could it work or am i torturing myself

[Kairan89]

Hello and thank you For taking the time to read my post, I have been down recently and really just feel lost and I need help

Me and ex were together for three years, we broke up because I could not control my outbursts, I would snap and call her names and generally be an ******* even infront of her mates. Plenty of times we "broke up" but then throught grovelling she got back with me, however I always took it for granted and never sought help for mt problems. It came to a point were she couldnt take it anymore and now she has ended it.

Since the relationship has ended I have had councelling and been on many emotion handling courses, iv started going to the gym and iv taken up ice hockey. I know iv got problems but this time I'm truly working through them but now I feel like the noy who cried wolf.

When we were toghether we were amazing when things were going well and so many times she said something along the lines of "if you could be like this all the time it woukd be perfect".

Now, I feel like if I truly changed and my anger bursts stopped and I was a happy personal all the time, then she would want to be with me, why wouldny I think that when she has told me so many times, the problem is, I feel like she doesn't believe me now, and she won't get the chance to see those changes.

With valentines and her birthday coming up I wanted to get her gifts, I was going to make hr favourite cake and get a bottle of wine for her go have with her friends. And depending on how that went I would get her something big for her birthday, I want her to see that I am really a nice person and I love her to bits and that she is still really special to me.

She told me she kind of wants space and that she doesn't wanna get back with me, but I know her well and I feel there is something worth f fighting for because I know I can make her happy.

Do I carry on being nice and texting her and doing things for her? Can it really work for us? Do ex's ever get back together successfully? I love her so much and I feel so lost

 

[jaguarundi]

Hmm. First I think everyone here will applaud you for getting help with your problem and doing your all to sort yourself out. It takes a special sort of courage to admit that you have a problem and to do something about it.

She told me she kind of wants space and that she doesn't wanna get back with me, but I know her well and I feel there is something worth f fighting for because I know I can make her happy.

The things you want to do for her for Valentines day (then her birthday) sound sweet, but the thing is, she has already told you what she wants - space.

And if you do truly care for her, then that is what you should give her. In keeping on pursuing her, despite her stated wishes, and after you have treated her so badly so often in the past, you are running the risk that she will think you are stalking her - or trying to control her.

So let me just ask you this question. Do you think that deciding that you know what is best for her, (which is actually what you want) and pushing her about it, is likely to make her trust you again? At least right now, anyway. There may be future hope for both of you, but you drove away her trust in you, I suspect it might take a lot longer, and a lot more than gifts - to get it back.

I am sorry to be a discouraging here, and of course you might get a lot of quite different advice from other people on the forum, and it might be better advice! That being said, I hope you continue to make progress with your issues, and find a way through them to be happy once again.

 

[Kairan89]

Thank you for your time and reply, i understand, and I am scared of pushing her away, I just feel alone right now, iv realised so much and I just wish I could make it better. I feel like doing nice things for her is showing her that I'm really trying and make her believe in the good side of me that she loved.

It's so difficult, I miss everything about her

 

[9006]

Welcome to the site.

It's good that you've recognized your problems and are dealing with them. If this girl wants space then it would be wise to give her just that. If you mither her it may push her away completely, if you really like her as much as you say then it's something you should be able to do. It's understandable that you want to communicate and be with this person but in these situations you have to think about her point of view, she's probably been hurt by you in the past, maybe she feels conflicted and needs to think it through.

 

[jaguarundi]

I am scared of pushing her away, I just feel alone right now, iv realised so much and I just wish I could make it better. I feel like doing nice things for her is showing her that I'm really trying and make her believe in the good side of me that she loved.

It's so difficult, I miss everything about her

I hear your regret. I hear your love for her. She may very well still have love for you. But relationships are not just about love - they are about demonstrating that love in practice. You admit that you have shown lack of respect for her numerous times in the past. I think that you must show that you respect her now, by doing what she asks. Because if you don't give her space as she asks, she ain't going to believe you have changed.

Courage Kairan89. I'm pretty sure that at some point in your counselling sessions they told you that you have to solve your issues for your own sake, not because you are motivated by getting someone back. Keep on keeping on for what you are becoming, not for what might happen with her. Even though this loss is so terribly painful. And then - who knows.

 

[Anten]

Instead of doing something crazy for V-day why not just hand right a nice apology letter to her and clearly state you have no intentions on using this to win her back you just owe it to her and yourself to try to make amends for your wrong doing. After this letter you need to stop all communications for a few months and only respond to to her communications with brief answers if she does attempt to contact you. This will show that you have matured as a person and maybe 3-4 years down the line you can be the man that she deserves and if not you should have another woman by then.