Yes.
I fell super-hard for an incredibly beautiful, charming girl who had all the qualities one would seek in a soulmate. Her smile makes my heart melt. She even told her parents that I was the one best suited to be with her (her parents have their own issues, but both were very nice to me and fun to hang around with when we would visit them). Sorry this is kinda lengthy, but it is therapeutic for me to vent my feelings. I'm having a very rough go lately. Depression is so stifling. Loneliness is so haunting, showing a non-stop movie of everything that transpired, 24/7. Relentless.
I really, really tried to be THE guy for my GF, and when things collapsed because of her actions, I still wanted to be her good friend. That decision even caused me to plummet further into depression. And I've yet to even start to rebound.
My ex suffers borderline personality disorder. Possibly some bipolar mixed in, but the actions she engages in mirror the former. She also had at least six different male partners in her rotation while she proclaimed that I was the only one she truly cared for and wanted to plan a future together. Problem was, I did not know she was hypersexual with BPO as she never told me the full extent of what was going on. Folks with BPO are experts in deception, pathelogical liars, yet unable to show or feel empathy. BPO cannot be treated with medication, it must be dealt with in therapy where core trauma from childhood must be worked on. I didn't find out about the perils of a partner with BPO until it was much too late. i had to see it for myself.
At first, she claimed it was just meaningless sex only with her ex BF. He kept trying to win her back, she said no.They were on again / off again, and when we met, she told me she had moved on. She told me about the "relations" as she called them in an ambiguous fashion - after drinking four glasses of wine before calling me on the phone (we live 2.5 hours apart). She was very apologetic and scared that I would not understand. I forgave her, as she made it seem that it was only a couple of times.
We had been getting to know each other via on-line and phone calls that occurred on a daily basis over the course of four months. We met for the first time when I was in her area for an event, in a casual meeting. We then had an overnight date to see a show. I have to admit it was the best time / date I've ever had, by far/ Promises of a rosy future were woven in between smiles, kisses and intimacies. How could i not resist? After a long, long, LONG time of being alone (over a decade), wondering if I'd ever find the one, here she was!! And I was not looking for someone then, either. It was just like divine intervention. The general public often utters a commandment of life: Love finds you - you do not find it.
And so, I believed her words. We spent four-five days together after Thanksgiving. Absolute bliss! I stayed with her at her home. I fell totally head over heels by then. By the middle of December, that phone call came. My heart sank, but she had a way of coming across as sorry and building me back up. She started to tell me about some of her troubles as well. "Honesty is the best policy", she stated. The fact that she was a high functioning alcoholic wasn't lost on me either. But then again, I have my own demons and issues. I was in love and wanted to make this work. She agreed. However, on Xmas day, she hooked up with her ex, which I was made aware of via a nasty, unsolicited e-mail from him telling me what they had done. Merry f***ing Xmas, he wished me in smarmy fashion. i was crushed. I could not talk to her or look at her Facebook page. I went into shutdown mode. She figured out that I knew what happened, and she wrote me a letter which I read a day after New Years. She recounted a very bad aftermath with her ex, as he beat her, smashed his foot thru two of her glass tables, and threatened to kill her before storming out of her house. I read the four pages she mailed to me WTF? She apologized profusely. It seemed like her ex BF was a controlling, possessive stalker who would not let her go. He wanted to marry her - "own me" is what she would say. She still wanted to be with me. She loved me so much. She ensured that she would go for therapy (and, to her credit, she did the next week). I was torn, but I did love her. You stand by someone you care for, good times or bad.
We had great times together for several months after that revelation. Until just before my birthday. I spent another week with her again at her home, and she seemed to be super happy, more so that usual. I never saw her unhappy, or down, citing that due to our relationship. Hell, I was happy all the time myself! I hit the jackpot in love!!! I had planned to move in with her, and started looking for a job. i did have one where I could get hired sometime in the summer. We now had a working plan for a future together. She was getting therapy once a week too. I went back to see her again two weeks later, for a pre-birthday present as she took me to an event. However, she seemed a little more reserved than usual. Plus she had cut way back on drinking! Great, right? I asked her how therapy was going, and if the cutback on booze was working. She replied that it was VERY hard, but her co-workers (ladies) decided to run a contest to see who could lose the most weight in 6 months, the prize would be a vacation trip coughed up by the losers. "It's a great incentive", she said. I never thought she was overweight - she had a pin-up curvy figure in my eyes. Problem was, her withdrawal from alcohol caused her to be moody and distant. And most telling, her sexual drive went to zilch. I'd try to be romantic. She wouldn't refuse, but she wouldn't reciprocate. But, that was OK, I told her I understood. I was so proud of her. She was trying to get better....
As I was leaving she told me to ignore an e-mail from one of her old ex BFs. He had started to stalk her recently, and she wanted me to delete his e-mail without reading it as the content did not concern me. Based on what i knew about him, from her side, this guy was an emotional baby, and a liar. I didn;'t see an e-mail from him. No harm done. I didn't find the e-mail until after I became shell-shocked again, via another revealing phone call. Three days after I returned home she called me one night, as per our routine of nightly calls. After a few words and stuff, there was a silence that seemed foreboding to me. I sensed something was very wrong, perhaps another disasterous encounter with her crazy ex BF again? In hindsight, tat would have been easier for me to deal with.
