Appreciating Platonic Relationships

[Ymir]

Oh I know I'm different when it comes to dating! I think it has to do with the fact that I like being a loner, I've mentioned I have one "friend" and she lives 1000 miles away East so we only email once a week or so and it's fine with me. I was alone for so long and didn't have a good experience with friends, so I let them go, and for me, it was a good thing. So the only thing I sought was romance because my goal was a relationship with a man. I was flying a little blind from inexperience but I guess my method worked because we started off as lovers and are now inseparable best friends and lovers.

But you know, my method was different too. I chose internet dating. I was able to read profiles, get answers to questions, chat safely from home, weed out the ones I didn't think wanted more than just sex, then actually meet for a date to see if the guy was who he represented himself to be. This was how I met guys whose goals were the same as mine vis-a-vis a romantic long-term relationship. Of course over a year's time, I met a lot of men who were on all ends of the spectrum and I finally did meet someone compatible, but it took a lot of time and effort for me. And I'll be VERY honest here, affection, romance and sex are extremely important to me. I learned all about his hobbies, interests, work, family, personality etc...from his profile, from chatting and from talking for hours on the first few dates so I got the feeling he had good potential as a mate/companion, so I didn't need to spend a lot of time developing a friendship that I surmised would naturally progress during our dating. Maybe that's why I sought out the lust before the friendship because it was a question mark, would we be romantically and sexually compatible as well was my question.

I can see how getting to know someone first as friends makes more sense for some people. I just have a different way of doing things, I think as long as your method works, there's no knocking it. But I also think that if it isn't working, maybe to try something new isn't so bad either.

Totally! I'm not trying to say mine's better or anything. It's just how it goes for me, like it goes differently for you. I can safely say a lot of other people think like you which can be a pain in the ass for people like me who need to be friends first hahaha.

But like everyone's free to have their own preferences so...

 

[Pike Creek]

Agh. I just hate how it's so final, though. One strike and you're out, as a man, you're basically dead to her. What if a person went away for a while and came back later? Could that erase the "just friends" barrier and give them a chance to try again?

You're not alone, there exists the one-strike-you're-out with women too. You're not exactly dead to the person, they just don't want to pursue romance with you. If your goal is a relationship, then I can see moving on quickly to the next opportunity. But if you truly like the girl, being friends can be fulfilling as well. My friend Steve knew nothing would progress romantically because we had that discussion. I was very happy that he wanted to continue being my friend because we got along so well and shared so many of the same hobbies.

As for disappearing for a while, distance makes the heart grow fonder is a saying right? People change with time, maturity, experience etc...if you went away and met her again later on in life, who's to say it won't work out? But again, it might not either, it's a risk.

That makes sense. I find it hard to relate to a girly-girl but I'm wanting an at least somewhat feminine woman. Idk where I stand on the masculine spectrum either. I mean, I don't watch sports but I play them sometimes with friends. I like cars and beer and rock 'n roll. But I also like to read and have a creative side. And I like animals. And I like to be more gentle and friendly rather than confrontational or looking to dominate other people. And I don't go around acting "hard", adopting a thuggish persona. I also manage to have fun without breaking the law, I don't think it's worth the risk and there really aren't that many illegal things I'd be remotely interested in anyway. I don't know.

Every woman's definition of "manly" is subjective. I can only speak for myself. When I say I want my man to look and act manly, I mean I don't want him wearing makeup and wearing his greasy hair down to his ass. I want him to treat me with respect and be chivalrous... I'm the type who appreciates a man who insists he walk on the outside of the sidewalk, a gentleman. I want him to be strong for me, though I'm quite independent, when he pulls me in his arms and holds me, I feel his strength, but he's not a body builder, so what I mean by strength is I feel he is taking care of me. He doesn't like beer, sports, cars or rock and roll. He has a wonderful creative side and loves animals too. I'd run screaming if he acted "thuggish" and hard. I'm confounded by your definition of what a man should be. It sounds like you're describing any foolish Hollywood man-boy who is only getting girls because he's rich and famous. In the real world yes, there are shallow women who only seek money and fame - for some reason it excites them. But the majority of girls seek a man who they can trust and count on, laugh with, enjoy their company and of course feel safe, sexy, loved, wanted and needed by.

