Boyfriends, girlfriends & single life

[firebird85]

^that is what I was saying. Women should practice what they preach

 

[blackdot]

I agree to that as well, Antihero. But I think some people just refuse to believe that everyone's not perfect. And they expect too much from people, instead of just accepting who people are. It is hard to find someone decent that you get along with, but it is possible.

*sighs* I catch myself running into that problem. No one is perfect but I'm spoiled from the fact that the 1st person I met a few years ago was as close to perfect as I could ever get. Unfortunately she didn't know how to date and then after a couple of years realized she may never be ready to date.
So now I get caught up comparing people to her and no one will ever live up to those expectations. Everyone else out there is serious flawed. It's hard to accept the flaws though. Sometimes I can talk myself past the issues but then I remember they are there and isolate myself.

 

[Arsenic Queen]

I just read all of this thread, instead of just skimming, and it makes me sad. Because, women do NOT have it easier. I was never guaranteed nor promised a relationship. Neither gender has it easier over the other, however, people with attitudes that aren't filled with horseshit do tend to have it a tittle bit easier.

Well put there Vanilla. Very true. I appreciate that you speak for us. Even just us women on this "A Lonely Life" forum, reading this, we all landed here, it's for a reason. If it was so easy and fun out there, why would we sit here and post like this?

I agree. It is just hard for a decent human being to find another decent human to take part in their lives.

Very true here too. It's a lot about luck and trying and failing, and not giving up. And about having something to offer to others - sometimes this is the most difficult part.

But it's possible to meet others and create bonds. Just on this forum I already had a few times the proof that it's possible. I found what seems like true friendships. People tied by a mutual admiration, respect and interest towards each other; and valuing their friendships enough to really try and talk the rough edges out as they appear.

I met genuine people who truly want to share something with me and I made them my friends. Could "more" come out of it somewhere, somehow? The potential could be there. Why worry about that? Why rush it? It's like inspiration, pleasure and desire, it has to come by itself, by doing things that stimulate the relationship positively and bring it to... what you want it to be.

Hard to be zen like that when you're worked up with desire and frustration; when you have a lot to offer but no one to offer it to; when you feel like a voice crying out in the wilderness; but if you're not zen it'll just never come. You cannot force romance like you cannot force ideas to come! You'll kill it out of over-wanting it and out of not trusting life enough.

Of course it never seems possible until opportunities DO show up. And sometimes they don't show up until you are truly open to new people, and/or until you act in positive ways to create new opportunities with them.

^that is what I was saying. Women should practice what they preach

I'll tell you something Firebird85. With this attitude, even if a woman here wanted to sleep with you (and at some point at least one of them did!), you kill it. You make them think you hate them, blame them, demonize them even before knowing them and they won't come close to you.

No one likes to get thrown rocks like that. Your "imperfection", whatever it is, isn't the reason why you're single. I know "quite an imperfect" man who's a freaking genius, an awesome rocker, his name is Martin Deschamps. He was born with congenital deformities of all four limbs; he is missing both his left arm and right leg, and has only two fingers on his right hand. He is also just out-of-this-world awesome. Look him up. Many "normal" rockers out there are totally crashed by his immense talent. I don't know if he's single. But he's worshipped and loved by a lot of people.

Most people here have very different "imperfections", some bigger than others. But we're ALL lonely enough to hit this forum to talk about it, and most of us, single. Whatever you got doesn't make you a finished guy, it's your frustration and anger that keeps the others away from you! Open your heart a little more.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Blackdot, I thought that with my ex. He was what I always thought I wanted. And I didn't want to even consider anyone else. Until I started to realize that he wasn't what I needed. I didn't need someone who treated me the way he did. I'm sorry for your situation, because I've been there, but I hope you'll realize that you don't need someone to be that way to you. And I hope you come across someone who you'll see accepts you for all your flaws and that you'll accept her the same.

