ThePsychologist
Active member
- Joined
- Dec 31, 2009
- Messages
- 43
- Reaction score
- 0
Hey guys,
Been a long time since I last made a topic.
And as always, I only make topics when things are going bad
Those who have followed my threads will know that I have a GF that I have met through group therapy. Especially the last month is going much better than the previous months.
In this topic I will first give a few examples and will finish with an conclusion that are all connected through those examples.
Putting that aside, I have an emotional problem. This problem is being addressed through group therapy. I have an anxiety disorder that fuels my blocking of emotions (I think).
Now I don't block everything out. I can still laugh when I am surrounded by the right people, but still, I am certain that I have a lot of anxiety and sorrow hidden somewhere deep inside of me. I feel fear a lot, but I cannot cry (you know, with actual tears).
Example 1:
I think I fake a lot of emotions without really realising it. I suppress emotions sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously. I do this conscious when I am alone with my parents. For example: When I get home and had a great day, I am still smiling when I park my bike, but when I get to the door of my house, I put on my neutral face. I don't smile, I think I look sad (my neutral expression is the look of sadness, even though I might not feel sad). When I say "hi" to one of my parents, it will be very neutral. When they make a joke, I do not try to laugh, even though I might find it funny, I somehow have the urge to keep my "neutral" exposure. For some reason I don't want them to see I am happy. But I have no idea why I do this. It does not make any sense.
That was an example of a conscious part where I block out happiness.
Example 2:
But there is also an unconscious part. This happened recently in group therapy. One of our new group members has a lot of communication problems and started blaming the group and the therapy on how she does not feel supported. She started yelling, crying and shouting at everyone and thus also at me.
During this confrontation, other group members started to cry and walked out of the room (yes, it was that hectic). But I stayed. I felt a bit of fear, but remained frighteningly calm. I collected my thoughts and I started to advice her on issues she was facing, all the while when she was still crying. I think I gave the best kind of advice to my abilities and I know I was spot on. But even though my advice was great, it did not get across to her.
One week later after this happened, we looked back at that hectic previous week. We discussed what happened. And our psychologist from the group therapy said that I showed no sign of emotion throughout the whole session, even though I was confronted with great threatening emotion from an other group member. Where other people started to cry, I remained very very calm and tried to REASON with the conflicting group member. The psychologists noted this as abnormal behaviour (which it is). They said that if I would put anger (the feeling that I should have felt when I was confronted by the other group member), if I would put anger into my intonation of words, if I said my arguments to her differently, told them in a more convincing way, all that what I said could then perhaps come across to the other conflicting group member. But it didn't. I spoke (according to my GF) in a monotonous voice with a lack of emotion. Like a robot.
What I DID feel though, was "cut scenes in my head", "flashes", all in my head, images of how I would hurt this person that was talking to me. How I could use the table that was in the room and throw it at her face and make her bleed.
I know this is absolutely bizarre and perhaps a bit freaky. I am used to this know though. Sometimes I just "zone out" for a split second and feel ENORMOUS feelings of hate disgust and anger, all in a second, paired with horrific imagery. I can feel my hand grabbing the table and smashing it into her face.
But of course I did not do this. This is just something that plays in my head from time to time. It sometimes happens once a day, sometimes once a week. But it is there.
These flashes go through my head when people irritate me and I am feeling generally bad.
The funny thing is, no one would EVER expect these kinds of thoughts from me. From the outside I am mr calm, from the inside I am a violent person.
Please keep reading, I am getting to my point soon :rolleyes2:
And now the final example, the one about sex.
Example 3:
You might perhaps have read in my previous topic how I am having troubles with going along with my sexual urges. When I am having sex with my GF, it all feels logical to me. I don't really go "into the zone" of the sexual tension. Something is holding me back, a giant force that prevents me to do what the hell I want in bed. This is really important. It is important because when I don't make use of these urges, sex basically becomes meaningless except for the final release. And I don't want that to be what sex is all about for me. I just, so badly, want to FEEL, go in a sexual frenzy and drive my girlfriend crazy. BUT I JUST CANNOT DO IT! A force is holding me back and it is very very very hard to break.