But these are all opinions. Everyone is different. I know I'm very different from a lot of women, especially women my age. I don't go for family/kids/marriage...and I'm with a guy 20 years younger than me. I sometimes want sex more than he does. But I'm also a proud little homemaker who loves house chores, cooking and crafts. I'm happy with just him in my life and I don't feel the need to go out of the home to have fun.

---

Totally! I'm not trying to say mine's better or anything. It's just how it goes for me, like it goes differently for you. I can safely say a lot of other people think like you which can be a pain in the ass for people like me who need to be friends first hahaha.

But like everyone's free to have their own preferences so...

Lol...yes, and you friendship seekers...geez, can we hop in the sack already??? Just kidding...dating is so hard, because lots of people hide their true intentions and it's like a puzzle trying to figure out if they are interested or not. Some people can be happy just being platonic friends, but in my own case, I wasn't seeking only friendship so that wouldn't have satisfied me. But who knows, maybe I'll find a good friendship soon and find the value in it again.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I want to find someone I can be more than friends with as well. But I do find it good for me to to enjoy friendships in the meantime while I'm waiting for the person who I'm going to want to be more than friends with to come along. The alternative is no relationships at all. Friendships are relationships without sex and romance and I think we all need them in our lives.

Some people stick with their own gender when it comes to these platonic relationships/friendships. To me that is too limiting. I don't believe that gender should be a barrier to choosing friends. I personally like to have both male and female friends. I find this much more satisfying. Why? Because they both have something different to offer. It adds variety and sparkle. It can be a gateway to something more either by friendship growing into love (you never know, sometimes people who initially never would have considered dating bond as they spend time together but don't expect it) or maybe you meet someone through your friends (this can happen through either gender) but it doesn't have to happen because friendship has value in itself.

 

[TheSkaFish]

If your goal is a relationship, then I can see moving on quickly to the next opportunity. But if you truly like the girl, being friends can be fulfilling as well.

I truly like her, but I have neither the need nor the want for another friend. I have friends already, I don't really need any more. The "girlfriend" position is what I'm looking to fill. Unfortunately, I didn't have what I needed to have when I needed to have it, so I can safely say it's all downhill from here. Those girls had something special about them that most just don't have. That's why it frustrates me so much when people say "move on" - because there's no one to move on to, that I would actually be interested in instead of just being with them because that's all who's left.

As for disappearing for a while, distance makes the heart grow fonder is a saying right? People change with time, maturity, experience etc...if you went away and met her again later on in life, who's to say it won't work out? But again, it might not either, it's a risk.

I guess that's the only option. It is very risky indeed but it's my only hope and the alternatives are just that much worse.

Every woman's definition of "manly" is subjective. I can only speak for myself. When I say I want my man to look and act manly, I mean I don't want him wearing makeup and wearing his greasy hair down to his ass. I want him to treat me with respect and be chivalrous... I'm the type who appreciates a man who insists he walk on the outside of the sidewalk, a gentleman. I want him to be strong for me, though I'm quite independent, when he pulls me in his arms and holds me, I feel his strength, but he's not a body builder, so what I mean by strength is I feel he is taking care of me. He doesn't like beer, sports, cars or rock and roll. He has a wonderful creative side and loves animals too. I'd run screaming if he acted "thuggish" and hard. I'm confounded by your definition of what a man should be. It sounds like you're describing any foolish Hollywood man-boy who is only getting girls because he's rich and famous. In the real world yes, there are shallow women who only seek money and fame - for some reason it excites them. But the majority of girls seek a man who they can trust and count on, laugh with, enjoy their company and of course feel safe, sexy, loved, wanted and needed by.

