Confused as hell

[Tramp]

It still hasn't sunk in. Last night I got dumped after three months of what has been a blast. I've never felt so stress-free in a relationship and I know three months isn't a long time at all, but I had grown to like her quite a bit.

And the reason why she ended it? Because she was under immense pressure from her family to do so. She is still in University and lives with her aunt, who seems to think that she shouldn't date until she's done with school and she's ready to get married. She has been pretty rude to her about this over the last couple of weeks, so much so that my girlfriend (or ex, rather), who has nowhere else to go, has been finding it difficult to keep up with school.

It feels like I'm starting to get into a habit of getting dumped for reasons that are not even my fault. This comes as a surprise to me for two reasons: this is totally unlike the kind of picture she had drawn about herself over the past few months (now it feels like it was all a lie) and because from my POV, I've always tried to balance relationships and work (and school, when I used to be a student) and family, because I believe that something good is worthing working hard for.

I asked her if it had something to do with me or us at all, and she answered in the negative. She kept on mentioning the immense pressure that she's been in from her aunt and how she had helped her all her life and how she's being pressured to end this relationship.

I really don't understand what her aunt's deal is. She seems to be making too much of a deal of this and in a way it's unfair on her niece because she seems to be dumping all the frustrations of her own life on to the latter. Besides, she isn't even her real parent (her mom and dad are alive and actively in touch, just not geographically close).

Last night we went to a party, and I did not see this coming until I dropped her off after. Like I said, the last three months have been too good to be true.

She told me in the morning today that she needs some time to sort things out at her end and that she would let me know after "her exams are over". Honestly, I find this whole school-work-getting-affected-so-I-can't-see-you crap pretty lame, because I've never heard of anything like that before. But obviously, there seems to be more to it with her aunt and all.

At this point, I don't really know what to do. Should I wait for another month and a half just to get to know that she is indeed not coming back? What if she does want to get together again - how can I be sure that her aunt won't go PMS on her again and she wouldn't leave in the blink of an eye? I'm not even sure if I'd be able to live with the fact that this is how easily we might end it again.

Some of the many cons of dating immature girls...

 

[Lonesome Crow]

yeah...My in laws were biggets. It didn't help.
It sucks when family members get between ya.
It put immense pressure on my ex-wf.

Yeah...it's hard to let go.
Yeah, if she fails her classes, it's not your fualt.
Yeah, her livelyhood is on the line.
Yeah..her aunt is making decisions for her and manipulating her.

Yeah..you feel your life is out of your control...becuase you didn't get to make the decision to break up.
Yeah..your mind dose crazy stuff if you get dump or go through a break up..
Give it a few days or weeks..or whatever it takes for you to process it.

yeah...our brain or creative mind goes into almost obsession mode and tries to resolve problems..
If there's emotions attached, it's like a roller coaster ride. ( you didn't get to make the chioce)
ACCEPTENCE is the answer...acceptence will stop your mind.....Chose to make acceptence as your decision.
It will ease your confussion.

Mmmmm the mind thinks it fore see the future.lol..
well...if that dosn't work. Maybe throw a monkey wrench into it.
Have you ever consider that you might run into a super model
next week and she'll suck you off like a shiney door knob ?
There's always another way to look at this...lol
Or keeping an open mind......

Sorry that you're going through that.
Sorry for your losts.
Cry if you have to...don't stuff or numb out your feelings.
In the process you'll become more emotionally mature.
Beside..babes like guys that's able to show thier emotions.
It a paradox actaully...it takes a really stronge man to shed tears.

Try to get rest and eat ..if you can.

 

[sweetviki]

I'm sorry you are having to go through all of this I can relate since I just got broken up with a couple of weeks ago.

Perhaps the pressure from her family got too overwhelming for her but the truth is you may never know for sure. If her aunt really is the problem then that fact is not going change anytime soon and yes you will most likely have to deal with another situation like that. Its easier said than done when it comes to dealing with family but she has to stand up for herself if she wants a relationship. It's best for you not to wait around and attempt to move on. If you hold on to the 'maybe we will get back together ' idea it will prevent you from letting go. Don't hope for getting back together but if she does want to make sure you can work out the whole aunt issue with her.

 

[one lonely guy]

It feels like I'm starting to get into a habit of getting dumped for reasons that are not even my fault.

Story of my life. I totally feel for you.

At this point, I don't really know what to do. Should I wait for another month and a half just to get to know that she is indeed not coming back?

Try to go on with life as normal (though I realize it won't feel like that for some time). You can't be held hostage by her aunt.

What if she does want to get together again - how can I be sure that her aunt won't go PMS on her again and she wouldn't leave in the blink of an eye? I'm not even sure if I'd be able to live with the fact that this is how easily we might end it again.

