Can I not get out of bed (and keep dreaming)

[Broken heart]

What you've described here sounds like classic abuse. He's making things out to be your fault. Punishing you (and yes, the silent treatment is still punishment) and making you feel valueless without him. I'm not an expert on this, by any matter of means, but I believe the most effective way to deal with that kind of situation is to leave it. If you can.

If you can't. Have you considered giving HIM the silent treatment. Or finding a way to show him that it doesn't matter if he doesn't talk to you. Make HIM irrelevant to your life. Have you considered telling him how he's making you feel? Suggesting counselling?

More than anything you need to look after yourself and believe in yourself. You are NOT alone.

Oh it is classic abuse.
U know, I tried the silent treatment but because this is not my character, I cant do it. And if I do go ahead with it, the house is on fire. He will be mad and just go crazy.

If I had enough money for sure my threat to leave would be believable even if I never intend to do it.
But leaving him is not possibly primarily because of financial reasons. And also because our church doesnt allow it.

Well anyway..I just vent you know.
Who can fix your mebtall illness or physical one? No one really. So you carry it along.
Same here.
So thank you for reaching out and trying to help.
It just gets crazy sometimes.

---

I can relate to most of your post (OP's post).  Though, I'm not with him anymore and he rarely sees his kids.  It's hard, but you have to take care of you.  A very hard lesson for me was that love is definitely not enough.  And the kids are no reason to stay together because depending on the situation, it could be worse on them than splitting up.  
I am not saying to leave him, just that you shouldn't rule it out completely.  You need to find a way to get through to him how you feel and find a solution so you can get back to living a happy life.

How can you get through to someone who thinks he is a god?
You cant because he is never wrong.
Honestly I wish to go inside his brain and search inside and see if he really really feels that way inside? Or he, like us mere mortals, feels he can be wrong too.

Thank you for your honest reply. No, love alone is never enough. I think sometimes that respect is more important you know?

 

[I'm Fine]

What you've described here sounds like classic abuse. He's making things out to be your fault. Punishing you (and yes, the silent treatment is still punishment) and making you feel valueless without him. I'm not an expert on this, by any matter of means, but I believe the most effective way to deal with that kind of situation is to leave it. If you can.

If you can't. Have you considered giving HIM the silent treatment. Or finding a way to show him that it doesn't matter if he doesn't talk to you. Make HIM irrelevant to your life. Have you considered telling him how he's making you feel? Suggesting counselling?

More than anything you need to look after yourself and believe in yourself. You are NOT alone.

Oh it is classic abuse.
U know, I tried the silent treatment but because this is not my character, I cant do it. And if I do go ahead with it, the house is on fire. He will be mad and just go crazy.

If I had enough money for sure my threat to leave would be believable even if I never intend to do it.
But leaving him is not possibly primarily because of financial reasons. And also because our church doesnt allow it.

Well anyway..I just vent you know.
Who can fix your mebtall illness or physical one? No one really. So you carry it along.
Same here.
So thank you for reaching out and trying to help.
It just gets crazy sometimes.

---

I can relate to most of your post (OP's post).  Though, I'm not with him anymore and he rarely sees his kids.  It's hard, but you have to take care of you.  A very hard lesson for me was that love is definitely not enough.  And the kids are no reason to stay together because depending on the situation, it could be worse on them than splitting up.  
I am not saying to leave him, just that you shouldn't rule it out completely.  You need to find a way to get through to him how you feel and find a solution so you can get back to living a happy life.

How can you get through to someone who thinks he is a god?
You cant because he is never wrong.
Honestly I wish to go inside his brain and search inside and see if he really really feels that way inside? Or he, like us mere mortals, feels he can be wrong too.

Thank you for your honest reply. No, love alone is never enough. I think sometimes that respect is more important you know?

---

You say in the one breath that, if you had the money, the threat of you leaving would be believable but then you say that you'd never intend to do it. I suspect he knows that and that's why he knows he can get away with how he treats you. You say the church wouldn't allow it - do they allow how he treats you? Do you have any recourse to them, maybe, for help?

