confessions of a coward to intimacy

[nowhere.man]

Man, I can't wait to get this off my chest!

So, I just turned 20 years old. I several healthy friendships, and the majority of my friends have all had at least one real relationship. Or at least try and play the field.

I, myself, have never had a steady relationship with a woman. In fact, I've never asked a girl out on a date. I've been on a couple that I didn't initiate, but I was too frightened to make anything happen.

The biggest concern I have about myself and relationships is the fact that I haven't kissed a girl since I was 14! If any of my close friends were aware of this fact, they'd be shocked. I've been told by multitudes of girls over the years that they find me attractive and enjoy being around me. But I never have the guts or know how to direct that attraction into a relationship.

I'm always worried that if I ask her on a date, in our being together alone, I'll have nothing interesting to say. Beyond that, I wouldn't know where to take her. And I don't know how to handle the progression of a second or third date, how to keep the attraction alive.

Or that if the dating becomes steady, I won't be able to impress or relate to her friends. Or that my friends will bore her.

After finishing my first year of college, my closest encounters of intimacy include intentionally getting drunk at a party in order to lower my inhibitions enough to dance with random girls and becoming enthralled with a girl who had a boyfriend, spooning with her several times at her beckoning call over the course of the year, fully aware that it wasn't going to go anywhere.

I try my best at being a gentleman, and girls find me easy to talk to. But I always end up getting stuck in the friend zone as I allow them to feel more and more comfortable discussing their past relationships. I become a therapist instead of a possible boyfriend.

Over the years, I've pretty much just suppressed the fact that I make no efforts to attract a woman into my life. I have lapses every once in while where I'm just like, "Dammit, man! What are you doing? Go out there and talk to some ladies! You're letting the chance at love pass you up!"

I don't know if I'm afraid of rejection or just fearful of the unknown, having next to none dating experience.

I know a lot of guys are satisified with just hooking up, one night stands, that kind of thing. That's not me. I want a relationship. I want to get to know the girl. Share my life and grow with her. It's just the initiation of the whole process seems so daunting considering how little I know or have experienced.

I'm not really sure what advice I'm searching for here. I mainly just wanted to share all of this, because everyone I associate with is under the impression, which I emulate, that my love life is just fine.

I guess some pointers on places to take girls on dates and advice on how the evening should progress would be nice. And how to integrate a girlfriend into the rest of your life. I imagine if I had a girl to call my own, I would want to spend as much time with her as possible. But everyone needs their space. But how much space is enough?

Anyway, any and all advice would be greatly appreciated, because, my god, I am freakin lonely.

 

[Jesse]

I don't have any tips, but I thought I'd let you know you weren't alone. I'm the same way, except I've decided I'm too scared to even want to learn how to talk to women.

 

[samba101]

Yeah intimacy can be scary when it's your first time, there's so many fears. Once you find someone you'll find yourself being less scared as time goes by, it's like someone said to me you just have to jump in and do it.

Take her to places you like to go, maybe out with your friends for the night, have dinner at a place that is affordable, a coffee at a cafe, bring her around to watch movies. Make it as natural as you can so you don't feel awkward.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

For me...a relationship with a woman that involves sex is bascailly almost the samething as a friendship.
If you had experince with that...then you pretty much know how to build a foundation.

As in all friendship..you have an in and out phase or I don't hang out with my friends all the time
after a while. Long term relationship can be like that after a while...becuase you're around that
person all the time...and it gets old or boring. Spending time apart can be a good thing sometimes.

It is also healthy that you have your own life...hobbies or freinds outside of the relationship.
This will help bring balance into the relationship.

As far as sex ...you have to relize women like sex just as much as you do.
Sex is not a dirty thing nor should be used as a bargining chip...
This is were trouble starts in paradize...is when sex is being used as a prized or reward.
Think of it as SHARING your LOVE...Sharing your life together.

Try to stay away from the ownership mindset as much as you can...
This is were jealousy and taking your partner for granted start setting in.
You won't be perfect at this...but every now and then..you and your partner
have to remind one another that you don't own each other..in this way you don't take
your partner for granted and this also helps keep the desire or romance alive.

The more time you spend with women the better you'll be at ease.
Just start dating different women...you'll make mistakes but you'll learn from them.
Most of the time a woman will give you hints or signals you're allow to touch her.

Body contacts...makes a big difference as far as sexuality.
Bascailly just go with the flow.
If you been listen to them...at some piont she's going to cry on your shoulder..lol
Or at some piont you'll just have to make an excuse to touch her or hold her hands.

At some piont you'll just have to hold her hips and pull her in close to you and look into her eyes.
If she looks back and not pull away...whether she said anything or not...especailly when she dosn't
say anything...just shut up and kiss her.

