Anyone here over 30/40ish to chat with?

[one lonely guy]

While I do love exchanging ideas with everyone here in their teens and twenties, I'm looking to get in touch with some in the over-30/40ish crowd to discuss issues that may be more relevant in our lives.

There's loneliness due to family deaths, loss of spouse, divorce/relationship breakup, family estrangement, and senior isolation, very few of which seem to be covered in the threads I've noticed.

Post here, or feel free to email/PM.
It would be nice to know we're not completely alone.
olg

(PS The big ones for me are family deaths - zero family here - and estrangement from the few remaining extended relatives.)

 

[Bluey]

I am in my mid 30s but I don't think I can relate to any of that. See I never had a spouse so never been divorced. The only close ppl that have died to me are grandparents and I only remember one of them well.

I do know what isolation feels like though and on a grand scale Yea it sucks.

I do say in my profile but ye I have been alone and living alone now for 14 years and am only 34. Don't ever see that changing. Something deep with in side my self tells me that well always be the same for has long has I walk this earth.

I know you probably seen the polls in this forum that tell what age group every one is here but let me tell you I know for a fact that there is a lot moor older ppl around here then what it appears to be. The older peeps just don't post has much.

I do think that its important both for teens and for the older ppl to have a place like this. Even though both categories of ppl face the same problems but in very different ways.

Loneliness and isolation are terrible things for anyone but when you have known long term loneliness and from quite a young age (not just cos your 80 and had your partner pass away witch is normal) it opens an entirely another can of worms.

I think if you keep looking on here you well find someone of smiler age that well wont to mail with you about this things that you menchen not just what I have talked about here.

 

[scotsgirl]

I am in my 40's. I think Bluey is right, some older people don't tend to post so much. I have always found people here kind and helpful but, for me the age thing definately stops me posting.

Loved the expression "senior isolation"

 

[Naleena]

(PS The big ones for me are family deaths - zero family here - and estrangement from the few remaining extended relatives.)

((((((((((((((Lonely Guy)))))))))))))))))))))
I am sorry for your losses. I had a man tell me once you never know what death is like until it comes to your house. He was talking of his wife that had died years ago. He kept her toothbrush in the bathroom and we would sit for hours as he recalled stories of her. Death seems so final sometimes. It's hard to lose a loved one. Time becomes so precious when you are aware of thier passing time here. It's difficult to realize that with every breath they take, it is one less than they will have. Then there is the sudden death where you don't get to say goodbye. I think those are the harder ones though I had a doctor disagree with me once on that. Unfortunately, we don't always live our lives consciously by realizing that every moment is a gift and the most precious thing in this life is our relationships. But alas, that is how we human beings are at times.
I don't know how you lost your loved ones, but, I do know it can be very painful and it takes so long to heal and do your grief work. I have lost three friends so far in my life and I miss them and think of them and even dream of them from time to time. I like to think they are with us and we can still talk to them. We keep them alive inside. As long as you have your memories of the people you love, they remain. I have a song for you. I hope it doesn't make you sad. It always makes me cry. It's one of the most beautiful songs ever sung. So here is to the memory of those we love, to life, to living in the moment, to being playful, to crying, and to growing older and wiser. To learning to love more and careing less about things that don't matter. Wear the world as a lose garment.

[youtube]PtS45bh_INY[/youtube]

 

[one lonely guy]

Thanks Bluey, scotsgirl, and Naleena.
Still not sure why the older crowd here doesn't post. I'm way over the average here.

Naleena,
Thanks for your understanding post. The deaths (brother, father, mother, in that order) were in a 3yr period over 10yr ago now. The grief component has been largely processed (though never overcome), but the isolation and disconnectedness to any sense of family continues.
To some extent 2 people have sort of 'adopted' me (figuratively) as family, but of course it's never the same.

Then there is the sudden death where you don't get to say goodbye. I think those are the harder ones though I had a doctor disagree with me once on that.

I have mixed feelings on that myself.

Unfortunately, we don't always live our lives consciously by realizing that every moment is a gift and the most precious thing in this life is our relationships.

Every day I age, I am more aware of the preciousness of every day. Health concerns make one even more conscious of it.

I don't know how you lost your loved ones

Brother and father were self-inflicted, but my mom survived them another year despite her frailty. Her loss was the really painful one that produced a sense of complete abandonment for me. Almost more painful than her death was the fact that remaining semi-local relatives and local 'friends' disconnected from me immediately following her death.

