But he's married?...

[CenotaphGirl]

Truth is I lost my dad to COVID near the beginning, I have also been getting over an incident, so I have been feeling extra vulnerable.
I have felt the need to cling to a married man for emotional support and the issue is... his wife is so amazing to me, she let me stay because me and my sister had a huge fight after my dad passed. I managed to get a new place but they both asked me to stay because I cook for them and all their children have flown the nest...

I still come by but I feel that what I do with her husband is inappropriate and makes me a bad person, however, I am single, I guess I just want someone to take the pain away... I think I put myself in terrible situations to have more reasons to hate myself...

I don't want him in any other way than for emotional support but.. well things always get so tricky, my self-esteem is so low so I don't draw the line, I just let things happen, I haven't done much, but I do things to show interest like I sit on his lap when he's just trying to watch TV... I walk around in pjs I wouldn't wear if his wife was home,I know I am being manipulative, I know I'm wrong.

It started out kind, he would offer me a shoulder to cry on nothing more, I was the one always trying to see how far I could take things, for no other reason than to see if I'm still what men want, if i'm still desirable... more desirable than her? I feel like i'm competing with her in my head for her husbands ear? for his support? I just don't understand myself...

I just wish someone could understand that I'm really not trying to be like this, I read a guys post who had a similar situation on here and I just felt so guilty because it's not right to manipulate people.

Sorry I'm just venting...

 

[Colster]

I just felt so guilty because it's not right to manipulate people.

Then you must stop. It's pretty simple. You know that you would be hurt if the situation was reversed. Likewise, how would you feel about causing the pain and anguish of a divorce.

I am certain that there many men whom would genuinely desire you. But at the moment, you are enjoying the power and control, right?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I just felt so guilty because it's not right to manipulate people.

Then you must stop. It's pretty simple. You know that you would be hurt if the situation was reversed. Likewise, how would you feel about causing the pain and anguish of a divorce.

I am certain that there many men whom would genuinely desire you. But at the moment, you are enjoying the power and control, right?

I should stop, but I don't want to, Im trapped in my weird little game and its serious, the consequences are serious. I've told myself never again, but I keep this up maybe because ?? I just dont know, I have tried to think of reasons but honestly, I have no idea. I've never been like this, I have known this guy the majority of my life and have never behaved like this before.

Power and control, I never looked at it that way, I don't feel particularly powerful or in control to be honest, I just trust him, he doesn't care that i'm damaged goods, you know? He understands me I guess.

 

[TheRealCallie]

It is, indeed, a power/control game. My go to was always anger. Easier to be angry than it is to feel the painful feelings that were overwhelming me. He makes you feel the way you used to feel, so you latch onto it and you're afraid to let it go. That gives YOU the power and control that you don't feel you have elsewhere right now.

You said yourself that you feel guilty, so as much as it makes you feel good, you know you don't really want to do it. So now you come to your first test. Is this really who you want to be? Is the way he makes you feel more important than the guilty feelings you have later?
I would recommend taking a step back, not visiting so much for a while, getting your perspective straight. Another thing you should ask yourself is if you want to lose them. If you continue or the wife finds out, you could lose that support system.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

It is, indeed, a power/control game. My go to was always anger. Easier to be angry than it is to feel the painful feelings that were overwhelming me. He makes you feel the way you used to feel, so you latch onto it and you're afraid to let it go. That gives YOU the power and control that you don't feel you have elsewhere right now.

You said yourself that you feel guilty, so as much as it makes you feel good, you know you don't really want to do it. So now you come to your first test. Is this really who you want to be? Is the way he makes you feel more important than the guilty feelings you have later?
I would recommend taking a step back, not visiting so much for a while, getting your perspective straight. Another thing you should ask yourself is if you want to lose them. If you continue or the wife finds out, you could lose that support system.

