An archist
Well-known member
During the last few months there have been a few instances where I've felt like a prisoner confined in a cell. The first instance was actually at school. I'm a tutor, but nobody ever comes by my room for tutoring, so basically I get a paid study-hall 3 hours a week, which, don't get me wrong, is pretty sweet (in spite of the lousy pay). Well, it was one of the first "nice" days of Spring, and I saw all the other students hanging out in the garden below from the window of my room. And boy did I feel horrible at that! I felt like a prisoner looking out between the bars at all he is missing in life, and it really brought it home that I was truly wretched, sad and alone.
Normally I hate the spring because it is during this time that it seems there are more people around doing people things which I'm completely deprived of. I enjoy the winter most because when it's cold out, people make themselves scarce and I don't have to feel so nervous being outside. And, looking out that window, I noticed that all the students were doing something very alien and utterly incomprehensible to me: they were relaxing with each other!! I felt very worthless and socially inept at that thought, but at the same time I said to myself "****, does that look beautiful!" The flowers were blooming, the cherry blossom trees were starting to sprout an all these happy kids were enjoying the day. For a long time I had felt that I was just a misanthrope, but that's when I realized that I can't truly bring myself to hate people 100%, because life looks so beautiful and like such fun for them. I don't hate them, but man oh man am I envious! Well, it all made me feel very deprived of life standing at the window it almost brought me to tears.
Now, there have been no classes at my school for the last week so that we all can have a chance to study for the finals beginning tomorrow. And in this time, when there's no reason for me to go outside, I simply haven't. I've spent the last week in doors, most of which alone in my room. I think I'm starting to go a bit stir crazy! But this always happens when I've got no school. When I was in high school one summer I only went outside 5 times! 5 times in three months!!!
So, I've likened my situation to that of a prisoner in solitary confinement, but who are my guards, who has condemned me to this punishment? Well, that's the worst part of this because I'm responsible for it all! I just don't know how to be around, and am afraid of, people so I isolate myself like this. Sure, when I'm all alone like this I really yearn for some human contact, but when I'm in class or on the bus or whatever I freak out, my mind goes blank and if somebody does try and engage me in conversation I panic and only end up mumbling at them. Being with people just doesn't come naturally to me, but the company of others is something that other people don't even give a second thought to. Do I deserve this? Am I not a person because I lack something that for most people is just instinctual? I hear it all the time that people are "social creatures", so wtf does that make me?
Sorry for the rambling post that never really went anywhere. I promise that my next post will be the story of one man's journey into the unknown that will keep you guessing till the very end
Normally I hate the spring because it is during this time that it seems there are more people around doing people things which I'm completely deprived of. I enjoy the winter most because when it's cold out, people make themselves scarce and I don't have to feel so nervous being outside. And, looking out that window, I noticed that all the students were doing something very alien and utterly incomprehensible to me: they were relaxing with each other!! I felt very worthless and socially inept at that thought, but at the same time I said to myself "****, does that look beautiful!" The flowers were blooming, the cherry blossom trees were starting to sprout an all these happy kids were enjoying the day. For a long time I had felt that I was just a misanthrope, but that's when I realized that I can't truly bring myself to hate people 100%, because life looks so beautiful and like such fun for them. I don't hate them, but man oh man am I envious! Well, it all made me feel very deprived of life standing at the window it almost brought me to tears.
Now, there have been no classes at my school for the last week so that we all can have a chance to study for the finals beginning tomorrow. And in this time, when there's no reason for me to go outside, I simply haven't. I've spent the last week in doors, most of which alone in my room. I think I'm starting to go a bit stir crazy! But this always happens when I've got no school. When I was in high school one summer I only went outside 5 times! 5 times in three months!!!
So, I've likened my situation to that of a prisoner in solitary confinement, but who are my guards, who has condemned me to this punishment? Well, that's the worst part of this because I'm responsible for it all! I just don't know how to be around, and am afraid of, people so I isolate myself like this. Sure, when I'm all alone like this I really yearn for some human contact, but when I'm in class or on the bus or whatever I freak out, my mind goes blank and if somebody does try and engage me in conversation I panic and only end up mumbling at them. Being with people just doesn't come naturally to me, but the company of others is something that other people don't even give a second thought to. Do I deserve this? Am I not a person because I lack something that for most people is just instinctual? I hear it all the time that people are "social creatures", so wtf does that make me?
Sorry for the rambling post that never really went anywhere. I promise that my next post will be the story of one man's journey into the unknown that will keep you guessing till the very end