Confused and Lonely ( Long Read )

[Darkness]

Well I finally broke down and registered on this site. I have been reading countless of threads for months. I guess one way to hopefully overcome my obstacles is to speak my mind and listen to other people perspectives on things. So here it goes...

I’m a 25 year old male who has been alone my entire life. I have never had a girlfriend. So everything a boyfriend / girlfriend would do. I haven’t done. I haven’t had a first kiss, date, never got to experience homecoming + prom; hell I’m still a virgin. I’m still living at home with my parents. The years go by my suicidal / depression thoughts are becoming too much to bare.

I just don’t understand what I have done wrong to lead me down such a lonely/miserable/ pathetic path in life. I have always been a nice guy and treated people with respect. I was always there for friends to give them a helping hand when they needed it. I went out of my way plenty of times to help put a smile on friend’s faces. I was friends with anyone who wanted to be a friend with me. I didn’t care if you were a jock, nerd, ugly, fat, druggy, alcoholic…etc If you treated me with respect, I was going to return that respect back to you.

I played sports all my life and was a good player in whatever I played. Since I didn’t have a girlfriend, I learned one of life’s valuable lessons at an early age. I learned how to work as a team. I didn’t have a person cheering me on in the crowd. So therefore I didn’t care about stats and breaking school records to impress the girlfriend. I did everything I could to help my team win, even if I had to risk getting hit hard or running into the outfield fence...etc I would play positions other players didn’t want to play. I was always respectful to the other teams we played even if we got our butts kicked. I was an all around team player. I cared about everyone.

Basically everything I set my mind to I was good at. The things that I wasn’t good at, but enjoyed doing. I would keep practicing at until I became good and destroyed the person who embarrassed me! Yet the one thing I was never good at in my life was girls/ woman. I have been short all my life, ended up getting glasses for being nearsighted at a young age. Then to make matters worse I ended up having to get braces and then deal with retainers after I was done with the braces. Oh and I can’t forget about the lovely Acne!

Over the years I ended up getting the Acne under control and no longer having braces and retainers. I ended up getting a big boost of confidence and started to feel good about myself. Finally I got the balls to man up and start approaching girls in junior/high school. I knew that I was still going to get turned down by some girls; I have witness so many other guys go through the same thing. So I knew it would happen. Yet every girl that I have asked out said no. This has crushed me so bad. I was just an ugly little runt in the sea of guys at my school. My senior year of high school, it was my last soccer game of the regular season career and all the girls wore all the senior guy’s jerseys in the crowd. (They had the away jerseys). This was the girl’s idea and they planned this out a week ahead of time. The night came and not one girl wore my jersey. We ended up winning the game and I went straight home and jumped in my bed cried my eyes out. I was so crushed.

I have always showed the out most respect to woman all throughout my life, and yet I’m the guy left out in the cold. I guess the saying “Nice guys will always finish last “is true. Yet I don’t understand why so many woman turn down the nice guys? What do we do wrong that is a major turnoff? I just don’t understand it. It just makes me sick constantly seeing woman crying and hurting because they just got cheated on by their boyfriend. Then turn around and date another idiot who was just like the last one. I mean why do girls hate me? I just don’t get it at all? Yeah I may be small but I’m athletic, I consider myself to be smart and most importantly I’m loyal, but all these girls just judge me by my appearance. Yes I may be small, but I know for a fact that I have one the biggest hearts you’ll ever find in a guy. There are quite a few girls I know right now, that I would give the world to if I could, just simply because they acknowledge me or talk to me.

It makes me so sad when I do hang out with some guys. Listening to them degrade so many woman. They act and treat them like dirt. I can still remember one night sitting around the Poker table, playing good old Texas holdem and a few of the guys were getting text messages by some girls. Just sitting there listening to them referring them to bitches, and then basically telling everyone that they are just trying to get in the girls pants. They don’t care about relationships. They don’t understand how lucky they are to have girls interested in them. Every time I get a text message from a girl I feel like I’m on Cloud 9.

