Boyfriend told me to go and kill myself

[futurecatlady]

Hi-
Have I mentioned yet that there is no excuse for this gardenia's behavior?
Anyone who thinks "well why didn't you just leave when he got angry?", try this question: "Why didn't HE just leave when he couldn't control himself anymore?" The situation happened in his house, but so ******* what? He still could have left. He chose not to and made the situation worse. Sorry, this whole scenario smacks of abuse and victim-blaming.
There's another saying - When someone shows you how they really are, believe it the first time. Forget the rationalizing and analyzing - anyone who abuses another person is not qualified to be in a relationship.

Teresa

I COMPLETELY agree with Teresa. Some people are just not capable of containing their anger in a productive manner. These people may need to be left alone, and it seems like other posters in this thread realize that. What they don't realize is that there is a huge difference between wanting to be alone and violently demanding that somebody else leave. If you are angry, it is YOUR responsibility to take care of it, not the target of your anger. SG was certainly not being disrespectful in any way; if her boyfriend wanted to be alone, HE SHOULD HAVE LEFT. Taken a walk, or left the room, or sat in his car.

Okay. Imagine there's this four year old boy. His mom is shopping. He really needs to pee. He's already told her, but she said to hold it a few more minutes. So now he says it again, with urgency. "Mom, I have to go... NOW!" That kid knows he has to pee, and he knows that he has just enough time to make it to the bathroom before he wets himself.

The mother says, "You're a big boy now. You can hold it. You're going to stay right there while I try on shoes." The boy has an accident, and then the mother rants to everybody she knows about how awful he was.

nerdygirl, I have an idea of where you were trying to go with this analogy, but there is little correlation between a biological function like peeing and how SG's boyfriend behaved. I know that there is such a thing as utterly uncontrollable anger, but this is a unique and complicated problem, not the natural state of things.

SG, there is absolutely no justification for what your boyfriend did or said. I am sincerely upset when people tell the victims of abuse--and trust me, in this situation you are the victim of abuse--that they "had it coming." You did not have it coming. What disturbs me more than anything is the fact that he did not apologize. He should have been sobbing and begging at your feet the next day, at the very least.

As an anonymous internet stranger, I can't tell you what to do about your relationship, but you seem like such a sweet girl. I think you deserve to be happy all the time, not only when it's good. ((((SullenGirl))))

 

[Badjedidude]

What disturbs me more than anything is the fact that he did not apologize. He should have been sobbing and begging at your feet the next day, at the very least.

Yes. He should have been properly chastised and asking forgiveness. The fact that he was apparently "back to normal" the next day isn't a great mark in his favor.

As an anonymous internet stranger, I can't tell you what to do about your relationship, but you seem like such a sweet girl. I think you deserve to be happy all the time, not only when it's good. ((((SullenGirl))))

I feel the same, but I do want to point out that a relationship is never going to be happiness 24/7. There are always bad times... so what SullenGirl maybe needs to do is to decide whether or not this BAD TIME was a deal-breaker or not. Because as I said in an earlier post, if this has happened once, chances are it is going to happen again; especially if the boyfriend refuses to admit that he was wrong or won't apologize about it.

SullenGirl, ask yourself: Is this experience something worth repeating?

If not, then... maybe it's time to take that hard step away from the guy. *shrug*

 

[SullenGirl]

Thanks to all of you again. I am seriously contemplating ending this relationship. I talked to him on AIM today (too upset to talk to him on the phone or in person) and he appologized but only after I pulled it out of him in a kind of indirect way. We had a text discussion about what happened. I didn't bother saying "happy birthday" or anything, I just don't give a honeysuckle right now about his birthday. He had the nerve to say "thanks for continuing to argue with me again on my birthday...that was awesome". What a sarcastic piece of honeysuckle. I don't give two fucks about someone who told me to slit my wrists, having a "pleasant" birthday.

I don't accept his stupid appology and I don't know that this can go on. I want to leave him, I just have to find the "nerve" to do it. I am torn though, because I really do like being around him when things are going good, which is the norm. I don't know what to do right now.

 

[Badjedidude]

I don't accept his stupid appology and I don't know that this can go on.

You shouldn't accept it. It sounds like he's still being a ***** about it... and if he's not really showing remorse, then he apparently honestly doesn't believe that he truly did anything wrong. *shakes head*

I want to leave him, I just have to find the "nerve" to do it. I am torn though, because I really do like being around him when things are going good, which is the norm. I don't know what to do right now.

