Another one falls for a best friend

[route95]

I've been going through a particularly rough patch in life without my best friend. We didn't speak for a year (his decision) for the most part. He'd reappear every so often saying how he missed me and loved me (as a friend), I know him better than everyone else, and thought of me every day, etc. Well finally we met face to face and agreed to make amends. The only problem is that he has a girlfriend now. I had feelings for him before the girlfriend was in the picture, but during our 1+ years apart he has one. I thought I didnt have the feelings anymore until I found out he has a girlfriend and cried.

I don't want to break up a relationship. I miss my best friend. But should I put myself in internal turmoil over this? Should I not talk to him until they break up (if they break up)? While I take comfort that even though he was in a steady relationship he still missed me, I still try finding myself trying to see cues that he may have some feelings for me. Before we stopped talking there was definitely a time when things were very intimate and potentially romantic (saying i love you at the end of convos, talking constantly, cuddling, etc).

Then again I wonder if it's all in my head and I just think I still have feelings because he has a girlfriend. However I don't think that's entirely the case because I have cut very close friends off without any remorse. He was someone I thought about daily.

This is so stupid I can't believe I have fallen into the cliche. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE WARN ME HOW EASY (and crappy) THIS IS? >_>

 

[Luna]

Hi Route,

Though I am no expert on relationships - I would cut all ties and shut down on him.

1. You said "We didn't speak for a year (his decision) for the most part."
2. You said "He'd reappear every so often saying how he missed me and loved me (as a friend), I know him better than everyone else, and thought of me every day, etc."
3. You said "The only problem is that he has a girlfriend now."
4. You said "While I take comfort that even though he was in a steady relationship he still missed me, I still try finding myself trying to see cues that he may have some feelings for me."

Who...the...fresia does that to a friend?

Sounds like he dropped you, then reappeared in your life whenever it was convenient to him - then showed up with a lady friend on his arm!

The bottom line is, if he wanted you, he would have chosen you from the get-go. There are no clues or excuses to be found - he has made it clear where he stands with his actions.

Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option.

I could be wrong about his intentions, but from an outsider's perspective - or mine at least - he's just looking for someone to hang onto as "backup".

Words mean little.
I have had people tell me, that they want to be my friend...care for me etc.
The moment that I refused sex etc., they dropped me cold.

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Don't subject yourself to such emotional and mental anguish by trying to onto to the little, if not broken, ties that you have with him.

That is not how you treat someone you care about.

You deserve much better.

Life already has its fair share of challenges along the way.
The last thing that you need to handle is someone's mind-games on top of it all.

(I know what I say may be upsetting...but please, you deserve much better than that type of treatment from a "friend".)

 

[route95]

No you definitely expressed everything I have thought. It's just that I have no friends in real life and was thinking that one friend was better than none so I can have an excuse to leave the house. You're totally right. thanks for the insight

 

[Luna]

It's hard when you're inside the situation to see matters clearly...
I was almost caught into such a situation...
In all reality, I needed that outsider's perspective to help me gain a better insight on my circumstances...
And for me, it did help...

I wish people were more direct in their intentions...
Because of such manipulative behaviours, I find it hard to trust...
I refuse to wear my heart on my sleeve...

But in the end, better to be alone than to be with bad company...
I hope you do find that true friend...
Even if that wait is a long wait, it will have been worth it...

For starters though, you have us...

---

And on another note, a lot of people will tolerate such behaviours...
For fear of loneliness...
Though not many will admit it...
I can see the unhappiness, the anguish that they go through day to day...
Such manipulative people, don't deserve anyone's time of day...
Stay strong and be proud...

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

it's up to you really. it sounds like you have romantic feelings towards him.. and pretty strong ones if you cried when you found out he has a gf.. so i doubt you could be friends with him without putting yourself through a constant emotional rollercoaster that will just deplete your energy.. i would keep my distance.

you two have a long history.. i don't know the particulars of what happened and why you were not in touch for a year.. maybe he knew that some space was needed between the two of you.. especially if he knew how you felt about him and he didn't want to take it any further.. it is possible that he does value your friendship to some extent (hard to determine exactly how much without details) as you say that it was MOSTLY his decision.. so a part of it was yours too i gather.

if you're still yearning for him in a romantic way it will be VERY difficult to maintain a platonic relationship.. i would say that it isn't impossible to redefine a relationship that was once intimate and create a friendship that can have positive effects.. you just have to be true to yourself and know that there may never be the kind of relationship with this guy that you want..

 

[route95]

Thank you so much for your input. It is so great to finally get some thoughtful feedback (albeit I didn't give a lot of details) on this problem. I really appreciate it.

I am still torn obviously because when I missed him this past year it wasn't on a romantic level. I missed him as a friend and only a friend. However, I realize that an attempt to be close with someone again while I still have feelings is really difficult and dangerous.

I will have a lot of thinking to do it seems.

 

[Ridin Solo]

Forget about him, cut all ties... concentrate on the future... look forward to the time when you'll met a guy who'll reciprocate your feelings. It's simple advice and easier said than done but after a time it works, I know all too well.