It just makes me sick at work. Watching all these people cheat on their relationships. I wish these idiots would realize how freaking lucky they are to have someone to work for, someone to come home to, someone that will be there for them when they are down. Then to make matters worse you got people like me who are there, that are single and we don’t even get acknowledge. I’m not going to date someone who is obviously cheating on a spouse, but it still makes me sick that they don’t attempt to try to get to know me. Hell there is a girl who is going around giving a ton of guy’s blowjobs at work. She just walks up and asks to give you one. (I find this very disturbing and disgusting to say the least.) Yet she has never asked to give me one. (I WOULD TELL HER “NO!!!” IN A HEARTBEAT) but the fact that she doesn’t ask me just shows that I’m one ugly SOB that no one wants. It just makes me so sad!

I’m at the point in my life where I don’t even care anymore. I ended up getting a college degree, but I didn’t do anything with it because I see no point anymore. What is the point in busting my butt to get a better job? Yeah I might have a better house, car, toys...etc but it still doesn’t change that fact that I’m going to be lonely the rest of my life. I want to experience love first hand, but I just can’t see that happening now. I have never had anyone give me a chance. If I were to go out now and get a better job and bring home better money and woman started becoming interested in me. I would just think they are out for the money.

To make matters worse I’m constantly at war in my head now. I got a drill sergeant in one ear telling me to suck it up and stay positive and keep trying and in the other ear. I got a loner basically telling me to give up and it is too late now. Then in the middle is the part of me who doesn’t even give a crap anymore. Basically this thread posted by Lynth - http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=12642 hits the nail on the head for me.

One thing I always see on these forums and other sites. Are people telling you to go out and have fun and experience life. Yet how do you have fun? When you have no friends at all anymore. I literally haven’t had a best friend in over 7 years now. I have gone out a few times and I just become so super depressed. I go in a bar and I see people laughing and smiling and having a good time. I see boyfriends and girlfriends having a time of their life. Hell just driving around town and looking over in other cars driving by and seeing families talking makes me so jealous. I want to do and have all these things but I can’t, because no one wants to give me a chance.

I have been an avid gamer for the past 15 years. Video games have pretty much been a cure to my disease of: loneliness, depression, sadness…etc I enjoyed playing hours upon hours of video games because it got my mind off all these horrible negative thoughts. I only played games at night though. I didn’t wake up and play video games until it was time to go to bed. I did a ton of activities throughout the day. The one thing I like so much about video games is that you don’t get judged right off the bat, like in the real world. For the most part you get along with everyone because we all shared the same passion. It just saddens me and makes me feel so pathetic when I have more INTERNET friends than I do REAL LIFE friends. I know this isn’t really a bad thing, since our world is changing rapidly with Technology, but it still bothers me and makes me feel so uncomfortable. Here recently I have been losing interest in playing video games. This is why I’m so lost.

It just hurts so much sitting here and balling my eyes out typing this out and listening to depressing music. My heart has been broken my whole life. Like someone else has said in another thread on these forums. My heart has always been broke, it just laying on the floor in a million pieces. I can’t put it together by myself. I need someone else to help me build it. I so want to put it together, but realize it is pretty much too late.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I kind of get ya...Even thouigh Ive had GFs most of my life and I sort of have one now. My heart been stomped on and putted through the fucken blender over N over again....
The ladies on here might disagree but where I stand . When I show my gardenia side ..even my current fling wont stop calling me. No matter how much I piss her off ..I purposely put the theory to the test.

It had alway boggled my mind by women would throw themswelves @ me especially when I treat them like honeysuckle or dont give a fresia. Chase me N get on their knees in tears begging me to give me a blow job. It happened numberous times. As its happening Im asking myself..WTF?

Im also very nice. I will kiss a woman's ass. I guess its like a BALANCing act.

I also dress like a badboy.I give certain women the I wanna fresia the live honeysuckle out of Ya look.Their body lanuage say something differnt then what comes out of their mouth

Money?Malke honeysuckle loads of money dude. IT IS WHAT IT IS.
Screw fucken guilt.
Gravity dont give a fresia How nice i am.