And Firebird, I don't know why you have such a seemingly steady hatred towards women. I've been hurt by a man, but I won't sit here and claim you all are demon spawns. Once you sit back and observe what you say and how you act, you'd see that it's not anything based on gender, but your attitude that fails you. If I thought all men were horrible, I doubt I'd have a partner either.

And very true, Arsenic Queen. Imperfections are not a reason why someone's single. It's one's attitude. I'm so far from being perfect, and so is my dude. But we accept each other. I believe we have a lot to offer each other on many levels, and in my opinion, that's what makes a relationship. I saw some of a movie called "She's Out of my League" - I think it was called that - and I couldn't help but think back to this forum, and how so many base not only themselves but potential partners on a number scale. Last time I checked, none of us were born with ratings tattooed on our bottoms.

 

[The Good Citizen]

If everyone was perfect this board would be a quiet place.

It should be a chalenge to get along with someone though, we are living, breathing, feeling human beings in a world that moves by at break neck speed with a million and one demands on us everyday. Just to know who you are and be happy with your place in this world is a challenge let alone expecting it from someone else. Some couples seem settled in a comatosed acceptance of apathy toward each other. DO NOT ASPIRE TO THIS!

I'd like to think when you meet 'the one' you move into the eye of the storm and things settle down while everything whirls around you as normal, but it doesnt take much to be dragged back into that chaos. Once you meet someone who's right for you, you have to fight, fight, fight to keep it that way every day for the rest of your life, whatever their own failings to maintain it, you have to ensure you are doing your bit. In future, I am going to do the bulk of the work to make it work and not let pride get in the way. Sometimes the other person isn't as strong as you, you have to take it on yourself to be the senior partner if you want it that bad. In a perfect world the other person will feel the same, but in an imperfect world like this all you can ask yourself is 'did I do enough personally to make it work?' If I'm honest I didn't, I did for 8 months I was spotless and couldn't have asked more of myself then I let my own insecurities get in the way and it went down hill fast as I started asking more of her than she could give at that time in her life. I wont make that mistake next time. next time, next time, next time..jeez what a journey.

*Exclaimer.. I reserve the right to be bitter and lay the blame entirely on her in future posts and this may not be used as evidence to the contrary...**

 

[Arsenic Queen]

Blackdot, I thought that with my ex. He was what I always thought I wanted. And I didn't want to even consider anyone else. Until I started to realize that he wasn't what I needed. I didn't need someone who treated me the way he did. I'm sorry for your situation, because I've been there, but I hope you'll realize that you don't need someone to be that way to you. And I hope you come across someone who you'll see accepts you for all your flaws and that you'll accept her the same.

And Firebird, I don't know why you have such a seemingly steady hatred towards women. I've been hurt by a man, but I won't sit here and claim you all are demon spawns. Once you sit back and observe what you say and how you act, you'd see that it's not anything based on gender, but your attitude that fails you. If I thought all men were horrible, I doubt I'd have a partner either.

And very true, Arsenic Queen. Imperfections are not a reason why someone's single. It's one's attitude. I'm so far from being perfect, and so is my dude. But we accept each other. I believe we have a lot to offer each other on many levels, and in my opinion, that's what makes a relationship. I saw some of a movie called "She's Out of my League" - I think it was called that - and I couldn't help but think back to this forum, and how so many base not only themselves but potential partners on a number scale. Last time I checked, none of us were born with ratings tattooed on our bottoms.

Thanks Vanilla,
Love your comment about exes. Ex people are exes for a reason. We often worship them while it's all about the fact that they are unavailable. This gives them a sort of holy aura and makes them above mortals, and it's not a relationship; it's a sort of false charm, it's just gonna work for a long as they don't do a little something to knock the charm off. A small mistake, something minor, but that confirms they're as human as you are. The minute they do that, we see them for what they're really worth and usually realize why we let them become exes.

Gotta agree with you on the ratings part too. I went most of my life considering myself "brains" before anything else. A few years ago I decided to work on my looks, it worked; but I'm still the "brains" geeky-nerdy girl inside. And I usually look for my partners according to this above anything else. Looks aren't what will make your partner roll you in your chair at age 80 anyway.

