Are you willing to "settle" for certain things in order to get married?

[Dissident]

I've always been in a position where I would be settling just because I have had zero luck at actually getting/maintaining a relationship with someone that matches with ideals.

you don't have to be religious to get married.

I know, but I don't see a point in it since I am not religious.

For some people it's the symbolism; you are making a clear decision that you are dedicating yourself to that person.

 

[Badjedidude]

I know, but I don't see a point in it since I am not religious.

Marriage isn't about religion. Many religions may require a couple to marry for morality or whatever reasons they feel like coming up with... but...

Primarily, marriage is a contract recognized by the government as the combining of two interests -- for legal purposes. That's why (in the U.S., at least) you have to go to the local courthouse to file a certificate/license for marriage. It's so that you're on the record as having combined your finances (unless you have a prenup or preexisting arrangement). It also gives benefits such as letting one partner have access to the medical records of the other; things like that.

 

[lusker]

We all settle for less than a perfect match because the likelihood of finding your perfect match is statistically remote. You could spend your whole life looking for her and be a sad, lonely, unfulfilled wanker until the end of your days, then find out she settled down thirty years ago and is now happy with three kids and a mortgage with a nice guy (who, okay, sometimes absentmindedly picks his nose and eats it).

I would like my wife to be more into outdoorsy, athletic pursuits, but she has an expensive head of hair and a 10F chest that smacks her in the chin when she jogs. But I love her and she loves me, despite the fact I have so many flaws she could alphabetise them by category. She settled for me, much more than I settled for her. For that, I'm forever grateful, because without her I would have found increasingly dangerous work to do until my luck ran out.

So, yes, settling is inevitable: just be mindful of what you are settling for.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I probably am going to end up with someone who isn't my physical ideal. That probably won't change, unless I go back in time ten years and lose 50 pounds.

 

[blackdot]

angel_in_view: In regards to settling for someone who has kids already.
When you settle for someone else that is an adult, you can talk these issues out. Both of you are adults and can understand each other's points of view. But with kids, they don't have that understanding. If you are going to be with someone and they have kids but you know you aren't going to be interested in those kids, it's just going to be detrimental to their upbringing. That in turn is going to bring down whatever type of relationship you have with the person you are trying to be with.

 

[angel_in_view]

angel_in_view: In regards to settling for someone who has kids already.
When you settle for someone else that is an adult, you can talk these issues out. Both of you are adults and can understand each other's points of view. But with kids, they don't have that understanding. If you are going to be with someone and they have kids but you know you aren't going to be interested in those kids, it's just going to be detrimental to their upbringing. That in turn is going to bring down whatever type of relationship you have with the person you are trying to be with.

blackdot - I agree 100%. I've told my friend that more than once. She likes the kids, but has absolutely no desire to be a step-mom to them. The 1st time she said this, I said, "um...okay, well you can't have 1 w/o the other so...how is THAT gonna work?" I think she just went into this and didn't consider the "what ifs." She had a couple of online dating "bombs" right before meeting him. He came along, and I think bc he was actually interested, she just dove in and thought it would all work out. She didn't think about the fact that a date night may be interrupted bc he gets a call saying one of the kids is sick, needs to be picked up, etc. That has happened a couple of times and she had meltdown about that. I told her she has to understand that those kids are his 1st priority. I went on to tell her that I was impressed by the fact that he IS such a good father. He'd look a little "shady" if he just continued on w/the date and neglected the kids. *sigh* I just don't know how its gonna work out.

 

[ippi]

I know, but I don't see a point in it since I am not religious.

Marriage isn't about religion. Many religions may require a couple to marry for morality or whatever reasons they feel like coming up with... but...

Primarily, marriage is a contract recognized by the government as the combining of two interests -- for legal purposes. That's why (in the U.S., at least) you have to go to the local courthouse to file a certificate/license for marriage. It's so that you're on the record as having combined your finances (unless you have a prenup or preexisting arrangement). It also gives benefits such as letting one partner have access to the medical records of the other; things like that.

Alright, but let's say it was ORIGINALLY about religion, and to some it still is. I don't live in the U.S, so I can't really say much about the legal things concerning the matter, but what I do know is that if you get divorced in the U.S, the wife usually takes the car eh? Hehe, I've heard lots of stories like that.

Here it's more of a use getting married if you have kids together, since it makes it easier financially, and if one was to die the surviving will have the custody, but if the man was to die while not being married, the child COULD go to relatives of the mom. I'm not 100% sure if it's still like that, but that's why my parents got married, and seeing how marriage fades away, I see no reason to ever get married. I don't really have any plans of getting kids either, considering I'm a pretty selfish individual, and I don't like to have responsibility over others. Another thing is that seeing how painful it was for me to grow up, I don't want to have another person possibly going through what I did.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

I'm kind of amused, a lot of what I'm reading here is about getting to the destination- what about enjoying the journey? It seems like there's way too much focus on "needing" to get married and that potential spouse has to fit specific needs. We all change greatly as we age, mature, and have different experiences.

