ones who didn't much like each other. With my second husband I used to lament this lost time and wish we had spent it together and he would make two points: if we hadn't gone through what we had gone through we probably would have never met and if we had met ten years previously we probably would not have liked each other. And, he was probably correct on both counts.

In college, I know this is hard to believe, but you will be more successful just focusing on your career and getting yourself settled in life and THEN worrying about a mate to share it with. Wait and see, most of the people you envy in relationships now you will be relieved you didn't follow later.

I didn't feel real young in my twenties either so I know where you are coming from, but you still have plenty of time. And it will probably be better for the waiting.

I don't think you are being negative, I think you are being real, and I can respect that.

Last thought, what would be some of the reasons no one is interested in you?? If you were trying to date you, what would you think?

Really appreciating this detailed insight Bayou, heh.

As for the kind of people I usually go for, well... I'm usually happy with 'is female' and that's about it really. I'll try and talk to them, but often if I find I'm not liking them then I won't be interested. There always seems to be a thing I don't really like about them, or that they're already in a relationship, and more often than not that's the whole 'partakes in youth culture' thing. They go out, get drunk, go to nightclubs. That's not something which interests me, and I don't really want to be with someone who thinks you can't have a good time without alcohol. Sure, it's boring, but i've never really been interested in that. I don't do well at parties, or crowds or lots of people, or excitement. I like my quiet, and I don't really want to sit around at home while they go off and do whatever behind my back. I've never asked someone out because I either don't like them, or I do and they're already in a relationship, that or I suppose I don't think they would be interested so I lose heart. Though that has only happened once, and that was a long time ago, I feel I might be able to ask the question now.

Still, I get what you're saying. I need to be happy by myself before I can think about being happy with another. But, well... I'm not happy by myself. My frustration comes from my inability to attract a member of the opposite sex. I can't do that, so I think there's something wrong with me. That i'm boring, or unattractive, and I can't really get away from that. Because I do think I'm boring, and I do think I'm not likeable, or that I'm ugly. People always tell me differently though. I've never had a relationship, so I feel I need to at least get one to assure myself that it is possible.

Still, yeah. I am focused on that bit of paper at the end of it all. I can't help but try and talk to girls though in the hope that I might get a relationship of some kind. I suppose I'll just have to figure it all out later. I appreciate the insight.

As for your closing question. Well, I suppose I'd be happy. I mean, I doubt myself a lot and I might be hard work maybe? I don't know. I've never had a relationship before, so I just don't know. That's sort of why I want one, I can get some feedback and experience I suppose, and maybe I can convince myself that it's possible, then I can feel good about myself. Because it never really feels like it. I don't know, perhaps I would think of myself as a nice person who is interesting to talk to, nervous and self doubting but I'd do my level best to treat a girl well. Perhaps a little ugly, but... well... at least I'm a nice guy right? Suppose I'm just the safe option, there's nothing exciting about me really. I don't go out and do parties and stuff, so I imagine my life is just boring to some. I'm content with it, but it just gets hard when there's nobody to share it with.

 

[ladyforsaken]

At one point in my life, I accepted that I shall have to live without romance and the likes.

But it's really hard to say cos life is so unpredictable. You just never know what comes into your life the future and changes your perceptions on these things.

I don't think long-term relationships can be sustained on the basis of (romantic) love alone.

I don't think love is enough either. Which is why it's pointless for me. Sure, I can love. But it's not the most important aspect. It's just not enough.

I have to agree with this as well.

 

[BayouWoman]

NiceButDimJim

I have found that to be true as well. It is when you are happy and healthy and enjoying your life and not even thinking about romance that it hits you.

I think it is kind of like this:

Happy & Healthy Emotionally and Mentally attracts a Happy and Healthy Emotionally and Mentally person and that equals a Happy and Healthy and Whole relationship that is of long duration.

Not so healthy attracts Not so Healthy and equals a not so healthy relationship that is doomed before it starts.

If you are "broken" and are looking for someone to "fix" you then that is too big a burden and no one is ever going to want to pick that burden up.

EmilyFoxSeaton:

You are not too old. Love can still happen. Although I do agree with you about society.

A relationship is not going to make you whole. It will not fulfill you as a person. It will not "fix" you.

Have you ever let someone know you were interested in them? When you meet people whom you think you could develop interest with, do you ask them out?