But these are all opinions. Everyone is different. I know I'm very different from a lot of women, especially women my age. I don't go for family/kids/marriage...and I'm with a guy 20 years younger than me. I sometimes want sex more than he does. But I'm also a proud little homemaker who loves house chores, cooking and crafts. I'm happy with just him in my life and I don't feel the need to go out of the home to have fun.

Well I have to say, I wish more women thought like you. I would agree with your definition of masculine. It's too bad more women don't think that way. Maybe it's a maturity issue.

 

[Pike Creek]

Well Skafish, that's the thing, it's your choice to move on or not. I personally didn't want a platonic friendship so I very quickly moved on, but that's my character. I'm of the mindset that I refuse to waste my time and energy on lamenting over anyone. Life for me feels way too short and I regret that I wasted a lot of it, so I won't sob over what could have been. For you things are different. To move on, is to really try to allow yourself to date other girls, to find ways to meet other girls and not to keep comparing other girls to her. You may not be ready for that yet, so take your time, you do have time. But maybe one day you'll hit the proverbial rock bottom and feel the need to seek out someone new again.

I know that my tastes have changed as I've gotten more mature and had more life experience. When I was 20, I was a gym bunny and all I wanted to do was date a meathead...I was immature and dated for looks and lust only, now that type of guy just doesn't appeal to me. Of course, looks and lust are also important, but I my tastes now are a little more broadened.

This post is about platonic friendships, but I guess we all don't appreciate having them at one point or another in our lives. I did when I was younger though.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I don't want a platonic friendship either, not only am I deeply hurt by it but I just don't need it. I also don't want to waste time but I know we could connect on a deeper level if I fix myself up. We already used to talk for hours all the time. I don't want to date other girls because the excitement, the thrill just wouldn't be there. It wouldn't feel like a prize and I wouldn't be truly happy cause I'd feel like a loser for having to "move on". Like I wasn't stronger than my inexperience and self-doubt and now I don't get the real thing, merely the same boring stuff everyone else gets.

I know that my tastes have changed as I've gotten more mature and had more life experience. When I was 20, I was a gym bunny and all I wanted to do was date a meathead...I was immature and dated for looks and lust only, now that type of guy just doesn't appeal to me. Of course, looks and lust are also important, but I my tastes now are a little more broadened.

See that's what gives me hope. When I met her I wasn't really date worthy - I was good enough to talk to but also accidentally came across as a pansy. My inexperience and self-doubt got in the way. But maybe later on her tastes will change as she matures and at the same time I'll work out my unattractive issues and she could come around.

 

[Case]

This post is about platonic friendships, but I guess we all don't appreciate having them at one point or another in our lives. I did when I was younger though.

I'm not sure why platonic friendships would be a problem since being friends with someone means you have someone to laugh with, have fun with, and experience life with. You just don't have sex.

I won't have sex with my platonic friends, but these friendships have lasted longer than almost every sexual relationship I've had. So, to me, they are quite valuable.

 

[Pike Creek]

I'm not sure why platonic friendships would be a problem since being friends with someone means you have someone to laugh with, have fun with, and experience life with. You just don't have sex.

I won't have sex with my platonic friends, but these friendships have lasted longer than almost every sexual relationship I've had. So, to me, they are quite valuable.

Well, like I've said for ME, I don't like having friends therefore platonic friendships are just not an interest to me. I'm much happier alone. But..I still wanted to share my life with someone in a romantic way. In my world, there is only room for one person and I'm truly happy that way. I get all that you mentioned, laughing, fun, experiencing life etc...being with my bf. And I experienced all of that alone before I met him, except I longed for romance and sex. So, platonic friendships are not problem for me per se, it's just my preference not to have any. I know most people won't understand this because they don't experience the world through my mind and eyes. Just like I don't understand why people feel the need to be social animals. It's a difference of opinion and chosen lifestyle I suppose.

