An Idea About Loneliness and A Lack of Affection

[robberrt]

Hey everyone! This is something that has been on my mind for a while, and I wanted to see what other people thought about this:

If there is a lack of affection in your life (from the opposite or same sex, whichever you prefer), do you think that receiving even the smallest amounts of affection can cause you to become very attracted to someone?

Let me give an example,

Im 23, still a virgin, and have never been in a relationship. About a month ago I was at an end of the semester party and many of my friends were there. A girl I've known for a year and a half was there as well. I've always found her attractive, but I never really thought about her much. By the time I got to the party she was already a bit drunk, and when she saw me, she immediately hugged me. It wasn't a casual hug though, she put her arms around my neck and and we kinda held each other for a good minute or so. I know this is going to sound pathetic: but since that day, I cant stop thinking about her. I had never hugged anyone that way before, and it made me really happy. Since she had been drinking, and talking a lot of random 'drunk talk' she doesn't remember hugging me, so whether she feels the same about me is beyond my knowledge.

Anyways, the whole situation got me thinking about how quickly I had developed feelings for her (over such a small thing). It makes me wonder if being single has caught up with me, and now my mind/body wants to make up for all the affection didn't get from girls when I was a few years younger. What do you guys think?

 

[Alonewith2cats]

The need for physical affection is innate. You can't deny you need it or fight it, no matter what anyone tells you. But many of us have to go without it for long periods of time and it's unattractive to seem needy to others so it's a catch 22 situation. The lonely are often told not to depend on fulfilling our need for physical affection and get happy on our own first, even though loneliness can definitely be related to a lack of touch and connection in our lives. Check out these articles if anyone believes we don't need affection, that we should just toughen up and live without it.

http://www.opposingviews.com/i/are-you-touch-starved
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...w/201104/calling-all-skin-hungry-cuddle-sluts

I know that for me personally, my loneliness would banish if I had it on a regular basis regardless of whether it comes from family or a romantic relationship. I wasn't lonely when I was visiting my family up north for Christmas. I'm only lonely back here in San Diego living alone in my apartment.

Try not to get so attached to this one girl. You can give hugs to friends and family that are platonic. Get attached when you actually get into a relationship. Although I can understand how this outlet, platonic affection, is not available to many. In my case most of my family does not live in the same city as me.

 

[Felix]

Let me see if I understand... She hugged you like that and you just let her go?? Dude... if you really wanted to make up for the loss time you would have done somethig about that.

 

[robberrt]

Alonewith2cats: Holy honeysuckle, those articles explain exactly how I'm feeling.

Felix: there's more to the story, but im gonna sleep off this jetlag first haha.

Ill be reporting back on those articles soon!!

 

[SomeoneSomewhere]

Of course, yes. You, like me, have lived without any kind of physical (or emotional) affection for all your life and when someone gives it to you, you are naturally bound to get attached to that someone.

Let me give you a simple example. When I was a kid, I used to visit my cousins and my cousin sister, who is a good 6-7 years older than me, would hug me and cuddle me and stuff just because I was cute and fat and plump. Now, whenever I used to come back home, she would be the one I'd miss the most and I'd look forward to going back. See the deal here? I was really small and I didn't even know the dynamics of physical and/or mental affection back then but I still felt it so what you are feeling is completely normal.

But as others have said, try not to obsess over it. As you might have realized, this might just be a "drunk act" and nothing else, sadly. Or if you want to pursue her, totally up to you.

I start obsessing over girls who show up in my dreams so...

 

[robberrt]

The lonely are often told not to depend on fulfilling our need for physical affection and get happy on our own first, even though loneliness can definitely be related to a lack of touch and connection

This is so true!! I can't tell you how many times I've heard the 'be comfortable alone' response. It's bullshit, and I hear it often from people who don't even know what being alone means.

I found both of those articles to be intriguing, and can only imagine how estatic I would be if I cuddled up with a friend that I found attractive, had an intimate conversation with her, and we told each other our secrets. It's exactly what I've wanted for the longest time, and the thought of it puts a huge smile on my face. I think my success in school would go up and I wouldn't be so stressed out all the time!

I'm definitely not going to get attached to the girl from the party, it was just her being drunk that caused her to do that. After that day , I invited her out to coffee and I just wasn't getting the 'im interested' vibes. Or maybe I just didn't see them. Either way, that was the first time I had ever called up a girl to hang out and I really felt like I was finally taking steps to be more sociable around women!

---

I start obsessing over girls who show up in my dreams so...

Hahah me too!

---

Now, whenever I used to come back home, she would be the one I'd miss the most and I'd look forward to going back.