And feel free to vent here - that's what this place is for. A place to talk - to try and connect - to be.

 

[Broken heart]

Ok let me make it more clear.
I wont leave. But when he feels he is the one controlling all the money in the house, then it goes without saying that I will always be dependant. So any threat I ever make will be unreal!
So I dont make any.
But in the depth of my heart I wish I was financially independant so that he would know in the back of his mind that there is no financial dependence. And that is not a point of attachment or dependency.
You know what I mean?
It is just a wish.
As for the church, this is my faith. But I wont go to the church and complain to them, you know? 
Of course if they know, they wont allow it. But then again..what? Will they punish him? It is not a class room.
And no..he wont go to counselling..ever..
Also my community is not forgiving for separation
Besides..where would I go?
It is difficult to explain when I need to keep my anonimity, here get me??

 

[I'm Fine]

Ok let me make it more clear.
I wont leave. But when he feels he is the one controlling all the money in the house, then it goes without saying that I will always be dependant. So any threat I ever make will be unreal!
So I dont make any.
But in the depth of my heart I wish I was financially independant so that he would know in the back of his mind that there is no financial dependence. And that is not a point of attachment or dependency.
You know what I mean?
It is just a wish.
As for the church, this is my faith. But I wont go to the church and complain to them, you know? 
Of course if they know, they wont allow it. But then again..what? Will they punish him? It is not a class room.
And no..he wont go to counselling..ever..
Also my community is not forgiving for separation
Besides..where would I go?
It is difficult to explain when I need to keep my anonimity, here get me??

I'm sorry. I never meant to make you feel under pressure to reveal anything about yourself or your situation that you weren't happy revealing. I understand not wanting to reveal too much about yourself.

I was trying to understand how serious you were about changing the situation. I get it now. Sorry for any upset and thanks for explaining it to me.

Best wishes.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I can relate to most of your post (OP's post).  Though, I'm not with him anymore and he rarely sees his kids.  It's hard, but you have to take care of you.  A very hard lesson for me was that love is definitely not enough.  And the kids are no reason to stay together because depending on the situation, it could be worse on them than splitting up.  
I am not saying to leave him, just that you shouldn't rule it out completely.  You need to find a way to get through to him how you feel and find a solution so you can get back to living a happy life.

How can you get through to someone who thinks he is a god?
You cant because he is never wrong.
Honestly I wish to go inside his brain and search inside and see if he really really feels that way inside? Or he, like us mere mortals, feels he can be wrong too.

Thank you for your honest reply. No, love alone is never enough. I think sometimes that respect is more important you know?

Yeah, that is difficult.  My ex was an alcoholic.  Blamed me for his drinking.  Blamed me for his cheating.  Blamed me for him not coming home.  He stills has a drinking problem and we've been split for 10 years, so clearly it wasn't me. Lol
He stills tries to twist things and blame me.  He still tries to control things. He wanted to come back twice, I told him no both times, but if it was in the three years right after he left, I would have taken him back.  
It's a lot to deal with.  I know our situations aren't exactly the same, but I get it.  Mine thinks he did no wrong either. 

Sorry if I missed this, but do you work?  If not, would it be possible to get a job and your own bank account? Or even to hide money away so you don't feel so dependant on him?  
Is there any way you can get out on your own to try to get an escape.  A life that is yours, not his? Go out with friends, join a club or take up a hobby.  Anything to get you out and distract you from what's going on at home.  
I found that one of my biggest issues was that all I had was him and the kids.  I had nothing outside.  He worked hard to chase most of my friends away.  I was able to convince a few that what he told them wasn't true, but they still didn't come around much after that.  After all the years of verbal abuse, I was a shell of a person.  I lost who I was.  All that remained was "his wife". 
I hope you can find some way to find some type of happiness or even contentment in life.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. Or check out the chat room, I'm usually in there.