She finally blurted out, in a nervous tone, "I'm pregnant". Another WTF moment for me. I would hve loved to be the father (we talked about having child together), but duew to timing, I knew I was not the father. I asked if it was her ex, and she said it was not. She fihgured at her age she was never going to get pregnant. But a male co=worker, someone she spent a drunken evening with, won the jackpot. I still can't fathom the feelings that came over me upon hearing this news. "What about us? you and me?" I kn ew having baby would completely alter our plans. "it doesn't have to" she nervously answered. She had zero feeling for her co-worker and she was ashamed. i never pressed her for details as I could piece together how it happened, as the puzzle of my ex started to get closer to completion. I did not know what to say. She started to almost cry and said she'd understand if I was done with her. I should have been done.
Well I naturally self medicated after that news. and one night I found a stray e-mail which had gone into my non Facebook friends mailbox. It was the e-mail from a guy I only knew of via a warning to delete the e-mail from my GF. Well, I had to read his e-mail now. It was a bombshell and blew so many holes in my already fragile psyche. He explained that my GF had been sleeping with him, in a FWB type deal for many months. They'd get together at least twice a month. And the dates he listed put him in the father sweepstakes. He also said there were other guys besides her crazy ex BF. It read like a laundry list. He also relayed that she had been in counseling / therapy while they had been dating ( long before I met her). Seems she had problem being faithful, and would drop a guy for another one like a hot potato. She craved attention from guys (i noticed this myself, as she is addicted to social networking. He had recently been hurt again by her because she was cutting out all of the other guys. i was the guy she wanted. He wished us luck, but told me the ride to a future with her would be harrowing.
I was just crushed, reading that note. Was everything she and I shared a lie? How could I tell what was true and what wasn't? Feeling quite drunk late that night I contacted the letter-writer guy and told him everything that happened between her and I. He was not surprised and really felt bad for me as i was a victim. He felt so guilty about sleeping with her on nights she would call me to say goodnight. i had no idea. Ouch. I told him I had just wrote a goodbye e-mail to her. He told me she was a siren. Her condition wanted her to control men at her will and she was very skilled at doing this, while weaving a web of lies to keep them coming back. But she him that she really needed to change because she was in love with me. He and the other guys got the distance ax, and they were not happy.
After getting my e-mail she tried to make it seem that she was not at fault (when BPO folks are exposed, their demeanor changes 180 degrees). She denied sleeping with that other guy and the rest. She only admitted to sleeping with her ex last X-mas and that there was no one but me. However, she forgot about her co-worker. I didn't answer. i was still in complete shock. I left my house to get away that day. When I got back, she had written three e-mails, each one more forgiving than the one before. She had a way of making things seem like it could be worked out and she loved me. i was her stronghold and she did not want to lose me.
You can probably figure out what I did next. Days later, I forgave her. Again. Such is the way when you fall for someone with BPO....
Things did not get better. She finally came clean and decided she could not be with me anymore, other than as a friend. A complete about face retraction to her feelings of wanting us to be together, pleaded only two days earlier. Having a child caused her to see a different path, she stated. She could not handle the responsibility. She also explained her inability with matters of the heart. She had stopped contacting me.
It hurt, bad Then she recontacted me about 4 months later, chatting as if we had not stopped contact. We decided to remain close friends. And she had her kid late last year. She said that was a changed person now that she was a mom. She still had her issues but i sensed she was actually trying.
I had hoped to visit her at her home, but it didn't happen. We did meet up for a day / night get together two months ago. I just wanted to see her again, it had been so long. She still looked amazing. We saw a show together and stayed overnight. I had a great time. She told me she was still invoking the friends only mantra - I was OK with that. Going back to our hotel later that night, I finally saw the damage that BPO causes. I had witnessed traces of her aggressive behavior in the past, but this time it was a near disasterous outcome. She literally became another person in the span of 10 seconds, like flipping on a lightswitch and her lack of judgement almost caused both of us great harm. i won't recount what transpired, but she was very lucky she wasn't hurt. When the situation got out of hand I suddenly got out of the fog. i was so shaken up. I reminded her after it was over that she was a mom now and that this honeysuckle has got to stop, if ot for her sake, but for her kid's sake. I thought of her kid as this was happening and feared the worst. But, I see now that she cannot control herself. Any illusions i had thought of her, getting better, changing, etc were shattered for good. BPO has to be addressed with intensive therapy. But she's no longer interested in therapy. She prefers to block out what she cannot face, and drink all day/night. She must be seeing different guys again, as well. Back to the old, familiar ways.
I've not heard word from her since, other than a quick two line e-mail. I answered, then sent another message to see how she was doing. But nothing from her. Maybe she places blame on me for what went down. That's what someone with BPO does - they make you the reason, not themselves. Despite al the drama, it is so hard for me. Because I am not contacting her again. I am going to be pro-active instead of reactive. It's like kicking a drug habit, I tell you. I can't sleep. It is hard to function. i crave contact with her. i almost got in my car and drove out to see her.
What transpired two months ago is the final piece of the puzzle i needed to see the whole picture. I care for her so much. I miss her, badly, it tears me in two. The emotional pain i feel has not subsided. I will always love her. But there is nothing more I can do. I just cry a lot at random (babbling idiot, I am) and ask myself if I should ever bother getting involved with another girl again. I'm too old, i'm too destroyed and i cannot tell if someone is lying or being truthful. i tried so hard and i failed even harder.
I am lost, forever....
Thanks !