 

[CHSlater]

As mentioned before, friendship isn't a thing to be underrated. I mean, it sure means that someone genuinely likes your personality. But it isn't fair to at least accept one's frustration about getting rejected romantically. It once occurred to me when a girl I REALLY like made it clear that she doesn't want me as a bf, although I'm "one of the biggest bf material she's ever met". And not that I disagree, because I easily make friends everywhere I go and I'm hard worker, good looking, "intelligent" (it depends on the area of intelligence), and what most people know me for: I make everyone around me cracks up (both gender). All these things make people want to be my friend, both men and women.

The problem is, although being called as a "friend" is an act of love from the person to you, it's not in the same level as being called a "boy/girlfriend". And when it comes from a person that you are not very interested sexually/romantically in, it doesn't really bother you. But when you get reject from the person you want so badly, and worst, you see that person being in a relationship with someone else, it hurst because though you know that person likes you, she/he doesn't like you enough to go to the next level. Then you start thinking "what that guy/girl has that I don't?" "is he/she better than me?" "why did she/he prefered him/her instead of me if I have much more things in common and I clearly love him/her more?", because you can't deny that the person who entered the girl/guy you love life is in a higher level of intimacy than you, and it may even be the end of you relationship with that person the way it was. To me, it feels almost like being cheated, but I've well aware that I'm not in the position to demand anything from her.

Sorry for the confusing text, to make a long story short: you can have a healthy relationship with the opposite gender, but it's delicate when one side is lonely.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

As mentioned before, friendship isn't a thing to be underrated. I mean, it sure means that someone genuinely likes your personality. But it isn't fair to at least accept one's frustration about getting rejected romantically. It once occurred to me when a girl I REALLY like made it clear that she doesn't want me as a bf, although I'm "one of the biggest bf material she's ever met". And not that I disagree, because I easily make friends everywhere I go and I'm hard worker, good looking, "intelligent" (it depends on the area of intelligence), and what most people know me for: I make everyone around me cracks up (both gender). All these things make people want to be my friend, both men and women.

The problem is, although being called as a "friend" is an act of love from the person to you, it's not in the same level as being called a "boy/girlfriend". And when it comes from a person that you are not very interested sexually/romantically in, it doesn't really bother you. But when you get reject from the person you want so badly, and worst, you see that person being in a relationship with someone else, it hurst because though you know that person likes you, she/he doesn't like you enough to go to the next level. Then you start thinking "what that guy/girl has that I don't?" "is he/she better than me?" "why did she/he prefered him/her instead of me if I have much more things in common and I clearly love him/her more?", because you can't deny that the person who entered the girl/guy you love life is in a higher level of intimacy than you, and it may even be the end of you relationship with that person the way it was. To me, it feels almost like being cheated, but I've well aware that I'm not in the position to demand anything from her.

Sorry for the confusing text, to make a long story short: you can have a healthy relationship with the opposite gender, but it's delicate when one side is lonely.

But if you're not chosen romantically by the person you're interested then it wasn't meant to be and there is someone else for you. I feel we have the right to choose to be someone's friend and the other person has the right to choose for themselves whether or not they want to be friends back or not. The important thing is honesty. Never mislead a person into thinking you want to be more than friends if you don't.

Some people truly can't be friends with someone they're crushing on. I get that. But you won't crush on every opposite gender than comes into your life and that is a guarantee. I personally feel that if I like someone I would rather have the honor of friendship than no connection at all. It may be hard but I've done it before.

Regarding friendships between men and women, as much as I support them, I must say that some of these "just friends" connections I've had with the opposite sex in the past were not 100% platonic but they were still my friends, no doubt about it! We liked each other and enjoyed each others company, sexual tension just got a little bit in the way. LOL. Yes, it can be quite challenging to be platonic friends with the opposite sex if there is attraction. Maybe the best thing is to just be open, be open to anything from platonic friendships to close, physical friendships to love. Don't over think things and you never know what kind of experiences you will have.

