Cheating

[ChiCowboy]

Simple question about a complex subject.

If you're in an exclusive relationship and your partner cheated, would that be a deal breaker?

Myself, in a word, no. As I said, it's a complex subject, and we can delve into the different possibilities if you like, but for me, a one-time cheat would not (necessarily) be a deal breaker.

 

[ShybutHi]

It is very subjective that's for sure. It really depends on the people in the relationship... if it was a mistake then just maybe it could be forgiven, but not lightly, also it depends on that person's personality. People do make mistakes and to throw away a relationship just like that might not be the right thing to do depending on the situation and people.

I have never been in the situation and i really dont know what i would do if i was. There are way too many potential variable's for my little brain to comprehend.

 

[ChiCowboy]

It is very subjective that's for sure. It really depends on the people in the relationship... if it was a mistake then just maybe it could be forgiven, but not lightly, also it depends on that person's personality. People do make mistakes and to throw away a relationship just like that might not be the right thing to do depending on the situation and people.

I have never been in the situation and i really dont know what i would do if i was. There are way too many potential variable's for my little brain to comprehend.

My thoughts, as well. Even if one has a serious problem, I'd stand by that person as long as she sought therapy.

A few other thoughts:
To me, if one party is cheating, the other has free reign in that department, and it WOULD NOT be cheating.

If one party is withholding sex - for whatever reason (other than physical pain) - the other is free to seek satisfaction elsewhere, and that would not be cheating, either. In this situation, the affected party would need to tell the other of his/her intentions. "Either give me some, or I'll find someone who will." The first situation involves deceit, and I would feel no guilt in stepping out on someone who's getting laid behind my back.

There is a third situation which, in my opinion, needs to be agreed upon beforehand: That of geographical separation. This would involve someone's occupation, and we see cases like this all the time with professional athletes and musicians, but it's not limited to those careers. Now, if I'm dumb enough to commit a crime and find myself locked up, I wouldn't expect my SO to remain faithful, but that's a pretty unique situation.

 

[SophiaGrace]

If one party is withholding sex - for whatever reason (other than physical pain) - the other is free to seek satisfaction elsewhere, and that would not be cheating, either. In this situation, the affected party would need to tell the other of his/her intentions. "Either give me some, or I'll find someone who will." The first situation involves deceit, and I would feel no guilt in stepping out on someone who's getting laid behind my back.

Why not just end the relationship if you're not getting any?

Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

[ChiCowboy]

Why not just end the relationship if you're not getting any?

There could be many reasons. Love, foremost among them. I knew a man in his mid-sixties, who had been married for over forty years to his wife. As is common with older women, her libido dropped out of sight. His didn't. He had a need she wasn't providing, and he fulfilled that need elsewhere. I don't consider his behavior to be cheating.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

I don't see it as wrong, especially if the one withholding sex is given notice. I don't know of any marriage vows that include a celebacy clause.

 

[Dragon]

From experience I can say - it doesn't have to be an end. It's very hard to forgive a betrayal like that, but if the people are willing and ready to try and rectify their relationship - it is possible and can lead to a stronger one. The known "once a cheater..." isn't always true. like most generalizations. including that one.

It takes a lot of work though, and it's not easy at all. True forgiveness needs to be achieved and true remorse and an active desire to fix things needs to be shown and felt.

However, one thing about the other situations you mentioned...:
In my opinion, other than in an open relationship, in which both sides agree on it and have no problems with it, if a person feels the need to "cheat", it would be better to just break up with their partners before hand. no matter how 'deserving' one might be - the hurt and pain this causes, both to them and their partners, is too great.

Hopefully, nobody here would ever experience this.

 

[JamaisVu]

Yeah I agree with you ChiCowboy. I'm a realist, it seems that most people are serially-monogamous and/or unfaithful. If the relationship is otherwise a happy one, I'd forgive him and we'd discuss the issue honestly.

In my own relationship I am monogamous but open-minded on the issue. I entered into a serious committed relationship at an early age, we were both virgins with no previous relationship experience. I anticipated that my S.O. may just want to see what it's like with other people sometime in the future or get a little bored of sex with the same person for so many years. He never has, he prefers monogamy. But if he changes his mind, he knows that I'd be willing to consider an open relationship so cheating is unnecessary. When I was younger I was more prone to jealousy, but at this point I just want my other half to be happy.

Also, if one partner is no longer interested in sex, it's only fair that the other one be allowed to seek it elsewhere.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

****...i hate it too when i get informed that a relationship I was was open on her end but not mine...

Its wouldnt totally end it for me..if. only. if she gets her girl friends to do threesomes wih us...fresia it I know how to compremize. Lets keep it all open N make it work. Im flexiable..if all the ladies R flexiable. Someone turning into a pretzel by the time i get through

 

[ChiCowboy]

Yeah I agree with you ChiCowboy. I'm a realist, it seems that most people are serially-monogamous and/or unfaithful.

I agree completely. Many people I've known (perhaps most) have stepped outside their marriage. honeysuckle happens. It's not the end of the world, and realizing this can save someone a lot of unnecessary grief. Now, there's a huge difference between a fling or two, a moment of weakness, a mistake, etc.; and being a whore (man or woman).

 

[Broken_Doll]

Cheating used to be a definate deal breaker for me. These days I'm more likely to consider giving people second chances.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I been cheated on. Thats I have an obsession of trying to resolve honeysuckle
with a particular person.lol

Dont wish it upon anyone. Its a fucken mental N emotional roller that last for a while. U dont wake up in a couple of weeks N go.." geezze babe..I forgive ya." it more like...Ur such a fucken lying cheathing whore...I fcuken hate u..ya fucken ***** "
My current GF even say..Im damage goods...I have issues up the ass. Cant seem to committ...wonder Y that is?lol
our relationship is working @ the moment..Been working on the NO EXPECTATIONS..stuff.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

FFS.. Its okay to cheat but its not okay to be a player..

