Can any lady here help me judge myself?

[ordinaryDude]

I'm 27 and I've never been in a relationship. I never really tried to have one, cos I never really found anyone who drives me crazy, and no girl ever made me feel special to her. Now, I'm wondering if I'm at fault myself. I want to see if a girl finds me likeable, reliable and romantic enough. I would also like to see why no girl has ever really approached me.

So, is there any lady members who can talk to me and help me identify the characteristics that I should improve to make myself approachable for girls?

Thank you.

 

[VanillaCreme]

To make yourself more approachable to females, approach them. Don't know if anyone can really judge you on the matter, but making yourself approachable can mean making yourself available. If you keep yourself in a bubble, not making yourself available, not making yourself approachable, can give off that vibe. I'm not saying you are being a bubble boy, but people breaking out of their shells can do wonders for many aspects of their lives.

 

[TheRealCallie]

To make yourself more approachable to females, approach them. Don't know if anyone can really judge you on the matter, but making yourself approachable can mean making yourself available. If you keep yourself in a bubble, not making yourself available, not making yourself approachable, can give off that vibe. I'm not saying you are being a bubble boy, but people breaking out of their shells can do wonders for many aspects of their lives.

This.

Also, you seem to lack self confidence and since you seem to want women to approach you, it will reflect onto others.
How are you with talking to guys? I assume you have issues talking to women because of the dating aspect and the fact that women are different than you. We really aren't, talk to us and chances are good that we'll talk back.

 

[LonelySutton]

First, do not fret about not feeling love until now. I didn't find anyone who knocked my socks off until I was 30. It is hard to do this without seeing you. I don't mean to suggest that looks make a difference but I think there are a lot of non verbal cues in people's faces and like you can be ugly but have a friendly look to you or be handsome and look mean and grumpy. I am never approached myself and I think it has to do with my appearing to be very independent.

Personally, what I find helps me is (1) the man being comfortable with himself. Relaxed... nothing gets to him. Rolls right off his back; (2) the guy can take a joke and come back with a retort, it doesn't have to shock the world but... and (3) kindness... just be kind to me. Really that is all I want.

Its great to say approach girls but I do think that can be insanely tricky today. I think there are wayy too many wack=o or immature girls that can really have horrible results for guys for no apparent reason.

My suggestion is to join a lot of things were you will meet a lot of people. I think it is a numbers game now..the more people you meet the better chance one will stick but the days of people coming up to you... well over.

 

[ardour]

What's wrong with preferring women approach, women prefer men to and are quite open about it - isn't that a double standard?

 

[Ymir]

What's wrong with preferring women approach, women prefer men to and are quite open about it - isn't that a double standard?

Gotta agree with that.

There's nothing wrong with it but it might make things a little more (and by that I mean a lot more) difficult since most women aren't used to/don't really like approaching first.

 

[ordinaryDude]

I'm actually not at all afraid of talking to girls, I'm very comfortable at that. Although I can keep on chatting with guys for hours, and it's easy with guys as we have many things in common, I find it difficult with girls to maintain long time talking. Making friendship with girls have never been an issue, the issue has been taking to the next level. With all the girls I've made friendship were spontaneous, they were never because I felt attracted, they just happened as I happen to work/study with them. Although at times I did feel slight attraction about one or two of those girls, the attraction never went enough high for me to feel desperate. That's why I wonder why it's not happening, why can't seem to fall in love. These days I feel that I'm not falling in love because I want a girl to make me feel "wanted", only then I may become more interested. No girl has ever made feel that, hence I can't seem to fall in love. So, I'm wondering why I can't make myself that much interesting to girls. Why don't they ever show much of an interest in me? Why don't they ever make me feel "She really wants me"?

 

[Sci-Fi]

You shouldn't need to be "wanted" by someone to feel love, that's not a healthy thing. It can lead to behaviours that could turn people off. Sometimes we do things around certain people we don't even realize we do, and sometimes our brains make us think things that are just that, in our minds. Maybe you just think no one shows you interest because you are looking for something that you shouldn't be looking for, and maybe they don't show interest in you because they pick up on that.

 

[Pike Creek]

I'm 27 and I've never been in a relationship. I never really tried to have one, cos I never really found anyone who drives me crazy, and no girl ever made me feel special to her. Now, I'm wondering if I'm at fault myself. I want to see if a girl finds me likeable, reliable and romantic enough. I would also like to see why no girl has ever really approached me.