Im actually visiting family right now , and that's how it is with me and one of my cousins too!!

 

[Tiina63]

I agree completely that this 'be happy alone first' is bullshit. Most people need to be cared for, loved and cherished by others and when these needs are not met, most of us will not feel happy or fulfilled. There are some folks who are happy alone, but for most of us it is not a satisfying way to live.
In reply to the op-very lonely people often do become attached to someone who shows us some care and affection. I know that I do.

 

[Runciter]

I agree completely that this 'be happy alone first' is bullshit. Most people need to be cared for, loved and cherished by others and when these needs are not met, most of us will not feel happy or fulfilled. There are some folks who are happy alone, but for most of us it is not a satisfying way to live.

I disagree with this. This thread is a prime example of how lonely people who aren't happy because they lack effecting can latch on to anyone who pays them attention. This only leads to relationships that are built upon your desire for affection, not relationships based on mutual respect and love for each other. Being happy about who you are and being comfortable being alone will put you in a much better mindset to find someone who is truly suited to you.

But it's not just the lonely who change their opinion on people who show interest. When I started my first job I started at the same time as another girl who I caught checking me out, I remember thinking "no chance," because I didn't find her attractive.
But we were put on training together and ended up getting on really well. A couple of weeks of flirting later and we ended up together. I have no idea why I judged her as I did that first day, looking back I can't relate, even today I think she was beautiful. It's worth noting that I had no real issues with myself at this time, I was happy, confident and outgoing. I wasn't seeking affection.

 

[blackdot]

If there is a lack of affection in your life (from the opposite or same sex, whichever you prefer), do you think that receiving even the smallest amounts of affection can cause you to become very attracted to someone?

Yes. And it causes a lot of problems because some women are the types that show everyone affection and it's no big deal but to people like me, when they show me affection, I automatically take it the wrong way and think there is something to it and I end up feeling foolish when I find out she has no feelings for me.

---

I agree completely that this 'be happy alone first' is bullshit.

"Be happy alone first" only works if your goal in life is to be alone.

 

[SomeoneSomewhere]

I disagree with this. This thread is a prime example of how lonely people who aren't happy because they lack effecting can latch on to anyone who pays them attention. This only leads to relationships that are built upon your desire for affection, not relationships based on mutual respect and love for each other. Being happy about who you are and being comfortable being alone will put you in a much better mindset to find someone who is truly suited to you.

But it's not just the lonely who change their opinion on people who show interest. When I started my first job I started at the same time as another girl who I caught checking me out, I remember thinking "no chance," because I didn't find her attractive.
But we were put on training together and ended up getting on really well. A couple of weeks of flirting later and we ended up together. I have no idea why I judged her as I did that first day, looking back I can't relate, even today I think she was beautiful. It's worth noting that I had no real issues with myself at this time, I was happy, confident and outgoing. I wasn't seeking affection.

For me, however happy I am with myself, I'll always have that certain emptiness in me that won't ever make me completely happy before someone loving or even just caring for me. Now, would I be "happy enough"? No.

So I don't know how that's done. Do the things that I love, long pep talks in front of the mirror telling myself how awesome I am, and whatever later, I know that I'd still be unhappy and if I ever get into a relationship, I'd go in without being happy with myself seeking that affection from her and for me, I feel like that will make the relationship all the more important (and special) for me because I'll cherish what I get.

So if anyone here knows how to be happy with oneself, I'm all ears...

 

[Runciter]

So if anyone here knows how to be happy with oneself, I'm all ears...

Well when you said this: "Most people need to be cared for, loved and cherished by others and when these needs are not met, most of us will not feel happy or fulfilled." This indicated that a requirement of your happiness is to be loved and cared for. Perhaps you should be doing something just for you, something that will give you a sense of pride and achievement, something that will allow you to be happy without the affection of others.

Of course we're all happier with someone, but learning to be happy alone makes finding someone appropriate much easier. I don't need money to be happy but if you offered me a million pounds of course I'd be happier. I don't need a woman to be happy but if I found someone I loved, yes, I'd be happier. But needing to find someone to make you happy is just going to make you emotionally dependent on any partner you have which is not a healthy foundation for a solid loving relationship.

I can't tell you how to be happy alone I'm afraid. I can tell you that I find happiness in music, art and being in nature but thats just me. You have to figure out something for yourself.

 

[Baka]

If there is a lack of affection in your life (from the opposite or same sex, whichever you prefer), do you think that receiving even the smallest amounts of affection can cause you to become very attracted to someone?