I fully appeciate your dilemma. Since you have no control over any of the issues, it's a major stressor. That's why I say try to move forward as best as you can. Because the niece apparently has little say and the aunt's the controller, you're likely to always be on tenterhooks in the relationship. Determine if that stress outweighs the advantages. Bonds like this (esp. with complications thrown in) are so difficult to deal with, I know.

Some of the many cons of dating immature girls...

Yep. Been there. Done that.
olg

 

[Gerardo]

Regarding school-work, which is important, she can just make a schedule. There are times when she just can't go out. The thing is, she just needs to tell you on those days, and you'd understand.

I think there's something deeper she's just not telling you.

 

[Tramp]

Wow, so many replies within the hour. Thanks a lot guys. As they say, time heals everything, and I guess I'm going to have to sleep this one off, over and over until I'm sure what I want to do. In any case, I'll have to move on - it's not like there's an alternative.

Thanks for your support.

 

[Tramp]

Regarding school-work, which is important, she can just make a schedule. There are times when she just can't go out. The thing is, she just needs to tell you on those days, and you'd understand.

And I totally would. I did tell her that too. School obviously comes first and I've always maintained that she should put as much effort into it as she needs to, even if that meant we weren't going out too often.

I think there's something deeper she's just not telling you.

That's crossed my mind too.

 

[Papabear]

most of the time when someone else ends a relationship, especially when they say it's not you... it is in fact you. Not saying that is the case here, but most people are capable of lying, especially when it comes to saving face.

Is a girl that doesn't want to be with you because of someone elses opinion really someone that you want to be with? I know I wouldn't want that.

You are still young, but life is short. Move on, don't play games. Find a girl that will appreciate you. If she comes back don't forget her mistakes easily, but remember that everyone makes them. Also remember that something like 95% of relationships that split up and get back together end up splitting up again.

 

[DayvanCowboy]

Wow, so many replies within the hour. Thanks a lot guys. As they say, time heals everything, and I guess I'm going to have to sleep this one off, over and over until I'm sure what I want to do. In any case, I'll have to move on - it's not like there's an alternative.

Thanks for your support.

That is what you should definitely do. I know how you feel when things get so good in such a short time and you end up feeling like it was too good to be true all along. Maybe there is something that she is not telling you, but by the sound of it I think she is just under enough stress with the things she has mentioned to you. You never know...some girls...lol.....its maybe better not to find out if you know what I mean.

If things work out then you still have a chance to make things the same as they were before. If they do not, don't worry about it. I know you are hurting right now, but its only been 3 months. Hopefully she doesn't reveal anything of the likes of her seeing someone else all along. If that is not the case then you are dealing with a great girl that just has some problems to deal with. Try not to stress yourself.

 

[Tramp]

Also remember that something like 95% of relationships that split up and get back together end up splitting up again.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. What's the point of trying to get back if it's going to end soon after anyways?

Then again, one never knows until one asks...

 

[Tramp]

If that is not the case then you are dealing with a great girl that just has some problems to deal with.

That's what frustrates me to be honest. The fact that I and to a great extend even she doesn't have any control over these extraneous problems.

 

[Tramp]

OK, I overestimated myself. As it turns out, this 5-week wait is killing me, eating away at my ability to do the things that I have to do. Well I'm actually still doing most of the things that I have to, but with great pain. I'm hurting pretty bad and it feels like all the happiness has been sapped out of me. Every second of my life for the last 9 days or so has been extremely painful.

I was single for three years before this, my last relationship having broken up because the girl wanted to go back to her ex. Even when I was in a two-year relationship prior to that, I was unhappy from day 1. My other girlfriends didn't last more than a month or two here and there either.

But with this girl, I was actually happy for the past three months. I can't remember the last time I felt like that. I was full of optimism about everything and things started to look up. I wasn't lonely anymore and all the depression had vanished. This is really hurting me as I don't know whether I even have a chance to save this relationship five weeks down the road, more so because she won't even see me or talk to me until then as, according to her, she doesn't have the strength to deal with this right now and she'll get emotional if she sees me. I don't know what she's thinking or whether her feelings will be strong enough by the time she's ready to talk. I don't get to see her, I don't get to talk to her. Just email back and forth for the time being, but that too I have to be careful about because I don't want to do it too frequently or get too sappy and drive her away.

This is really killing me. I don't think I've felt so shitty or hopeless or depressed in a long time. Sorry about the long rant, but I really don't know what to do.

 

[Tramp]

My depression has reached a level where I can't even spend seconds alone. I drive down to public places with my laptop after work and stay there for as long as I can, then head home to hit the bed. I fear that my head's going to explode if I stay at my apartment by myself for too long. This is getting really hopeless.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

no..it's not hopless.
What you're going through is about as natural and normal as can be givien the your situation.
You're trying to no isolate...which is good.

You're learning how to take care of yourself and loving yourself first and foremost.
Be gental with yourself. Have patience with yourself.

Of course is hurts like hell...becuase you love her.
I didn't say Acceptence is a son of a ***** without reasons.
It was never easy...