My girlfriend notices this and from time to time stops sex in the middle because (I think) she notices that I am not truly enjoying myself. This hurts her, because she thinks we don't have that special bond. And every time that happens, it makes me feel bad about myself, because it would feel as if I have failed and am slowly destroying our relationship.
I just don't feel fulfilled like this.
----
Conclusion:
I think that for a big part of my life, I have "faked" a lot of "emotions" and now have trouble knowing what is general emotion and what is not. I pretend to have emotion to fit in the group and get social recognition.
I am slowly starting realise this (the last few weeks) and it is troubling me. I talk openly about this with my girlfriend and I think she is a bit freaked out about it because she might not know when I am actually having fun or am "having fun" because it fits the social situation. I don't know it myself anymore. This is all highly confusing to me.
I think I have a lot of anger inside of me. So much anger that it blocks out certain emotions. Making me do not want to think about certain threatening things, things I block out of my mind.
I cannot cry. I have ONLY depressing songs on my iPod. There is not ONE HAPPY SONG in there. I even have a guy who recorded himself genuinely crying as a ******* .MP3 file and I listen to it and ENJOY IT! How messed up is that? I ACTUALLY ENJOY LISTENING TO A PERSON THAT IS CRYING! I sometimes think that I listen to a lot of depressing songs to make up for the wrong balance in my emotional zone. But that is more a "fun "fact"" than anything serious.
All the art I make is highly disturbing and unsettling to people. This has to come from somewhere...
This is what I wanted to say. I feel like I could go on for ages, but I have to draw the line somewhere. I hope I haven't shocked you too much (I think there are some disturbing bits in this text). I would love to hear some replies.
The reason why I made this thread in the Relationship section is because my core problem (the reason why I go to group therapy) is slowly wrecking my relationship.
I guess my question is: How can I let all the anger come out without hurting anyone in the process? I want to feel everything, feel all my emotions. I don't want to hide anymore...
Been a long time since I last made a topic.
And as always, I only make topics when things are going bad
Those who have followed my threads will know that I have a GF that I have met through group therapy. Especially the last month is going much better than the previous months.
In this topic I will first give a few examples and will finish with an conclusion that are all connected through those examples.
Putting that aside, I have an emotional problem. This problem is being addressed through group therapy. I have an anxiety disorder that fuels my blocking of emotions (I think).
Now I don't block everything out. I can still laugh when I am surrounded by the right people, but still, I am certain that I have a lot of anxiety and sorrow hidden somewhere deep inside of me. I feel fear a lot, but I cannot cry (you know, with actual tears).
Example 1:
I think I fake a lot of emotions without really realising it. I suppress emotions sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously. I do this conscious when I am alone with my parents. For example: When I get home and had a great day, I am still smiling when I park my bike, but when I get to the door of my house, I put on my neutral face. I don't smile, I think I look sad (my neutral expression is the look of sadness, even though I might not feel sad). When I say "hi" to one of my parents, it will be very neutral. When they make a joke, I do not try to laugh, even though I might find it funny, I somehow have the urge to keep my "neutral" exposure. For some reason I don't want them to see I am happy. But I have no idea why I do this. It does not make any sense.
That was an example of a conscious part where I block out happiness.
Example 2:
But there is also an unconscious part. This happened recently in group therapy. One of our new group members has a lot of communication problems and started blaming the group and the therapy on how she does not feel supported. She started yelling, crying and shouting at everyone and thus also at me.
During this confrontation, other group members started to cry and walked out of the room (yes, it was that hectic). But I stayed. I felt a bit of fear, but remained frighteningly calm. I collected my thoughts and I started to advice her on issues she was facing, all the while when she was still crying. I think I gave the best kind of advice to my abilities and I know I was spot on. But even though my advice was great, it did not get across to her.