 

[JamaisVu]

Welcome to the site. You seem like a good guy and 25 is too young to give up on finding a girlfriend and friends. Have you tried dating sites or other social sites? I honestly think people are better off searching for someone who is truly compatible, rather than just 'anybody', even if the girl/guy is otherwise nice enough. Be picky and seriously search, try to maximize your chances. If women are turning you down, maybe they aren't right for you in the first place (especially if you think they're turning you down because of your appearance). It's not easy finding true love, but it's certainly not impossible. If you've lost interest in gaming, try a more socially interactive hobby (preferably one with more girls).

Try not to dwell too much on what happened in high school. That life is behind you now. There's an entire world of people out there, your happiness is no longer determined by a small population of teenagers.

Don't let apathy stand in the way of improving your life. A better career will help you find a mate, not because women are golddiggers but because many of them are ambitious themselves and want a man who shows a similar drive. A woman who is looking to settle down will take into consideration the lifestyle that you two will have together in the future. It's not everything, but it'd be an advantage in your favor.

It does suck that so many seemingly good people struggle to make friends or find a romantic relationship. Good luck though, you still have plenty of time.

 

[Solitary]

Hey, Darkness.

You expressed all the loneliness, unfairness and bullshit that comes with life extremely well. And that's probably what life is: unfair and full of bullshit. I often notice that people don't have what they mostly want, yet they possess something which is not so important to them. For another person maybe the thing which the first one possesses is more important, and vice versa. It only shows the sickness of it all: one has what one has. Life is not asking what you want and giving it to you, it's a lottery. The ticket you have is yours.

And yet when one sees the bad sides of that ticket, one might forget the positive. This might sound cliche, but... There are people who don't have enough food/water for their basic needs, people who don't have homes, people who maybe can't even write the way we do and express themselves. Maybe they're oppressed, abused. There are no boundaries for life's unfairness.

You say you are good at most things, you are friendly, respectful, caring. Beautiful qualities for a human being to possess. You are also intelligent as I presume from your really amazing writing style. Those are the things others might envy, want for themselves.

I've felt something akin to this as well. Despite me being young and probably still stupid, I've also realized what it means to not have people close to you (apart from my parents). I got 2 messages yesterday, during New Year. Both of those were from friends: one an online friend, and one classmate. And I spent the new years eve at home, with my parents. But I'm grateful that I at least have my parents to be with, and at least 2 people who care enough to congratulate me. Even if I don't have any close relationships, which I do wish for from time to time... I just kind of tell myself that one can not have everything. I'm quite good at school, I know what I want to do in life. I kinda believe I have what it takes for that, and I am grateful. Life can be meaningful in different ways. One might achieve something in career prospects, one might help people in his life, one might help to further mankind's knowledge in some way. Also life can be meaningful by just experiencing emotions. For example if I listen to some really good music which moves me, I have no doubt that life is worth living, for if I didn't, I wouldn't get to hear this masterpiece.

Of course relationships, love and closeness surely deepen the satisfaction of one's life, but... I really believe that every one of us is capable of surviving on his/her own. Even if it would not be a 'happy' life per se, but it would be meaningful. One can find meaning even in saddest things. Even one-sided love is meaningful: it shows you that you are capable of this extraordinary feeling, you are capable of loving someone.

One more thing which I read somewhere is about fears: if we fear something greatly, the fear will persist forever. One has to forget about his fear, get his mind off of it, realize WHY he fears it and once the fear is not getting enough attention from you, it will decay and disappear. Like our muscles: if we don't use them, they atrophy. I think it could be adapted to several circumstances. If one desperately wants something, one will put all emphasis on that thing and not see anything else. It's like wanting pleasure for pleasure's sake: quite impossible. If you forget about the pleasure and just do something nice, the pleasure comes uninvited. And so this craving of closeness and love, which you, I and countless others feel, is distancing us from achieving it. If we could concentrate on something else, who knows, maybe in time, completely unexpected to us, we might actually get what we craved.

Okay, I'm starting to ramble... All in all, I feel your pain, it strikes me from time to time as well. But I try to do things which I mentioned above, and... Well, it sometimes gets better for me. I sincerely hope that your life will find meaning and pleasure. You seem too good of a person to live alone, not share your good qualities with someone. Surely someone will realize that one day.

All the best.

 

[Darkness]

Thanks for the excellent replies!