TheRealCallie
Princess Pink Love
iseestars said:
You have just entered the rabbit hole. Run, run away fast. lol
Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:
You have just entered the rabbit hole. Run, run away fast. lol
ardour
Well known loser
iseestars said:
I agree that genuine attachment develops further down the track, but if there's no initial attraction then any kind of romantic bond usually isn't on the cards and that's just reality. Looking for someone who doesn't need any physical attraction whatsoever is a fool's errand imo. Better to work on parts of the your appearance that can be changed as well as the relevant personality and lifestyle factors, and hope it grants a few chances with someone compatible.
mgill
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TheRealCallie said:
“The truth may be puzzling. It may take some work to grapple with. It may be counter intuitive. It may contradict deeply held prejudices. It may not be consonant with what we desperately want to be true. But our preferences do not determine what's true.” –Carl Sagan
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iseestars
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mgill said:
So many statistics... And movies and social media isn't the best place to find successful love stories. Have you seen how many couples from the movie industry, for example, break up? Attractive looks without a beautiful personality is a disaster. Plain looking people, short people, bald people, disfigured people but with a beautiful personality are gold. If you want fairytale examples, take The Beauty and The Beast, take Beastly, take The Professor (by Charlotte Bronte), for example. What can be more attractive than a beautiful soul? There's absolutely nothing more attractive than that. Some women spend their whole lives alone because they cannot find a beautiful soul, because they're tired of men wearing a mask of beauty on the outside and being eaten alive by worms on the inside. Some women are feeling doomed and they are not able to trust anyone anymore and it's all because of the bad choices they've made in the past.
I'm telling you... There are many women out there broken and unable to smile anymore because they never met a man with a good soul. No statistic knows about those women. Because those women remain hidden, they will never admit out loud the tragedy in their hearts.
So... atleast for one second, forget about those statistics. They're not the ultimate truth.
Lacrecia
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mgill said:
"[font=Roboto, HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif]Row, row, row your boat[/font]
[font=Roboto, HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif]Gently down the stream[/font]
[font=Roboto, HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif]Merrily merrily, merrily, merrily[/font]
[font=Roboto, HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif]Life is but a dream[/font][font=Roboto, HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif]…"[/font]
mgill
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ardour said:
this is true but the things which women find attractive cannot be improved through effort or hard work. there are always a few outliers who may be fortunate enough to buck the trend but for every one of these there are countless others who will never have a single chance regardless of what they do or do not do. meanwhile, the genetically gifted males need only roll out of bed every morning to have options.
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iseestars
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TheRealCallie said:
I will run if it gets dangerous I'm good at running 
iseestars said:
I can agree that when someone is "in love" looks typically don't matter to them. That rarely lasts very long though. People cheat on loved ones all the time. There's a wide range of love too. Older married people that get an opportunity to have a fling with a younger sexy partner usually do. So, looks do matter after awhile.
ardour
Well known loser
mgill said:
I look like a different person since hitting the gym and changing my style a bit. All you can do is increases your odds (in my case from non-existent to just 'low') If you're short you can build yourself up to appear more masculine. Better clothes make you look better. It's not hard to grasp.
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iseestars
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Finished said:
I don't think that one can love a person and cheat at the same time. I personally believe 90% of people are together not because they love each other, but because of other reasons. So cheating comes as a natural effect because of the lack of love and respect.
TheRealCallie
Princess Pink Love
mgill said:
Some people's nightmares would be another person's dream.
mgill
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iseestars said:
media & cinema shape the expectations of most people-especially when they are children. i think the women you are mentioning are not just looking for merely a man with a good soul and very likely have had many who who were interested in them but the men did not meet their looks requirements so were never considered as options. i know this is the case for me at least. i have been completely rejected (or the worst by far, friendzoned) due entirely to my looks & lack of height-despite being quite successful in all other area's of my life. this is the one issue where i have had total failure and that was before COVID when there were many social outlets available.
ardour said:
actually, i am quite ripped already from many years of a clean diet & hard weight training. this is the one area which i do have control over so have put in great time and effort to improve but it has not made any difference what so ever.
TheRealCallie said:
i don't see how that's possible in this case. a person who has options yet chooses not to pursue them is far different than a person who craves intimacy yet is unable to experience it due to their inferior genetics.
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mgill said:
Whoever rejected you, didn't deserve you. Try to think about the things I said. I was not referring to financial aspect or social status. I was referring to personality. Your character. Kindness. Nobleness. Exercise those and you will find a woman who appreciates that. If you never find her, atleast you are left with a treasure in your heart that no one can ever take away from you. The beauty of one's character is a treasure and should be protected and cherished. Focus on that. And try to forget somehow about your height and your overall physical appearance. That's just your clothing. What matters is you. And you are defined by other things.
TheRealCallie
Princess Pink Love
mgill said:
Inferior genetics....really? Isn't that just another excuse to give up instead of continuing to try to find the right person for you? You know, even for people without "inferior genetics" it sometimes takes a while to find the right person. For them, sometimes, they just have to get through all the wrong people first. That's not always better.
mgill
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iseestars said:
thank you for your thoughts & suggestions- i would like to think that i would be able to get there at some point but the bitterness at missing out on most of what makes life worth living is still very strong in me and i am not even close to being young anymore so have many decades of experience with this. it is very difficult to have any self worth when the people you are attracted to find you so unworthy. perhaps some men can be content with a lifetime entirely void of female attention, affection & validation but for others it is one of the worst possible curses.
TheRealCallie said:
it is merely an accurate statement as i am below average in height, bald and at best average (but likely also below average) facially. it's also not a matter of just finding the "right person" because as i said i have not even had a single date in over 7 years despite trying just about everything (pre covid-currently it is virtually impossible to connect aside from OLD). each failure & rejection is much worse than the last and just serves to reinforce my complete lack of attractiveness to the opposite sex. too bad i am not gay though as i have had a couple of men tell me i was attractive but that does not do me any good whatsoever.