One week later after this happened, we looked back at that hectic previous week. We discussed what happened. And our psychologist from the group therapy said that I showed no sign of emotion throughout the whole session, even though I was confronted with great threatening emotion from an other group member. Where other people started to cry, I remained very very calm and tried to REASON with the conflicting group member. The psychologists noted this as abnormal behaviour (which it is). They said that if I would put anger (the feeling that I should have felt when I was confronted by the other group member), if I would put anger into my intonation of words, if I said my arguments to her differently, told them in a more convincing way, all that what I said could then perhaps come across to the other conflicting group member. But it didn't. I spoke (according to my GF) in a monotonous voice with a lack of emotion. Like a robot.
What I DID feel though, was "cut scenes in my head", "flashes", all in my head, images of how I would hurt this person that was talking to me. How I could use the table that was in the room and throw it at her face and make her bleed.
I know this is absolutely bizarre and perhaps a bit freaky. I am used to this know though. Sometimes I just "zone out" for a split second and feel ENORMOUS feelings of hate disgust and anger, all in a second, paired with horrific imagery. I can feel my hand grabbing the table and smashing it into her face.
But of course I did not do this. This is just something that plays in my head from time to time. It sometimes happens once a day, sometimes once a week. But it is there.
These flashes go through my head when people irritate me and I am feeling generally bad.
The funny thing is, no one would EVER expect these kinds of thoughts from me. From the outside I am mr calm, from the inside I am a violent person.
Please keep reading, I am getting to my point soon :rolleyes2:
And now the final example, the one about sex.
Example 3:
You might perhaps have read in my previous topic how I am having troubles with going along with my sexual urges. When I am having sex with my GF, it all feels logical to me. I don't really go "into the zone" of the sexual tension. Something is holding me back, a giant force that prevents me to do what the hell I want in bed. This is really important. It is important because when I don't make use of these urges, sex basically becomes meaningless except for the final release. And I don't want that to be what sex is all about for me. I just, so badly, want to FEEL, go in a sexual frenzy and drive my girlfriend crazy. BUT I JUST CANNOT DO IT! A force is holding me back and it is very very very hard to break.
My girlfriend notices this and from time to time stops sex in the middle because (I think) she notices that I am not truly enjoying myself. This hurts her, because she thinks we don't have that special bond. And every time that happens, it makes me feel bad about myself, because it would feel as if I have failed and am slowly destroying our relationship.
I just don't feel fulfilled like this.
----
Conclusion:
I think that for a big part of my life, I have "faked" a lot of "emotions" and now have trouble knowing what is general emotion and what is not. I pretend to have emotion to fit in the group and get social recognition.
I am slowly starting realise this (the last few weeks) and it is troubling me. I talk openly about this with my girlfriend and I think she is a bit freaked out about it because she might not know when I am actually having fun or am "having fun" because it fits the social situation. I don't know it myself anymore. This is all highly confusing to me.
I think I have a lot of anger inside of me. So much anger that it blocks out certain emotions. Making me do not want to think about certain threatening things, things I block out of my mind.
I cannot cry. I have ONLY depressing songs on my iPod. There is not ONE HAPPY SONG in there. I even have a guy who recorded himself genuinely crying as a ******* .MP3 file and I listen to it and ENJOY IT! How messed up is that? I ACTUALLY ENJOY LISTENING TO A PERSON THAT IS CRYING! I sometimes think that I listen to a lot of depressing songs to make up for the wrong balance in my emotional zone. But that is more a "fun "fact"" than anything serious.
All the art I make is highly disturbing and unsettling to people. This has to come from somewhere...
This is what I wanted to say. I feel like I could go on for ages, but I have to draw the line somewhere. I hope I haven't shocked you too much (I think there are some disturbing bits in this text). I would love to hear some replies.
The reason why I made this thread in the Relationship section is because my core problem (the reason why I go to group therapy) is slowly wrecking my relationship.
I guess my question is: How can I let all the anger come out without hurting anyone in the process? I want to feel everything, feel all my emotions. I don't want to hide anymore...