*HUGS* Yeah, ending a relationship is tough even under less complex & heavy circumstances... but just remember that your goal here is to give yourself a good life. You have a job now; you can stand on your own and be more independent or whatever... so maybe for now that's the direction your life is heading in? I dunno.

No one knows their future, but we sure as hell can fight for a better one.

(((((SullenGirl)))))

 

[SullenGirl]

^Thanks badjedidude, you're right. Maybe this is a time in my life where I need to be independent/alone with myself and sort things out.

 

[Badjedidude]

^^^I'm actually currently going through a period like that. I was with my ex for 5 years, and we were engaged to be married... but for various reasons, she ended up leaving me and moving to another state. The breakup was semi-mutual, so it wasn't really a "dump-bomb" to me, but... it still was pretty ******* hard to go through. I mean, I'd been with this girl for five years... at the time, I didn't know how I could start over and go through the process of meeting someone and learning about them all over again. I mean, I'd done it once (for 5 years!) and it hadn't turned out, right?

So I decided after a few weeks that being single was best for me right now in my life. I set aside all thoughts of pursuing relationships and focused on finishing my college degree and being on my own. Today, nearly a year and three months later (approximately), I find myself nearing my graduation date... but I also find that I feel I'm ready to begin dating and getting "out there" again.

I've rebuilt my confidence, I've looked back on my relationship and learned a lot of things about myself and about relationships, and I've worked on those areas that I found where I had made mistakes... in short, I've had time to be with myself and find out how to operate as an individual instead of as a couple.

Unfortunately, it seems like society tells youngsters these days that they can't survive unless they're paired with someone... and the result is that kids begin looking for LOVE at far too young of an age, and they create this belief in themselves that if they don't have a significant other, that something is wrong with them or they are socially deficient. And that's just plain wrong.

I'm rambling here, so to make a long story short:

I decided to go through a time of being alone with myself, and I found it to be a LOT of help to me. It helped me to regrow and rebuild as well as giving me a chance to be stable as an individual.

So it may be a good idea for you, but as we've all said at one point or another in this thread...

lol

 

[SophiaGrace]

yes I like angry sex

Something tells me you just like sex point blank. lol

---

Hi-
Have I mentioned yet that there is no excuse for this gardenia's behavior?
Anyone who thinks "well why didn't you just leave when he got angry?", try this question: "Why didn't HE just leave when he couldn't control himself anymore?" The situation happened in his house, but so ******* what? He still could have left. He chose not to and made the situation worse. Sorry, this whole scenario smacks of abuse and victim-blaming.
.

Teresa

Omg THANK YOU! ^_^

Kudos for this!

---

Thanks to all of you again. I am seriously contemplating ending this relationship. I talked to him on AIM today (too upset to talk to him on the phone or in person) and he appologized but only after I pulled it out of him in a kind of indirect way. We had a text discussion about what happened. I didn't bother saying "happy birthday" or anything, I just don't give a honeysuckle right now about his birthday. He had the nerve to say "thanks for continuing to argue with me again on my birthday...that was awesome". What a sarcastic piece of honeysuckle. I don't give two fucks about someone who told me to slit my wrists, having a "pleasant" birthday.

I don't accept his stupid appology and I don't know that this can go on. I want to leave him, I just have to find the "nerve" to do it. I am torn though, because I really do like being around him when things are going good, which is the norm. I don't know what to do right now.

He was trying to guilt you. nice. This is a form of emotional manipulation.

god.

He is such a dickwad. -_-

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi-
BadJediDude makes some good points. I was in relationships too for my entire adult life before I split with my ex 3 years ago. I've remained single because I have a young child and no desire to go out partying anymore, so I guess I'm single by accident. But, strangely, I'm the happiest I've ever been. I feel good and life is good. I just had to learn for myself that being single ain't so bad after all.
You do have the nerve and you do have the balls to do what's right for your own sake. It's in you, I promise.
How is your new job going, BTW?
And now I'm going to google Fiona Apple to figure out if that's your avatar! It's definitely an intriguing picture...

-Teresa

 

[SullenGirl]

Hi-
BadJediDude makes some good points. I was in relationships too for my entire adult life before I split with my ex 3 years ago. I've remained single because I have a young child and no desire to go out partying anymore, so I guess I'm single by accident. But, strangely, I'm the happiest I've ever been. I feel good and life is good. I just had to learn for myself that being single ain't so bad after all.
You do have the nerve and you do have the balls to do what's right for your own sake. It's in you, I promise.
How is your new job going, BTW?
And now I'm going to google Fiona Apple to figure out if that's your avatar! It's definitely an intriguing picture...