It should be a chalenge to get along with someone though, we are living, breathing, feeling human beings in a world that moves by at break neck speed with a million and one demands on us everyday. Just to know who you are and be happy with your place in this world is a challenge let alone expecting it from someone else.

I have to agree with you on this Citizen.

Although, for the rest of your post, I do think it's work to maintain a working relationship, if it's so much "work-work-work" like you say, it's not a relationship, it's a war. Yes hard work is required, but it shouldn't be SO hard that there's more bad days than OK ones.

And as for asking of someone more than they can give... been there done that and the answer to that is simple: when it's like that, slow down. On the expectations, on the pressure, on both sides efforts, on the over-time-spent-together. Slow down.

*Exclaimer.. I reserve the right to be bitter and lay the blame entirely on her in future posts and this may not be used as evidence to the contrary...**

lol. It's good to vent; but you'll know deep down what it's really worth. The only way out is through.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I agree, Queen. For the most part, I do agree with what Citizen said, but it's not work-work-work like that. That is a war indeed. I don't think love should be the battle field that most make it out to be. I don't think you should have to fight so hard, tooth and nail to hang onto something, because if you have to do that, then it's not yours to fight for.

And I've been brains all my life too. I've never been attractive, but beauty fades. My mind, my thoughts and my ideas help me through life. And I'd rather have brain power by my side than to have a pretty face.

 

[The Good Citizen]

Gotta agree with you on the ratings part too. I went most of my life considering myself "brains" before anything else. A few years ago I decided to work on my looks, it worked; but I'm still the "brains" geeky-nerdy girl inside. And I usually look for my partners according to this above anything else. Looks aren't what will make your partner roll you in your chair at age 80 anyway.

Geeky-nerdy is never a negative quality in a woman! I have met maybe 1 girl in my life who's passion for music, films and books knocked me over, I'll never forget her. I have met 1000's of girls who were pretty and nice enough but instantly forgetable.

Looks do matter of course, there has to be an attraction, but its just window dressing really.

 

[VanillaCreme]

. . . I have met maybe 1 girl in my life who's passion for music, films and books knocked me over, I'll never forget her. I have met 1000's of girls who were pretty and nice enough but instantly forgetable.

I like that. More people should realize this. Perhaps more people would start being themselves - because there's a nerd in all of us - rather than trying to be cool and look smooth.

 

[The Good Citizen]

One thing I'll say for myself, most of my ex's have left with a better grasp of music, films and having read a book or 2!

Just to meet someone with an interest in anything would be a start, I hate being an entertainment centre for someone who is bored once xfactor finishes...

 

[Lonesome Crow]

People build a box to put others in.
its s hell of an idea...
Evidently its dosnt work.

Trying to ream something so much
More into a grand illusion but nothing
More than a key hole.

Everyone have flaws.
Shes far from perfect.
I fall way short of a ideal person.
Her heart is just as fragile as mine.
I love her for her. She loves me for me.

 

[The Good Citizen]

I agree, Queen. For the most part, I do agree with what Citizen said, but it's not work-work-work like that. That is a war indeed. I don't think love should be the battle field that most make it out to be. I don't think you should have to fight so hard, tooth and nail to hang onto something, because if you have to do that, then it's not yours to fight for.

And I've been brains all my life too. I've never been attractive, but beauty fades. My mind, my thoughts and my ideas help me through life. And I'd rather have brain power by my side than to have a pretty face.

True I'll accept "fight fight fight" was over emphasising it, I think my point was not to let myself ever get too settled in a comfort zone and assume the hard work was done. Treat every day together as if its your first, not just with gestures but thinking 'what does she really need from me right now'? I have to because its plain to see what losing someone I really cared about does to me and I'm not going through it again anytime soon.

Arsenic Queen I completely agree on the taking a step back when asking too much of someone, I think thats the one thing I've learnt most in the the last few months. I could rectify it in an instant but she's gone.