Wow it's like reading the part of the page that was covered in ink. I was so confused, lost even. But you're both right, maybe it's my way of clinging to who I once was. He made a comment about me being so beautiful and everyone coming to watch me perform and I just felt so overwhelmed, I just wanted him to say I'm still that... But you're right in the fact that I just dont wanna be someone who manipulates and tries to make everyone else around them miserable. I don't want to be the reason they get a divorce and I really dont wanna lose them, I love them both.

As much as I seem like a evil cow, I do love his wife, we've always been close, she has no girls and I've always been her favourite and looked up to her to be honest.

I dont know why I'd do something so cold that I know would hurt her, it's just in the moment, there is always a bit of me wishing, he'd be the "responsible one?" he'd just say no or tell me i'm wrong or that I should stop... because I feel like im not being rational, like I really need help and I feel like I cant really stop myself, like I have honestly tried.

 

[Colster]

Just step away from it. Literally give yourself some space. Else, I fear, you are only self perpetuating your own misery, as you have already clearly defined the consequences and harm.

Collectively, we can tell you all the things you either want or need to hear. However, only you can choose what to do, not him, us, anyone else, just you.

And, for what it is worth, you seem like you have many things going for you. Aim better and higher, I think you are more than capable of achieving it.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Just step away from it. Literally give yourself some space. Else, I fear, you are only self perpetuating your own misery, as you have already clearly defined the consequences and harm.

Collectively, we can tell you all the things you either want or need to hear. However, only you can choose what to do, not him, us, anyone else, just you.

And, for what it is worth, you seem like you have many things going for you. Aim better and higher, I think you are more than capable of achieving it.

You know, I respect your message so much, I am going to try to back off and maybe just see him once a week instead. Thank you

 

[Finished]

BTW, he's not going to stop anything from happening. Nature won't allow it. You are his fantasy. I'm sure I read this story in Playboy the other day, which is surprising because I usually just look at the pictures.

Also nature makes women want what other women have. So, nature is working against both of you.

Screw it! I'm single. I'm coming to get you! You are beautiful just like you used to be. You can trust me.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

BTW, he's not going to stop anything from happening. Nature won't allow it. You are his fantasy. I'm sure I read this story in Playboy the other day, which is surprising because I usually just look at the pictures.

Also nature makes women want what other women have. So, nature is working against both of you.

I hope he will if I don't stop myself properly... to be honest. I really don't want what she has, I just want support but I keep getting it all tangled and making it complicated.

Screw it! I'm single. I'm coming to get you! You are beautiful just like you used to be. You can trust me.

Please don't joke about that, I'm so obsessed with who I used to be, thats all I want is to be myself again. I know I'm no angel... and I am exposing the truth instead of just saying hey im little miss perfect, but I'm honestly not as evil as I've been acting lately, I just really need some help, I just have no idea where to get it... Therapy isn't working yet.

 

[Finished]

I hope he will if I don't stop myself properly... to be honest. I really don't want what she has, I just want support but I keep getting it all tangled and making it complicated.


Please don't joke about that, I'm so obsessed with who I used to be, thats all I want is to be myself again. I know I'm no angel... and I am exposing the truth instead of just saying hey im little miss perfect, but I'm honestly not as evil as I've been acting lately, I just really need some help, I just have no idea where to get it... Therapy isn't working yet.

Understood. Joking aside. He wont stop. He's doing what nature is forcing him to do. At this point you can't stop things from happening either. So, there's only one way to make sure it doesn't happen. You can not be alone with him. Period. That is something that you can control.

I was sexually attracted to other women when I was in relationships. But, I never cheated and I never will. Is it because I have some super powerful control. No. It's because I would never be alone with another woman except for work and only at a professional level. That's the big secrete to not cheating.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Understood. Joking aside. He wont stop. He's doing what nature is forcing him to do. At this point you can't stop things from happening either. So, there's only one way to make sure it doesn't happen. You can not be alone with him. Period. That is something that you can control.