-Teresa

Yeah it's Fiona Apple! LOL...the job is going good, thanks for asking. I like it so far. It's decent. I like everyone there and I've made a few friends. As far as my boyfriend, we're cool with each other right now but I've decided to take a break from him for like a week or so just because I'm not so excited about seeing him right now.

 

[lomojojo]

Hi-
BadJediDude makes some good points. I was in relationships too for my entire adult life before I split with my ex 3 years ago. I've remained single because I have a young child and no desire to go out partying anymore, so I guess I'm single by accident. But, strangely, I'm the happiest I've ever been. I feel good and life is good. I just had to learn for myself that being single ain't so bad after all.
You do have the nerve and you do have the balls to do what's right for your own sake. It's in you, I promise.
How is your new job going, BTW?
And now I'm going to google Fiona Apple to figure out if that's your avatar! It's definitely an intriguing picture...

-Teresa

Yeah it's Fiona Apple! LOL...the job is going good, thanks for asking. I like it so far. It's decent. I like everyone there and I've made a few friends. As far as my boyfriend, we're cool with each other right now but I've decided to take a break from him for like a week or so just because I'm not so excited about seeing him right now.

I am glad things are looking better for you

 

[snowblind89]

Your post was extremely frightening. I encourage you to read about abusive men, and abusive relationships so you can spot the signs. I have a feeling that this will occur again if you stay with him, it is easy to spot it when it is happening to strangers but difficult to spot when it is happening to you. If you do decide to take him back for some reason, please let this be his last chance.

 

[Floating]

Last night my boyfriend and I got into a horrible argument (over something really stupid but I think it's kind of...personal and maybe inappropriate to talk about on the forum).

He had this scary psychopathic look in his eyes that I have never seen from him and we've been dating almost two years now. I didn't feel like I did anything wrong at all, and I was just crying and crying my eyes out and he was acting like he totally did not care AT ALL. You wouldn't believe how cold he was. He just kept telling me to "GET OUT, GET OUT" of his house and threatening to throw me out and even call the police because I didn't want to leave...he even tried to man handle me out of the front door. I just wanted to sit down and TALK to him but he was being completely irrational and angry. He kept calling me "stupid" and "dense" and throwing all kinds of abusive hateful comments at me (again, over something really STUPID). He also yelled "WE'RE DONE!" etc...

Anyway, I told him something so personal many months ago (thinking I could trust him)...that I used to cut myself and one time I had slit my wrist and ended up in the emergency room, (and subsequently, the psych ward). During this argument, he threw that in my face telling me, "Get out! Go slit your wrist again I don't give a honeysuckle", when I started to cry. Now I wish I had never told him that at all.

I couldn't believe he said that to me...he claims to "love" me but how can you say something like that to someone you "love"? I could NEVER say anything like that to someone that I even passively care about on a platonic level (let alone in a romantic relationship with) no matter HOW angry I am.

He wanted me to leave so he could "cool off" from his anger, but I don't deal with issues in that way. I like to deal with the problem NOW and TALK about it. I was way too upset to drive back to my house in the middle of the night, which is like 20 minutes away.

We did make up that night and I stayed over and left his house this morning...he was acting all normal and kissing me and telling me "I love you" before I drove off. Is he just ******* crazy? Could you ever forgive someone who throws something in your face like that? That really hurt me so badly. I don't think I can ever forgive him. Since I will never forgive him for that most likely, maybe I should just end this? I just fear ending another relationship because before him I already went through a bad break-up.

What makes this all worse is that tomorrow is his birthday (Sep. 2nd) and even though he tried to act like nothing happened (he never even gave a real apology even though he knew he was in the wrong for blowing up like that), I don't know whether or not I should even say happy birthday or buy him anything. Maybe I should just ignore him now and let it fade away. I don't know.

In my opinion, his abusive words about something so painful in your life such as attempted suicide, is a deal breaker. Even though it is painful to find another boyfriend, it is necessary in order for you to ever find happiness. Staying with someone who you can no longer trust with your vulnerabilities will not make you happy in the long run. If you stay with him your self esteem will slowly erode from comments like you are "dense" and "stupid". Trust me, there are men out there who would NEVER say things like this to someone they love even when they are angry. Your boyfriend might have had parents who used verbal abuse to fight. Unfortunately, he is now a verbal abuser himself. If you have kids, he will probably call them derogatory names whenever the gets angry. With kids, these names become permanent scars that can shape their lives forever.

