Dating awkwardness

[tusk]

So, I had a second date with someone. Doesn't happen very often I can tell you!
It turned out it was going to be the very kind of date that is the reason I hate dating: very awkward, me trying to make small talk but it was just so much pressure and expectations to be a laid-back, fun and flirty guy so all I could do was basically tense up, and I'm pretty sure she felt the same way.
If I was a girl, I would probably not give myself another chance. Why would I? I don't like feeling awkward, and there are lots of other guys on the Internet (where we met). Guys who can probably make me feel better.
Anyway, when we split she gave me a very close and long hug. It felt like it was a good-bye-forever hug and that she wanted at least some intimacy from me; something she could've only had if it was the last time we met. The hug made me weak to my legs, almost like a kiss!

I guess most of the problems would be solved if I didn't tense up, then I could actually be a flirty laid-back guy and manage conversation. Maybe I need to focus more on what I feel. If I feel awkward, maybe that should be a hint that we need to do something else, and not just plow right through. But that's what I'm used to, I never listened to my feelings and desires very much.

 

[kamya]

Ask her what she thinks :/

 

[Tiina63]

I am exactly the same way on dates. Trying to make awkward small talk, trying to avoid the awkward silences, trying to be witty and interesting, and feeling stressed out inside. Dating can be purgatory.
Our main problem is lack of confidence. If we felt deep down that we were really loveable and acceptable as we are, we wouldn't feel so awkward and so stressed to make a good impression. Building confidence is the key, but I don't know how to go about it.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Think of it as "getting to know someone" instead of classing it as a "date", that word alone just puts more pressure on it.

 

[tusk]

Ask her what she thinks :/

I think she's ignoring my text...

I am exactly the same way on dates. Trying to make awkward small talk, trying to avoid the awkward silences, trying to be witty and interesting, and feeling stressed out inside. Dating can be purgatory.
Our main problem is lack of confidence. If we felt deep down that we were really loveable and acceptable as we are, we wouldn't feel so awkward and so stressed to make a good impression. Building confidence is the key, but I don't know how to go about it.

You're right, I've never really felt lovable. I'm also not very confident that I can hold a conversation. Do you think improving social confidence would solve this?

Think of it as "getting to know someone" instead of classing it as a "date", that word alone just puts more pressure on it.

It's just so hard to connect with someone under those circumstances. The stress that you have to make her attracted to you in the first two dates or so is not fun. I achieve much better when there are no requirements, no targets to reach. No expectations.

 

[Tiina63]

Improving social confidence might help to an extent, but the problem is that dating is different from meeting people on a purely friendship level. There is more riding on it, so it is more stressful. There is more pressure to make a good impression. I think that SciFi has the right idea when he says to think of it as getting to know someone instead of as a date. However, this is not easy to do.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

It's your own awkwardness that is causing the problems. Which would, in turn, make things more awkward!

I'd say try to ease up, to some extent. This girl is not going to be your wife or even a potential girlfriend. If you just look at dates as fun things to do, with no tension, then you're good.

 

[DiscoSpider]

I've been on dates before, whether it's via online (meeting someone through a dating website, then going out with them in person) and with girls I have actually met and got to know in person.

It is pretty hard, especially if you don't know them too well to begin with (such as meeting them from a dating website).

I guess all you can do really is, as people have already said, try not to think of it as a "date". Just think of it as... hanging out, getting to know the person. They're a stranger at first, to become a friend and... well maybe more, depending on how you both feel.

They're not your wife, they're not your girlfriend and they won't be straight away. It all depends on how things flow naturally. I know it's very cliche' but... try to be yourself and try to relax, chill out. If you try and be something you're not... a lot people can see right through that.

I guess as well, don't tell them everything about you on the first or second date. Let them ask some questions and gradually reveal yourself. I think it's good if you are the one asking the questions, it shows you have interest in them and their lives. Have a sense of humour, give them a genuine opportunity to laugh, a genuine opportunity to smile.

Good luck and all the best mate.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You're over thinking it. Which causes tensions to begin with.
It's just simple exposure. Your mind and body will make adjustments
as you spend more time with her. It's like a going through a learning
curve sort of speak. Sometimes you'll try to over correct itseif.lol

Since you havnt interacted with women alot, you're a little bit too sensitive.
If you had more exposure to women, you would be desentisized
sort of speak. Which will cuase less tensions. Then being relexed just comes
naturally.

It's like anything else in life. Such as your first day at work. The first
time you drive an automibile. The first time you get up on stage to perform.

Our fears, pains, sufferings, tensions pretty much are generated by
our minds. Projection of the future or reliving pains of the past.
It's all in our heads.
when people say "go with the flow, relaxed and be in the moment"
What hell do they actually mean by this and how do you obtain it?

Meditations helps...

How you get your mind and body to releax???
Take deep breath.
You can do these exercises daily or right before you go on a date with her, again.

Simply...tighten up all your muscels as you take in a deep breath.
( hold your breath for 5 to 10 secs)
Then breath out as you relax all your mucels.
Do 10 to 15 reps...Then you'll notice you'll be more relaxed.


Oh geeeze whiz.....
At the sametime dating gets you all tense for reasons.
It actually turns into ahdreline after a while.
Sexaul tensions and release?
Its suppose to be like this...dude. Dont freak out.
Hopefully you know how to get her off or sexually releave her.
Show her a good time....

 

[LoneKiller]

The goal of a successful conversation is not your sole responsibility. She must contribute as well. Try to find out what interests her and discuss that. She will feel more confident in talking back because she now has a lot that she can say, and because you have shown interest she will be much more comfortable.

Chances are, when she responds to your questions, she will ask you what your interests are, and lo and behold, you've both have broken the ice and are engaged in stimulating and comfortable conversation.

Try and do things in life that you can talk about. Things that you are proud of yourself for doing. This will boost your self respect and earn respect from your efforts. Don't be so hard on yourself. You like everyone else, has the right to be happy, but you have to contribute and make things happen.

Good things don't always come easy. It takes work. Your thread here is a wonderful start. I'm sure that you will be successful if you put everything you have into this, and be honest with yourself.

 

[dannyr22]

Try to think calm thoughts before a date. Just try to think of any potential date as a friend.

I've not been on one for about 4 years now but I have done fine in the past (even tho am ridiculously inexperianced with women) because I calm myself 1st. Easier said then done but half the battle for me was not being myself.

I hope you get more chances with her, give her some time to reply.