Between worlds

[towelie]

Hey guys, first time poster.
I have a lot on my mind, and no-one I feel I can really turn to, so thought anonymously on the internet was possibly my best option.

So a bit of background. My dad moved to the USA when I was 12, and I spent a lot of time visiting him, made a bunch of good friends, but they were friends that I saw when I was there, and didn't talk to when I was back in England. I attended school in England, had a lot of friends my whole life, went to university, did a masters and now am doing a PhD a long way away from everyone I know. I've been in this new place for a year now, and although I have made friends, I don't really feel like I connect with them. I'm starting to feel like my life is in America. My friends that I used to only see when I was here have become my best friends, thanks to technology and the likes of facebook, viber etc.

I've had a girlfriend for a number of years, and I love her, but I feel disconnected from her. a few months ago she said she wanted to end it, I fought for her because I knew nothing else. I ended up coming out to America in a couple months later and hooked up with one of my friends who I've known since she was 8. It made me realise that I have real feelings for her. I thought it was over with my girlfriend, and went back to England ready to end it all, as that is what she wanted. When I got back she told me what a mistake she had made, and that she wanted me back and for it all to go back to normal. I agreed and never mentioned what happened whilst I was away. All this time though I was thinking about the girl in America, and went back a couple months later, we got drunk and I ended up back with her on my first night. Now she is not the sort of girl who likes to sleep around, and the next day she told me that she doesn't think that she should drink around me because she can't control herself and as I had a girlfriend, I couldn't give her what she wanted. Now from my perspective, I would give up my girlfriend for her, the issue is that I live 3000 miles away.

Now I don't know what to do. I know the right thing is to break it off with my girlfriend, but truthfully I would never cheat on her with anyone else. I have fallen in love with this American girl, but I know I can't be with her because of distance. I still love my girlfriend and care about her very much. I still want to make her happy and look after her etc, and I don't want to break it off with her, just to be single and unable to be with the girl I truly want. Once I have finished my PhD (2 years) I want to move out to America and have a go with this girl, but 2 years is a long time and she may have found someone by then.

I'm not expecting much sympathy from you guys, I know I haven't acted appropriately, but I can't help how I feel. I have no-one to talk to about this because I don't want to humiliate my girlfriend by telling people I cheated. I feel so lonely. I've made a real mess of my life, I know I'm not a nice person. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest. I just want to cry. Any comments welcome.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Firstly, welcome to the forum.

I can see how tangled up your situation might seem to you. But that's cos you kinda put yourself in it..

Well the way I see it, there are 2 options that I feel is morally right and what you should do.

1. Talk to your girlfriend about how you feel and the situation between the both of you and also tell her the truth about the other girl.
OR
2. Because she has attempted suicide before and might have some issues, if you feel that telling her the truth about the other girl might trigger something negative and drive her to attempt it again, then you could end the relationship because there is no point if you're mostly only thinking about that girl in America.

Either options might drive your girlfriend to do something negative to deal with it (hopefully not). Maybe there is a good time that you know when you can tell her. Maybe your gf is doing better now and telling her the truth won't be as bad as I'm thinking it would be here.

But NOT telling your girlfriend what's going on and who you're thinking of mostly is really selfish in my opinion. Everyone deserves honesty, no matter how painful it can get. But again, your situation is tricky since your gf was suicidal and you didn't mention much about how your gf is doing now, if she's much better or still have issues about wanting to end her life.

Good luck, though. Hope this works out in the best way for everyone involved.

 

[Tealeaf]

I think it's worth considering the lack of a future you're seeing with your current girlfriend. You might care about her, but you want to go back to America for another girl in 2 years. What kind of a future is she expecting with you? Probably not to send you off to a different country alone after years together.

Don't just keep someone because you somewhat love them and the alternative is to be single.

 

[towelie]

Thanks guys.
What you have both said is true, and I know I am wholly responsible for the situation. I never meant for this to happen, but I can't help the way I feel.
I don't think the American is up for a long distance thing, she is young and enjoying life, and I don't want to ruin her college years, but at the same time I know things are not sustainable with my girlfriend. I'll end up with no-one, but I know what the right thing to do is, it's just about having the balls to do it

 

[thelonegamer]

You can't blame yourself for feeling what you feel. Come on, if you love the US girl, you love her. Period. You can't change that. And you started going out with her when your UK girl had broken up every ties with you so, you kinda have no fault in here. If you didn't cared about the UK girl, you would have told her about the US girl. But I clearly see you still do. You need to make a decision, man. You are at no fault here. Just make a move and be happy with your choice. If you tell your UK girl about the US girl and she doesn't trust you no more, there's nothing you can't do. Because you weren't cheating on her, you thought everything was over and if you didn't thught of it that way you would probably not have been with the US girl so... Best of luck