I was sexually attracted to other women when I was in relationships. But, I never cheated and I never will. Is it because I have some super powerful control. No. It's because I would never be alone with another woman except for work and only at a professional level. That's the big secrete to not cheating.

Do you think, he's mad at me, for changing the dynamic? Would you be mad if you was married and someone tried changing the dynamic? I was gonna talk to him about it and say sorry, but I just think it'd end badly

 

[Finished]

I would not be mad at you. I would never let anything get started period because I wouldn't be able to stop it.

But, if it did, I would be mad at myself for allowing the situation to continue. I would be the older, wiser, more experienced person who understood how nature works. You are hurting and needing help. That is not the time to allow things to happen.

I can understand his desires and you teasing him. That's fun. Just like my interaction with you here. It was minor flirting and I enjoyed it. Thank you for that. It's very rare that I ever interact with anybody that may possible be a woman.

But, I don't know the real story. He may be playing you like a deck of cards. I know I probably could. You are in need of help. So, it's really easy to play against that. It can even be called abuse. As in he is abusing the situation. The reality is that you should be mad at him. Not the other way around.

Many times abusers, through manipulation, get their victims, usually younger inexperienced individuals, to feel like it's their fault. When in fact, it's the older persons fault.

At this point, I can't say how he would feel and I don't think it really matters. What does matter is how you feel and how his wife feels. I don't think you've crossed to far over the line. But, maybe you have. Either way it must stop.

IMO, you should avoid being alone with him. If he brings it up then tell him it's not a good idea to do the things you've been doing. A GOOD man would agree with you and appoligize. Then you could possible have a healthy relationship with both of them again, which is probably what you need in the long run. A BAD man would say, "Oh, it's no big deal. I just want a little sugar." Or something to that effect. So, at that point, F him. Don't worry about his feelings. You just say it's not going to happen any more. Then do not be alone with him.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I would not be mad at you. I would never let anything get started period because I wouldn't be able to stop it.

But, if it did, I would be mad at myself for allowing the situation to continue. I would be the older, wiser, more experienced person who understood how nature works. You are hurting and needing help. That is not the time to allow things to happen.

I can understand his desires and you teasing him. That's fun. Just like my interaction with you here. It was minor flirting and I enjoyed it. Thank you for that. It's very rare that I ever interact with anybody that may possible be a woman.

But, I don't know the real story. He may be playing you like a deck of cards. I know I probably could. You are in need of help. So, it's really easy to play against that. It can even be called abuse. As in he is abusing the situation. The reality is that you should be mad at him. Not the other way around.

Many times abusers, through manipulation, get their victims, usually younger inexperienced individuals, to feel like it's their fault. When in fact, it's the older persons fault.

At this point, I can't say how he would feel and I don't think it really matters. What does matter is how you feel and how his wife feels. I don't think you've crossed to far over the line. But, maybe you have. Either way it must stop.

IMO, you should avoid being alone with him. If he brings it up then tell him it's not a good idea to do the things you've been doing. A GOOD man would agree with you and appoligize. Then you could possible have a healthy relationship with both of them again, which is probably what you need in the long run. A BAD man would say, "Oh, it's no big deal. I just want a little sugar." Or something to that effect. So, at that point, F him. Don't worry about his feelings. You just say it's not going to happen any more. Then do not be alone with him.

I feel bad, I'm mad at myself, but sometimes it just feels like I'm always looking for extra reasons to be.

But I am happy you understand I'm really not this evil girl, but it's deffo not him, he was really shocked at the things I was doing and took me on a drive and told me I shouldn't walk around like that and blah blah. He never says anything when I sit on him though, but thats honestly all I do... not sure if that says "I like you" ... or if it says something else.

Well yeah... I am a flirt, but honestly im trying to be witty but it always comes off as flirty, guess we all know where my brain is...lol side note: I like that I'm a possible woman... thanks for not "assuming my gender" lmao

I'm just scared he's gonna think im poison for trying to mess up his marriage...

