Are love and sex separate?

[perfanoff]

Recently my ex contacted me. Apparently something's missing with her life; she is pretty much unable to get a good boyfriend and has resorted to having friends with benefits.

So we had some straight-up talks (yeah, I love that as a guy); she started telling me she loves me while having sex with some bad boy. I quickly cooled off with her and said I disapprove of her attitude.. she told me that sex and love are two different things.

So, what are your feelings on that matter?

 

[Tealeaf]

They're intertwined but can exist separately and often do. It's why people can have sex without being in love or falling in love (although sex can easily initiate bonding) and love someone they're not having sex with (although it can create distance in a relationship). That said, the way you handle sex says a lot about your love and the way you handle love says a lot about your sexual habits.

Someone who wants to use you for love (conveniently, since she can't find anyone else) while using someone else for sex would seem to be using people as tools rather than trying to form a whole relationship.

 

[Gutted]

I'd say that they are 2 different things. As they are different in my eyes, that doesn't mean that I'd be happy to be Loved whilst someone else was 'Loved' by a Girl. It's all or nothing with me

 

[Callie]

They are different. You don't need sex to have love and you don't need love to have sex.

 

[Trent]

your girlfriend just single-handedly reinforced every generalization about women being conflicted between wanting a "provider" (loving bf) and an "impregnator" (an alpha male to fertilize her eggs and give her orgasms).

tell her that you ain't buying what she is selling, but that if she stops by, you'll be glad to bust a nut on her top lip.

that's my two cents.

anything short of that is disastrous.

...

my ex left for that reason, found smooth-talking pua's to tell her how good they would fresia her on the internet, she hooked up with them, i had standards, her honeysuckle ended up in the front yard...

imagine her disappointment when she realizes that no one puts it down like me.

haha

she gave up the house, the cars, the security, and dick-worth-writing-home-about for smooth-talking chunky keyboard gonad toads.

 

[perfanoff]

I'm liking the responses a lot so far It does seem to me that a lot of the time, it's possible to get either the love or the sex but getting and keeping the whole package is more difficult on a whole new level.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Yes and no. Depends on the situation.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Disapprove.

 

[Felix]

It is possible... Otherwise prostitution wouldn't exist. I can win my case just by pointing out that

 

[Stars]

Yes. What's special if is you are lucky enough to be blessed with both.

 

[Astral_Punisher]

...
she gave up the house, the cars, the security, and dick-worth-writing-home-about for smooth-talking chunky keyboard gonad toads.

Wow. I actually laughed out loud reading this. You should write a book.

Also, I completely agree about women being torn about wanting a loving/nice man, and/or an alpha/sexy man. I kinda think it's not completely different for men, whom want a nice women that will be generous and kind, but also a 'sexy' woman that is awesome in the sack.

Yes. What's special if is you are lucky enough to be blessed with both.

No kidding.

I voted "NO" because I believed we are talking about a real relationship, not like prostitutes or friends with benefits. I don't think you can have a sexless loving relationship with a mate. That is, unless you are both completely sexless (no sex drives/sex parts at all).

 

[Okiedokes]

They can be, yes. Personally I wouldn't do it without caring for someone.

 

[Trent]

in this world, you can either be a provider or a lover to a woman.

unless you find the one in a million that can appreciate both aspects in one person without feeling unfilfilled as though she always needs something more and something better.

good luck finding "appreciation" anywhere in this life.

in the absence of that, you'd rather be the "lover". trust me.

 

[IgnoredOne]

They can be. They probably shouldn't be.

 

[perfanoff]

...
she gave up the house, the cars, the security, and dick-worth-writing-home-about for smooth-talking chunky keyboard gonad toads.

Wow. I actually laughed out loud reading this. You should write a book.

Also, I completely agree about women being torn about wanting a loving/nice man, and/or an alpha/sexy man. I kinda think it's not completely different for men, whom want a nice women that will be generous and kind, but also a 'sexy' woman that is awesome in the sack.

Yes. What's special if is you are lucky enough to be blessed with both.

No kidding.

I voted "NO" because I believed we are talking about a real relationship, not like prostitutes or friends with benefits. I don't think you can have a sexless loving relationship with a mate. That is, unless you are both completely sexless (no sex drives/sex parts at all).

You mean like Sheldon and Amy in The Big Bang Theory?

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

(Edit: Post Deleted.

I always love how people make assumptions about sex workers and their clients, never having actually been in that life. Kinda hurtful how those assumptions negate years of experience. WTF. Civilians have the stereotypes in mind and keep them, because thinking outside the box is toooo haaaaaard!)

 

[Felix]

It is possible... Otherwise prostitution wouldn't exist. I can win my case just by pointing out that

Nah, you can't really win your case on that point alone.

Prostitution exists because there's a huge demand (mainly by men) to have companionship centred around the exchange of sexual services. And there's a lot of broke people, in debt or in a, ahem, sticky situation, etc, etc. the reasons are endless, who are 1)willing or 2)available/alive, to provide this service. (I understand that not everyone is in the biz voluntarily)

Most men I met in that business wanted to kiss, which is far more intimate to me than explicit sex.
I've had men who just wanted to talk (with a little sth sth).
I've had men with severe scarring, with paraplegia, in depression over their breakup, divorce, etc., who wanted sex but also to feel sexy themselves. Most men wanted to hug me. I've had men cry. I've had men be afraid of me. I've had men be silly and goofy with me. I've had super serious and scary men. Many men (70%) told me about their day, complain about their bosses, co-workers, friends, family, etc.

