Being seen as arrogant?!!

[thalassa]

Anyone else have this issue?........

I am quite sick of this really: the moments when I can't bear to look at someone or speak a word or hastily do something to get out of the situation **because of severe social anxiety!!!** - I'm perceived as arrogant.

Recent examples (and I don't even go out that much!):

* Zebra crossing (these make me feel so awkward and I can't stand that interaction even with people in vehicles), I didn't want a car to stop for me but they did, I just quickly cross over and have a mean female scream "THANKS!! YOU'RE WELCOME" from her window...

* Going into a shop while people we're going out (again females), getting a very bitter and sarcastic "Thanks!! You're Welcome!!" while these people were together, jeez - is that their biggest problem of the day!? I was really tense, there were too many people around and didn't want another 'interaction'.

* At the checkout, having to pay for something and barely mumbling something (just wanted to hand over money). They had asked if I spoke some languages but I couldn't answer and they were gossiping as I left.

It seems as if you're are either bubbly (real or faked) or arrogant in this horrible society. There is nothing else. I couldn't possibly be in bits in those situations, a crumbling mess of a person, no!

Even someone I used to know (who literally faked a 1 year friendship with me) screamed at one point (towards the end when she was being violent and showing her true nature) saying I was an arrogant *****... exactly at the moment I was completely tense and terrified.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the hell is wrong here? Do other people have this happen to them or do I seem to just look arrogant when I feel so small? By the way I do not fake or wear a mask, to me I feel like my face looks unhappy, lonely and insecure.

It's the last thing you need when you are all alone, and haven't seen anyone in days, to get mean remarks from total strangers. It makes me even more alienated from everything and everyone that is in Western society!

 

[septicemia]

I am wondering if your actions are being perceived as plain and simple rude. LIke, at the crosswalk, its pretty standard common courtesy to make eye contact, smile, and/or wave to people who stop for us to cross, yes, even if we as pedestrians have the right away. It literally takes a half a second to crack a fake smile and wave.

Going into the shop, did the people leaving have to get out of your way, or did they hold the door open for you? Again, its just common decency to acknowledge/thank people for things like moving out of the way so you can walk there, and especially if someone holds a door for you, a thankyou is the right thing to do, and one will be perceived as really rude for not doing so.

You are looking at things way too black and white, bubbly and rude are not the only two options of how people behave. You dont have to feel it to crack a quick smile at someone. People are social, interacting creatures. Just like with anyting we arent used to doing, it can be really difficult at first, but the more you do it, the easier it is, the same applies to interacting with others.

I get it that you have anxiety about interactions with people, but the way it looks to others is that you are just being a snobby biatch. I say push yourself outside of your comfort zone, if someone stops for you to cross in a cross walk, acknowledge them, if someone holds a door for you, thank them. Really you get what you put out, so if all you are getting back is negativity, you know what energy you are putting out to the world. DO put on a fake mask of happiness. You dont have to walk around with a goofy smile plastered on your face all day, but do try to make an effort to acknowledge people who are trying ot interact with you, in a pleasant way.

A couple of weeks ago I was going to the funeral of a dear friend of mine who was taken much too soon in a horrible car wreck. I had a package to ship out before I went, so I had to go to the post office. I was standing there, looking at the floor, engulfed in my sorrow and misery of the loss, when a lady in line a head of me started talking to me about the hard freeze and getting her tomatoes in. At first I was offended that she would talk to me, couldnt she tell I was totally have a horrible day and was wallowing in my misery? But really, why shouldnt I engage strangers when they are reaching out? Maybe she too has much sorrow or loneliness in her heart, maybe that was her attempt to make her self feel better, and if I had been closed off to her, who knows how much hurt I may or may not have caused. Why should it be all about me and how bad I am feeling? It was NOT easy to break out of myself and engage her in conversation, I really had to push myself to speak, but in the end I felt better for doing so. Thats one of the problems with the world today, there are billions of us and we all just go around acting like its all about us, like we are the ones who matter the most, but the truth is, is that we are all in this shithole together, we all need to make an effort to be kind, and make things more pleasant in general. Thats my take on things at least.

 

[Badjedidude]

Yeah. A lot of people see me as arrogant.

I MIGHT be... but I prefer to see it as simply being aggressive in partaking in life. Confidence in myself and in how much enjoyment and learning I can squeeze out of every moment.