I don't think it's the affection itself, but rather the fact that you've never received it before or much of it. Don't be surprised if, when you do find yourself in a relationship, you come on way too strong. It happens!

 

[duff]

If there is a lack of affection in your life (from the opposite or same sex, whichever you prefer), do you think that receiving even the smallest amounts of affection can cause you to become very attracted to someone?

Yes. And it causes a lot of problems because some women are the types that show everyone affection and it's no big deal but to people like me, when they show me affection, I automatically take it the wrong way and think there is something to it and I end up feeling foolish when I find out she has no feelings for me.

---

I agree completely that this 'be happy alone first' is bullshit.

"Be happy alone first" only works if your goal in life is to be alone.

---

not at all.

It's getting on with your life and counting your blessing instead of ******* moaning all the time ! (not aimed at anybody in particular !)

Some people on here - they are miserable, down, depressed, unhappy, crying every 5 minutes and they wonder why other people don't want to know them !

---

Hey everyone! This is something that has been on my mind for a while, and I wanted to see what other people thought about this:

If there is a lack of affection in your life (from the opposite or same sex, whichever you prefer), do you think that receiving even the smallest amounts of affection can cause you to become very attracted to someone?

Let me give an example,

Im 23, still a virgin, and have never been in a relationship. About a month ago I was at an end of the semester party and many of my friends were there. A girl I've known for a year and a half was there as well. I've always found her attractive, but I never really thought about her much. By the time I got to the party she was already a bit drunk, and when she saw me, she immediately hugged me. It wasn't a casual hug though, she put her arms around my neck and and we kinda held each other for a good minute or so. I know this is going to sound pathetic: but since that day, I cant stop thinking about her. I had never hugged anyone that way before, and it made me really happy. Since she had been drinking, and talking a lot of random 'drunk talk' she doesn't remember hugging me, so whether she feels the same about me is beyond my knowledge.

Anyways, the whole situation got me thinking about how quickly I had developed feelings for her (over such a small thing). It makes me wonder if being single has caught up with me, and now my mind/body wants to make up for all the affection didn't get from girls when I was a few years younger. What do you guys think?

I know what you mean. From the ages of say 16 to 25 I had so little attention from women that when a woman smiled at me, I made a big deal of it. I would develop a crush and wonder if they liked me. If they spoke to me, said 'hello' I would make a bigger deal of it. Back then most women either ignored me or laughed at me. You always get the small minority who 'feel sorry for' guys like me - so the reason for the smiles or 'hello's or patronising small talk.

I'm not like that now. A woman smiled at me today when I was taking my photo's in Whitby. I smiled back. I didn't think it was anything other than her been polite, probably because I glanced at her when we walked past each other.

We make a big deal of it because we don't get any attention from the opposite sex !

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I agree completely that this 'be happy alone first' is bullshit. Most people need to be cared for, loved and cherished by others and when these needs are not met, most of us will not feel happy or fulfilled. There are some folks who are happy alone, but for most of us it is not a satisfying way to live.

I disagree with this. This thread is a prime example of how lonely people who aren't happy because they lack effecting can latch on to anyone who pays them attention. This only leads to relationships that are built upon your desire for affection, not relationships based on mutual respect and love for each other. Being happy about who you are and being comfortable being alone will put you in a much better mindset to find someone who is truly suited to you.

There are 2 sides of the spectrum here and if you look at both ends they are both extremes. The truth is not either this way or that way but somewhere in the middle. There is nothing wrong with requiring affection. Human beings are social animals and the need for affection is innate, you can't fight it. Yes, we do need to be cared for, loved and cherished by others and if these needs are not met we will not be happy or fulfilled. That's why children need to be raised by loving parents and that's one of the benefits of having friends and being in relationships, romantic or platonic. But also, there is such a thing as too much dependency as healthy relationships are about give and take as opposed to needing someone to fill a black hole in you and you just suck another's energy without giving love back. Yes, it is a good thing and necessary to do whatever you can to find happiness within yourself, to be able to be alone sometimes or for a time and very important to cultivate your self-esteem so you have more to give to a relationship. This does not mean that you have to be the kind of person who can be eternally happy alone or be ashamed to admit it to yourself if and when you do feel that need for love and affection, because that is against our nature as social beings and if you fight nature it just makes these feelings stronger. I believe acceptance allows these feelings to relax so it's not so overwhelming.

I agree that we should not just latch on to anyone based on our desire for affection. This is one of the things that keeps me single, making sure I'm going available for the one person who I'm going to be into the most. I think people should be fulfilling their needs for love and affection through platonic relationships. You can hug friends and family members or just spend time with them, call to say hi, etc. Or if you can find such a person, get a cuddle buddy with no strings attached. Be sure to give as well as receive so you don't suck energy. So many ways to fulfill our natural need to connect.

