Can't figure out what is the problem

[Muffin]

I honestly don't know if I am the problem, or the problem is I ended up with shitty friends. My husband and I hung around with a neighbour couple who seemed fine, he was a bit of a bullshitter but other than that they seemed fine. Through a Moms Group she was involved with, I met some great people to hang out with.

However, after a couple of years I slowly realized many of these friends were really weird, some were committing adultery, some were on antidepressants (not that this is weird, but I mention it because it could explain some of their other actions), some were violent towards their family, some did drugs, some were with husbands who were abusive or did drugs, some slept with any guy who batted an eyelash at them, some did a combination of the above and more.

The husband of the couple we hung out with left for another woman who he got pregnant.

Shortly after this, one of the women in the moms group I hung out with did something a bit shitty to me, it wasn't major but it did upset me enough to tell her it wasn't very nice. She acted like it was nothing and that upset me. If she had owned up to it or apologized we could have moved on. Since she was committing adultery I decided the two things together made me realize she wasn't someone I wanted as a friend, so we went our separate ways, with her being upset that I told her adultery was wrong.

In the end, the more popular girls in the group don't want to hang out with me, so no one will. Which sucks because they were my only friends.

So now I'm stuck with no friends. I'm not sure if it was because of this particular group I was hanging out with, or if it is me (I'm 40, don't wear make up, am overweight, not very attractive and a bit shy) or what.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation, trying to figure out why it's not easy to "click" with people?

 

[Badjedidude]

I'm 40, don't wear make up, am overweight, not very attractive and a bit shy

What the hell kind of way is that to describe yourself? Don't be so down on yourself! The simple fact that you don't really want to hang out with those degenerates shows that you're ahead of the game. Besides, I think that women who don't wear makeup are prettier than those who do. Be proud of who you are!

It's not you. Those people have some serious problems...they were probably not parented correctly and are acting out their insecurities and personal problems, unable to correctly deal with themselves. Everyone has problems, but if you find that all of your friends are doing the same, degenerate, awful things over and over...move on! I think you're totally right in dropping them.

New friends will come along! It may feel lonely right now but I think that overall you've made the right decision...and with your obvious ability to discern character and judge people correctly...it'll be no time before you find a new group of friends that aren't so troubled.

----Steve

 

[roundasapenguin]

Dear dear Muffin, if I had people around me who act that badly, I wouldn't wanna be hanging around them either lest their evil deeds rub off on me.

I think friends, as in true friends, are gems.

But gems, as you know, are rare and precious and don't show up that often in life. I know the feeling of wanting to belong and there was a point when I forced myself to do stuff I'm not really into, simply because I wanted to belong to that crowd.

Badjedidude is right. You made the right decision by not sticking around that crowd. Just be yourself, be proud of who you are, and hang on. Who knows, you might meet a new bunch of people this New Year *hug hug*

 

[Muffin]

Thanks. It's been almost a year since I've had any friends, so I'm honestly trying to figure out how to make new friends or what the issues are. When I describe myself I'm being honest, I'm not trying to knock myself even though it must sound like that. I guess I could have worded it better, say that I'm a bit plain looking. My self confidence isn't low, it's not high by any means, but I'm not down and out about myself, just lonely and trying to figure out how to meet good friends.

It's nice to get some reassurance that I made the right choice about not having people who screw around, lie and stuff like that as friends. I was beginning to wonder if one had to put up with crap like that in order to have friends... and maybe thats true, in which case leaves me wondering if it's better than being lonely.

 

[Badjedidude]

Muffin: No, you never have to put up with crap from so-called "friends." I've faced a similar situation with some friends of mine. I actually had a guy friend that I hung with quite a bit, and he seemed like a nice dude...but over time I began to realize what a ****** he was (cheating on every gf he had, getting a girl pregnant and then marrying her...and divorcing her after 3 months...talking about women like they were objects...etc etc)...I just had to drop contact with him, and I haven't seen him in at least a year. Good riddance to him!

About your looks: I think everyone thinks of themselves as plain-looking in some way or another...or finds personal fault with their physical appearance. My point was just that I don't think you should even factor in your looks when meeting friends. Some of the nicest friends I've ever had have been downright ugly according to society's standards!...but I stuck with them (until they moved ) because of their character and attitude. I just don't think that you should even worry about your appearance when looking for friends, that's all.

----Steve