ThatZealousOne:
Do I ever hear you about the drinking bit. And I have heard this over and over. Seems like a lot of people are of the "drink and screw" variety and don't know anything better to do. That is a life that is going nowhere and if you hooked up with someone in that it would go nowhere too. What kind of life are you going to have drinking your way through it? And if sex is your only interest then you have some major problems.

I really don't think there is anything wrong with you, I think you may be mature beyond your years and therefore are more farsighted than a lot of the people who surround you. I wouldn't take it personally to heart.

I think what you are doing is wise. Don't ask people out you usually wouldn't find interesting. Don't ask people out who are already in relationships. However DO NOT take for granted that they wouldn't be interested. Get a definite yes or no.

If you think you are boring change that, if you think you are not likeable, change that, if you think you are not attractive be as well groomed and best mannered as you can be and most people won't even bring your looks into the equation. And if they do they are too shallow to waste time with.

I think too, a lot of girls your age are looking for excitement, and that will soon fade. Boring becomes better.

I have a girlfriend who in her twenties for a date would make them come over and read a book. She said she didn't want to spend her life with someone she couldn't read with since that was one of her favorite pastimes.

So, think about what you would see in you that would attract you and see if there is something you feel you need to work on, (like self confidence perhaps? I see nothing wrong with you) and then also think about what you would want in someone you would have a relationship with. Perhaps firming up your idea of yourself and what you want and then going out and seeking it - do you see what I mean?

There are a lot of girls out there seeking a safe option, who aren't into drinking and partying either. And after a roller coaster ride, boring becomes quite attractive.

Being the extrovert that I am, I would discount the nerves, everyone is nervous at first. New relationships are hard, taking rejection is hard but I would rather have the rejection than not know....

LadyForsaken,

I think you and Rodent and VanillaCreme are very wise.

You are correct in that life is unpredictable for I did the very same thing thought romance would never enter my life and made plans for living without it and I have been married twice.

I think love grows in a relationship, I think it becomes something deeper over the passing years. I think respect is close in following. I think at the beginnings of a realtionship what you call love becomes totally diffferent over time.

I don't think a deep love can grow in only physical attraction. I think you need to think about what you need and want and go for people who share common ground.

Physical attraction is only a very shallow kind of love. And will change, usually for the worst over time. Looks fade.

You would have a better realationship with the ugliest person on the planet as long as you shared a passion, like music, for instance than with the most attractive person who only cares about how they look, what happens when those looks are gone?

 

[Xpendable]

"Happy & Healthy Emotionally and Mentally attracts a Happy and Healthy Emotionally and Mentally person and that equals a Happy and Healthy and Whole relationship that is of long duration."

I've seen the opposite so many times I can't count them.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

"Happy & Healthy Emotionally and Mentally attracts a Happy and Healthy Emotionally and Mentally person and that equals a Happy and Healthy and Whole relationship that is of long duration."

I've seen the opposite so many times I can't count them.

I've seen the opposite as well. I personally am not associated with many people who I would consider to "happy and healthy". I strive to be that person, but I don't have a lot of unrealistic expectations about it. It takes one awful event to break a person, so even if they seem mentally healthy now, it could change in the future.

 

[EmilyFoxSeaton]

Not so healthy attracts Not so Healthy and equals a not so healthy relationship that is doomed before it starts.

Nope I think you want to think about that. Many women (nee people) are happy and healthy and end up dating a loser. Seems like that is blaming the victim. I think it is basically a total crapshoot. I have been happy and healthy for a while now. No dice. I have to say, I see a lot of other women as well who are healthy and happy, I say women only because I don't see a ton of guys that are single past 40. I live in an apartment complex. 40 units. Not a single man in the entire place. Either couples or single women.

If you are "broken" and are looking for someone to "fix" you then that is too big a burden and no one is ever going to want to pick that burden up.

Well I agree with that. Women have jobs now, don't have time to fix you. Plus, generally I thought guys didn't like that.

Have you ever let someone know you were interested in them? When you meet people whom you think you could develop interest with, do you ask them out?

I don't think I have asked them out but definitely did the match.com world and generally did the dating scene. You know what.. just never met anyone who floated my boat enough for me to want to ask them out (who was single). But if I felt there was enough interest on their part and they were just shy I wouldn't hesitate.