 

[TheSkaFish]

But if you're not chosen romantically by the person you're interested then it wasn't meant to be and there is someone else for you.

This is the problem in my dating life. I'm attracted to girls that for some reason or another, I can't measure up to. I'd have to push myself to be on their level. They're energetic, deep, adventurous, playful, fascinating, and gorgeous and they'd inspire me to get new thoughts and ideas and adventures and stories, but I can't get through - platonic friendship is all I am afforded. I guess besides looks, I'm attracted to them because they represent the kind of person I WANT to be.

I know what kind of girls would be "right for me", but I'm just not physically attracted to or excited by these girls. They're nice people but just too normal and plain in appearance and character. They wouldn't push me to have new and exciting things to talk and think about, but instead I'd just be floating through life watching it go by. I feel trapped in this limbo, not good enough for the ones I want, but not interested in the ones that would give me the least resistance. What can I do when I don't want to be single for life, but don't want the ones that are "right for me" either?

 

[Case]

Let's try not to turn this into a "How can I get the women I want?" thread. There are many, many other threads with that same theme.

Platonic friendships to me are essential for my life. I am currently single, but when I am not, these platonic friends remain in my life, give me support like friends do, and are genuinely interested in me, as I am in them.

I can understand some of the problems. Some people think, for instance, that EVERY platonic friendship started with romance. Not true, at least in my life. There is also the issue of new lovers becoming jealous of your platonic friendships, thinking that men and women (as the When Harry Met Sally joke goes) cannot be friends. I have proved that this is nonsense. It might not work for some people, but it makes no sense to me that we should not have friendships with people of the opposite sex.

Your own mileage will vary, but for me, these friendships are my most important, and I would be delighted for more.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Let's try not to turn this into a "How can I get the women I want?" thread. There are many, many other threads with that same theme.

Well, it depends how you look at it. You may think platonic friendship is a good thing, but I view consistently getting platonic friendships from women with whom I'm looking for a romantic relationship as a sign of a problem. I'm the independent variable here, so it must be that I'm sending the wrong signals. It's not as if I'm intending to be just friends. I must be doing something incorrectly to consistently get the same undesirable result.

I don't believe in the whole "meant to be / not meant to be" thing either, because it's not like there is some kind of sorting at birth, "cool person", "dork", "winner", "loser", "talkative", "shy", "funny", "boring", whatever other category we think we belong to. Whoever we are is the result of our experiences and whoever we've believed ourselves into. And if I want a relationship with a certain kind of person, and I consistently can't get one, that means I need to change my identity because who I've made myself into isn't working - who I've made myself into, based on my thoughts and experiences, is only capable of getting platonic friendship from the women I consider desirable.

 

[Case]

Let's try not to turn this into a "How can I get the women I want?" thread. There are many, many other threads with that same theme.

Well, it depends how you look at it. You may think platonic friendship is a good thing, but I view consistently getting platonic friendships from women with whom I'm looking for a romantic relationship as a sign of a problem. I'm the independent variable here, so it must be that I'm sending the wrong signals. It's not as if I'm intending to be just friends. I must be doing something incorrectly to consistently get the same undesirable result.

I don't believe in the whole "meant to be / not meant to be" thing either, because it's not like there is some kind of sorting at birth, "cool person", "dork", "winner", "loser", "talkative", "shy", "funny", "boring", whatever other category we think we belong to. Whoever we are is the result of our experiences and whoever we've believed ourselves into. And if I want a relationship with a certain kind of person, and I consistently can't get one, that means I need to change my identity because who I've made myself into isn't working - who I've made myself into, based on my thoughts and experiences, is only capable of getting platonic friendship from the women I consider desirable.

Do you have any platonic female friends, Ska? I mean truly platonic friends, ones where you have never had a romantic feeling for, and do not hope to have romance with in the future.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Do you have any platonic female friends, Ska? I mean truly platonic friends, ones where you have never had a romantic feeling for, and do not hope to have romance with in the future.