If ur going to play...Play
Be single. Talk, meet and have hundreds of women in ur life..

If ur going to make a commitment
Then make a commitment.
If u changed ur mind..then get a devoirce or break up.

Keep it simple stupid.
Life is not that complicated.

 

[Minus]

From what i have seen there is far from a perfect correlation between what someone thinks they will do and what they actually do when faced with that situation. You surprise yourself sometimes.

 

[ChiCowboy]

FFS.. Its okay to cheat but its not okay to be a player..

If ur going to play...Play
Be single. Talk, meet and have hundreds of women in ur life..

If ur going to make a commitment
Then make a commitment.
If u changed ur mind..then get a devoirce or break up.

Keep it simple stupid.
Life is not that complicated.

I'm guessing this is directed at me, as I started both threads.

I never implied either was okay or not okay. Whether one dumps a cheater is highly subjective, and a player, as I tried to describe him, is someone who chooses a specific type of behavior in certain situations. There's nothing right or wrong about it.

People cheat all the time without changing their minds about commitment. It's not as simple as you think. Quite the opposite.

I'm asking YOU in the OP what YOU would do. I'm not asking what you think OTHERS should do.

---

From what i have seen there is far from a perfect correlation between what someone thinks they will do and what they actually do when faced with that situation. You surprise yourself sometimes.

Very true. There are so many variables to consider.

To me, honesty is key, especially honesty with oneself. If I enter into a relationship with a known tramp, I shouldn't be surprised if she cheats. Honesty from the partner is also important. I knew a woman who duped her boyfriend into believing she was a "good girl." A cheat can involve as little as a few minutes, and that's what she did...nearly every day...at work. There's no way anyone would expect her man to have known. Happens all the time. I worked as a room service waiter at the Reno Flamingo back in my twenties. I was propositioned many times by married women while hubby was downstairs gambling. Again, honesty with myself is important here. I've been around the block, and I realize that obsessing over how the world works harms only me.

I believe the old addage, "What you don't know won't hurt you" is highly applicable to this subject.

FWIW: As I've described elsewhere, I was involved with an addict for two years. I knew she was cheating. I certainly didn't like it, but that was not my foremost concern. I put the cheating out of my head. It was a highly dysfunctional relationship, to say the least, so probably not a good example, but it does illustrate that there can be more going on than un/faithfulness.

 

[shells]

Simple question about a complex subject.

If you're in an exclusive relationship and your partner cheated, would that be a deal breaker?

Yes, it's a deal-breaker.

My significant other and I have both discussed it. If one of us ever cheats, the other has to pull the plug on the relationship -- no matter how difficult it might be. Faithfulness is part of the foundation in a relationship. Once that trust is broken, it leaves room for relentless paranoia. It would be mental and emotional turmoil to constantly question the person that you should be able to trust the most.

 

[Mr. Sir]

It's basically inevitable for most men and women, but for different reasons.

I'd rather just kick myself up to the top 20% so I don't have to worry about it.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Complications??? U dont say...
Ive been having an emotional affair with my EX-WF this past yr. Shes marry..but I was married to her..
Pay back is a fuken ***** thats all I gatta say to her current husband.lol.

Btw...my ex-wf is a member of this forum. Hahahaaaaaaaa

 

[ChiCowboy]

Complications??? U dont say...
Ive been having an emotional affair with my EX-WF this past yr. Shes marry..but I was married to her..
Pay back is a fuken ***** thats all I gatta say to her current husband.lol.

Btw...my ex-wf is a member of this forum. Hahahaaaaaaaa

I can relate to the anger, but it will destroy you. I don't know if there are any quick fixes. Keep in mind that time does heal all wounds. What is the motivation for continued contact with your ex?

 

[Sylver]

This is a really complicated issue. I think the first part, one that most people don't think about, is the definition of cheating. For me, cheating is doing something that the person knows will hurt the other and then chooses to do it *and* not to tell their significant other(s).

It is not cheating if my man tells me he wants to go to a strip joint with the buddies. It is *also* not cheating if he calls me and tells me he wants to take a girl home (or to go to her apt) and I say it's alright.

It *is* cheating if he does it without telling me.

The problem with "cheating" is that most people don't really think about it fully and certainly don't talk to their SO(s) about it seriously. I sat with my man about the definition of cheating for a very long and serious conversation. I've done so with each of my partners to date. One of them (not my man) said that while flirting would not be considered cheating, kissing someone else would. That's fine. That's totally legitimate, it creates a road map for acceptable behavior.

As long as the behavior is known and mutually agreed upon, then it's not cheating. If there is a problem - like one side having significantly more libido than the other and not enough self control, it's something that should be opened and discussed between the parties. Whatever decision they make that is mutually agreed upon by both of them - from breaking up the relationship to opening it up mutually to "don't ask, don't tell", is fine - as long as it's mutually agreed upon.

As for forgiving a cheating SO, it depends very much on what actually happened and on the people involved. I've seen how much damage it can do to people to stay together when one has cheated - but I've also seen how people who love each other can overcome this and grow stronger together. So it really depends on the people involved and the situation.

Sorry for the extremely long and slightly rambling post.

Hugs!

 

[ChiCowboy]

No need to apologize, Sylver. Very well said. I couldn't agree more. It's not about sex; it's about trust.