So, is there any lady members who can talk to me and help me identify the characteristics that I should improve to make myself approachable for girls?

Thank you.

All I can add is that if you are set on meeting a girl, you can't just wait for Ms. Perfect to show up at your door. That only happens in movies. You have to put yourself out there. Go on dating sites, talk to girls, say hi, smile, always dress well and be well-groomed. A girl can't find you romantic until she starts to talk with you, spends time with you and sees that you really have romance in mind.

I was in the same boat, alone for many years, no Prince Charming showed up at my door. When I made the committment to start dating, I lost weight, got my hair done, got some new clothes, got my teeth whitened...some people will scoff at all that, but reality is that appearance is very important, as it's the first thing people notice about you. So after getting my looks and self-esteem in order, I started to frequent dating sites online, chatted with lots of guys, went on dates...horrible ones and good ones...got my heart broken a good dozen times too...it's all part of the process.

 

[TheRealCallie]

What's wrong with preferring women approach, women prefer men to and are quite open about it - isn't that a double standard?

Not sure who this was aimed at, but I'll answer for myself.

There's nothing wrong with preferring women approaching you. HOWEVER, there is something wrong with expecting it to happen. This is true, regardless of what your gender is. If you like someone, ask them out...or at the very least, talk to them. If there is something in the world you want, whether it be a relationship with a specific person or a friendship or a pack of gum, work for it and go get it/him/her.
If you sit around waiting for something/someone to come to you, you'll likely be waiting a long time.


Disclaimer: Not objectifying anyone here, just can't form my sentences any better than that this morning with a headache.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I'm 27 and I've never been in a relationship. I never really tried to have one, cos I never really found anyone who drives me crazy, and no girl ever made me feel special to her. Now, I'm wondering if I'm at fault myself. I want to see if a girl finds me likeable, reliable and romantic enough. I would also like to see why no girl has ever really approached me.

So, is there any lady members who can talk to me and help me identify the characteristics that I should improve to make myself approachable for girls?

Thank you.

I personally don't see anything wrong with wanting to get others' opinion of how they see you, it can be quite an eye opener in some ways. You might learn things you never knew of yourself from other people's observations.

Although I do agree with what the others have mainly said. You shouldn't let what others think of you define who you are. You can use the observations made by them as learning points and see whether they are good or bad, to your own opinions and preferences of these qualities, you decide whether you want to improve on them or leave them be.

 

[ordinaryDude]

All I can add is that if you are set on meeting a girl, you can't just wait for Ms. Perfect to show up at your door. That only happens in movies. You have to put yourself out there. Go on dating sites, talk to girls, say hi, smile, always dress well and be well-groomed. A girl can't find you romantic until she starts to talk with you, spends time with you and sees that you really have romance in mind.

I was in the same boat, alone for many years, no Prince Charming showed up at my door. When I made the committment to start dating, I lost weight, got my hair done, got some new clothes, got my teeth whitened...some people will scoff at all that, but reality is that appearance is very important, as it's the first thing people notice about you. So after getting my looks and self-esteem in order, I started to frequent dating sites online, chatted with lots of guys, went on dates...horrible ones and good ones...got my heart broken a good dozen times too...it's all part of the process.

There's nothing wrong with preferring women approaching you. HOWEVER, there is something wrong with expecting it to happen. This is true, regardless of what your gender is. If you like someone, ask them out...or at the very least, talk to them. If there is something in the world you want, whether it be a relationship with a specific person or a friendship or a pack of gum, work for it and go get it/him/her.
If you sit around waiting for something/someone to come to you, you'll likely be waiting a long time.

I can see that you are suggesting me to seek out, work on the problem, but I can't seem to find the motivation. I don't know why, it's just in general in my life, I happen to spend most time alone, doing basically nothing, doing things like reading novels, watching football, checking the transfer news(I'm a Man Utd fan, and we need to buy players) ever minute like an addiction. I'm not as productive as I should be, I waste a lot of time, although I'm really on a track to achieve a lot, I'm doing M.Sc at a top university, but I'm not working hard enough even in that. But somehow the whole lack of motivation is affecting my relationship life with people, my career, everything. I don't really know what to do.

Every time I happen to meet a girl, for any reason, and happen to find her attractive, I don't take any action, I feel so lazy to do that. I don't know what's the problem really.