 

[Broken heart]

Ok let me make it more clear.
I wont leave. But when he feels he is the one controlling all the money in the house, then it goes without saying that I will always be dependant. So any threat I ever make will be unreal!
So I dont make any.
But in the depth of my heart I wish I was financially independant so that he would know in the back of his mind that there is no financial dependence. And that is not a point of attachment or dependency.
You know what I mean?
It is just a wish.
As for the church, this is my faith. But I wont go to the church and complain to them, you know? 
Of course if they know, they wont allow it. But then again..what? Will they punish him? It is not a class room.
And no..he wont go to counselling..ever..
Also my community is not forgiving for separation
Besides..where would I go?
It is difficult to explain when I need to keep my anonimity, here get me??

I'm sorry. I never meant to make you feel under pressure to reveal anything about yourself or your situation that you weren't happy revealing. I understand not wanting to reveal too much about yourself.

I was trying to understand how serious you were about changing the situation. I get it now. Sorry for any upset and thanks for explaining it to me.

Best wishes.ه

Of course I am not upset. On the contrary, I am thankful for you taking the time to answer. And be creative about it too. ❤❤
I am just saying that it"s not easy trying to explain all details about any given situation on a public board,

I am just saying that..for eg. I have a v v v rich friend. While I may feel for her poor husband that she may be hinting she is the man of the house offering the financial stability; I just think he can never imagine he can leave her.

It is that money gives men power over you.

But you know what is so sad and pathetic?? Is that it should NEVER be like that.
Couple are together because they lovevand respect each other. But once one of them feels he (or she) is the centre and the most important part of that relationship then it gets distorted.
Many people cant leave the relationship. For any reason..social..financial..religeous even. But they remain sad at least.

So..sigh. i am stuck with all of you nice people here..still daydreaming about a man who respects me..
Thank you for your message @i'm fine

 

[Broken heart]

I can relate to most of your post (OP's post).  Though, I'm not with him anymore and he rarely sees his kids.  It's hard, but you have to take care of you.  A very hard lesson for me was that love is definitely not enough.  And the kids are no reason to stay together because depending on the situation, it could be worse on them than splitting up.  
I am not saying to leave him, just that you shouldn't rule it out completely.  You need to find a way to get through to him how you feel and find a solution so you can get back to living a happy life.

How can you get through to someone who thinks he is a god?
You cant because he is never wrong.
Honestly I wish to go inside his brain and search inside and see if he really really feels that way inside? Or he, like us mere mortals, feels he can be wrong too.

Thank you for your honest reply. No, love alone is never enough. I think sometimes that respect is more important you know?

Yeah, that is difficult.  My ex was an alcoholic.  Blamed me for his drinking.  Blamed me for his cheating.  Blamed me for him not coming home.  He stills has a drinking problem and we've been split for 10 years, so clearly it wasn't me. Lol
He stills tries to twist things and blame me.  He still tries to control things. He wanted to come back twice, I told him no both times, but if it was in the three years right after he left, I would have taken him back.  
It's a lot to deal with.  I know our situations aren't exactly the same, but I get it.  Mine thinks he did no wrong either. 

Sorry if I missed this, but do you work?  If not, would it be possible to get a job and your own bank account? Or even to hide money away so you don't feel so dependant on him?  
Is there any way you can get out on your own to try to get an escape.  A life that is yours, not his? Go out with friends, join a club or take up a hobby.  Anything to get you out and distract you from what's going on at home.  
I found that one of my biggest issues was that all I had was him and the kids.  I had nothing outside.  He worked hard to chase most of my friends away.  I was able to convince a few that what he told them wasn't true, but they still didn't come around much after that.  After all the years of verbal abuse, I was a shell of a person.  I lost who I was.  All that remained was "his wife". 
I hope you can find some way to find some type of happiness or even contentment in life.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.  Or check out the chat room, I'm usually 

Wow. Good for you. 
This is a person with a dependant personality. Of course he will blame you for everything.
Addiction is very bad. 
In my culture we say that you cant marry 3 kinds of men. The miser, the alcoholic and the one who has a gambling addiction. So yeah. I also understand that your first few years were difficult enough for you to have agreed to take him back. But bravo that you held your own

I work..part time but it doesnt make that much money. I also have a small online business that also makes little money. I have some friends from ages ago but I can never ever talk to them about whats going on. Ever. I do go out at least for work. I love to read. I speak 2 languages fluently and 2 more basic knowledge as I learner them when I was old.
I already haveva masters degree and am trying to get MBA studies on line..for free so I am always trying to improve myself in any way I can.
But in the end..abuse can still make you feel inadequte in many ways.