I have lost three friends so far in my life and I miss them and think of them and even dream of them from time to time. I like to think they are with us and we can still talk to them. We keep them alive inside.

So it is with my mother. Dreams of my family persist. Regrettably, many of the dreams involve me waking up believing she is alive or that I've just saved her from death. A few seconds after waking, the grim reality sinks in again. My brother (10yr my senior) was to be my help in all this, but he succumbed to severe depression.

As long as you have your memories of the people you love, they remain. I have a song for you. I hope it doesn't make you sad. It always makes me cry.

Thank you.
We all have a few songs that are connected in some way to those we lost. I often hear them again, but don't really seek them out.
olg

 

[Minus]

Brother and father were self-inflicted, but my mom survived them another year despite her frailty. Her loss was the really painful one that produced a sense of complete abandonment for me. Almost more painful than her death was the fact that remaining semi-local relatives and local 'friends' disconnected from me immediately following her death.

I am sorry to hear that. My brothers death was also self-inflicted, though my father died of natural causes. My mother is still alive but i know the loss of her will give me the feeling of "complete abandonment" that you speak of. The only other relative that made any effort to maintain contact was an uncle who passed away a number of years ago.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

yeah...I'm an old fart

yeah...if you lived as long as I have. You get to experince
death, relationship break up, family issues, career changes..etc

Then again..I experinced alot of wonderful events in my life also.
Birth my of child, raising children, traveled, met many wonderful
people and places. I saw a lot of strange people and places too.

Experinced alot of mind blowing events that just dosn't make anysence
or fits nicely into a jig saw puzzle.

And of course I had sex anywhere and everywhere.

This past year had been mind blowing. Never in a million years did i ever imagined myself talking to dead woman.
A long term relationship break up. My grandmother died , then Jenni died a month after that.
Bad things comes in threes...so they say...IDK where the heck people come up with sayings as such.
Never did I imagine myself losing faith.
Never in a million years did i imagined or made plans to move back in with my parents at my age.
Never did i imagine not having a job after working for a company for more than 17 years.
I felt disconnected from everything and everyone.

Whats really a trip is...I'm going through everything clean an sober.
Mind blowing , gut wrenching, and not for the faint of hearts.
When I'm happy..I'm truely happy
When I'm sad I'm truly sad
Keeping it real....Keeping my life real for whatever it is...

 

[one lonely guy]

I am sorry to hear that. My brothers death was also self-inflicted, though my father died of natural causes.

Likewise I'm sorry to hear this.
My stories on the deaths are loooong (as I'm sure are yours), but not appropriate for the forum, plus, I've processed much of the stuff, so regurgitation would be counterproductive.

The only other relative that made any effort to maintain contact was an uncle who passed away a number of years ago.

Though I have 3 cousins 2hr from here, 2 in Manitoba, 1 in BC, & an uncle in BC, only 1 Manitoba cousin ever calls or cares.

 

[GHOSTNYOURMIST]

Another old timer here.
I've been kicked in the teeth by life a time or two so I know where you are coming from.
I've delt with the "Ghosts" of the past and the uncertainty of the future as well.

*Passes the Geritol*

 

[one lonely guy]

Thanks all. Glad you're out there.
I'm going through some medical sh** at the moment. Will be back ~Wed. for replies.
olg

 

[Lonesome Crow]

will...both of my parents are doing okay or functioning for the moment.
They both have thier medical conditions.
Both are intering thier retirements and the econamic conditions
is ******* up their retirement plans.

My mother has crazy allergies so she has to take pills
up the ass . I know it wears on her..
She had to go under the knive a while back to get a tumor
remove from her...that messed with my mind a little bit.
she lives a heathier life style than I do...She stays busy with
her work and go out all the time with her friends.

My dad have been trying to get sober for the past year.
He has a lot of physical pains from a work related injury.
He's knees and hips are messed up...He gose to the gym
twice a day everyday, just so he can deal with the honeysuckle.
Somedays hes just in total pain and there' not much we
can do.
Errr...., but he plays and sing in a ROCK/BLUES band and play gigs all the time...
Wtf ....Dad rocks out more than I do

Bascailly i feel almost like a care taker at the moment..
Not totally into cooking and cleaning everything yet.
I do bascailly all the labor intensive chores around the house.
Dad just asked me yesterday if I can re do the roof the entire house...wtf ????
Will ..YES dad, I'm the jack of all trades...I mean the ultimatejackstand.lmao
Every other friday night..I'm like dad's roadie..
It's a good thing he dosn't use walls of mashall...lmao
My **** marshall stacks are in storage..he'll give the eye every so often...lol
No...dad...fresia that, I'm not hauling those **** stacks everywhere.
FFS dad....ya ask me to repair the Ovation the other day...that's my god **** guitar
ya been playing at your gigs, btw..dad.lol

fresia that...I'm not sending my parents to the old, old, old folks
home...I worked at one when I was a kid.