If you're going to deny yourself interesting possibilities simply because the guy/gal you're looking at dating has children you're simply short-changing yourself. I've got The Kid, I spend a great deal of my time with her, and any potential partner would have to be comfortable with that. If someone shies away simply because of Kid it's their loss, not ours/mine. When many of us are with our children that's when you see us at our best, we might not be as interesting when they're not around.

 

[Badjedidude]

Alright, but let's say it was ORIGINALLY about religion, and to some it still is.

But it wasn't originally about religion. It was originally a contract between wealthy, powerful families. Marriage was a way to forge bonds between power blocs in medieval and pre-medieval times (in Western society, at least). It wasn't really expected for commoners to care about marriage until the church put its hand into the marriage business.

 

[blackdot]

I'm kind of amused, a lot of what I'm reading here is about getting to the destination- what about enjoying the journey?

Well, for one thing the journey never gets a chance to get started.
Second, the destination is where I want to be.
Third, I hate the traveling to get from one place to another.
Fourth, I have no idea how to do the journey part. They didn't teach dating in school.
Fifth, I'm the type of guy women want to marry but they have no interest in dating so skipping the journey benefits me and them.

 

[ippi]

Alright, but let's say it was ORIGINALLY about religion, and to some it still is.

But it wasn't originally about religion. It was originally a contract between wealthy, powerful families. Marriage was a way to forge bonds between power blocs in medieval and pre-medieval times (in Western society, at least). It wasn't really expected for commoners to care about marriage until the church put its hand into the marriage business.

I won't say you're wrong, but I'll say I disagree, atleast from my studies in both history and religion. Especially here in the west, christianity was very powerful, and you pretty much needed the permission from "God" to have children, since sex was seen as something dirty, and to many it still is here. In other parts of the world it has never been like that. Many south-eastern countries never really had this view on sex at all. Today it is mainly business, from a financial and safety point of view, but to me it's more a principle, cause I don't believe in marriage, nor in what it originated from. Marriage was also seen as ownership over a women for the men back in the days. Anyways, no matter how it is today compared to before, I just really don't like the whole idea of marriage.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'm kind of amused, a lot of what I'm reading here is about getting to the destination- what about enjoying the journey? It seems like there's way too much focus on "needing" to get married and that potential spouse has to fit specific needs. We all change greatly as we age, mature, and have different experiences.

If you're going to deny yourself interesting possibilities simply because the guy/gal you're looking at dating has children you're simply short-changing yourself. I've got The Kid, I spend a great deal of my time with her, and any potential partner would have to be comfortable with that. If someone shies away simply because of Kid it's their loss, not ours/mine. When many of us are with our children that's when you see us at our best, we might not be as interesting when they're not around.

I was thinking the same. Certain things stand out to me, and it just has me thinking... If you're going to be picky, then don't complain about not getting exactly what you want. People are people. No one is going to be EXACTLY how you want them to be, even if they appear to be.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

I seriously doubt I'll ever get married again, but the only things that are instant dealbreakers with me are:

Smoking
Substance Abuse

As far as kids go, I don't know if I could date a women with teen+ kids, but I'm ok with younger kids.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I seriously doubt I'll ever get married again, but the only things that are instant dealbreakers with me are:

Smoking
Substance Abuse

As far as kids go, I don't know if I could date a women with teen+ kids, but I'm ok with younger kids.

Ha! Trust me - teens can occupy themselves for "mom" to go out - little kids can't.

 

[Badjedidude]

I won't say you're wrong, but I'll say I disagree, atleast from my studies in both history and religion. Especially here in the west, christianity was very powerful, and you pretty much needed the permission from "God" to have children, since sex was seen as something dirty, and to many it still is here. In other parts of the world it has never been like that. Many south-eastern countries never really had this view on sex at all. Today it is mainly business, from a financial and safety point of view, but to me it's more a principle, cause I don't believe in marriage, nor in what it originated from. Marriage was also seen as ownership over a women for the men back in the days.

As far as marriage being a part of religion, I think you're overplaying the correlation between the two.

Christianity was extremely pervasive in Western society; at times almost everything could have fallen into the church's control.

It's not so much that the vast majority of people believed God actually had to bless a union... it's more about the amount of control that the Church as a power broker had over these sorts of ceremonies and functions. The Church was the only "neutral" organization where powerful families could essentially file their marriage records, and then the church would keep track of those things. Marriage was pretty much always more about business than about God or religion.

Also, it depends on what time period we're talking about.

Anyways, no matter how it is today compared to before, I just really don't like the whole idea of marriage.

I'll agree with that.

 

[Okiedokes]

She shouldn't get married for the sake of getting married/being with someone. A good thing to make her think about is marriage is not the way to happiness and being with someone who doesn't suit you or suit each other can cause just as much pain if not worse than being alone. Definitely not worth it... although if she likes him and maybe they can try to work on things like the schedule for instance..she can see where it goes. But marriage is a huge deal, and not the key to happiness.