I don't think long-term relationships can be sustained on the basis of (romantic) love alone.

So if they can't be sustained on the basis of romantic love and can't based on sex, what is the conclusion? Relationships cannot be sustained. So it would be better if people focused their efforts on themselves and accepted relationships as temporary adjuncts to a healthy single life.

 

[user 115627]

So if they can't be sustained on the basis of romantic love and can't based on sex, what is the conclusion? Relationships cannot be sustained. So it would be better if people focused their efforts on themselves and accepted relationships as temporary adjuncts to a healthy single life.

They can be maintained as more intimate version of a friendship and cooperation on the basis of mutual goals and interests. That is not "romantic love" which is the fleeting kind. Which is also why I added the little word "alone" to it. Attraction based on physical appearance alone can fade away with old age on both sides.

Also, if you are into that, procreation and raising children as another basis which partially overlaps with sex as a necessity for it, but obviously does not envelop it completely.

 

[BayouWoman]

Xpendable:
Then I would say you are either a)picking the wrong people or b) not as healthy as you think you are

AmytheTemperatmental:
then I think you need to hang around different people, perhaps more healthy people.

While it can take one awful event to break a person, it can also take the same event to make them stronger, smarter and better in the long run.

If you are in a relationship that is based on a healthy foundation then a "breaking" event would or could pull you apart depending upon the people, it could also make you stronger together and closer than ever.

EmilyFoxSeaton:
Why would anyone date a loser? Just say no. Even so, I hope that once you realize he is a loser you don't continue with the relationship.

Match.com is not real, dating sites are not real, speed dating is crap. I think it is seldom that relationships come from things like that.

And yes, Rodent, I agree with you! (Again? this is weird

 

[user 115627]

And yes, Rodent, I agree with you! (Again? this is weird

Hah! Why yes, it's almost as if being skeptical does not equal being morally bankrupt or sociopathic.

 

[Xpendable]

Xpendable:
Then I would say you are either a)picking the wrong people or b) not as healthy as you think you are

or c) no one is right enough or healty enough.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

AmytheTemperatmental:
then I think you need to hang around different people, perhaps more healthy people.

While it can take one awful event to break a person, it can also take the same event to make them stronger, smarter and better in the long run.

If you are in a relationship that is based on a healthy foundation then a "breaking" event would or could pull you apart depending upon the people, it could also make you stronger together and closer than ever.

Should I also stop hanging around people because I am not what you perceive to be "healthy"? I don't think so. And I think the term "healthy" is being thrown around a little too much.

It is possible for a couple where both partners suffer severely to become strong together. Not everything can be butterflies and sunshine.

 

[TheRealCallie]

While it can take one awful event to break a person, it can also take the same event to make them stronger, smarter and better in the long run.

It often takes being "broken" to become stronger. Every negative experience has the potential to make you stronger, you just have to learn from it. Just because one breaks doesn't mean they can't bounce back. I did.

Match.com is not real, dating sites are not real, speed dating is crap. I think it is seldom that relationships come from things like that.

Dating sites ARE real. I know many people who are happily married from sites. They are no different from real life and that is where most people mess up....they think it's a miracle worker and it's not.

 

[EmilyFoxSeaton]

Why would anyone date a loser? Just say no. Even so, I hope that once you realize he is a loser you don't continue with the relationship.

So, when Nicole Brown Simpson got in a relationship with OJ...did it all turn to shite because Nicole had "issues". Because she wasn't happy and healthy? To the hundreds of thousands of battered women out there... is it all their fault too? Your really blaming people here and that is just made up because it bears no relation to any fact or statistic. People can have bad people walk into their lives and they didn't do anything to deserve it. Just like good people can walk in too.

But regardless you come from a place where I should spend all day turning over rocks and searhing for my great love and I come from a place that says, nope, wasted too much of my life doing that already. I am going to go about my life and, if Mr. Wonderful walks in and he wants to be with me.. ok sure fine whatever, but, I am not counting on it. And I kind of wish society could let that attitude go. It is tremendously damaging to a lot of people and in a day where we are all "live and let live" to LGBTs or transsexuals and only true "weirdos" are people that want (or have no choice but to be) to be fully independent.

Hah! Why yes, it's almost as if being skeptical does not equal being morally bankrupt or sociopathic.

I agree with you too.