An Unfortunate Series of Events...

[Vic Sage]

Ok, going to give people a semi-Cliff's Notes of this. We'll see. Apologies for walls of text in advance. You have been warned.

Beginning from early April through late June I was in a relationship with someone. I am in my mid-to-late twenties, she was in her very early twenties. Things veered between great and promising to horrible with three break-up situations. First was a week in where she was just "scared", second was in early June where she didn't know if she was feeling it, and last and final was in the end of June where a chance meeting with an old dating partner reignited and confirmed her not feeling it.

I took my lumps and my lessons, and after a period of regret and mourning (wherein I joined this little site) I began to move on. While I missed the companionship and mourned the failure (I hate failure), I realized I could be just as happy surrounded by friends and projects to distract me.

I cut off all contact (as I am an all or nothing guy) which means calls, texts, social networking sites, etc. The urge to check on her status grew weaker, until last week when I noticed some things regarding the old partner that implied a break-up, but in actuality was his tragic random death.

I felt horrible. I felt like she was going to be emotionally devastated for years, like Jimmy Stewart at the end of Vertigo. What was I to do? Did I even want this young woman who stomped on my soul on three different occasions back? Could I be the bigger man and offer her comfort after seeing what she perhaps felt was "the One" (as much as "the One" exists for people so young) be taken from her so soon and cruelly? Surely this was like some twisted O. Henry story, where the heroine trades in one suitor for another only to have the original spurned and the newish one killed, leaving her with nothing...

Well I didn't have to worry about that, as a random lookup on Facebook (I was bored) showed me she was in a new relationship. Already. Not a month after us, not two weeks after the catalyst of the break-up was killed. A new one.

Does that seem weird to anyone else? And I know everyone's advice would be to run far, far away and resist all temptations of our public lives on the internet... but I have terrible self-control. One of the reasons I shy away from drugs.

I'm not even that hung up on her anymore... I just... it's hard to explain. I feel hurt, like our entire relationship was a lie. It took so long to get her to "commit" and it took this guy less time, especially factoring in the destruction of one relationship and the death of a crush. Needless to say I also feel a little angry and upset.

Well, here it is. Show me your thoughts and opinions, everyone.

 

[VanillaCreme]

My thoughts are, she probably didn't want the relationship to begin with. Or maybe she might have at first, but ended up not wanting it. And this is the part that I don't get. Instead of saying something and telling you the truth, she just pulled the string more and more until it eventually snapped. It's really not that hard to tell someone how you're really feeling. I think the fact that she jumped into a relationship so fast probably means that this guy was already in the picture, before you even noticed him. Which would explain her "not feeling it." Not sure about her being scared. She might have really felt scared to be in a relationship with you.

 

[Vic Sage]

My thoughts are, she probably didn't want the relationship to begin with. Or maybe she might have at first, but ended up not wanting it. And this is the part that I don't get. Instead of saying something and telling you the truth, she just pulled the string more and more until it eventually snapped. It's really not that hard to tell someone how you're really feeling. I think the fact that she jumped into a relationship so fast probably means that this guy was already in the picture, before you even noticed him. Which would explain her "not feeling it." Not sure about her being scared. She might have really felt scared to be in a relationship with you.

Well, as far as being scared... I don't mean scared in a "I'm a creepy guy and/or violent" way. Scared as in "I've only had one previous boyfriend and I'm barely out of my teens" way. The acceptable scared.

What's weird about this dude already being in the picture is that he wasn't the crush guy. Presumably just a friend of him. My only thinking is that he always liked her and is in town for summer break, plus they connected over their shared loss. She's pretty sheltered and naive so I don't see her as being the cheating type.

She always used the excuse (at least the last 1 1/2 times) of not wanting to hurt me, but I would point out that more damage is done the further into something you are. After a month, if you know something's not working out, don't drag it out.

I'm really unsure of things, seeing as how... let's just say she experienced some things "first" with me, and was prepared for other firsts. Two weeks before the final break she sent me texts from a family lake cabin of missing me and daydreaming of sleeping over. I mean... I feel like I'm in the Matrix. What was real? Was anything? How can I trust anyone or anything again?

