More aconfession than anything but if anyone has any thoughts on sorting myself out or has been similar I'd appreciate it.
A girl I'm seeing I thought was unfaithful and untrustworthy. Truth is while some of it is true one of my friends also lied about sleeping with her, I told her boyfriend because she'd cheated on him before and that got her a bad name.
Not only that but I've never asked her about any of these things I just took my friends word for it.
Not only this but even after I found out my friend had lied and I didn't actually know anything, I basically called her a slag and ruined her weekend completely. She was dancing happily one minute and the next she's crying and lost her coat. Her grades at univeristy have halved in the time I've known her. She was really happy before I met her now she's miserable and emotionally drained. I've treated her like she doesn't even have feelings.
As i write this down there's even some sort of sick pride in me.
All i do is suck the life out of people and the best people worse than the rest because they try harder and I feel more insecure around them.
I hate this about myself. I've tried to be strong many times but I give up and have breakdowns where I take it out on others it wouldn't even matter if it was me. I tell myself I want to die all the time but never do anything about it. If it weren't for the emotional toll it would take on people whose affection I 110% don't deserve and hurt on a regular basis then it would be totally morally justified. I think it might be anyway. I'm so ******* sick of being me and doing this over and over and over again endlessly. I know that people can be happy around others and they deserve it cos they're ******* brilliant.
I wish a truck or a train would run me over.
A girl I'm seeing I thought was unfaithful and untrustworthy. Truth is while some of it is true one of my friends also lied about sleeping with her, I told her boyfriend because she'd cheated on him before and that got her a bad name.
Not only that but I've never asked her about any of these things I just took my friends word for it.
Not only this but even after I found out my friend had lied and I didn't actually know anything, I basically called her a slag and ruined her weekend completely. She was dancing happily one minute and the next she's crying and lost her coat. Her grades at univeristy have halved in the time I've known her. She was really happy before I met her now she's miserable and emotionally drained. I've treated her like she doesn't even have feelings.
As i write this down there's even some sort of sick pride in me.
All i do is suck the life out of people and the best people worse than the rest because they try harder and I feel more insecure around them.
I hate this about myself. I've tried to be strong many times but I give up and have breakdowns where I take it out on others it wouldn't even matter if it was me. I tell myself I want to die all the time but never do anything about it. If it weren't for the emotional toll it would take on people whose affection I 110% don't deserve and hurt on a regular basis then it would be totally morally justified. I think it might be anyway. I'm so ******* sick of being me and doing this over and over and over again endlessly. I know that people can be happy around others and they deserve it cos they're ******* brilliant.
I wish a truck or a train would run me over.