 

[Runciter]

@2cats
I should clarify that when I talk of being happy alone, in the context of this thread, alone simply means without a partner. Of course humans are social animals and I'm not suggesting that if you were stranded alone on a desert island for 10 years that you should be happy. Everyone has different social needs but I think when your desire for a partner becomes one of those needs and not just a bonus, then you have an issue that should be addressed.

Personally I am a fairly solitary person by nature, I have a few close friends and become overwhelmed if I try to keep too many. I'm happy spending a lot of time alone and enjoy the company of animals. One of my friends doesn't know what to do with himself, he spends pretty much every day with his large group of friends socializing. He has no girlfriend and he isn't bothered by that, he isn't actively seeking a girlfriend, he just wants to have fun while he's young.

So you're right in the fact that it isn't just a black and white situation, but I still believe that when a requirement for your happiness is to be in a romantic relationship, you will have a much harder time both finding and keeping a good partner.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

@2cats
I should clarify that when I talk of being happy alone, in the context of this thread, alone simply means without a partner. Of course humans are social animals and I'm not suggesting that if you were stranded alone on a desert island for 10 years that you should be happy. Everyone has different social needs but I think when your desire for a partner becomes one of those needs and not just a bonus, then you have an issue that should be addressed.

Personally I am a fairly solitary person by nature, I have a few close friends and become overwhelmed if I try to keep too many. I'm happy spending a lot of time alone and enjoy the company of animals. One of my friends doesn't know what to do with himself, he spends pretty much every day with his large group of friends socializing. He has no girlfriend and he isn't bothered by that, he isn't actively seeking a girlfriend, he just wants to have fun while he's young.

So you're right in the fact that it isn't just a black and white situation, but I still believe that when a requirement for your happiness is to be in a romantic relationship, you will have a much harder time both finding and keeping a good partner.

The desire is strong for a lot of people. The abundance of physical affection and sex that comes with having a partner one of life's greatest joys. I don't think there is anything wrong with people wanting it as long as they don't get desperate about it. The problem is when people are especially lonely they tend to think about it a lot. I know I personally would not want to live the rest of my life or even the next 5 to 10 years without having someone to be physically affectionate with because I'm a very touch oriented and skin hungry person and kissing, cuddling and sex are high on my wish list. I can distract myself from these desires but I can't make them go away. I don't think that means I have a problem. That's just me. That said, I understand people must enter these relationships in a healthy state mentally, emotionally and physically which means they have to cultivate their well being on their own while nurturing relationships of a non-romantic nature because those are so important. You can't live without friends and/or family. For me it's also been a long time since I've had one of those platonic hugs, the kind you get from your Mom or a close friend.

 

[Okiedokes]

I also had to learn that we actually "need" others in our lives for happiness and it's nothing to be ashamed of, whether it's friendship and/or relationship. I think the thing with it though is learning to be happy with ourselves also, like doing our own activities every once in awhile. To be "you" and be accepted by others especially in a relationship. One way to look at it is you can be lonely in a relationship if you aren't accepted. Not having one and having a bad one can cause near the same amount of pain.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I also had to learn that we actually "need" others in our lives for happiness and it's nothing to be ashamed of, whether it's friendship and/or relationship. I think the thing with it though is learning to be happy with ourselves also, like doing our own activities every once in awhile. To be "you" and be accepted by others especially in a relationship. One way to look at it is you can be lonely in a relationship if you aren't accepted. Not having one and having a bad one can cause near the same amount of pain.

This is more along the lines of what I think. It is better to not be in a relationship than it is to be in a bad relationship. Because if you're not in a relationship no matter how lonely you have more peace of mind and less stress than if you're in a bad relationship.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'll just say this personally speaking, because I can't even generalize it. But, I personally don't "need" anyone to be happy. I can find joy and satisfaction within myself, by myself. Sure, it's lovely to have people around, by your side, supporting you, and sharing ideas... but I can't honestly say I need it in order to be happy.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

This is more along the lines of what I think. It is better to not be in a relationship than it is to be in a bad relationship. Because if you're not in a relationship no matter how lonely you have more peace of mind and less stress than if you're in a bad relationship.

This is probably why I tend to avoid getting into my first relationship. Not knowing is a lot better than knowing AND hurting.

It may hurt wanting to hold someone, but it will hurt worse knowing that you're being mistreated by someone who you love.