 

[ewomack]

Don't mess with or manipulate people ever. Don't ever mess with other people's marriages, either. That is never cool. From someone who has had a previous marriage (I've since married again) end with infidelity, "sneaking around" and lying, you need to stop this immediately and remove yourself from this situation. It's not good for you, for him or for his wife. You should feel guilty (I'm glad that you do) and if you can't stop your behavior, then remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible. The man has already told you that he doesn't appreciate it. I don't know why he tolerates you sitting on him, but I would not in that situation. I would probably throw you out, honestly. Just stop it for the sake of yourself and for everyone else involved.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Don't mess with or manipulate people ever. Don't ever mess with other people's marriages, either. That is never cool. From someone who has had a previous marriage (I've since married again) end with infidelity, "sneaking around" and lying, you need to stop this immediately and remove yourself from this situation. It's not good for you, for him or for his wife. You should feel guilty (I'm glad that you do) and if you can't stop your behavior, then remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible. The man has already told you that he doesn't appreciate it. I don't know why he tolerates you sitting on him, but I would not in that situation. I would probably throw you out, honestly. Just stop it for the sake of yourself and for everyone else involved.

You're right, I've been wrong, figuring out how to stop is difficult, I know deep down I don't wanna, and I just hope deep down he wants to stop me, honestly it's a mean ego boost for me, and not worth risking his marriage.

I've been reading things like he's the one in a relationship not me, so he should be the one to make sure nothing happens, not sure if thats a fair way to think about it though.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I've been reading things like he's the one in a relationship not me, so he should be the one to make sure nothing happens, not sure if thats a fair way to think about it though.

And if you didn't know he was married, that might be plausible. But you do, which means it is just as much, if not more, on you because you are the one initiating it and pushing it.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

And if you didn't know he was married, that might be plausible. But you do, which means it is just as much, if not more, on you because you are the one initiating it and pushing it.

Yeah but I made it clear so I guess he should understand and try to put a stop to it? since im the single one? idk, might not be fair, I just want him to be the one because I feel weak...

 

[TheRealCallie]

Just because you feel weak doesn't mean you are. You can find all the excuses in the world to put the task onto someone else, but you started it, so you should stop it.
The path to finding yourself is going to be directly impacted by the choices you make now. So is this who you really want to be? Do you really want to be responsible for destroying a marriage? For losing what sounds like a **** good support system? The choice is yours to make. You want to be strong then do the right thing. You're going to have to at some point, so why not start today.

 

[ewomack]

Another rule worth living by: don't ever expect loyalty from someone who cheated on someone else to be with you.

Also, if cheating happens and both parties know, in my opinion both parties are equally guilty, whether one is single or not.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Another rule worth living by: don't ever expect loyalty from someone who cheated on someone else to be with you.

Also, if cheating happens and both parties know, in my opinion both parties are equally guilty, whether one is single or not.

The issue is I really truly don't wanna steal him, I don't want him for myself at all, its not like that.
And im just not sure what I'd be guilty of... i'm not exactly having an affair since I'm single as a Pringle...
If he wants to be unfaithful to his wife, isn't that his choice? I do things I shouldn't, but deep down the thing I need most is some help, he helps me.

Just because you feel weak doesn't mean you are. You can find all the excuses in the world to put the task onto someone else, but you started it, so you should stop it.
The path to finding yourself is going to be directly impacted by the choices you make now. So is this who you really want to be? Do you really want to be responsible for destroying a marriage? For losing what sounds like a **** good support system? The choice is yours to make. You want to be strong then do the right thing. You're going to have to at some point, so why not start today.

You're right that I started it, but I think he should stop it as I dont feel able to, it's his marriage to protect I just feel overwhelmed by my mental health at the moment, how I feel about myself, I'm not sure how easy his shoulder is for me to give up right now.