Another bad evening.

[Alex]

Oh man...you may have seen my insane list of strategies post...this week was no different, I came up with the idea of 'attacking the world' and kind of turning depression into anger as its more energetic. It worked great the other night everyone was saying I seemed a lot more lively than usual. But tonight...It didn't work...couldn't get angry...just was dead...I know if I was pushed, like if the people who asked me why I wasn't speaking much, if they had pushed, and pushed and pushed then the furious rage would have come out and I would be out again! But it is hard....and not that simple. I actually convinced myself (again) this strategy was 'the one'. I was actually going to post it on here and say I've found the cure. hahaha. It sucks so bad. I don't know at what point my mood turned sour. I think it was when girls I was with were talking about previous b/fs and making sexual jokes about them etc...I have never had a proper g/f I think this just set off the passive rage...I felt so envious of them for having had relationships. I have an insane 'i have to win' (whatever that means) mentality towards a girl i like aswell...probably not healthy.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Don't sweat it.

It's okay to feel you anger. It's okay to have crazy thoughts.
Sometimes I write about it, other times I talk to people about it.

Other times I find non-distructive ways to release my anger.
Playing guitar or excerzising...etc.

I'm not my thoughts or my emotions.
I don't have to react to my thoughts or emotions.

The more I process my thoughts and emotions.
The less and less I think about them again.

Sometimes it's not as easy as just letting go.
Sometimes it's like skiming the floatsum ans jetsum out of the water.
Sometimes it's like peeling layers of onions.
Othertimes it's like wash, rainse and repeat, wash , rainse and repeat.

Other times I have to open up my mind...allow myself to experince happiness in my life.
Happy things aside from a girl or relationships, becuase I get tunnel vision.

Sometimes I have to be on gruad of my envy or jealousy. It's like a spark.
Bascailly compairing myself to other people..

What they have, what I don't have...
What I want that they have.
I should be like this or I should be like that.
Thinking as such makes me feel like honeysuckle about myself and then I get pissed.


Other times I get out of myself by helping other people.

Sometimes, i just go for a simple stroll at the park...something close to nature.
Other times I just take a drive out to the country and be in nature.
Give myself a break and a change of sceneries to help me get different thoughts.

Sometimes I'll just watch funni vedio on the tubes or read jokes on the net to make me luagh.

Somewhere along the line...I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired for being sad, angry or pissed.

Of course I still want to win..just taking a healtier path.
Anyway, if I can't rule myself, I don't think i'll be able to rule the world.

 

[heretostay]

lonesomecrow is right. its ok to have the rage. its condoned of course, but i have rage all the time. just the other day i was so angry at everything. i think after awhile of living with yourself, you just get used to your cycles. especially for me- ive stopped thinking i should be any different then i am. i hate life-i hate living-but i am alive so you do what you gotta do to make it tolerable. some days are good; some days are bad. its just the way it is.