 

[Pike Creek]

I can see that you are suggesting me to seek out, work on the problem, but I can't seem to find the motivation. I don't know why, it's just in general in my life, I happen to spend most time alone, doing basically nothing, doing things like reading novels, watching football, checking the transfer news(I'm a Man Utd fan, and we need to buy players) ever minute like an addiction. I'm not as productive as I should be, I waste a lot of time, although I'm really on a track to achieve a lot, I'm doing M.Sc at a top university, but I'm not working hard enough even in that. But somehow the whole lack of motivation is affecting my relationship life with people, my career, everything. I don't really know what to do.

Every time I happen to meet a girl, for any reason, and happen to find her attractive, I don't take any action, I feel so lazy to do that. I don't know what's the problem really.

Lazy and dating don't mix, I think you agree with that! If you lack motivation, maybe you're not ready to date yet? If it's a comfortable rut, then you are the only one who can push yourself out of it. Getting out of our comfort zones usually means growth and improvement in our lives.

 

[hiki]

why would a woman spend time and exert effort if youre too lazy for it? at best they would stick a bit and see if you can recover but ...

you seem to have a general issue with motivation and its not just with women. why dont you instead, spend some time and reflect on what your actual problem is. you might be unhappy with something, do you feel like this is actually the direction that you wanna take? maybe you need a new inspiration in general, not necessarily a woman.

 

[VanillaCreme]

What's wrong with preferring women approach, women prefer men to and are quite open about it - isn't that a double standard?

There's nothing wrong with preferring women approaching you. HOWEVER, there is something wrong with expecting it to happen.

This, and not only expecting it, like it's owed to you, but expecting it and not putting yourself out there. Which was my original point. One should really learn to put themselves out there if they want to be looked at to be approached. It's like hiding in a cave and expecting someone to find you. Sure, it's possible if someone were looking that hard, but wouldn't it be easier to just step out of the cave?

Lazy and dating don't mix, I think you agree with that! If you lack motivation, maybe you're not ready to date yet? If it's a comfortable rut, then you are the only one who can push yourself out of it. Getting out of our comfort zones usually means growth and improvement in our lives.

I also agree with this. Perhaps this lack of motivation is laziness, but perhaps it's just you not being ready. ordinaryDude, don't push yourself out there until you're fully ready and prepared to take on advances from people. It's not a race.

 

[ordinaryDude]

I also agree with this. Perhaps this lack of motivation is laziness, but perhaps it's just you not being ready. ordinaryDude, don't push yourself out there until you're fully ready and prepared to take on advances from people. It's not a race.

Honestly I don't wanna race at all, but some how I feel this deep loneliness, it saddens me, I find it inexplicable. I don't know why it happens, some say I don't think I know myself enough, or understand myself. Can really a person not understand him/herself? Is there anything like "understanding one's own self"?

 

[Pike Creek]

I think another way of saying that is "finding one's self"...it's basically learning what's important to you, what you like, and how you want to live your life and spend your time. If you're kind of apathetic, lazy or blasé about your lifestyle, school, beliefs, desires etc...then I don't think you've found yourself or really understand what it is that makes you spark. In my case, I didn't find myself until a few years ago, but my problem was that depression was killing any desire I had for anything really. I've found some passions I really enjoy, cooking, wine collecting/tasting, doing outdoor stuff like hiking and fishing, writing poetry...and home stuff like sewing and knitting. When I felt happy with my lifestyle, then I thought about what I was looking for in a relationship, like not wanting kids, wanting someone who wants to live the same lifestyle, someone who likes pets etc....Once I was able to figure these things out, then I was able to motivate myself into trying to find a mate. I may have failed at that presently, but I'll keep trying because now I know I want to share my life with someone, so that's my motivation.

 

[Batman55]

Honestly I don't wanna race at all, but some how I feel this deep loneliness, it saddens me, I find it inexplicable. I don't know why it happens, some say I don't think I know myself enough, or understand myself. Can really a person not understand him/herself? Is there anything like "understanding one's own self"?

Obviously the problem is not laziness if you're enrolled in a top university, at least not till they send you a note that says you're on "academic hold" (That last bit is a joke, do not think otherwise please!)

I would guess that you're introverted and socializing drains all your energy. Putting yourself out there, socializing with women is probably a very daunting and overwhelming task for you.. if I'm reading this right. Obviously then you're naturally avoiding these things, because of the interference it would cause in the other parts of your life.

I could be far off with this. But if you can relate to it somehow--I know I do, at least--it's a heck of a dilemma. I have found that exposure helps in terms of sharpening social skills and increasing capacity, but it's not the whole cure. I wish I had better advice.