can't sleep...

[snow]

Hey, I've been on this forum for a while and don't post very much so I realize that eventually I'd have to write more than a few cryptic sentences and properly introduce myself (and my story).

I don't have a really hard time with friends, I have a couple of friends that I talk to all the time and drink with. I'm not too great at making new friends however. High school was very depressing for me until senior year. Though not nearly as bad as it is now. After graduation I took a two years off school and I will never be as happy as then. My life was absolutely great until 2006, when my girlfriend of two and half years and I broke up. I agreed with her that it was time to move on. However I didn't realize that it would be easier for me to climb Mt. Everest than to meet someone new. It didn't even bother me for a good six months after and a few flings. Since then I've had one relationship that lasted not two months and the last year has been a downward spiral into lonely agony. I drink a lot more, partly because of depression, and partly because my roommate and my best friend have turned into alcoholics. I try a new drug recreationally probably every month or so. I have a tremendous fear of doctors (not to mention no health insurance) so a shrink is out of the question. If I get really sick I would rather treat myself and risk death than visit a doctor. I work 40 hours a week for a shitty local cable provider and get treated like I'm not a human being half the time answering the phone. After work it's like getting out of prison. I have to keep this job because its the only job that will work with my school hours. Somehow I blow all of my money every paycheck and never get ahead. If you listen to the Sick Puppies album you'll get an idea. I hate my life right now.

Recurrent negative thoughts, suicidal thoughts, insomnia...the list goes on. I want to start smoking weed again to level out (been off it for a year since my last ex-gf) but my close friends took my lead and quit, and my former smoking friends have distanced themselves. I'm also too afraid it will damage my ambitions.

I want to learn how to rave. I want to get a motorcycle. I want to move to a foreign country. I want to be a stand up comedian. Everything gets in the way, partly alcohol, mostly my own mental crap, and partly my job washing my brain dry almost every day...

 

[Darkest Seraphim]

I dont like it when noone reponds so before this goes off page 1. uhm.... welll. Im sorry its really hard to relate to you for me anyways. Not that theres anything wrong with that but youve had a gf so in my eyes I enby you tons. I can relate to a dead end cable job tho. Yeah, a lonely person doesnt need a demoralizing job like that. Its dead end in a lot of ways. you gottta see it like climbing up a ladder. This is a step in the direction you wanna go. It, may suck now but its laying a foundation for you to be successful later. One hand washes the other and such. Im bad at giving advice sorry.

 

[jlonely]

Hey snow,
Your not alone dude. Negative and sometimes suicidal thoughts race through my mind day in and day out. I broke up with my girlfriend about a year and a half ago and its still affecting me now. Ive had about 10 different jobs in the course of 3 years or so. I dont like being talked down to, so minimum wage jobs usually dont work out for me. I can relate to not being treated like a human being. I havent figured it out, but something about me is repulsive to the opposite sex, so I havent even had a relationship since my last girlfriend. I guess Im trying to say that you arent alone, and if you need someone to talk to let me know.

 

[bookbinder]

Recurrent negative thoughts, suicidal thoughts, insomnia...the list goes on. I want to start smoking weed again to level out (been off it for a year since my last ex-gf) but my close friends took my lead and quit, and my former smoking friends have distanced themselves. I'm also too afraid it will damage my ambitions.

I want to learn how to rave. I want to get a motorcycle. I want to move to a foreign country. I want to be a stand up comedian. Everything gets in the way, partly alcohol, mostly my own mental crap, and partly my job washing my brain dry almost every day...

I don't think smoking weed will hurt any. You clearly know what you want to do; weed might dull all the honeysuckle that's in the way (or at least make it less painful).

I once studied for a geology test while high. It was a lot less agonizing and I got a B. I mean, I'm not advocating weed for tackling everything in your life, just as a spring-board so that life doesn't seem so painful. Get high, feel good, have a good nap, and then get 'er done.

 

[Porman]

^^ weed can be all fun and games, tho it CAN destroy lives. its not worth it, you will become dependant on it, you will need to smoke more and more just to feel normal.

 

[snow]

Thanks Darkest for the advice about quitting my job...I took the advice and feel 100% better than I did then. I haven't been depressed in about two months (since I decided to quit). I'm going to college full time and while money is hard I work freelance using my various skills. It's much easier for me to meet people now as well without working the afternoon/night shift.

I have to mention Lucinda Bassett because I did her course when she still offered it for free. I'm much better at handling my depression now. Google her and she offers a free trial.

Not to say I'm completely cured of depression but I can recognize when the thoughts come and am more able to switch my thinking. I'm even drinking less even though I get invited to drink all of the time, I can control that better too and I have less nights of turning into a wild monster lol. Of course there's still those times I have to cut loose.

About the weed smoking I broke my streak of not doing it but still haven't really found what I wanted in it...so now it's just a very occasional thing.

I've had another pseudo-relationship with a ex-coworker from the cable place but it's not really working out too well as she works my old shift a lot. Go figure.

All in all I am much better that I was and appreciate all of the help.

-jlonely
The 'something about me is repulsive' is very destructive thinking. You are pitting yourself too low to date people. Unless your hygiene or clothing is repulsive, you are not repulsive. If you can't change it, assume it is not repulsive. Dating is like a video game, watch other people to learn, as well as get rejected.

 

[Naleena]

Hello, Snow.
I am glad your doing much better. Sometimes when we learn new skills about life, it makes a big difference. I think every high school should have classes on relationships, how to meet people and self acceptance.
To me that would be as important as algebra.

You have provided a great example of following your heart (quitting the job) and working towards what you wanted. I'm sure it wasn't easy but, it looks like it's paid off. : )

Good luck in school!