With Kindness and Hope

 

[Floating]

Your post was extremely frightening. I encourage you to read about abusive men, and abusive relationships so you can spot the signs. I have a feeling that this will occur again if you stay with him, it is easy to spot it when it is happening to strangers but difficult to spot when it is happening to you. If you do decide to take him back for some reason, please let this be his last chance.

I agree with you 100%. Her boyfriend shows all the signs of being a verbal abuser.

 

[WasteofSpace]

I haven't read all 6 pages, just the first post. I'd say end it with him this very instant, stop calling, just cut him off completely (I know this might be very hard).

One thing however, I can relate with him on a level. It might be a guy thing, it might be a guys doing drugs sometime in their life thing, but whatever. Anyway, I came home one day from work, opened the door, went in the living room to find my parents there watching tv. Now I'm a guy who has never had a gf and lives like a pig, my house looks like I store garbage just for the heck of it. So finding my parents there was a total shock. At first I said something like "what are you guys doing here? I said call me when you want to visit!" and all that. Before I know I felt this immense anger coming over me, I felt so disrespected, people coming to my own home when they feel like??? I went all red, was furious and told them to gtfo! I started shouting and my dad tried to calm me down, saying it's ok. This only made me even more furious, and honestly, if my mom didn't understand back then and pulled my dad out and left, I swear I would've done something I'd regret for the rest of my life.

 

[LaughingLover]

I've got to say, SullenGirl, you've received some excellent advice from the people on this forum. I stumbled upon this site this evening and just happened to click on your post and thought, "man, I gotta say something." But after browsing through all these comments, I don't think there's much advice I could give that hasn't already been offered!

There is one thing I'd like to share, though. I recently saw an amazing film called Tekkonkinkreet, and a quotation from the opening sequence struck a note with me:

"What is it about the fire? So calm and peaceful, but… inside, all power and destruction. It's hiding something. Just like people do. Sometimes you have to get close to find out what's inside. Sometimes you have to get burned to see the truth."

Who knows what was running through your boyfriend's mind, the night you had that fight. Is his delicate masculinity so fragile that the only way he could cope with your perceived scorn was by taking one of your darkest experiences and throwing it back in your face? Maybe. Maybe it wasn't about the sex at all. Regardless of the reason, it sounds to me like you caught a glimpse of what's inside… and you got burned. :C

I think you should go with your gut instinct on this one. If it were me, I'd be out of there so fast! I'd rather have a scar than a festering wound, even if it means being alone!

Whatever you choose (or have chosen) to do, good luck.

 

[Szka]

wow my bf's birthday is also sept 2nd.
i doubt it s a zodiac thing. lol.

i never told him anything. with your post i am even more convinced that i am not gonna say anything. we 've been together near 2 years too. if i cry, he will freak out. i hate it when it happens. and he d be angry because i don't wanna tell him what is wrong.
but meh.
i cannot just tell him "f you and your games" right... lulz

 

[sacul001]

Is that unwanted behavior? yes, and very unattractive. If my ex ever used a past attempt against me in leverage and kicked me out of her house I would be very, very hurt. There is nothing wrong with you.

On the other hand, I have seen what an attempt has done to the way my loved ones treat and talk to me.

I'm on your side of the fence and believe that when something like that happens (ie you and your boyfriend getting into a nasty dispute) people either call your bluff or they pacify the situation because what you are unknowingly doing is suggesting to them that since you are upset you may kill yourself. Especially if they saw you in the hospital. Its sad that others could use that against us, I agree, but honestly cannot say what I would do or feel in their shoes while looking at me in such a state. I hope I would be nicer than some.

Others don't know what its like to want to die, and we don't know what its like for them to want to live at times.



~Luke

EDIT:

That's so stupid "my jaw hurt" Lol! He does sound like a jerk if hes complaining while making love.

 

[ShybutHi]

Anyone who wishes death upon someone is simply a complete idiot or/and disturbed. Im guessing the person is a bit of an emotional person sometimes?

I come from a background and social circle where any disagreement is dealt with in a rational way... getting emotional is never a good thing when it comes to arguments and can just blow things out of proportion.

 

[yajaira]

Get rid of that piece of honeysuckle! cut him completley out of your life you dont need him

 

[SullenGirl]

Well, here's an update:

We are actually still together, and he apologized. We talked to one another about the argument, and why he said some of the things he said. He told me that he wasn't sure in that moment whether or not he even wanted anything to do with me and so he said anything just to get me to leave, but that he didn't really mean it. I can forgive him, and I have, but I will never forget that.

Anyway, everything is going fine right now, as it always had before this insane argument. Things are back to normal, and I just hope nothing like this happens again. I don't like to argue. So I gave him another chance.