VanillaCreme said:
One would think that you need to bed every breathing woman you see by how you sound sometimes. There's nothing wrong with having a friend.
No, that's exactly the problem. Most women don't appeal to me, hence I am not okay with just anyone. Either the looks, the intelligence, the passion, the charm, or some combination of those traits is just not there. That's why it's so crucial that I get through to the few who actually have the combination of traits that I find exciting. That's why "just moving on" to me won't solve my problem, because all there is to move on to are women I don't find exciting, and I'd only be going through the motions.
Alonewith2cats said:
You don't have to be friends with your love interest. What about the people you're not romantically interested in? By the way, this includes both genders and does not discriminate. Surely there must be someone you like as a friend and don't want to bone whether it's a man or a woman.
I only have male friends and I don't want a relationship/sex with them because I am not interested in sex with men. I have female acquaintances but like I said, there's always something missing with them, something that I can put my finger on and define - looks, intelligence, no passion, few to no shared interests, they don't stoke my curiosity or fascination, not exciting enough, or many things that just aren't there. It's always at least looks and one or more of the rest. You could ask me why I wouldn't want to date/sleep with any one of them and I would have a concrete answer.
Alonewith2cats said:
I also see my male friend as a man and I believe he sees me as a woman. There are things about him I find attractive which is why I'm friends with him. I love hanging out with him, I adore him even, I just don't want to do the nasty with him.
That's another thing I don't get. That girl I am interested in, she commented positively on my looks before and she even asked me about what I'd think of her trying to turn me on. She did say she'd sleep with me. And the thing is, she was the one who brought it up in the first place. I don't know why one would even bother talking about it if they never ever would even consider it. There's no point. I don't talk to my female acquaintances about it because their answer doesn't matter, it would be a waste of time to discuss it.
Mr.YellowCat said:
Its sometimes hard when you are alone long time. There are a lot of things a friend may never give you, and sex is the last thing I´m talking about.
Some may have many friends, and they hope that for someone, they will be someone more. That, as one poster above said, someone will see them as a man (or as a woman in the case of opposite gender), an as someone they think is special enough to be with, and share oneself with. This may get harder to bare as we see people around us being those special someones for someone other, and after a while, questions like "are they better?" "Is something wrong with me for people not to want me?" "Is it really just bad luck? After all this time?" start to arise. That frustrates one even more.
There is a saying in my country. To offer friendship to someone seeking love, is like offering bread to someone thirsty.
Yes, this is what I'm getting at here. All I can think of is that I must be doing something wrong, communicating something wrong for this to keep happening. I know what I want in a woman so it's not like I'm approaching the wrong girls, with which I have no overlapping interests at all. And these aren't people that I can't hold a 15 minute long conversation with either. I used to talk to them almost daily for hours, about things that went way deeper than small talk. But for some reason though, I consistently fail to attract the women I want. I get as far as "friends", but I can't break through to the next level.
So like you said, it leads to constantly asking myself, what's wrong with me for this to keep happening. I'm either doing something unattractive, or I'm not doing something attractive, or both. I have enough to talk to them, but something is keeping them from seeing me as special enough. I think dating is a lot like a job interview. Credentials help, but it also matters a great deal what you say and how you carry yourself, and if you say the right words and present yourself in the right way, the interviewer may give you the job even if you don't have all the credentials because you have convinced them that you can do the job and you can do it well and they may even be so convinced they'll start you at a higher rate than most people would have started at. Similarly, even if you have the credentials but you present yourself poorly, you could very well mess up the interview and not get the job.
But what really gets me is that you really can get the job if you present yourself in the right way, and that's why it's so hard for me to "move on". Because I know I could have done it if only I came across as the man for the job, if only I was presenting myself a little bit differently. Different word choices, different attitudes, and so on. I know what "not connecting" with someone is, that's where you can't talk to a person at all because you have just nothing at all to say, there's no overlap at all. That's not what this is. I'm messing up my interview somehow.
I know I don't have all the credentials so I can't carry myself on credentials alone. And I think I must also be saying the wrong things, presenting myself poorly somehow because I keep communicating that I'm not worth more than "just friends", even though I don't mean to. The other thing I notice is that I've never been able to attract anyone. I mean, I'm 28 years old. Most people my age have had at least one relationship. I know it's not my looks that have girls running away - I'm not saying I'm the best looking guy ever but I do get some compliments sometimes and not only that, it's more like, I know I'm not that bad that looks are my main problem. And conversation/"meshing" isn't a problem either. We have interests in common. So it must be something else and I'm willing to bet it's a combination of things, because there's usually never just one reason why something bad happens.