I'll be honest: it can take a while to get used to me. My sense of humor. My sarcasm. My continual positivity and self-complimentary remarks. A lot of people do see that as arrogance or ******-wad jackassery.

*shrug*

But I think that once people get to know me a bit, they see that it really isn't arrogance at all.

 

[thalassa]

Then I guess no one can relate to being so crushed you can't muster it. It's not about being rude, it's about being so threatened by people and feeling so unsafe in the world. I know what 'thank you' is, and I do use it, as a matter of fact I am overly polite. Sometimes I just can't. I just freeze. And getting a catty reaction is the last thing I need. I didn't want anyone to stop for me, usually I walk around cars. The way I feel is not normal and probably beyond social anxiety, I cannot function at all anymore and especially not with strangers.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I've been there, but that was a long, long time ago, when I had basically just met people for the first time after 16 years of isolation. Have you been completely isolated from society for an extremely long time too?

Can you look at faces, or you feel extremely uncomfortable/freak out too?

 

[thalassa]

I feel completely shut out from society and very alienated/unreal. I do generally spend time by myself or with one person I know. I have never had years of going out, friends to do things with or any real place or purpose, nor have I had people in my life who looked after me. When I go outside I am completely anonymous, I don't know many people at all. This intense fear has become a lot worse in recent years, and yes I don't look at faces at all. Sometimes I try to do it and it comes across as very awkward.

It seems as if no one has guided me into social life/society. Which is also the case. All the wrong factors at once I suppose.

 

[IgnoredOne]

My suggestion is more general, then,

1) Do your best to ignore everything what other people say or criticize. Its not easy, I know, but make it a goal. They haven't been isolated, they don't understand, and its not worth it to try to make them happy.

2) Make a plan for yourself to break out of your isolation. Small steps, focusing on your particular issues of fear - you will have quite a bit, so you want to look for where you are /most/ capable in. Try to be happy with, for example, being able to go out and check out. Celebrate each small step.

3) Make a purpose for going out. When I was in college and had a little bit of money, I made sure that I went out to a different restaurant every week. Mentally I thought that I was doing it to check out restaurants, but also, just to have a reason to go out. And I was reinforcing the positive through food, setting up a conditioning for me to want to keep going out.

And yes, it doesn't hurt for people to make an effort to be kind. Most people don't, alas. Be grateful that you understand that and when you finally do get out of your fears, which I have every faith that you will, try to keep those lessons with you.

 

[septicemia]

You need to change how you are perceiving things. What part of every day life makes you feel so threatened and unsafe? People in cars stop for peds. because they want to keep them safe, its how people show strangers that they care for you, and are doing their part to keep you safe. People really do care for their fellow humans, one just has to accept the little nuances of caring that strangers throw at us.

Have you ever sought therapy? It sounds like you need some help changing your inner dialogue.

 

[thalassa]

Thanks for the suggestions.

I have a therapist, I go twice a month, but I have so many problems that there is not just the one thing she is working on with me. It basically just keeps me somewhat sane to see a caring human being that acknowledges my situation and sees my struggling.

I feel scared of life, I feel threatened by young people (with whom I've had bad experiences), I dread every contact with a stranger or someone I've seen before. It is sheer dread and panic to the point of my heart nearly stopping if I have to walk past people. Sometimes this reaction isn't so strong and I try not to focus on them that much. I just feel trapped in an aquarium full of people and I seem to be screaming that I want out. The irony is that I want to be in it, I would like to be loved and cared about. Strangers to me are threatening because they embody everything I do not have and everything I have never been granted: family, love, friendship, belonging, acceptance. It may sound weird, but that's how I perceive it. I have a severe attachment disorder and it seems it even plays out with people I do not know at all.

 

[septicemia]

But chances are, most of the people you pass on the street are hurting too! A lot of people feel disjointed from society, and social anxiety is at an all time high these days. You have to get inside your own head and learn to talk your self down some, you are letting your brain run away with itsself. And anxiety is such a self feeding thing, I know for me I often am more upset and freaked out over the symptoms my anxiety produces, the nausea, shaking, and sweating, then the actual situation I am having anxiety over, because when I think about it, the situation itsself is completely benign, they are situations that most other people encounter every day in their lives and dont give it a second thought.

