Being my own worst enemy

[Baka]

Hi All

I'm going through a very difficult time at present. During the last two to three years I've become increasingly isolated, to the point where I no longer have any friends. I gradually lost contact with the ones I had and I've been unable to make new ones ever since. I feel like I'm just not meeting any people that fit me, if that makes any sense.

The last time I approached a girl romantically was during 2009. It went well at first, but it eventually ended abruptly like all my previous "relationships", if you can call them that. In truth, you really can't.

The thing is though, lately I've started to see patterns in my actions and life in general. Although I've never been lucky in life or love, I feel that I've been consciously/subconsciously sabotaging myself. I've basically become my own worst enemy. Sure, I've always had a negative edge and a low self-esteem, but it's just gotten worse lately.

I crave friendship and the romantic intimacy that I've never known, but I feel boxed in and unable to change my circumstances. For example, there are a few legitimate issues that stop me from approaching women for fear of rejection, but the main reason is still my own lack of belief and self-loathing. I think deep down I want to be alone and some part of me likes feeling hopeless and alone.

It almost feels like the only way I will ever get out of this hole I've dug for myself, is if some miraculous woman takes on the near impossible task of dragging me out of it. It's unlikely though. Many people have tried, but all of them have failed. Before they can even blink, I push them away.

I'm just feeling sick. I don't know what to do.

 

[Solitary man]

I know exactly what you mean, as I am similar. Just be careful not to criticise women on this site, even if the criticism is valid and truthful, as it results in a ban.

 

[Locke]

I can relate, I was the same way for a few years, and I still am to a point. Fortunately, a miraculous woman did take on the task of dragging me partly out of it, and friends I've made recently refuse to let me feel sorry for myself. I couldn't go back into depressing, lonely solitude now if I wanted to.

It can happen for you, too. You just can't continue to push people away. Seeing patterns in your actions is an important first step, now you just have to make the decision that you want things to change. Next time someone tries to drag you out of it, let them. It will be hard, but it'll also be worth it.

Like I said, I'm just barely pulling myself out of a similar situation. I unfortunately don't have any easy answers. All I can tell you is that being on guard all the time will do more harm than good.

As far as approaching women goes, just be yourself. There are plenty of good things about you, and when you meet a girl who is a good match for you, she will see that. Just don't unfairly criticise yourself or them, or it'll be much more difficult.

 

[African_weasel]

I am the same way as you to a degree. However, I don't have ay friends close enough to me geographically to help pull me up. So I have to do it all by me one some.

 

[Garbageman]

Hello Baka,
Locke gives some great advice above. I would like to add to that, while sometimes it works out that someone will be there to help pull you out, the key word is help, ultimately you have to take responsibility for yourself. It does you no good to keep burying yourself while waiting for someone to come rescue you. It has been my experience that people are much more open to helping others who are actively trying to improve themselves, and are willing to put in the effort necessary to change.

The fact that you are aware or becoming aware at how you have been sabotaging yourself is a big step. This demonstrates to me that you have given this serious thought over the last couple years. Just keep paying attention to exactly how you sabotage yourself and try to get ahead of yourself to prevent it. And combine that with what Locke said about not pushing people away who are trying to help.

I think if you spend some time just focusing on improving yourself, and not making it about finding a companion you will be more likely to succeed. And as an added benefit as you improve you will naturally become more desirable and likely have a better chance at meeting someone. Take care man.

 

[Baka]

I know exactly what you mean, as I am similar. Just be careful not to criticise women on this site, even if the criticism is valid and truthful, as it results in a ban.

Hey. Thanks for the comment, but I didn't criticize women. What are you referring to? (0_o)

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I can relate, I was the same way for a few years, and I still am to a point. Fortunately, a miraculous woman did take on the task of dragging me partly out of it, and friends I've made recently refuse to let me feel sorry for myself. I couldn't go back into depressing, lonely solitude now if I wanted to.

