another olive branch

[Jessicat]

I left home when I was 17. Not a moment to soon. My mom would hold a grudge forever, bringing up stuff from the past in every fight. It could be as little as not doing the dishes the right way, that would build up to this huge fight where I would sit on the couch and listen to her ranting for over and hour. Continuous questions of why did I do that, why am I this stupid, why can’t I listen to her, how she hated me and I didn’t deserve to live in her house. It always ended with me getting kicked out and have to spend another night outside. Maybe I do hold grudges towards her. And my father. Hard to let it go. I don’t feel like I walk around feeling anger towards them, but I can never forget. Maybe if my family was loving and supportive when I got sick, maybe things would have been different. That’s hard to swallow. 

I can communicate with people ok when I have too, that’s not a problem. Small talks and that stuff is easy, I just put on this mask. It fits perfectly after years of practice.
Building friendship is a different story. When someone is looking at my life they tend to feel it’s weird, and it is. It’s not normal, it’s about survival. Feel like I only can relate to someone that’s been thru similar stuff I have, or some that has special qualities. Since those people are hard to come by I tend not to try. 

I live in a country where the healthcare system is amazing. It takes care of all of my needs. Makes me even able to save money every month. And, living with my bf that owns the house means I don’t have a lot of expenses. In my country’s standard I’m on the low income list. However, that’s not so bad compared to almost every other country in the world.

 

[morrowrd]

I left home when I was 17. Not a moment to soon. My mom would hold a grudge forever, bringing up stuff from the past in every fight. It could be as little as not doing the dishes the right way, that would build up to this huge fight where I would sit on the couch and listen to her ranting for over and hour. Continuous questions of why did I do that, why am I this stupid, why can’t I listen to her, how she hated me and I didn’t deserve to live in her house. It always ended with me getting kicked out and have to spend another night outside. Maybe I do hold grudges towards her. And my father. Hard to let it go. I don’t feel like I walk around feeling anger towards them, but I can never forget. Maybe if my family was loving and supportive when I got sick, maybe things would have been different. That’s hard to swallow. 

I can communicate with people ok when I have too, that’s not a problem. Small talks and that stuff is easy, I just put on this mask. It fits perfectly after years of practice.
Building friendship is a different story. When someone is looking at my life they tend to feel it’s weird, and it is. It’s not normal, it’s about survival. Feel like I only can relate to someone that’s been thru similar stuff I have, or some that has special qualities. Since those people are hard to come by I tend not to try. 

I live in a country where the healthcare system is amazing. It takes care of all of my needs. Makes me even able to save money every month. And, living with my bf that owns the house means I don’t have a lot of expenses. In my country’s standard I’m on the low income list. However, that’s not so bad compared to almost every other country in the world.

Well, I have to say for what it's worth, I know what it's like to go through some of what you've been through.  There are memories hard wired into my mind of the years at home before I even attended my first day of school.  My mom always saying there was something wrong with me. Telling me, and telling others - it's shaming. And I think that's probably the core here, shame.

There aren't alot of people who have gone through what we have, but it's not impossible to relate and understand.  Although for you, that really isn't a priority because it's a setup for failure to try to communicate with people who don't understand you, or don't at least try to.  And where do you go from there?

What's life like for you right now under your current survival system?  What is your day to day like?  Not to pry, just to get a feel for how you live.

 

[Jessicat]

I try and keep as busy as possible. Being stuck inside my own head is just asking for trouble, and since I don’t sleep a lot I got so much time to kill. Lol.
Got a dog so I spend a lot of time with her, running, hiking in the summer, skiing in the winter. Usually go down to the clinic to my bf at lunch. I like reading, gaming, movies and series. I volunteer at Red Cross once in a while, I like to bake so I usually do that there.
I don’t have any friends where I live now, my bf has some so that gives me at least some sense of social life.
Idle hands are the devils workshop? Or something like that.

 

[morrowrd]

I try and keep as busy as possible. Being stuck inside my own head is just asking for trouble, and since I don’t sleep a lot I got so much time to kill. Lol.
Got a dog so I spend a lot of time with her, running, hiking in the summer, skiing in the winter. Usually go down to the clinic to my bf at lunch. I like reading, gaming, movies and series. I volunteer at Red Cross once in a while, I like to bake so I usually do that there.
I don’t have any friends where I live now, my bf has some so that gives me at least some sense of social life.
Idle hands are the devils workshop? Or something like that.

There are alot of similarities here.  I am a loner, non-social - yet I have not been unsuccessful dating.  For some reason, I have not had a problem finding female companionship and that has been my social outlet other than work.  And the relationship itself when one was established the two times since my divorce, that became my primary social outlet.  (The girl, her family, and her friends.) My "school of life" was the primary place where I practiced new life systems, and that was work.  You have a volunteer position at the Red Cross - that's excellent.  That can be used as a platform for trial and error if you ever feel so inclined, although I'm betting it's already serving that purpose whether you know it or not.  As iron sharpens iron, so does one person sharpen another, so they say.

I discovered cooking (and baking) is an excellent mental exercise.  You have a goal, and a system for organizing the various ingredients to bring about something that looks, smells, and tastes good, and that other's enjoy.   Although baking is a bit harder than cooking, where you can bend the rules at times and play around with ingredients. Baking has to be exact, or it doesn't come out right. I'm better at the former.

 

[Jessicat]

Yes, it’s wierd to feel so...underdeveloped when it comes to the social stuff, yet finding a date is not hard. Why am I dating material but not friendship material? Guess that’s a whole different discussion. 

The Red Cross has these nights where either old and lonely people or those who struggle with addiction can come and meet up with others. At least that’s the groups I deal with. I only do it once a month but it gives me something to enjoy that day. 

Baking and cooking is fun! Feels good when you get to share something you have made and put effort in. I think it’s in my blood. My mom was great in the kitchen and since I was the one that had to make most meals it just made it easy for me to develop skills.