I am sure there are other people besides your therapist that know you and care about you, maybe you just dont realize it? Have you done any self help work? I have found some little tidbits here and there on the internet that have helped me get a bit of a handle on my anxiety. Mostly I have taught myself how to somewhat talk my self down from my anxiety a bit. Just because my body is reacting in a way that it would if something threatening was happening, does not mean what is happening is truly threatening, and I can begin to tell myself that this is a perfectly normal situation (whatever it is), nothing bad is happening, its just everyday life, and so on and so on. It really does help!

 

[Ak5]

I am wondering if your actions are being perceived as plain and simple rude. LIke, at the crosswalk, its pretty standard common courtesy to make eye contact, smile, and/or wave to people who stop for us to cross, yes, even if we as pedestrians have the right away. It literally takes a half a second to crack a fake smile and wave.

Going into the shop, did the people leaving have to get out of your way, or did they hold the door open for you? Again, its just common decency to acknowledge/thank people for things like moving out of the way so you can walk there, and especially if someone holds a door for you, a thankyou is the right thing to do, and one will be perceived as really rude for not doing so.

You are looking at things way too black and white, bubbly and rude are not the only two options of how people behave. You dont have to feel it to crack a quick smile at someone. People are social, interacting creatures. Just like with anyting we arent used to doing, it can be really difficult at first, but the more you do it, the easier it is, the same applies to interacting with others.

I get it that you have anxiety about interactions with people, but the way it looks to others is that you are just being a snobby biatch. I say push yourself outside of your comfort zone, if someone stops for you to cross in a cross walk, acknowledge them, if someone holds a door for you, thank them. Really you get what you put out, so if all you are getting back is negativity, you know what energy you are putting out to the world. DO put on a fake mask of happiness. You dont have to walk around with a goofy smile plastered on your face all day, but do try to make an effort to acknowledge people who are trying ot interact with you, in a pleasant way.

A couple of weeks ago I was going to the funeral of a dear friend of mine who was taken much too soon in a horrible car wreck. I had a package to ship out before I went, so I had to go to the post office. I was standing there, looking at the floor, engulfed in my sorrow and misery of the loss, when a lady in line a head of me started talking to me about the hard freeze and getting her tomatoes in. At first I was offended that she would talk to me, couldnt she tell I was totally have a horrible day and was wallowing in my misery? But really, why shouldnt I engage strangers when they are reaching out? Maybe she too has much sorrow or loneliness in her heart, maybe that was her attempt to make her self feel better, and if I had been closed off to her, who knows how much hurt I may or may not have caused. Why should it be all about me and how bad I am feeling? It was NOT easy to break out of myself and engage her in conversation, I really had to push myself to speak, but in the end I felt better for doing so. Thats one of the problems with the world today, there are billions of us and we all just go around acting like its all about us, like we are the ones who matter the most, but the truth is, is that we are all in this shithole together, we all need to make an effort to be kind, and make things more pleasant in general. Thats my take on things at least.

This.

And, sorry about your friend Septicemia.

 

[septicemia]

Thank you Ak5

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I might come off as being arrogant to certain people...but I must live my life. I cant please everyone
and cannot conform to everyone's else morALs, vaules, standard, beliefs, ideas, opinons...etc.


I read..PRESENCE

How to use your positive energy.

It gose into details of how to be presence with people.

It uses circles as an annalogy.

1 being passive
2 being prsence (connection)
3 being aggresive.

An example of being in circle 1 is a famouse movie star just trying to live a normal life..such as going
shoping or a jog without drawing attention. So they will retract or become stealthy.
This will work in a lot of situations or appropriate situation.
It works agains us when we start thinking we're less than or ISOLATE.

An example of being in circle 3 is a leader or a speaker. Drawing attention from a masses.yet still
not making connections with anyone on an indiviual level. Of course coming off as arrogant.
Commanding or controlling. Their way is the only way...ect.
This will also work in appropriate situations...suchs as taking command of a task at hand with leadership. Such as an enmergency.
But it'll work against us when we tell other people are wrong for not agreeing with us all the time or have the same common goals.
There's different ways or routes of getting to the same place
Nobdy like to be made feel less than or intiminated all the time.

We all phase in and out of these circles. Its learning how to use to work for us instead of against ourselves.

Being in circle 2 is EQUALLY. No big I or little U. Or no big U or little I.

It gose into details about our self esteem.

A leader or a person thinking he/she is better than everybody else dosnt nevessary mean that person
have good self esteem. Its just a mask or cover to cover up that person's low self esteem.