 

[tehdreamer]

Holy crap! I just had a friend go through something similar, except the new boyfriend didn't die. All I can say is... It was real, at the time. But she's young and feelings like those seem to come and go a lot easier for younger people. One minute she wants to run off with you and get married, and the next she's in love with some new guy. It's lack of maturity. Not all younger people are that immature, but it's common. They mistake crushes for love and they don't know how to separate the two. So while you're deeply in love, they really just have a crush.

Also, I would run far, far away from someone like that. She'll keep hopping from one guy to the next until she learns what real love is about, meanwhile leaving lots of broken hearts in her wake. And it's also very creepy to have moved on to a new boyfriend just weeks after your previous one dies. Something tells me she lacks empathy.

 

[Badjedidude]

One minute she wants to run off with you and get married, and the next she's in love with some new guy. It's lack of maturity. Not all younger people are that immature, but it's common. They mistake crushes for love and they don't know how to separate the two. So while you're deeply in love, they really just have a crush.

Seems like I'm also seeing wayyyy too much of that.

Maybe the divorce rate would be lower if more people didn't get married like 2 months after meeting each other. Whatever happened to knowing a person for a year (or more) before marriage? Really, that makes more sense to me than finding out who the person is WHILE you're married. Doesn't it make more sense to discover what the person is like BEFORE taking the plunge?

Call me old fashioned, but it makes sense to me. *shrug*

 

[Vic Sage]

Holy crap! I just had a friend go through something similar, except the new boyfriend didn't die. All I can say is... It was real, at the time. But she's young and feelings like those seem to come and go a lot easier for younger people. One minute she wants to run off with you and get married, and the next she's in love with some new guy. It's lack of maturity. Not all younger people are that immature, but it's common. They mistake crushes for love and they don't know how to separate the two. So while you're deeply in love, they really just have a crush.

Also, I would run far, far away from someone like that. She'll keep hopping from one guy to the next until she learns what real love is about, meanwhile leaving lots of broken hearts in her wake. And it's also very creepy to have moved on to a new boyfriend just weeks after your previous one dies. Something tells me she lacks empathy.

Wow, really? PM me the story, if you want. Obviously you can change names and ages/locations. I do.

The description I thought of was... sociopath. Lack of empathy, self-awareness, etc. Now, there's a difference between the Patrick Bateman sociopath and her... but you get my drift.

 

[Nina]

Vic--
Being you were her first,and it wasn't all that long ago, she just might be going through that, "try out a lot of guys" stage. It could be her maturity level just isn't to the point of her being able to focus on one relationship. Sadly, there are some folks who seem to get stuck permanently in the shallow," jump from one to another" mindset. I do agree that these folks lack empathy and many are very self-revolving when in a relationship Try not to take it personally. It hurts to go through something like this, but you have to keep in mind, YOUR fine, she is the one with possible issues.

 

[Vic Sage]

I think you admitted feelings too early and were making future plans too early, I'm used to leaving a girl in limbo about relationship status and making them feel as though it is a compeition to earn my proposals and even marriage.

If they feel crushed or hurt it just means they weren't willing to "kick it up a notch" and thought I would just settle. Settling is for chips or quick mix, not for me, they better learn I'm not a safety blanket.

I don't know... that's not really my style. I don't really like to play head games or whatever. Seems a bit too close to all that PUA crap.

 

[CrazieCute]

Hi Vic I'm glad you shared this. I agree with tehdreamer. It's immaturity, and no that is not a cop out. Wisdom comes from experience which your ex was sorely lacking in. It's also personality. Some people are considered more apathetic, while others more empathetic. Really, we are selfish creatures who's sole goal is to make ourselves happy. I suggest you step back and distance yourself and think with your mind rather than your broken heart. Did she really seem as into you as you were with her? Or did she just tell you want you wanted to hear? I hope this helps Vic I only mean the best for you.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Try out a lot of guys... I can't understand why or how people do that...

 

[Vic Sage]

One of the ironies is that she's a "poet." Aren't they supposed to be aware of feelings?

I've resisted the urge to check for about a week. I think I learned my lesson. One thing that scares me about myself is that I keep taking risks until it doesn't pay off. Probably why I shouldn't go to Vegas. I kept checking Tweets and Facebook every once in a while, while telling myself I shouldn't and there will only be heartache to see one day... and I did it until there was only heartache to see.

 

[sadface]

One of the ironies is that she's a "poet." Aren't they supposed to be aware of feelings?