To get back on Topic though...

I'm 35 - 2 boys who I have shared care off.

I am a serial relationship type, I've never gone longer than 6 months single since my first girlfriend at 18. The first 13 years of my adult life were taken up with the mothers of my 2 children and since then 2 year long relationships have both broken down the most recent 3 months ago. The most recent well its too soon to say for sure but breaking up was devastating and I really miss her, I had something with her I had never felt before and thats not rose tinted, I knew it form the moment I met her she was special. ( I get snappy when people respond with the word rose tinted!)

I'm now single again and not enjoying it but I know that nothing lasts for ever, so sitting waiting for the pain to slip away.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I'm getting really sick of missing romantic opportunities by a hair's breadth

I mean, granted I'm not in the situation to ask anyone out as I've already mentioned. But I seem pretty terrible at responding to girls' advances sometimes.

I always hesitate when a girl first shows interest in me that she doesn't really like me, or I'm not right for her, or vice versa. That goes on for anywhere from 2 weeks to a month. Then I'll suddenly realise that she really was interested and, worse still, that I like her too.

However, by that time she's usually disappeared from my life or is going out with someone else.

Seems like the latter case might be happening right now. The most frustrating thing is I will talk to this girl and she'll give me a long look that says "I still really like you, but you should have said something."

 

[Arsenic Queen]

I am a serial relationship type, I've never gone longer than 6 months single

Citizen
You seem to me like an intuitive being. Some people were made to share with others, to accomplish great things, and feel like they don't exist if they are not working hard at something. You seem to be one of these people.

Some friends of yours might be tempted to tell you, "oh, a serial dater, then you need to take time off from relationships and sort out your unresolved emotions from previous breakups"...

bs. What works for you works for you. If you can't stay idle and don't like to sit in a void mud, then just don't. Find a new great project to throw yourself in.





Solitary, methinks you just need to build yourself more confidence and calm your inner demons/angels fight a little. Try something. Don't aim for perfection so much. Do it like a creative process. You dip, you try, failure can happen and is part of the learning. If it's not "it", you'll figure a few reasons why and do better the next time. It's like with job interviews, from one to the other you get better, but there has to be a first one.

Like Hannibal Lecter's mom said, the most important in life is to always try new things.

 

[ShybutHi]

Single. Only had one gf (which lasted a few months) when I was 17, now im 25. I got scared of it becoming something serious among other things. How ignorant and selfish I was to end it with someone who I think actually really liked me for who I was.

I will be single all my life not that I want to be. There is something about dating and even chatting women up that I find fake and I would never do it, I could only let a relationship happen naturally. Then there is the fact that I am a shy and quiet person who is not very good looking so that means I would probably not be attractive to someone who does not know me.
All my friends are more outgoing than me, better social skills and better looking. They are all in relationships... Infact about 99% of my friends are in relationships and it makes me feel even more lonely having to watch all my friends happy in their relationships.

The only chance I would have would be if a woman was interested in me instead. (funnily enough thats how my first and only relationship started).

I have no experience and do not like to assume that a woman would like me... Also dont have the faintest idea about signs of attraction. Alot of the women I do know in my life (including my old gf) are the type of people that would never hurt a fly and are truly very nice people, the types that dont do drama, good morals and are loyal to their partner and friends.

This coupled with my inexperience means I can not differentiate between a woman just being nice or if there is some kind of actual attraction there and would not ever assume there is.

 

[Arsenic Queen]

---

 

[blackdot]

I've learned that everyone has better options than having to settle for me.

 

[Arsenic Queen]

I've learned that everyone has better options than having to settle for me.

Nah, it's your impossible expectations dear. No one can meet them.

 

[blackdot]

Oh, I know I have high expectations but that doesn't take away that I am not a good "catch".

 

[Arsenic Queen]

Oh, I know I have high expectations but that doesn't take away that I am not a good "catch".

Tsk tsk. It's the way you look at others. Expect less. Accept romance like an imperfect process in itself.