Honestly, no. I have platonic female acquaintances. But they are not people I talk to all the time.

I am not really looking for platonic friends. I don't even look for more male friends. I don't need to because I already have a group.

 

[Ymir]

Do you have any platonic female friends, Ska? I mean truly platonic friends, ones where you have never had a romantic feeling for, and do not hope to have romance with in the future.

Honestly, no. I have platonic female acquaintances. But they are not people I talk to all the time.

I am not really looking for platonic friends. I don't even look for more male friends. I don't need to because I already have a group.

This explains a lot about what you say about women.

 

[TheSkaFish]

This explains a lot about what you say about women.

How so? I don't feel the need to have platonic women friends, especially when I already have friends.

 

[Ymir]

This explains a lot about what you say about women.

How so? I don't feel the need to have platonic women friends, especially when I already have friends.

You talk about women as if though they are either worthy of your romantic interest or not worthy of any interest at all. If you REALLY want to find out what wrong signs you are giving, perhaps you should look at your attitude towards women and their worth as human beings.

I very much doubt that you can hold those dismissive views and not let it in with your relationships with women. Because honestly, the way you talk can turn off any woman with half of a brain, as it happens a lot in this forum.

In short, and back to the topic, we all should appreciate people of the same and different genders as human beings, rather than just as romantic interests.

 

[TheSkaFish]

If you REALLY want to find out what wrong signs you are giving, perhaps you should look at your attitude towards women and their worth as human beings.

...

I very much doubt that you can hold those dismissive views and not let it in with your relationships with women. Because honestly, the way you talk can turn off any woman with half of a brain, as it happens a lot in this forum.

Well, it's not like I go around to all the women I don't want to date and go out of my way to be mean to them. I just don't put a lot of time into them.

What I don't understand though, is how the douchebags seem to have no problems with getting to pick and choose, even though they are even more dismissive. I guess I could be considered dismissive but it's because I want to save time and focus on what I want. They're dismissive to be mean, and yet they are rewarded just the same.

I do really want to find out what wrong signs I'm giving, because it seems that this part of me, that comes so naturally to everyone else, is just broken in me, or more likely, missing. But I don't want to just have to take what I can get with a smile on my face, while others get whatever they want. I feel like when it comes to relationships, I'm a second-class citizen.

 

[Ymir]

If you REALLY want to find out what wrong signs you are giving, perhaps you should look at your attitude towards women and their worth as human beings.

...

I very much doubt that you can hold those dismissive views and not let it in with your relationships with women. Because honestly, the way you talk can turn off any woman with half of a brain, as it happens a lot in this forum.

Well, it's not like I go around to all the women I don't want to date and go out of my way to be mean to them. I just don't put a lot of time into them.

What I don't understand though, is how the douchebags seem to have no problems with getting to pick and choose, even though they are even more dismissive. I guess I could be considered dismissive but it's because I want to save time and focus on what I want. They're dismissive to be mean, and yet they are rewarded just the same.

I do really want to find out what wrong signs I'm giving, because it seems that this part of me, that comes so naturally to everyone else, is just broken in me, or more likely, missing. But I don't want to just have to take what I can get with a smile on my face, while others get whatever they want. I feel like when it comes to relationships, I'm a second-class citizen.

I just told you why. Because honestly all this "explanation" you gave here just proves my point.

You are dismissive when all you want from women is romance. You are dismissive when you assume only "douchebags" can get women, because you are a cool bloke and you can't. You end up assuming women are dumb and can't make decisions for themselves. I don't know you, but I do know you aren't a cool bloke towards women when you have all of this attitude.

Blah, you will never listen anyway. And I don't feel like derailing yet another thread with you, but I really can't brush off such demeaning statements. I'd hate to put you or anyone on ignore, though I guess that's what I have to do to keep my sanity and stop arguing the same thing over and over and over. I'm pretty sure everyone's tired of it by now, so...

BACK TO TOPIC, PEOPLES.