The book actaully had help me a lot...to be OPEN to my finace. To be presence with her.
Allowing her to love me...not the other way around like I used to be. To try to fix her.
I used to think I had to be stronger than her. It gave her the vibe of me thinking I'm better than her.
Being in circle 2 is bring us closer as a couple. A stronger connection. Im not more or less than her.
Allowing her to be her. Allowing her to love me the way she wants to express her love for me...not always what I think how
she should act like or be like towards me.

 

[LaughRiot]

Anyone else have this issue?........
I am quite sick of this really: the moments when I can't bear to look at someone or speak a word or hastily do something to get out of the situation **because of severe social anxiety!!!** - I'm perceived as arrogant.

No, this exact same thing happens to me. I am not a shy guy, but sometimes I'll get a bit nervous (so I guess to protect my ego) I go into a "emotionless" state and sort of just go at it, and yes I won't smile or say much. I guess you could say, "I'm playing it cool".

I realized this was a problem when some of my female friends just spoke up and said "Yeah..that's a COMPLIMENT...HELLO?" (They complimented me but I gave an almost non existent reply/gesture) - then I realized it - by trying to be cool or emotionless, I'm creating this aura of "arrogance".
I am quite possibly one of the most considerate, realistic, and down to earth people by the way. So it PAINS me to know that people think of me as ARROGANT.

I know how you FEEL EXACTLY, unfortunately people are just stupid sometimes and jump to quick judgments.
ANOTHER BIG reason is that interaction between humans is a DELICATE procedure, I've realized this from people exploding at me because I'm so "non nonchalant" and "arrogant".

Unfortunately your only method to deal with this is to explain yourself to close friends. Anyone else? Just force a smile or just say you're feeling like crap.
This is unfortunately the only way to deal with this from my experience. I've gone through college with this crap and now I work at an agency that deals with clients on a daily basis. Trust me, I know how you feel. I hate forcing to fake smiles or etc, and I know how sensitive women are at times.

And don't be so negative, that mindset will only cloud you in the long run. Hope this helps...and hope people stop perceiving you as arrogant.

 

[flaneur]

Wow, reading your post was like looking into a mirror. I, too, get perceived as arrogant due to severe social anxiety and not being able to look at people sometimes. Furthermore, as a male, I can't tell them that I'm just socially anxious and not arrogant, because I worry it will make me appear weak and unattractive, so I just let them continue to perceive me as arrogant. This has cost me friends and girlfriends, and has been the bane of my existence. Thank you for making me realize that I'm not the only one dealing with this level of social anxiety and being misunderstood because of it.

 

[roguewave]

Hey thalassa I know exactly how you're feeling as well. I am quiet and usually keep to myself so the first time someone approached me as being arrogant, I was shocked. It amazes me how people can't pick up on the difference between being arrogant and being socially anxious.

The majority of the advice given to you on this thread is good if your goal is to no longer be seen as arrogant by training yourself to conform to standard social etiquette. I went this route for a while but I felt really fake because I *am* standoffish and distant to people I don't know. Evidently, after I got over caring whether other people think I'm an arrogant prick I figured out that I don't much care for superficial etiquette rules. This doesn't mean I don't care about how I treat other people, but the learned pleasantries are so boring and unnecessary in my opinion. Try and practice them if you feel it's important but if it's sucking up all your energy is it worth it? My best advice is to try and stop caring what other people think about you.

I would counsel you to act the way you feel in your heart. Act in a way that reflects YOU in all of your uniqueness and uncertainty. If you are actively trying to make friends/get a job/make a "socially correct" impression, then of course you'll need to use the etiquette facade. If not, don't sweat it. There are so much more important things to worry about such as how you treat those who are close to you.

 

[SofiasMami]

* Zebra crossing (these make me feel so awkward and I can't stand that interaction even with people in vehicles), I didn't want a car to stop for me but they did, I just quickly cross over and have a mean female scream "THANKS!! YOU'RE WELCOME" from her window...

Hi-
I laughed a little at this - not at you or your situation - but because that witch sounds way more f*cked up than you or any of us here. At least you don't yell crap at strangers, for god's sake.
I used to be way more introverted and shy than I am now and there were days at a time when I didn't go out and/or even say a word to anyone. I know I came across as arrogant sometimes.
If you've been abused by others, which I gather you have been by your posts, it's normal to be cautious and close yourself off to others.
You can try little baby steps with being more sociable. You may never want to be the center of attention but if you practice here and there, you can learn to interact with people.
I hate small talk even though I have to do it a lot at work. But I do it and I'm pretty decent at it, though I still hate it
Good luck - I see you're in therapy so I think you will be ok, it will just take time.