Once you get to know a woman better...bascailly you'll open up more and she open up more.
Communication and trust is key. This also applies in the bed room.
Listen to her...If you're both are comfortible with on another...bascailly you can ask her how
she likes to be pleased sexaully

 

[SophiaGrace]

"I know a lot of guys are satisified with just hooking up, one night stands, that kind of thing."

Bullcrap. Theyre just talking hot air.

Youre just a person who wants meaning and good emotional connections with those around him. Dont stress...Albert Camus has a good point, "You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” Basically, to me, he's saying if you overcomplicate things that just naturally come to you (such as relationships) you'll run yourself in circles.

Relax. Be yourself. Hold the girl's hand for God's sakes and perhaps try not to let them talk about their past loves?

 

[Jesse]

Relax. Be yourself. Hold the girl's hand for God's sakes

(shudder) so nervous and scared. Too scared to even try to find a date. I'd rather not have to face it.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Relax. Be yourself. Hold the girl's hand for God's sakes

(shudder) so nervous and scared. Too scared to even try to find a date. I'd rather not have to face it.

risk nothing you gain nothing >_>

 

[Jesse]

Relax. Be yourself. Hold the girl's hand for God's sakes

(shudder) so nervous and scared. Too scared to even try to find a date. I'd rather not have to face it.

risk nothing you gain nothing >_>

Yeah. Unfortunately I'm content with that. I've experienced love and it's just not worth it. I'd rather be alone than face my fear of women.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Yeah. Unfortunately I'm content with that. I've experienced love and it's just not worth it. I'd rather be alone than face my fear of women.

You'll grow out of that contentment someday..

You can't win if you don't take chances
Not taking a chance is the biggest risk you'll take anyway.

Think of it like this...as in target practicing or dailing in your scope...

No one seldom hits the bulleyes on the first shot , second shot,
or third shot...
You make adjustments as you go...or dial it in.

It's the samething when I tune or trim my R/C models.
It takes me months sometimes to adjust the model's balance,
trim, center of gravity, engine...etc. I have to dial it in..a little
bit at a time...And yes..it's jaw dropping , knees shaking to put
$1000 in the air. I've crashed plenty of models during my first
year. The models disintregate into little pieces
Sometimes I'll glue all the little pieces back together.
Other times I'll build another model...
But the thing about it was...I had a very deep burning desire
to learn how to fly R/C models and make them do kick ass aerobatics
stunts. I never gave up on it or never gave up on myself inspite
of the many set backs.
After a year, I was doing evasive manuves 5-10' off of the deck...
Taking crazy chances...going inverted 5 feet off the deck and doin snap rolls.
Lmao..my ex-gf sometimes wish i paid more attention to her than the **** models.

I actaully felt more fears running through my vains in my first solo flight than hitting on a woman..
I nevered experince the cheek pucker effects when asking a woman out...lmao

Here's the thing about tuning R/C model nitro engines...You have to compensate and
there's no such thing as it being perfectly tune engine due to variable weather or temperature
of a given day. Bascailly you dial in a model as tight as you can...but it'll never fly perfect,
you learn to fly an un-perfect model....

In other words...you learn how to become a better pilot.
Relationships are the same...you grow through them and become a better person.

 

[Spare]

Think of it like this...as in target practicing or dailing in your scope...

No one seldom hits the bulleyes on the first shot , second shot,
or third shot...
You make adjustments as you go...or dial it in.

Good analogy!

 

[Jack Kerouac]

This is gonna be a bit long sorry! lol

I, myself, have never had a steady relationship with a woman. In fact, I've never asked a girl out on a date. I've been on a couple that I didn't initiate, but I was too frightened to make anything happen.

Ok, first things first. You should start asking girls out on dates.

The biggest concern I have about myself and relationships is the fact that I haven't kissed a girl since I was 14! If any of my close friends were aware of this fact, they'd be shocked. I've been told by multitudes of girls over the years that they find me attractive and enjoy being around me. But I never have the guts or know how to direct that attraction into a relationship.

You can start at any time. Don't be worried.

I'm always worried that if I ask her on a date, in our being together alone, I'll have nothing interesting to say. Beyond that, I wouldn't know where to take her. And I don't know how to handle the progression of a second or third date, how to keep the attraction alive.

It's scary and you're not going to clique with everyone, but with some girls you'll probably have great effortless conversations!

Don't be afraid to win them all over. Seriously- I went out with a fundamentalist Christian multiple times this year! We had NOTHING in common. Talking to her was like pulling teeth- she even asked me to go to church with her!- I kept it up though because I felt it was good practice to take chances on something that made me anxious. And I have the good attitude that I blame her for the lack of conversation- I really tried and she gave me little to work with. Most girls will give you plenty of things to talk about if you just ask them questions about themselves and their likes and dislikes, and passions and dreams.

A few of the girls I went out with this year I felt like we were long term friends from the start and it was very easy.

