As I lay awake last night, I found myself in a very reflective mood-set. Quietly contemplating the course of my life. I have orbited the Sun 30 times now, and something that has been on my mind for the last ten or so years is starting to come to a singular conclusion; I'm going to be alone.
This is not as sad of a topic as it sounds like though, it's actually just a choice that I've come to the realization that needs to be made, to save myself from a vain and pointless goal. The ideal was of course to find someone, get married, and all that jazz. This was perpetuated by pretty much everyone I've ever met. All of my friends consistently finding someone to be with, someone to love, and someone to of course marry. I wager I have been to more weddings in my college days than I have been alive. I enjoy weddings, I like to see my friends get their day. Though that's not the point of this post.
Point being I'm the odd man out. I'm the thirty year old whose an only child, and thus I've been entertaining myself for as long as I can remember. Very small group of friends who I enjoy being around, but they don't seek me out, and I've understood that. I don't draw people to me, it's not within my nature. While I'm not terribly shy, I'm also not that interested in doing something unless I've analyzed it to death, gone over it with a fine toothed comb, and created a host of contingency plans. This has become known to me as a lot of work.
For all my plans, the trials and tribulations of what I was attempting to find (a mate). Nothing has ever proved successful. To be more clear, when I say successful, I mean zero success. I do not mean I've had a few girlfriends, and it didn't work out. I mean, literal zero. You couldn't go through the panorama of my life and find something to string together to even call an actual date. Nope, never got that far. However, it's not really brought me down. I didn't become more convicted to find someone, it didn't motivate me or refresh my endeavors anew. Actually it became tedious, redundant, and way too much effort to bear no fruit.
So as I sat there last night, thinking about this, I came to the conclusion, that I don't care. It's not that I could be classified as asexual. I certainly have a desire, but the motivation to pursue that desire is severely lacking. It's just too much effort anymore to start that process again, only to see the outcome repeated. Not to mention I've heard every bit of advice under the sun. There are certain people out there that nothing works for.
Long story....well more long, I've come to the decision that I won't go after it anymore. I'm not going to put myself out there, do all the legwork and try and generate something that just isn't there. It's just going to be me, and that's fine. And unless a ninja of a woman comes out of nowhere and plans a sneak attack that I can't even see coming, I doubt that's going to change. (I'm highly alert.)
Well I wanted to share this, as I needed to get it out there. Tell someone about it, because as with most of my friends, they'd try and tell me some kind of advice to change this mindset. Whereas here, with total strangers who know next to nothing about me, it can be freely expressed. Thank you for indulging my rant.
This is not as sad of a topic as it sounds like though, it's actually just a choice that I've come to the realization that needs to be made, to save myself from a vain and pointless goal. The ideal was of course to find someone, get married, and all that jazz. This was perpetuated by pretty much everyone I've ever met. All of my friends consistently finding someone to be with, someone to love, and someone to of course marry. I wager I have been to more weddings in my college days than I have been alive. I enjoy weddings, I like to see my friends get their day. Though that's not the point of this post.
Point being I'm the odd man out. I'm the thirty year old whose an only child, and thus I've been entertaining myself for as long as I can remember. Very small group of friends who I enjoy being around, but they don't seek me out, and I've understood that. I don't draw people to me, it's not within my nature. While I'm not terribly shy, I'm also not that interested in doing something unless I've analyzed it to death, gone over it with a fine toothed comb, and created a host of contingency plans. This has become known to me as a lot of work.
For all my plans, the trials and tribulations of what I was attempting to find (a mate). Nothing has ever proved successful. To be more clear, when I say successful, I mean zero success. I do not mean I've had a few girlfriends, and it didn't work out. I mean, literal zero. You couldn't go through the panorama of my life and find something to string together to even call an actual date. Nope, never got that far. However, it's not really brought me down. I didn't become more convicted to find someone, it didn't motivate me or refresh my endeavors anew. Actually it became tedious, redundant, and way too much effort to bear no fruit.
So as I sat there last night, thinking about this, I came to the conclusion, that I don't care. It's not that I could be classified as asexual. I certainly have a desire, but the motivation to pursue that desire is severely lacking. It's just too much effort anymore to start that process again, only to see the outcome repeated. Not to mention I've heard every bit of advice under the sun. There are certain people out there that nothing works for.
Long story....well more long, I've come to the decision that I won't go after it anymore. I'm not going to put myself out there, do all the legwork and try and generate something that just isn't there. It's just going to be me, and that's fine. And unless a ninja of a woman comes out of nowhere and plans a sneak attack that I can't even see coming, I doubt that's going to change. (I'm highly alert.)
Well I wanted to share this, as I needed to get it out there. Tell someone about it, because as with most of my friends, they'd try and tell me some kind of advice to change this mindset. Whereas here, with total strangers who know next to nothing about me, it can be freely expressed. Thank you for indulging my rant.