Thank you for replying

 

[Sir Joseph]

Broken heart, I've just now found and read this thread, probably long after it's been left behind.  But, I was in fact looking for something from you so I could check in and see how you're doing.  The details here are deep and discouraging, and it appears that life remains a struggle for you.

I have no suggestion this time for changing a spouse that's not receptive to caring about a relational problem, or for pursuing a path towards your own potential financial independence.  All I can offer now is another reminder of how we cope with an imperfect life.

As a life long single with no caring family and a heart craving for love, I've definitely had to cope with severe loneliness.  And losing my career 5 years ago to retirement has left another big hole in my life to fill.  But, I've done so - by focusing more on knowing and loving the Lord, and caring about others as a Christian should.  Spending time and effort each day towards this end doesn't take away the deficiencies and disappointments in my life, but it gives me strength and purpose now, and optimism for the future.  You know this, but I only remind you because we need constant reinforcement and encouragement.

I encourage you to pray and work towards improving your marriage in any way you can conceive.  I also encourage you to better yourself and seek satisfaction from life, even without the support of your mate as it should be.  In the process though, keep the big picture in mind.  The Lord's shaping and molding you for the better, real life ahead.  You may or may not ever realize a healthy, happy homelife of relationships, but that needn't prevent you from being the person God wants you to grow into.  So stay strong, and independent if necessary, and try to focus outward, rather than inward, on what you can do to love the Lord more and care about others.  If you become physically, emotionally, and spiritually stronger, more independent in your daily purpose and actions, and content with yourself as a loving person, who knows what significant influence you'll have on others, be it your kids or spouse.  With or without others' support though, you can enjoy this life and make it worthwhile.

I am so dad burn picky, it's no wonder I'm single.  There's few girls I'm attracted to, and few songs, movies, or foods I like.  So, when I find one, it's a rare treat.  Here's a new Christian song I just found last week.  If you haven't heard it yet, I'd like to share it with you.

[size=small]

 

[Broken heart]

Broken heart, I've just now found and read this thread, probably long after it's been left behind.  But, I was in fact looking for something from you so I could check in and see how you're doing.  The details here are deep and discouraging, and it appears that life remains a struggle for you.

I have no suggestion this time for changing a spouse that's not receptive to caring about a relational problem, or for pursuing a path towards your own potential financial independence.  All I can offer now is another reminder of how we cope with an imperfect life.

As a life long single with no caring family and a heart craving for love, I've definitely had to cope with severe loneliness.  And losing my career 5 years ago to retirement has left another big hole in my life to fill.  But, I've done so - by focusing more on knowing and loving the Lord, and caring about others as a Christian should.  Spending time and effort each day towards this end doesn't take away the deficiencies and disappointments in my life, but it gives me strength and purpose now, and optimism for the future.  You know this, but I only remind you because we need constant reinforcement and encouragement.

I encourage you to pray and work towards improving your marriage in any way you can conceive.  I also encourage you to better yourself and seek satisfaction from life, even without the support of your mate as it should be.  In the process though, keep the big picture in mind.  The Lord's shaping and molding you for the better, real life ahead.  You may or may not ever realize a healthy, happy homelife of relationships, but that needn't prevent you from being the person God wants you to grow into.  So stay strong, and independent if necessary, and try to focus outward, rather than inward, on what you can do to love the Lord more and care about others.  If you become physically, emotionally, and spiritually stronger, more independent in your daily purpose and actions, and content with yourself as a loving person, who knows what significant influence you'll have on others, be it your kids or spouse.  With or without others' support though, you can enjoy this life and make it worthwhile.

I am so dad burn picky, it's no wonder I'm single.  There's few girls I'm attracted to, and few songs, movies, or foods I like.  So, when I find one, it's a rare treat.  Here's a new Christian song I just found last week.  If you haven't heard it yet, I'd like to share it with you.