None the less, I was nervous before every date I went on thinking I'd run out of things to say! It's just a baseless fear really. If you do, then the girl you are with is probably boring. Blame her.

After you've gone out on one or 2 dates with a girl and have gotten to know her better, all kinds of ideas of things you can do with her will pop into your head, because you'll get her personality better. The first date or 2 are always going to be a bit of a gamble. I feel the most comfortable going to a bar and talking while having a few drinks for a first date. I've tried going out to eat and that's awkward with a stranger, but passable. On a 2nd or 3rd date it's cool if you know you have things in common. Movie dates are OK for a 2nd or 3rd but probably not for the first. After that basic stuff, try to see what the girl is into doing, and if you know of any stuff like that, be creative and take her somewhere she'll like that's unique.

Or that if the dating becomes steady, I won't be able to impress or relate to her friends. Or that my friends will bore her.

Meeting friends can be scary, but usually it goes ok. If you show that you like the girl, and are at least polite to the friends, they'll probably like you. And girls are dating you- not your friends. Yes it feels good to show that you have cool friends to a girl, but it's not that important.

If the dating becomes steady, you're going to spend most of your time messing around anyways and not caring about other people.

After finishing my first year of college, my closest encounters of intimacy include intentionally getting drunk at a party in order to lower my inhibitions enough to dance with random girls and becoming enthralled with a girl who had a boyfriend, spooning with her several times at her beckoning call over the course of the year, fully aware that it wasn't going to go anywhere.

If you can dance with random girls in college, you are sooo in the game it's not funny. Lots of people won't do that- I won't. If you can get girls to dance with you, you have lots of opportunities to ask for numbers, and the girls already think you have confidence.

And yeah, try not to let a girl take advantage of you like spoon girl.

I try my best at being a gentleman, and girls find me easy to talk to. But I always end up getting stuck in the friend zone as I allow them to feel more and more comfortable discussing their past relationships. I become a therapist instead of a possible boyfriend.

Nothing wrong with being a gentleman- some girls do like that stuff regardless of what you hear about badboys etc.

To get out of the friendzone, you need to make ONE VERY IMPORTANT MOVE!!!! Go in for the kiss on the first (or at least second) date. First though if you can. If a girl doesn't let you kiss her on the first date, odds aren't good anyways.

If you hang out with her multiple times and don't kiss, you're putting yourself into a tough situation to get out of, unless the girl is showing major interest in you.

If a girl brings up past relationships on a first date, tell her it's none of your business and change the subject. Don't EVER let a girl talk to you about past relationships on your first few dates. Later on it's ok.


I'd also recommend dating girls you just met at parties to make this move thing easier on you. It's hard to be in the friend zone if you ask a girl out on a date during the first phone call you ever make to her, and then follow up with a kiss on it. That makes your intentions crystal clear. Also usually when I get a girl's number I'll say "we should go out on a date sometime. Let me get your number and I'll call you". No need to be vague. If she doesn't like you like then she just won't give you her number and you can try again with somebody else. LOTS of girls probably won't like you like that- it's ok. Perfectly normal to get turned down when asking for numbers. You might get turned down 10 or more times before you get one even, and then you can't even be sure the girl isn't going to backout on a date with you.

A lot of the times I get numbers I'm on autopilot I hit on girls so often, and I almost didn't realize I was trying to get one in the first place! It's strange how that happens. Usually they've been girls I would have thought were out of my league too- so it just goes to show you, if you get confident enough to ask a lot of girls for their numbers, you'll be more likely to get them from girls you find really attractive.

Over the years, I've pretty much just suppressed the fact that I make no efforts to attract a woman into my life. I have lapses every once in while where I'm just like, "Dammit, man! What are you doing? Go out there and talk to some ladies! You're letting the chance at love pass you up!"

I don't know if I'm afraid of rejection or just fearful of the unknown, having next to none dating experience.

So go get some! I'm 29 and haven't been trying for girls for years. Sure I've had sex with some girls, a 2 year relationship when I was younger, kissed a decent amount girls and had some girlfriends over the years. But I had almost no girl activity for tons of years in a row. I met most girls through friends and at parties of friends, and when lots of my friends stopped going out as much, I lost it all and wasted most of my 20s not realizing I needed to be out there making things happen on my own. This year I had enough of that crap and have been approaching girls that I do not know at all, and I'm making the effort. I never did anything like that before. We all need experience sometime.

I know a lot of guys are satisified with just hooking up, one night stands, that kind of thing. That's not me. I want a relationship. I want to get to know the girl. Share my life and grow with her. It's just the initiation of the whole process seems so daunting considering how little I know or have experienced.