I'm relatively a healthy young man...(knock on wood..lol)...still.
I don't have any medical conditions that I know of.....Maybe just a little messed up in the head...lmao
Maybe I'm actaully going through middle age crises this time and it has nothing to do with phyco bitches....

 

[wolfshadow]

In less than a month, I hit 32. Not by any stretch of the imagination an advanced age but because I have yet to figure out a way to improve my social skills on a consistant basis, I don't feel quite ready for this stage of my life, if that makes any sense.

 

[Bluey]

That makes sense. Am 34 and I still don't feel ready for my 30s

 

[Minus]

I'm going through some medical sh** at the moment.

I hope that you are okay and it is nothing serious.

 

[Minus]

...because I have yet to figure out a way to improve my social skills on a consistant basis, I don't feel quite ready for this stage of my life, if that makes any sense.

Maybe that explains why i feel at times that i am stuck at another age.

 

[one lonely guy]

I'm going through some medical sh** at the moment.

I hope that you are okay and it is nothing serious.

Not in the immediate sense.
Just a major drug side-effects problem. Problem is, without it I'm screwed, & with it I'm screwed, so I'm having to do some major research. The doc took me off it (for now), thank gawd.

Welcome, all you 30-somethings to the thread. I wish! I hit another 50-something this month. I'm not totally happy about it, to be sure, but how much choice do I have!?

I get along well with young and old, just often not with my own age. Thankfully I have one very young friend (and daughter) who's like family - I have none to speak of anywhere near. I feel we've 'adopted' each other, which is a really great feeling.

In younger years I didn't do many of the things I'd wished I had (not enough time), and now am limited (by not enough money). So be it. One makes the best of it.
olg

 

[Naleena]

Brother and father were self-inflicted, but my mom survived them another year despite her frailty. Her loss was the really painful one that produced a sense of complete abandonment for me. Almost more painful than her death was the fact that remaining semi-local relatives and local 'friends' disconnected from me immediately following her death.

(((((((((((((((Lonely Guy))))))))))))))))
Suicide is one of the hardest things sometimes for survivors to go through. I cared a lot about someone who commited suicide and for the longest time I kept thinking that if I had done this or that, maybe he would still be here. Maybe I could have helped him in some way. The fact that we weren't talking at the time didn't help things. He was a good man who gave up to soon. People who commit suicide are so overwhelmed with pain that they can't see thier way out of it. They lack the support they need to get through the crisis. It doesn't mean that they aren't loved, just that they lack the skills to cope. Their reality is skewed by the pain and it's hard for them to see the good things in life. The hardest thing besides blaming myself for not having tried to contact him earlier was the fact that I never got closure. I didn't get to say goodbye. I always hold him in my heart and I have said my goodbyes. I have also dreamed of him. I dreamed I was lying in bed and there were angels around me-guides, if you will. I got up and suddenly was standing on one side of a stream and on the other side was beautiful green grass and a few houses (like the ones in medieval times with grass roofs) I crossed over to the other side and there he stood. I was surprised and asked if it was him. He came over to me and we hugged each other. He invited me into his house and when we entered I saw myself, sleeping there. It was almost like sleeping beauty who had eaten the apple. I was viewing myself deeply asleep and I knew inside it would be a long time before I woke up. It was a great dream.

You mentioned that your family and friends disconnected from you when your mother passed away. It is not uncommon for this to happen when someone dies or when someone becomes sick with a terminal or serious illness. People don't know what to say or what to do and so they stay away. What do you tell someone who has lost three people in thier lives? I doubt they knew what it was you needed at that time. I am glad to hear that you are doing ok considering all that you have gone through. I understand that while you may heal your heart, there will always be that scar there. There will always be sadness at some point. Your life didn't end but, it most certainly changed. I hope one day that you find someone to care for you and who will be there for you. I will keep you in my thoughts.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I'm going through some medical sh** at the moment.

I hope that you are okay and it is nothing serious.