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iseestars
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mgill said:
I experience something similar in a way. The bitterness of lacking something very important. I know how it's like. What helps me keep going is the thought that maybe it's just not meant to be in this lifetime and maybe I will find what I'm looking for in another lifetime. This works for me because I believe in afterlife. If you don't believe in it, try to look for another mechanism to help you cope. Hold on to something. Even when the whole world says NO to you. You should say YES. Because it's your life, your rules. People don't get to decide how you should look like or how you should be. You are your own boss and you get to choose what you do with your life. You either let sadness crush you or you use it as some kind of fuel in order to evolve spiritually, emotionally. I pour my pain into music. Try to find something to pour your pain into. And people will be inspired by it. If no one gives you what you need, be the first to reach out and give people what they need. Give from your soul. And flowers will grow under each step you take if you run towards helping others. Remember the idea of "the greater good" in the movies. Adjust that idea to your own situation. If you can't get what you want it's maybe because through your pain you must understand certain things and inspire other people to keep going and not give up. Every human being is important. We're all pieces of a great puzzle . Maybe you can't find your soulmate because you must complete the puzzle somewhere else, achieving a different kind of goal. I know it sounds like a cliché but embrace your pain until it becomes one with you and express it through something, in a way that's productive.
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Regarding the original post...
If there seems to be a pattern to the eventual breakup of all your previous relationships you have to find out what's at the root of it and perhaps it will shed some light on why you feel that shame now. I don't know how you acted in each of those situations and in what way you contributed to the collapse of each relationship (if at all). Did previous partners made you feel ashamed for your desires or did you do something that you have not acknowledged? That analysis is up to you - but it is important.
Especially when we are young we find ourselves "blinded by emotions" due to a lack of experience and bodies and brains running in autopilot. Some never grow out of it. But we cannot always act on emotion in matters of love - idealistic notions of romantic love aside, that's all a sham anyway - I'd go ahead and say: actually avoid it. Many situations require us to act counterintuitively. To make the rational choice and to think long-term.
I think it is easy to switch the genders in that paragraph and still have it make sense. I hate to bring up suicide statistics (for men in particular) but if we talk about broken people that naively made bad choices and don't admit the tragedy in their hearts? This seems to be as close as it gets.
For what it's worth neither statistics nor this...spiritual(?) approach is the truth. For all I know I can buck the trend as an individual while still being well aware that I'm a statistical outlier. It's best not to bother others with my survivor bias of how they can "absolutely make it" just because I personally got lucky. I still encourage them to try their best but I have no illusions that some of us have it a lot tougher than others. Sadly our lives are finite and I cannot expect anyone to keep up a happy-go-lucky attitude forever. There's no shame in giving up after decades of rejection, I can only hope that they find their peace and purpose in other ways.
I think that's a case of putting the cart before the horse. Media and entertainment are more a reflection of the current culture so they are already manifested expectations, at least of the people who come up with the stories. Few get their expectations from the media but they seek out the media that fulfills their expectations or desires, like the people that seek romance movies with a surefire happy end. Perhaps if you grow up in isolation. Otherwise your family, friends and acquaintances and your immediate social environment as a whole will give you an image of what is normal and expected.
If there seems to be a pattern to the eventual breakup of all your previous relationships you have to find out what's at the root of it and perhaps it will shed some light on why you feel that shame now. I don't know how you acted in each of those situations and in what way you contributed to the collapse of each relationship (if at all). Did previous partners made you feel ashamed for your desires or did you do something that you have not acknowledged? That analysis is up to you - but it is important.
Especially when we are young we find ourselves "blinded by emotions" due to a lack of experience and bodies and brains running in autopilot. Some never grow out of it. But we cannot always act on emotion in matters of love - idealistic notions of romantic love aside, that's all a sham anyway - I'd go ahead and say: actually avoid it. Many situations require us to act counterintuitively. To make the rational choice and to think long-term.
iseestars said:
I think it is easy to switch the genders in that paragraph and still have it make sense. I hate to bring up suicide statistics (for men in particular) but if we talk about broken people that naively made bad choices and don't admit the tragedy in their hearts? This seems to be as close as it gets.
For what it's worth neither statistics nor this...spiritual(?) approach is the truth. For all I know I can buck the trend as an individual while still being well aware that I'm a statistical outlier. It's best not to bother others with my survivor bias of how they can "absolutely make it" just because I personally got lucky. I still encourage them to try their best but I have no illusions that some of us have it a lot tougher than others. Sadly our lives are finite and I cannot expect anyone to keep up a happy-go-lucky attitude forever. There's no shame in giving up after decades of rejection, I can only hope that they find their peace and purpose in other ways.
mgill said:
I think that's a case of putting the cart before the horse. Media and entertainment are more a reflection of the current culture so they are already manifested expectations, at least of the people who come up with the stories. Few get their expectations from the media but they seek out the media that fulfills their expectations or desires, like the people that seek romance movies with a surefire happy end. Perhaps if you grow up in isolation. Otherwise your family, friends and acquaintances and your immediate social environment as a whole will give you an image of what is normal and expected.
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Rodent said:
What caused the break-ups.. It's a tough question. Each break-up was different . I think what they all had in common was the fact that I rushed into relationships without getting to really know the person first. I was blind and needy. I'm changed now. I know romance is just not something that can work out for me due to the fact that I get emotionally attached extremely fast. It's just one of my faults. I recently came to the conclusion that I must stay away from romance. And trick my mind into believing I don't need it in order to be happy. And one day soon I will start believing it and my pain will get to an end then.