Well if you start approaching girls you don't know, you're going to have to get used to a bit of that one night stand/hooking up thing, because that's just what happens whether you like it or not. I love relationships too, but they're not that easy to start. So you have to change your mentality around a bit and at least BE OPEN to enjoying hooking up with some girls that don't mean much. That'll keep you happier when things don't workout many times (which is going to happen with girls that don't approach you). Plus if you think a girl is just going to be a one night stand and don't try with her because of that, you might miss out on the one who actually will want to be your girlfriend!

I guess some pointers on places to take girls on dates and advice on how the evening should progress would be nice. And how to integrate a girlfriend into the rest of your life. I imagine if I had a girl to call my own, I would want to spend as much time with her as possible. But everyone needs their space. But how much space is enough?

really that all depends on the girl. I've gone out with some girls who want to call me or see me almost every day and sit on the phone for hours (I prefer this for sure!), some who will text you goodmorning and then 30 times throughout the day, some who want to go out 2 or 3 times a week, and others who are cool seeing you every other week with a text message here or there.

I would recommend not putting up with girls who don't want to go out at least twice a week, because I think they're probably a waste of time.

Places to go.. bars are the best initial dates in the world as far as I'm conserned. Otherwise maybe a pool hall or bowling alley? Food dates are ok but they are kind of awkward. Some people go on coffee dates, which is probably good too. I think it's best to be able to talk alone with a girl for an hour or 2 the first time you go out so you get some more ideas. Like I said, after a couple initial dates, you'll probably think of places to take the girl based on her personality, so there's really not much good advice as each girl is different. Also you probably want to touch the girl a few times during the date- like bump into her flirtingly, touch her arm or something for whatever reason, if you're playing a game like pool put your arm on her and tell her she's gonna mess up her shot because of it- little things like that. That makes it a lot easier to kiss her at the end of the date or whenever.

 

[Papabear]

Seriously, just start asking chicks out like you don't give a fresia whether or not they say yes. You might get shot down a couple of times at first but before you know it your recklessness will overcome your fear and will magically turn itself into confidence and women like that more than anything in the initial phases.

I went through a time in my life like this and I just stopped caring and then all of a sudden I was meeting women like crazy and ended up dating one of the most gorgeous women I'd ever met.

 

[Brian]

Well, I'm pretty much in the same boat...every year it seems I run in to one possible dating opportunity, but it has yet to play out.

I've been talking to this girl I met online who was looking for a potential partner since she's moving to the area. I moved on to texting and phonecalls, a huge step for me, and I was happy to notice that she had a lot to talk about.

I was working this weekend as security for a stupid homesales event (a quick $100 to do nothing, I couldn't resist) and she was up in the area so I asked if she wanted to come and at least hang out. I never really expected her to because that sort of thing never happens for me.

Next thing I know, she's asking directions, and then a bit later there she was.

Sadly our interaction that day simply reinforced to me my fears: I'm...well, boring. I guess. I have a hard time keeping a conversation going with women. I asked a lot of questions that I'd memorized or a few I thought up on the spot, but I don't think we really made any connection.


Some of Lonesome Crow's advice regarding physical contact kicked in to my head...I tried a couple of times to get closer to her than arms reach (we were walking around), but she seemed uncomfortable and would casually move away as I moved toward her.

I don't know what to do. I was being friendly, I thought, and making jokes where I could and all that jazz. I just can't seem to connect personally.


So I'm in the same place I was three weeks ago, which is the same place I've been my entire life. Lonely, sad, hopeless and clueless.

 

[Jesse]

Well, I'm pretty much in the same boat...every year it seems I run in to one possible dating opportunity, but it has yet to play out.

I've been talking to this girl I met online who was looking for a potential partner since she's moving to the area. I moved on to texting and phonecalls, a huge step for me, and I was happy to notice that she had a lot to talk about.

I was working this weekend as security for a stupid homesales event (a quick $100 to do nothing, I couldn't resist) and she was up in the area so I asked if she wanted to come and at least hang out. I never really expected her to because that sort of thing never happens for me.

Next thing I know, she's asking directions, and then a bit later there she was.

Sadly our interaction that day simply reinforced to me my fears: I'm...well, boring. I guess. I have a hard time keeping a conversation going with women. I asked a lot of questions that I'd memorized or a few I thought up on the spot, but I don't think we really made any connection.


Some of Lonesome Crow's advice regarding physical contact kicked in to my head...I tried a couple of times to get closer to her than arms reach (we were walking around), but she seemed uncomfortable and would casually move away as I moved toward her.

I don't know what to do. I was being friendly, I thought, and making jokes where I could and all that jazz. I just can't seem to connect personally.


So I'm in the same place I was three weeks ago, which is the same place I've been my entire life. Lonely, sad, hopeless and clueless.

Man I know how that feels. Initiating physical contact is the hardest part for me- well actually the hardest part for me is meeting a new person. Once I'm comfortable with them I can hold a conversation fine, but I'm clueless about physical contact. This always puts me in the friend zone. I wish it were easier.