Hi Locke, thanks for the comment. You're way ahead of me with the progress that you've made, but at least your story gives me a bit of hope. I honestly believe that my main obstacle at this point is myself, but boy is it a big one.

I've made some really big changes to my life during the last 5 years. With the exception of my seclusion, most of them have been positive. However, all of them only involved me and no one else. For example, massive weight-loss and getting healthy; getting over my uselessness/laziness and graduating from Univ; getting a job; and finding out who I am and what I want.

It's almost like I undertook a huge remodeling of myself, physically and emotionally, and got isolated in the process...OR maybe, I've just finally sorted myself out a bit and now I'm afraid to pull the trigger? Maybe I'm afraid of still coming up short or maybe even of getting what I want? Whatever the case may be, I feel I have to make a decision soon. Tempus fugit after all.

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Hello Baka,
Locke gives some great advice above. I would like to add to that, while sometimes it works out that someone will be there to help pull you out, the key word is help, ultimately you have to take responsibility for yourself. It does you no good to keep burying yourself while waiting for someone to come rescue you. It has been my experience that people are much more open to helping others who are actively trying to improve themselves, and are willing to put in the effort necessary to change.

The fact that you are aware or becoming aware at how you have been sabotaging yourself is a big step. This demonstrates to me that you have given this serious thought over the last couple years. Just keep paying attention to exactly how you sabotage yourself and try to get ahead of yourself to prevent it. And combine that with what Locke said about not pushing people away who are trying to help.

I think if you spend some time just focusing on improving yourself, and not making it about finding a companion you will be more likely to succeed. And as an added benefit as you improve you will naturally become more desirable and likely have a better chance at meeting someone. Take care man.

Hi Garbageman, thanks for the comment. You make a good point about me having to save myself first. One of my biggest problems is that I tend to procrastinate quite a bit, especially when it comes to things that I can afford to put-off. Small steps I guess, there's nothing to do but try.

 

[Alienated]

I find that I am having to re-evaluate my priorities to find what I NEED not what I want. I have found in the past they aren't the same things, and I rarely chose correctly lately. If I allow my want's over power my needs, it never turns out good.

I like what Garbage Man said "" I think if you spend some time just focusing on improving yourself, and not making it about finding a companion you will be more likely to succeed. And as an added benefit as you improve you will naturally become more desirable and likely have a better chance at meeting someone.""

And I have sabotaged myself off and on for years, and it almost killed me. Try looking into this and see if it helps... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Introspection It helped me to recognize when I am shooting myself in the foot. So I can stop myself before I get out of control, and do something stupid.

It will also help you recognize those pattern you mentioned... The tricky part is correctly discerning what really helps, and what doesn't. Your feelings are like water... They always take the path of least resistance.
And sabotage self discipline that keeps you from making the same mistakes over and over again.

 

[ardour]

I know exactly what you mean, as I am similar. Just be careful not to criticise women on this site, even if the criticism is valid and truthful, as it results in a ban.

He hasn't even hinted at doing that.

 

[Lady Gaga Snerd]

To improve your life, you have to get involved in life and live life. Sitting at home in a perpetual pity party will not serve you at all. Nor will it make your life better nor make you of interest romantically. Women want a man who has passion for life. Get out of your comfort zone. Go volunteer, coach little league or start training for a 5 K. Or whittle duck calls. Find something beyond breathing and eating and existing that is YOU and that sparks your passion. People who have interests and a passion for something are interesting to other people. Find some things you can embrace. And, if you get involved in things you can enjoy , then by default you are going to begin meeting other like minded people. '
And, realize most friendships are superficial. When you begin getting engaged, you may be someone's friend to the extent that you are engaging in whatever it is. But, that is OK. Learn to accept peripheral friendships or activity friendships that go no further. It is part of learning to accept that there are different levels of friendship and interactions so enjoy these people in that moment even if doesn't extend beyond that.
As for critizicizing women, not sure what good that would do. You will be attractive to women when you begin to be attractive to yourself and start enjoying who you are and working your own particular strengths.