There's stages a person will go through in a break up...any break up.
A week to a month is a relatively a short time to heal

Embrace the grieving process...you lost someone every important to you.

In a long term...the average time is 1 year to get over the break up.
My ass fell off so many freaken time..i lost count.

Why do i go through such things ???...becuase loving someone is not a fucken game to me.
It was never EZ come EZ go that some women might mistaking me for who i am.

It's not even so much about this girl or that girl...It's has more to do with how much I'm capiable of love.

Maybe 5-10 years from now..you might be sitting haviing a chat with a good freind, after you had settle down,
married with children...You'll be able to tell you're freind.
"yeah dude...there was this one babe I met in college that rock my world and I totally loved her"

You might be able to to help him get through a break up he might be going through...because you had experince
it first hand. You will have great compassion and understanding for him.

 

[Tramp]

So I've given this much thought and am not so proud to admit that I'm sissying out. I have decided to pursue this and I've decided to wait until she has some time to talk so that we can (hopefully) sort things out.

Over the past 9 or 10 days, I've seen her once - and she said she was willing to talk, although she also mentioned that she doesn't change her mind very easily once it's made up. A few days later, she emailed me telling me not to worry about us and take care of things (I have some career-related stuff to take care of that she knows about) and that we will talk once she's done with her University exams.

The reason I'm going through with this is because I really like this girl. During the three months that I had spent with her, I was the happiest that I had been in a long time. My longest relationship was two years, and I wasn't even happy then - it was bound to break even before it started. Since then, girls came and went, but it didn't hurt as bad when they left because they usually left for other guys/ex-boyfriends. But with this girl, I had a relationship free of stress and the moments we shared, well, I've never shared with anyone before.

I know I'm setting myself up for a major heart-break because there's a tremendously high possibility that she might not come back. All I can do is hope that she realizes that I gave her space when she needed it and waited for her even though my chances were slim. There might have been a few things that I had said that caused me to unknowingly scare her away - like how I wanted to move to a different town (or maybe even the United States) three or four years down the road. This might have led her to believe that I wasn't thinking long term - but can anyone blame me for that? We were only together for three months, but the reality is that if we did make it that far, I'd never just wake up one day and leave. These are some of the things that I want to clear up when I meet her, as well as let her know how I feel about her and that I'm also willing to talk to her family if it matters to her.

Some of you may think that she's being selfish and/or playing the convenience game, but then again, who is to say that the next girl and the one after that and the one after that won't do the same? I think I'm beginning to accept that not everyone is perfect and albeit all their flaws, it's the overall picture that matters. Am I happy when I'm with her? Do I have strong feelings for her? These are the questions I keep asking myself.

So I'm counting the days. Another 15/16. My chances are probably hanging on a thread at the moment. Frankly, I'm scared. What if her feelings have started to die down (although she did get in touch with me a couple of times)? What if (and this could very well happen) she doesn't change her mind? I know she was under a lot of pressure when she broke up with me, but what if, by the time we meet up, she has made sure that this is the right decision? How long will it take me to recover?

I would appreciate it if anyone who is reading this and has read the rest of the posts in this thread has any advice on how to proceed from here. Also, any tips on what to tell her when we talk would help too. I have been given a small chance, and as I close in on my mid 20's, the relationships that I build with people are starting to get more and more important. I really don't want to screw this up.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I can't give you advice becuase I'm not you...I don't have the specifics of how you process your thoughts
and emotions.

It takes as long as it takes. And it's okay for you to heal and process it on your own time.
Just take care of yourself through the process...it's emotional taxing and stressful.

Stop putting so much stress or limitations on yourself....Lighten up a little bit.
what do you mean relatonship is more improtant to you just becuase you're in your mid 20's ?
You say it as if you're going to died or it's the end of your life or some crap.

It sound as if your putting unneccessry stress upon youself and her.
Just stay in moment and enjoy what you have in the moment ?
You can get hit by a truck and died tommorrow....4 years from now is way way the hell out there.
And the next ..girl and the next girl...You simply don't know. Just leave it at that. (you don't know)
You're stressing yourself out for nothing. You're setting yourself up to lose before you even get there.

FFS...no one is perfect. We all have flaws. All you have to do is look in the mirror.

Lower your expectations ( reverse limitations).
Move forward
Do not attach to the outcome....(this is whats cuasing the stress)

Heck you can run into a another hawt babe tonight and fall head over heels for her..for all you know.
You don't know....You simple don't know whats going to happen in the future.
If you did...you would be a billionair buying loto tickets every other day...lol
You can make calulated risk or actions...but you simple don't know...Nothing is garantee in life.

Simply free yourself from the limitations of your mind.

 

[Tramp]

Hmm...she emailed me today and asked me if I wanted to go watch a movie with her some time next week.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

see...you simply don't know..

Life is trip...