I mean, we all knew what their main reason for being there was, but on the way, with some men there seemed to be some kind of affection for me, even if it was very transparent, transitory, and dependent on me being cute. I don't think this was love, because I don't think they were capable of that.

So while these men told me they loved me (and a dozen others, lol): they didn't, of course, know "us" or "me": So what I'm trying to say is: even some men who see hookers can also confuse "love" and sex too. Maybe it's just that men are trained to seem more light-hearted and detached about sex more easily, the whole, spread-the-seed around spiel. And it is easier to think that one just wants to bust a nut then to think "I feel x I want to feel better than x, and I want to be with someone else. I want company". Because that indicates a need for others, which many interpret as vulnerability, or weakness.

Yes I know that happens. Love and sex can come together in a customer - sex worker relationship and it happens often. From both sides (mostly customers tough). But mostly what you want is just sex... No one pays for sex to find love. Emotions might come to surface, that's natural, she might want to cuddle with you after sex and you let her, you talk about your day, you talk about whatever is going on in your life at that particular moment but it's not love. You're talking like you would talk to a taxi driver or someone you're sharing an elevator with.

Let's not fall into generalizations. Some customers seek just sex. Some might look for affection. Others just talk like they were in front of a shrink... And maybe others subconciously seek love in a prostitute. But for men most of the time is just sex, maybe they'll want some kind of affection if there's chemistry with the girl, but we know what to ask or not to that kind of chick. At lest those of us who've been around.

I think, falling again into a generalization, that women connect love to sex more than men, therefore it's more difficult for them to understand how they can go separate. Because it's still "taboo" to many women to have sex just for the sake of having sex. I don't know why is that. Tough I have many theories that involve religion, society, the perception of others, politics, the perception of one's own image, etc...

Back to my point, prostitution demostrates that sex can have nothing to do with love. From the point of view of the prostitute, she's having sex for the money. In her case, I think it's pretty obvious she's not looking for love. The customer for the reasons I've mentioned, is not looking for love, at least usually. Love can't be bought. Sex can.

I'd stay away from prostitution if I'd feel I was gonna fall in love with a girl... Personally by now I'm quite sure I wouldn't feel love for a prostitute. There is something about the situation that makes me unable to feel loving feelings towards this type of girl. I can feel affection and pretty much all other emotions... But not love. Is biological. Eating. Breathing. Going to the bathroom. Sex. That's the way it is for me anyway. I don't believe that my body if some kind of sacred temple I must give exclusivly to a special someone. If there is anything sacred within me it's in my mind and spirit but definetly not in something as superficial as my body. I feel that denying to myself my primary instinct of sex towards a long term goal like finding a "love" that might never come is the dumbest thing I could do and there is no argument that will make me want to masochistically condemn myself to a asexual life until I obtain that.

It's a beautiful thing to have sex, even without love. To give pleasure to someone and yourself is a very beautiful thing. It's very good and very pure if you compare it to all the evil in the world. You'd think we need more things like that to keep us from hurting each other. Sometimes ******* is enough to lift my spirit for a while. Those 10 mins holding each other after sex before we say goodbye, make the difference.

It's funny how society sends all the time this sort of twisted, hysterical signs about sex (magazine covers, advertising, movies....). But it's never "open". It's never natural, raw, nude sex that gets discussed... There is little room for REAL pleasure. You know, male orgasm can be increased greatly with the stimulation of the prostate? Yet, in our homosexual-friendly, sex-obsessed society, this is still "taboo" because in order to reach that place you have to go trough the rectum. Millons of men will never feel the intensity of that kind of orgasm because of stupid "taboos". It's ridiculous!

Things are improving, but still there are fears of "too many pleasure is worng". Guilt and shame can still involved in sex, and are, as well as love and any other feelings...

fresia, I wrote too much... I wonder what people will interpret out of this mess.

 

[MissGuided]

she told me that sex and love are two different things.

I think many people are able to discern between the two and be happy. I, however, am one of those nerdy types that cannot. I pretty much need to have true feelings for someone before I sleep with them.

Unfortunately most of the time, I foolishly believe that the other person employs that same philosophy - because they say so.

 

[floffyschneeman]

I think, ideally sex is an outcome of two people loving each other in a romantic way. I see it as this way, when you are having sex with the person you love, you do it out of love and the wanting to make that person feel as best as you can make them. When you are having sex with someone you don't love, you do it out of different reasons (e.g. passing pleasures, loneliness, low self esteem, boredom, anxiety, etc) and the wanting to get as much pleasure as you can get out of them. It's up to the person how she/he make sex as. It's up to the situation or the momentary phases a person is going through for her/him to see sex as just sex. But I think eventually, they will get tired of it. Cos if you look at it really, it's almost the same as talking or having a conversation with someone. Eventually it'll get tiring to a point of being pointless, even if we say we need someone to talk to to keep ourselves sane.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Its interesting to see how universal and desperate, in a way, companionship and acceptance are.

But also, disapprove.