[size=small]

Wow. Thank you so much.
Country music is far from my culture but I love country music. And the song is AMAZING.
Thank you so much for remembering me.
Like COVID-19 life here has curves of ups and downs..and it is just the lack of motivation that makes me unable to improve myself. But I am trying.
I hope you can fix the direct message issue so we text sometime. But in the mean time, your words mean a lot to me.
In fact the people who answered me all have genuine interest in those they answer. And I feel better because of it. Love you all

And I disvovered doing small chores (that had been indefinitely delayed..eg..cleaning the closets or the book shelves-the latter is still indefinitely delayed) all these help a lot.
When we tell people here or people tell us to actually "do things" it REALLY helps too. Along with all you mentioned as you already know I am a believer so your words are valuable to me.

Thank you so much for checking and stay safe. You and all if you guys reading this.

 

[Sir Joseph]

Broken heart, glad you appreciated the new song and that you're enduring the times.  The last music video was in fact a Christian artist song, but since you say you like country, let me try again to add some joy to your day.  If you haven't already heard and watched Tim McGraw's (2015) music video for Humble and Kind, then you're in for treat. It's a wonderful song with phenomenal visuals.  If you agree, see if you can share it with your hubby.  Maybe it'll stir a good feeling inside.

 

[Broken heart]

• Sir Joseph has private messaging disabled. You cannot send private messages to this user.

Sniff sniff

Thank you for your reply to me and I have very low internet now. Cant listen to the song. But will listen shortly.
Above is the reply I got when i tried to send you a message

I think you need to fix your settings.
Try this:
User cp top left
Edit options

Then your profile

And under it 
Messaging and Notification


[size=small]Receive emails from the Administrators.

Hide your email from other members.

Receive private messages from other users.

Alert me with a notice when I receive a Private Message.

Notify me by email when I receive a new Private Message.

Receive PM notifications for new buddy requests.

Automatically accept buddy requests (if the above checkbox is ticked, a PM is sent informing of the new buddy connection)


[/size]Tick what u need but at least make sure to tick "receive PM from other users"

Try that

 

[Sir Joseph]

Broken heart, yes, I think you'll want to catch that song when you get wifi access.  It won't fix your life but it should help your day a bit.  I've got about a dozen favorite music videos now that I rewatch at various times when I can't sleep at night or feel troubled.  It's nice having a personal collection on hand for that - and nice to be able to share them with others when opportunity arises.

Thanks for taking the time to prompt me through the profile menu.  I had looked before but not close enough.  I found the path you referenced and made the change, so I should be good to go now for receiving any PM.

 

[nebraskagirl60]

So, can I?

In my day dream my partner respects me. 
He is not an alpha male but more of man who's been through pain. 
He doesn't give me disgusted looks. And in fact talks to me.
In my dreams he is gentle.
In my dreams he believes me, in me too,  and is proud of me.

In my dreams he is a wounded hero who struggled and came out victorious. Doesn't matter what the victory was..maybe even just coming out standing is a victory on its own. 
In my dreams he is lonely..too.

In my dreams..he loves me.

So can I just stay in bed today? And maybe the whole week?
Or should I just get up and face another day with my real life. 


Loneliness in marriage is dreadful. 
Loneliness with a husband, kids and friends is indescribable. Because when you dont have these, you dream of having them. But when you have them, what can you do more?

Friends who are around but don't understand.

Every day with a partner who shows you disgust cuts a piece of your self respect and self worth.
And no amout of good moments can make you whole.
You are patched up. Waiting to fall apart at any moment only wondering when will this moment be. 
And when we have low self esteem, nothing can make us feel worthy of love. Or good. Or even adequate? Let alone "enough".
I think I wouldn"t still be sane except by the grace of God (sorry if you not a believer).

I think another hour in bed will have to do.

I know how you feel. I could stay in bed for days. I am to the point that if I sleep I don't think. No family, no friends.

 

[Broken heart]

I know how you feel. I could stay in bed for days. I am to the point that if I sleep I don't think. No family, no friends.

Kisses