Teresa

 

[TropicalStarfish]

You might just be suffering from extremely unusual high levels of awesomeness.

Famous people tend to be, well, super awesome or pretty freakin' awesome.

However, when you start approaching levels of super mega awesomeness, or mega mega awesomeness, you run into problems.

For example, my awesomeness level is probably in the ultra ultra ultra mega ultra category by now. It's probably way off the scale of any normal measurements of awesomeness and definitely is over 9000.

It's not that I'm arrogant. I'm just 10000x way more awesome than anyone else, probably even more awesome than that.

I used to not even realize how awesome I was. I walked around thinking that I was lame and sooo not cool, even a loser. Fairly awesome people would try to engage me in conversation all the time and I was always reluctant to get to know them. It's as if they sensed something in me, but couldn't put a word on it.

Then one day, I realized how awesome I was. And not only was I awesome, but I was mega mega super ******* awesome. I realized that as soon as I woke up, awesome! When I took a shower it was awesome. Looking in the mirror, fuckin' awesome. Putting on my socks, pfft, awesome, etc, etc...

I began to own my awesomeness. I realized that everyone I came in contact with instantly became more awesome by association. Things I touched that were once lame suddenly became awesome. Then some new problems began to present themselves. The secret was out. Everyone knew how awesome I was. Before I was no threat. I didn't know how awesome I was, so people could associate with me and leach off my near infinite supply for free. The burden of knowing my true level of awesomeness was too great. I was surrounded by awesomeness and my mind was totally blown beyond measurable limits.

I was never the same after that. I fear my level of awesomeness is beyond all human comprehension now, including my own. Every once in a while some one will approach me with that look that says, "wait... wait a second... is that guy totally fuckin' mega super ultratastically ultra ultra awesome?" However, such inklings are dismissed faster than they arrive. My level of awesomeness is just far to high to be recognized anymore. And when people do recognize my awesomeness their minds are usually so totally blown they just can't handle being around me anymore. I spend most of my days trying to protect people from my awesomeness and spare them from having their minds utterly blown beyond comfort. Most people who come in contact with me now just end up thinking, "wow, that guy seems pretty lame and moderately to intensely not cool, and definitely no where near awesome." It's better that way.

You sound like you might be in the mega mega range of awesomeness. Maybe that particular day your awesomeness level shifted into the ultra range and it disturbed a few people that were almost pretty awesome. People with less awesomeness just resent you for blowing their minds so unexpectedly. Some people's level of awesomeness is so mediocre they just aren't always prepared for having their minds so totally blown.

 

[Rebelwithoutacause]

I have this issue and I hate it but I'm learning to smile now so say what you like but I'll smile at you I will not look bothered by what you say although I am bothered really

 

[mug]

thalassa, hello! I can totally relate. I spent years as a wallflower, shy and speaking up very little and I realized by some comments I was seen as arrogant and judgmental. When I would speak up, even if I said "Hey, it's raining outside." People would snap back at me. But it never made sense to me that shyness should be such an unforgivable social crime

Then the pain and reality of no friends made me scared and angry and I went the other way- bold, talking over other people, not tempering what I said or how I said it. I'm still there today. I can't figure out balance or how to being normal. Anyway---

Some thoughts for you:
Maybe ask your therapist about group therapy. It will help you speak to and around others without fear of judgement, other people just like you. It can be a great low stress practice environment.

Also, don't know if this applies to you, but do you overthink social situations? I am not smart but I can analyze the possible outcomes of any social situation in under 1 second (lol) and that overthinking can get me in trouble. Where other people don't think so much they just act and react naturally to others.

For example: I had a large group of women and their kids over one day years ago. As a mother and her 3-year-old made their way down the steps to my basement, the little girl slipped on the carpeted step and fell slightly and began crying. I was near the steps but my thought was this little girl has never laid eyes on me before and if I touch her I can tell by her emotional state at the time I would make matters worse. That analysis went thru my mind before she was upright again. Well, the mother and others gave me the evil eye and "tsk, tsk" because I had not reached out and helped her. (btw the child was not hurt or in any danger and her mother was 1 step behind her).

I seem to have to analyze every situation and this overthinking causes me to appear cold, I can't just react. So, possibly think about if you have analyzing thoughts like that that stop you from doing what others consider "the right thing to do or say".
mug