Communication Problems

[Locke]

I've had some awful things happen in my life, and I blame myself for some of it. I am trying to let go of the pain and guilt that I constantly feel, but its interfering with my relationship and friendships. I'm having a difficult time opening up to people and talking about my past. I'm fine talking about it online, I can take my time and only say as much as I'm comfortable with. Having a conversation about it with someone is different though. My girlfriend wants me to share things with her, but she doesn't understand how hard it is to talk about. I think that she believes that I don't want to be closer to her - I do. I had a similar problem with a good friend recently (although it was completely my fault, and my friend is really understanding and patient with me).

I have already talked about this with a few people. One person said that I should concentrate on healing a little more before I can be in a healthy relationship. They also suggested that I find support groups, read self help books and do whatever I can to begin the healing process. Great advice, and I've started working on it. Another person told me that talking about traumatic events isn't always healthy, unless I want to talk about it. It can feel like reliving it. It makes sense, and I agree.

I think I know how I'm going to move forward from here, but I wanted to see if anyone had any insight that I may have missed. I know this isn't a mental health forum, but there are some people who I really like and respect here, so any advice or thoughts would be welcome.

 

[Tiina63]

Maybe you could let your girlfriend read some of the self help books you are using so that she can understand that your finding it hard to talk to her about the awful things which have happened in your life is perfectly normal. Or could she go along with you to one of the support group meetings for more reassurance about this? She could then stop worrying that you aren't telling her things because you don't want to be close to her.

 

[Solivagant]

Maybe you could let your girlfriend read some of the self help books you are using so that she can understand that your finding it hard to talk to her about the awful things which have happened in your life is perfectly normal. Or could she go along with you to one of the support group meetings for more reassurance about this? She could then stop worrying that you aren't telling her things because you don't want to be close to her.

^ I agree, I think that could be really beneficial to both of you.

 

[Garbageman]

All I got is just be honest, and communicate what your comfortable with, and when possible try to offer an explanation of how you are feeling, and why it is difficult for you. Just try to keep her involved, which goes along with the above statements. I wish you the best, and hope you can find peace. Take care.

 

[Locke]

Thanks guys. Getting people I care about more involved in my healing process is a great idea, and I agree that being honest and explaining my situation is the best thing to do.

I have explained why it's hard to talk about to my girlfriend, but I'm not sure it'll be enough. She has shared a lot with me, and I just can't do the same. I don't think I can give her the deep emotional connection that she wants. She feels like she has to compete with the ghost of my wife. Maybe she does. I'm obsessed with blaming myself for my wife's death, and I refuse to let her in and share the pain with her. What is she supposed to think?

I'm definitely the bad guy here. I probably wasn't ready for a relationship, but I got into one anyway. The ironic part is that before I met my girlfriend, I couldn't even leave my house or post on a forum, I was too afraid of people. She saved me from my life of solitude and misery.

I don't want to be doomed to only have shallow relationships - or worse - be alone for the rest of my life. I guess I was hoping for some way that I could talk about these things to people without it feeling like I'm opening an old wound. I'm sure I'll be okay again someday, I'm just impatient.

 

[ladyforsaken]

It's really difficult for anyone to say how your healing process should exactly be like but it seems that you already have a few suggestions which you can try and see what suits you best. A lot of times people think they have dealt and gotten over the death of a loved one.. but it's really never so simple to be honest. The logic tends to be a lot faster than the subconscious, I realise in my own experience of dealing with death. You think you have moved on, but then there are days you just find yourself kinda back at where you were before.... if you know what I mean.

It's also understandable that you aren't able (at the moment, at least) to share the pain with your girlfriend. I think most people after going through loss they tend to shut the whole world out and live in their own world. Maybe it's fear that it would only hurt the others, or burden them. Maybe it's thinking that they won't be able to understand.

When my dad passed away 6 years ago (it sure doesn't feel like 6 years, feels like less still at this point of time), I didn't know how to mourn or deal with it. Putting a strong front was one of my ways, as well as to shut everyone else out, distance from them and stay in my shell, and it didn't exactly help. I don't think I have gotten over it, I'm not sure if anyone can get over loss of a loved one, especially one really close to heart, but I'm pretty sure one can get better at dealing or handling it. And what I do know to get to this stage where I think I have "moved on" somewhat, I went through phases of relief, sadness, anger, and then I realise eventually I was ready to forgive (towards him and towards myself). And this was only like.. in the past year or so. I do still cry over it at times..but that's normal I guess.

In your case though, it's a different story and trickier. To find someone to stand in that position that was once filled isn't easy to come to terms with, on both your end and hers. In a way, I think like you said, she helped you move past some hurdle at the very least, and if you both are patient at working at it together, I think you can work things out. But I think in your process of healing, she should be included and I'm sure she would want to as well as a support. And you definitely have support from your friends to get through this and figure it out.

Sometimes, if you don't treat an old wound properly, it might not heal right and would only spread on to affect the other parts of you.

Locke, I really think you have come a very long way at what has happened in your life before this. You have done very well so far though and I hope you take some credit in the progress you've made so far. It will get better, you will get better. Good luck. *hugs*

 

[Solivagant]

Great post, ladyforsaken.

 

[Bei]

I'm sorry you're going through this <3

 

[Locke]

Great post, ladyforsaken.

I agree. Thank you for sharing that, lady. It made me feel better.

I'm sorry you're going through this <3

Thank you *Hugs*

And you definitely have support from your friends to get through this and figure it out.

Yes, if there's one thing I do know, it's that. I'm really grateful, I don't think I could get through it alone.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this right now. And I hope things get better for you soon. I think the book idea is a wonderful idea, I was actually going to suggest that myself. =)

Another thing that would be good is try writing down how you feel when you're alone and try reading it to her. It may be hard, or pushing things a little bit too far but write down your feelings and maybe it'll help her understand how you truly feel and how your past is troubling you. It's just a suggestion though. It's hard for me to think of what to say on the spot and writing letters and reading out loud has always helped me express it more thoroughly.

Best of luck to you! And everyone supports you here, you must know that! =)