Not in the immediate sense.
Just a major drug side-effects problem. Problem is, without it I'm screwed, & with it I'm screwed, so I'm having to do some major research. The doc took me off it (for now), thank gawd.

Welcome, all you 30-somethings to the thread. I wish! I hit another 50-something this month. I'm not totally happy about it, to be sure, but how much choice do I have!?

I get along well with young and old, just often not with my own age. Thankfully I have one very young friend (and daughter) who's like family - I have none to speak of anywhere near. I feel we've 'adopted' each other, which is a really great feeling.

In younger years I didn't do many of the things I'd wished I had (not enough time), and now am limited (by not enough money). So be it. One makes the best of it.
olg

Even thou I got clean and sober at 22...I still attend meetings.
Without drugs...I'm screwie. With drugs..I'm screwier
The side effects of drugs for me is...I'll break out in a rash of insanity.lol
Not that I'm totally sane to begin with.lmao
It's 12 steps stuff...I still can't wrap my head around the god stuff
after all these years...but i belive I'm better off with the program.
I'm still screwed...but i feel less screwed.lol

It's far from perfect and the fellowship at times seem to give me ****
problems than what it's worth. Never less it takes me out of isolation
and I get the love and support I need. It reminds me of this forum
actaully...lmao It's just transfer in real life.

There's livng tools or coping skill I've learn over the years. I just have to apply them.
Sometimes a part of me wants run away of all the BS of life.I can't do that anymore.
There's not another detox in me.
The last one almost killed me...or felt like I was going to die

I'm having a rough enough time detoxing from a toxic relationship
enouhg as it is.I feel like a part of me is dying now. (the toxic part.lol)

Anyway, i woke up with some toxics thoughts and feelings today.
Bascailly I felt like honeysuckle
I caught myself or was awear of it. Then I read a lttle list i made
to myself. Then finally play my guitar for an hour...doing something
positive for myself, doing something good for me.
Now I'm just going to do more reading. Such as things I can do to
love myself. Positive stuff.
Then I'm going to do more good stuff for myself...
It might not seem much...but i can't afford to slide backwards or
go into my depression..becuase it'll be even worst if i do.

It's a committment I'm making to myself (the adult version. lmao)...I need to do something good for me
whether i feel like it or not...Whether I think i don't have the time or energy.
it other words...tryig to be responsible for my life and desciplining myself....
Gee Weezzz, it's a good thing all my kids are grown up now.
I would never hear the end of lack of responsibilties from those little brats..

I know i can't help anyone if I'm not good myself.
Getting my priorities straight sort of speak.

 

[one lonely guy]

Even thou I got clean and sober at 22...I still attend meetings.
Without drugs...I'm screwie. With drugs..I'm screwier
The side effects of drugs for me is...I'll break out in a rash of insanity.lol
Not that I'm totally sane to begin with.lmao
It's 12 steps stuff...I still can't wrap my head around the god stuff
after all these years...but i belive I'm better off with the program.
I'm still screwed...but i feel less screwed.lol

I'm into support meetings too, though not specifically addiction-related.
Just wanted to clarify (in case misunderstood) that the drug (med) I was referring to was prescription & non-psychopharmacological. Bad side-effects though. The drug companies (at worst) lie, or (at best) skew their stats in their favor. I'm replacing it with herbal stuff (which may or may not work, but I'll know in a few months).

It's far from perfect and the fellowship at times seem to give me ****
problems than what it's worth. Never less it takes me out of isolation
and I get the love and support I need.

Same here.

Sometimes a part of me wants run away of all the BS of life.I can't do that anymore.

Yep, BS is here to stay.

I'm having a rough enough time detoxing from a toxic relationship

Been there.

Bascailly I felt like honeysuckle
I caught myself or was awear of it. Then I read a lttle list i made
to myself.

I keep a list of things to be thankful for on the fridge, for when everything seems bleak.

Keep up the good work on yourself. Even with all of life's BS, it's so worth it. We just need to do a lot of filtering.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Keep up the good work on yourself. Even with all of life's BS, it's so worth it. We just need to do a lot of filtering.

Thanks ...you do the same.

I think my filter is clogged.lol
Perhaps I'll just intall a new one. Imagine that... I had a moment of clerity or insite.
I never thought of putting in a new filter before or just cleaning out the old filter...

Maybe that's what I'm doing is cleaning the filter by practicing loving myself at the core again...
Yeah..that's what it feels like..the darn dirt and grime of living is sort of falling off of me.
I never thought of it like that before...thanks.