 

[route95]

Forget about him, cut all ties... concentrate on the future... look forward to the time when you'll met a guy who'll reciprocate your feelings. It's simple advice and easier said than done but after a time it works, I know all too well.

If it only that I had romantic feelings I'd cut my losses and run, but the reason why I am so torn is that he was the closest friend I ever had in my life. I have no friends in the area and having one that knows everything about me would make a world of a difference.

 

[Aedammair]

I hate falling for the best friend. Don't be too harsh on this guy girls. honestly. He sounds like me. Maybe its just interpretation. If this guy is anything like me then he is still crazy about you but has finally resigned himself that you are "untouchable". He thinks that you both willl be forever in the friendzone and the best thing for the both of you is he tries to move on.
The only reason why I try and evade my "best friends" is because I don't want to ruin our friendship with my feelings and I don't want to see the guilt that lights their eyes because they don't want to make me feel like a stalker. I don't want them to be uncomfortable hugging their boyfriend because I am there. One of my "best friends" unknowingly dating one of my friends(Not a close friend. Neither of them are aware). Whenever I see my other "best friend" one of my enemies is there flirting with her to the point that I leave before I hurt him.
I may be wrong. I don't think like most guys. Doubt many guys on this site do. I don't know of anything either of you could do while remaining true to yourselves.
You could observe how he acts with his girlfriend. When he is with her does he ever shoot glances at you? When he is with her and you join the group does he change his posture to focus on you or does his posture focus towards the girl. Judge these things for yourself. He may be a Jerk trying to make himself feel better by knowing that you like him. I don't know. The variables are endless.
Remember that you can still be friends with him without dating him. If you do decide that he is not right for you then stick to your decision. Don't second guess yourself. Don't let your feelings trap you into feeling like he is the only one. He's not. If he is not interested in you then that's his problem. You are worth more than he is. Don't let your feelings for this guy ruin your life. There are billions of guys out there. Chances are that one of them is going to go crazy once he meets you. Put yourself out there and find him.


Wish I could be more help

Aedammair

 

[route95]

Thank you for your valuable insight. I really appreciate it. For now I'm just working on our friendship and generally avoid talking about his gf. The little I've heard though is that things have been rocky for a while, but I know that doesn't mean anything in terms of him and me. I'm not gunna tell him how I feel and suffer in silence but I know I am eternally grateful to have him back in my life.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Hmmmm....sounds like familar territory for me.
I can't tell you what to do or what not to do.
There's no right or wrong. Relationship changes. Life changes.
As someone stated..BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.

I love Michelle very, very much and I'm not afraid to tell her that I love her very much.
I refuse to live in fears or live through anymore regrets.....
I'm done with lying to myself or trying to live of what other people think whats best for me....
I've always loved her. She's the love of my life.
I tried stopping loving her or moving on with my life...It didn't work.
I don't know whats going to happen tommorrow.
I'm not sure about many things in life nor I have all the answers.
Onething I'm possitively sure of anything in this life is that I love Michelle very, very much. This I know.
I tell her I love her every chance I get...everyday. She knows I love her as I've always had...
I'm not going to feel ashame nor guilty for loving her...
She tried to put me in the friendzone.
Nope, I don't belong there. I'm too in love with her and I love her with every bones in my body....
Besides....I've given her plenty of hickies becuase she stole my heart
We're actaully better friends today than we were married...Friendship is good.

 

[route95]

Hmmmm....sounds like familar territory for me.
I can't tell you what to do or what not to do.
There's no right or wrong. Relationship changes. Life changes.
As someone stated..BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.

I love Michelle very, very much and I'm not afraid to tell her that I love her very much.
I refuse to live in fears or live through anymore regrets.....
I'm done with lying to myself or trying to live of what other people think whats best for me....
I've always loved her. She's the love of my life.
I tried stopping loving her or moving on with my life...It didn't work.
I don't know whats going to happen tommorrow.
I'm not sure about many things in life nor I have all the answers.
Onething I'm possitively sure of anything in this life is that I love Michelle very, very much. This I know.
I tell her I love her every chance I get...everyday. She knows I love her as I've always had...
I'm not going to feel ashame nor guilty for loving her...
She tried to put me in the friendzone.
Nope, I don't belong there. I'm too in love with her and I love her with every bones in my body....
Besides....I've given her plenty of hickies becuase she stole my heart
We're actaully better friends today than we were married...Friendship is good.

man, I wish he was as in love with me as you are with your girl! haha you seem very sweet and passionate. She is a lucky woman!

Unfortunately he is very hard to read. While he said he thought of me often and missed me and "kept coming back" etc. He made it seem like it was only in a platonic way. I wish I could say I can tell he's lying, but I can't.

Deep down I know I'd love to be with him and I know I love him very much and such. I think I could handle being friends for now...I hope.

He promises he'll bring me rum and we'll hang out during his holiday vacation later this month. Hopefully things will be fun and natural. I guess I can really use the time to gauge my feelings and comfortability with him. I just hope I don't get my hopes up. =X