No, they're in search of their feelings, and use poetry as a method to do so.

 

[Vic Sage]

One of the ironies is that she's a "poet." Aren't they supposed to be aware of feelings?

No, they're in search of their feelings, and use poetry as a method to do so.

I hope her poems will include her feeling like a selfish little girl and causing wreckage in her wake.

 

[Badjedidude]

^^^Bitterness isn't very becoming.

Just let go of it, man.

Move on.

 

[Vic Sage]

^^^Bitterness isn't very becoming.

Just let go of it, man.

Move on.

Friend, that's always the goal, but I've seen my summer slowly detoriate. I'm on a loneliness forum I found while looking up loneliness on wikipedia. We do what we can.

 

[tehdreamer]

I think it's ok to be bitter at a particular person, especially if they've done you horribly wrong. It only gets bad when it spills out at other people. It's also bad if you let it control your life. Don't let the hate consume so much of your time and energy. She's not thinking about you, so she doesn't deserve your thoughts.

 

[Electric_Fusilier]

Vic - is it not possible that there's actually nothing 'wrong' with the girl herself for hooking up with another guy so soon after the death of her (presumably) loved one, but that there might be something quite drastically wrong with this new guy - in that he may well be exploiting a grieving, very emotionally vulnerable person?

 

[Vic Sage]

Vic - is it not possible that there's actually nothing 'wrong' with the girl herself for hooking up with another guy so soon after the death of her (presumably) loved one, but that there might be something quite drastically wrong with this new guy - in that he may well be exploiting a grieving, very emotionally vulnerable person?

Well, you bring up an interesting point. One of the only rational ways I could think to explain this was that it was a case of two grieving individuals coming together. The guy was a friend of the recently departed, so they all knew each other. I try to be objective a lot, and I have to admit he doesn't really strike me as the sleazy type to try to make out with his friend's woman on a freshly dug grave.

The two guys are both nineteen and slightly academic/nerdy, and they all come from the same upper-middle class city. Maybe he always liked her but his friend followed by me, was always in the way?

Still seems really, really soon to get into a relationship, though. Less than two weeks? Less than four weeks since your last one? When you've only had two in twenty years? Weird.

 

[Electric_Fusilier]

Hmmm. The thing is, the emotional distress associated with such a loss can cause people...well, to do some pretty unusual things. It may well be that these two grieving people went to each other for support - and they found themselves in a deeply emotional relationship which they might well feel to be the real thing. Maybe it is - maybe it isn't; but such emotional stress would make it very hard for either of them to know for sure.

I guess, Vic, you're just gonna have to leave them to it, and try not to analyse it too much. Easier said than done, I guess; sometimes, someone can really get under your skin - I know, it's happening to me right now - someone who your head remains unsure of, but to whom your heart thirsts. As I've said before, the heart is an unreasonable swine.

Just out of interest, have you thought about contacting your ex, to offer condolences?

 

[Vic Sage]

Hmmm. The thing is, the emotional distress associated with such a loss can cause people...well, to do some pretty unusual things. It may well be that these two grieving people went to each other for support - and they found themselves in a deeply emotional relationship which they might well feel to be the real thing. Maybe it is - maybe it isn't; but such emotional stress would make it very hard for either of them to know for sure.

I guess, Vic, you're just gonna have to leave them to it, and try not to analyse it too much. Easier said than done, I guess; sometimes, someone can really get under your skin - I know, it's happening to me right now - someone who your head remains unsure of, but to whom your heart thirsts. As I've said before, the heart is an unreasonable swine.

Just out of interest, have you thought about contacting your ex, to offer condolences?

When I found out about it that Saturday, I thought about my options. Basically they were to pretend I don't read those texts/pretend nothing happened or to send her a sensitive email telling her that I'm here. Again, want to stress that I'm not a sleazebag looking to score on a vulnerable woman. She napalmed my soul three times, that's enough napalming for a while.

I checked the Facebook partially to see if she had written anything about me acting/seeming like an insensitive jerk. Upon seeing she was now in a relationship with the deceased's friend, I promptly concluded that my shoulder probably wasn't wanted or needed.

In any case, I'll be seeing her in a week and a half, so this story still has some life to it. Probably not after I can't resist myself and end up making veiled, dick-ish comments in class. But still... there'll be that, at least!